Extended - Friday, July 29, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 07/29/2016

Jesse Joyce and Brendon Walsh investigate the campaign of alleged time traveling, dinosaur-fighting presidential candidate Andrew Basiago in this extended, uncensored episode.

- [Voiceover] Tonight, Trump, Clinton.

It all comes down to them, or does it?

At Midnight investigates the one man running for president

you haven't heard of.

Andrew Basiago, former classmate of Barack Obama.

- [Voiceover] Today I am leading the truth campaign.

- [Voiceover] Activist, lawyer, and time traveler?

- What would you want from a time traveling president?

- Well of course, like most people,

I'd like him to go backin time and prevent

the worst day in American history from happening.

The day Pee-wee Herman got caught jerking off

in a movie theater.

- [Voiceover] Jessie?

- He's not a god damn time traveler (bleep)

- [Voiceover] All that plus big foot,

machine guns, and teleportationon Investigation Midnight.

The once and future president.

>> HARDWICK: If you're justjoining us, Andrew Basiago is a

54-year-old Cambridge-educatedlawyer who says he was part of a

CIA program that fools kids withthick glasses into thinking

they're not being drugged andhooked up to scrotal electrodes,

and now he's running forpresident.

One of his major campaignpromises is to get us completely

off fossil fuels and stop globalwarming, but how?

>> Uh, he's gonna add a newscene in The Fast and the

Furious where Vin Diesel fucks aTesla.

(laughter)>> This is no time for amazing

jokes.

(laughter)>> The government has

teleportation technology thatthey've been hiding from us for

years.

President Basiago knows aboutthis because he used to teleport

to Mars himself with PresidentObama.

>> Yeah, don't forget that, uh,Bigfoot's lawyers said that they

teleported in the elevator of anoffice building, because, of

course, you go to Mars in thesame contraption you'd use to

get to the lobby of a Radisson.

>> HARDWICK: Brendon, yourrebuttal.

>> The CIA sent them as collegeundergrads, to prep them for the

stress of eventually beingpresident, because what could be

more stressful than traveling tofucking Mars, you guys?

>> This.

This. This is more stressful.

>> HARDWICK: Now, it does begthe question:

What top-secret programs couldother presidents have been

involved in?

>> Uh, the CIA covered up thetime that Bill Clinton fucked an

entire Hooters in FortLauderdale.

>> HARDWICK: Brendon?

>> President Garfield tried tooutlaw Mondays and weaponize

lasagna.

>> HARDWICK: Um...

(laughter)Uh, it should be noted that you

just drew the Babadook.

Uh...

>> Chris, I'd like to ask you atthis point, what do you think

about all this?

>> HARDWICK: Well, as ajournalist, which I'm not, I

have to be completely objective,I suppose.

I'm 50% fine with it and 50%want him to take a nap in the

garage with his time machinerunning.

But if you're right andBasiago's lying, I could not in

good conscience vote for him.

>> Well, then how do you explainyour connection to his campaign?

>> HARDWICK: I don't have to,because I'm not connected.

>> Chris, what do you know abouthis finances?

>> HARDWICK: Well, we know he'staken in about $39 million less

than Trump and $233 million lessthan Clinton.

>> But where is that moneycoming from?

>> Me!

I sent him an envelope with 48bucks and a coupon for Just For

Men pube dye.

>> HARDWICK: They have that?

>> Yes.

>> HARDWICK: Oh.

>> Like you and all the otheranti-vaxxers and Elvis hunters

and flat-Earthers, probably sentin half your ramen noodle budget

and methamphetamine money tothis address.

>> HARDWICK: Well, that's justan address.

What's strange about that?

>> Yeah, well, I did a littleresearch, Chris, and it turns

out that it's located in thisstrip mall.

And do you know what else islocated in that strip mall?

>> HARDWICK: A Michaels hobbyshop?

>> Your mom?

>> HARDWICK: Brendon's Vicodindealer?

>> It's not any of those things.

>> Well, what is it then,hotshot?

>> I'm about to explain it toyou-- it's Summit Comedy.

Summit Comedy is in that samestrip mall, a well-known

stand-up comedy booker thatyou're connected to, is in the

same fucking strip mall asMartian Andy's campaign

headquarters.

>> HARDWICK: I am definitely notconnected to Summit Comedy.

I've never even heard of SummitComedy.

>> Well, then how do you explainthis?

>> HARDWICK: Well, that's...

>> How do you explain why yourpicture is on Summit Comedy's

Web site, which happens to sharea address in the vicinity of the

same strip mall as Basiago's...

>> HARDWICK: I don't... can'tex... I don't know.

I can't explain that.

I don't have to do anything, atall.