Monday, June 27, 2016

  • 06/27/2016

Mike Phirman, Robin Thede and Greg Proops probe Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's browser history, launch insults at Donald Trump and entice tourists to #VisitBritainBecause.

We're almosthalfway through 2016,

or "the year of no chill"as I've been calling it.

There are already so manyhigh-level things going on

that seem like maybethey'll be a global catastrophe,

or maybe things will go okay.

We don't know.

We don't (bleep) know.

(laughter)

Uh, let's see.There's a presidential election.

Could spell the endof America as we know it,

or maybe it'll be fine.

We don't (bleep) know.

Is the environmentgonna be okay,

or will we all drownin a super tsunami?

We don't (bleep) know.

Will the recent British voteto leave the European Union

turn the UKinto an Orwellian nightmare?

-We don't (bleep) know!-(laughter)

Maybe it'll be okay, maybe not.

Will the Rio Olympics bea triumph of the human spirit,

or a giant human (bleep)?We don't (bleep) know!

Anything right now!

Yeah, well, maybeit could be okay.

You know,with all this uncertainty,

it seems like the only rockwe have these days is The Rock,

-Dwayne Johnson.-(cheers and applause)

He is our lifeboat!

Everything...everything's gonna be okay

when The Rock's around.

Girls want to date him,

guys want to be him and alsowant to date him. Last...

-(laughter and groaning)-...Thursday,

he released a trailer announcinghis new YouTube channel.

What a great time to get inon this YouTube craze-- 2016.

-(laughter)-I always...

I always like to wait tillyear 11 to get in on stuff.

This is how muchI love The Rock.

I just moved him intomy top eight on Myspace.

That's how much I love The Rock.

-(applause and cheering)-Yeah.

Let's take a...let's take a look

and feel how everything's okay.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Once a generation

there comes an event so epic

that it dominates our culture.

(laughter)

I should starta YouTube channel.

Yeah, but first,Rock's got to clear his, um...

-his browsing history.-(laughter)

All right. Yeah. Fine, fine.

-(applause and cheering)-Clear it.

That's how (bleep) coolThe Rock is.

He can make you excitedabout a YouTube channel in 2016,

not to mention,he even tossed us

a perfect joke set up alley-oop.

So, Comedians,this is an interesting question.

What embarrassing itemsmight you find

in The Rock's browser history?

Mike Phirman, go.

He googled "Am I Vin Diesel?"

(laughter,applause and cheering))

-Robin Thede.-Can you still

get pubic liceif you're totally shaved?

HARDWICK:All right.

(laughter and groaning)

-Greg Proops. -Can you diagnosewhat The Rock is growing?

Speaking of American ignorance,sundried tornado Donald Trump

showed up in Scotland

on Friday to promotehis local golf courses.

And to demonstratejust how little he understands

about the world around him,he tweeted this.

(reading as Trump):

(laughter)

"Except, of course...except, of course

golf which is a game thatI'm here to promote right now."

And also, I don't know

if this is somethingthat Donald wasn't aware of

is that Scotland voted againstBrexit by a wide goddamn margin!

-(laughter, applause)-As thousands of tweeters...

We're very quick to point out...

with beautifully-worded gemslike...

-(laughter)-And...

(applause and cheering)

Oh, this is one of thousands.

Also...

-And... "Scotland..."-(laughter, applause)

And...

"Scotland hates both Brexit..."

-Wow. -Well...(cheers and applause)

I (bleep) love Scotland.

THEDE:It's amazing.

Well, as leastthere's one delusional Scot

who still supports Trumpon Twitter-- Scott Baio.

-(laughter)-Uh...

So, comedians in lightof all the (bleep) splatting

and (bleep) trumpeting,I would like you

to give me anotherScottish-style Trump insult.

Greg Proops.

(with Scottish accent):You thistle-chewing,

haggis-swilling, (bleep)

flocking badger-painted nub.

HARDWICK:All right. Points.

-(applause and cheering)-Points. Mike Phirman.

(Scottish accent): You can takeyour piss-soaked raccoon wig

back to your golden towerwith your wee hands

but you'll nevertake our freedom!

HARDWICK:All right. Points.

-(applause and cheering)-Points.

Uh, Robin Thede.

Go to hell,you cantaloupe-colored

jizz bagpipe.

And that was a really good solid

-Scottish accent, too. Yeah.-Jizz bagpipe. Yeah, jizz...

That was dead-on, that accent.

It is now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

Some economists say that ifthe British economy is weakened

by Brexit, it couldsignificantly reduce the cost

of your upcoming UK vacation.

The British economy might be,uh, so in the loo--

which is their wordfor (bleep)--

that you'll be able to Airbnba room in Buckingham Palace

or buy tacos made with meat

from Queen Elizabeth'sbeloved Corgis.

Uh... that is why tonight'shashtag #VisitBritainBecause.

Examples might be:Coldplay lives in L.A. now;

and... the queen's lookingfor a new (bleep) boy.

All right!60 seconds, and begin.

-Mike.-It'll be on fire in two months.

All right, points.

-Greg. -'Cause we're planningon getting our teeth fixed.

-All right, points.-(laughter, groans)

-Mike Phirman.-PROOPS: Really? (bleep)

(audience whooping)

-Mike. -Adele is there,and she seems sad.

-Yeah, she's sad.-(laughter, aw'ing)

Give her a hug. Points.

-Robin. -When black people getpulled over, it's on the left,

-so it's easier to escape.-Points. Points.

-Greg Proops.-'Cause it's a lot harder

to join neo-Nazi groupsin Germany.

All right, points.

-Robin. -American beer...-(bleep)

(laughter, applause)

HARDWICK:Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Greg's not gonna standfor your mock outrage.

-He will...-(laughter)

-Robin. -American beeris too cold and delicious.

-I like that warm (bleep).-(laughter, groans)

Points.

-Mike Phirman. -Because ifI understand Brexit correctly,

they love foreigners.

-All right, points. Points.Points. -(laughter, applause)

Greg.

'Cause we still havetwo Beatles.

-(cheering, applause)-Yes! Nice! Perfect!