Austin-Tatious

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 11/09/2008

Ralphie May describes travelling through airports in Denver and West Palm Beach, the difference between black and African American and his painful experience with an empanada.

[footsteps]

[jet engine roars]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

male announcer: LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME

RALPHIE MAY.

[cheers and applause]

>> WHAT'S GOING ON, EVERYBODY?

WOW. AWESOME.

ROCK AND ROLL.

THAT'S FANTASTIC. THAT'S...

HI, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, GUYS, FOR COMING OUT.

I APPRECIATE IT.

AWESOME.

[laughs]

CALM DOWN, DAMN.

I'M GONNA BE HERE AWHILE.

[laughter]

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

I'M ACTUALLY GIVING YOU ALL

A COUPLE MOMENTS TO GET USED

TO THE AMOUNT OF ORANGE ONSTAGE.

[laughter]

YOU'RE ALL LIKE, "DAMN,

HE, UH, HE REALLY LOVES HIS

ORANGE JUICE, DON'T HE?

[laughter]

I LOOK LIKE I'M UNDER

CONSTRUCTION, DON'T I?

[laughter]

I LIKE IT, BABY.

I'M, UH, PRO VITAMIN "C".

PRO VITAMIN "C".

I HAD TO GO TO DENVER,

AND IF YOU EVER HAVE TO GO

THROUGH DENVER, DRIVE;

DON'T FLY.

DENVER AIRPORT IS ONE

OF THE WORST AIRPORTS

IN THE COUNTRY, OKAY?

IT'S HOT GARBAGE.

I HATE...

DENVER AIRPORT, OKAY?

IT'S NEEDLESSLY LARGE.

I MEAN, IT IS--

IT'S A 20-MINUTE WALK

AT THE DENVER AIRPORT

TO WHERE YOU TURN THE CORNER

AND GO, "DAMN.

THAT'S A LONG-ASS WALK.

[laughter]

OH, HELL NO.

I CANNOT WALK THIS.

I WORE THE WRONG SHOES."

[laughter]

YOU NEED SOME CROSS TRAINERS

IN DENVER AIRPORT, JACK.

I'M FAT. I WORE SLIP-ONS

SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO BEND OVER

AT SECURITY.

[laughter]

FAT GUYS KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "WELL...

A BLISTER OR BENDING OVER?

I'LL TAKE THE BLISTER."

[laughter]

I WAS, LIKE, "I AM NOT WALKING."

'CAUSE IT WAS WAY DOWN

THERE, MAN.

I MEAN, LIKE, A LONG WAY.

LIKE, I COULDN'T SEE THE END.

THAT'S HOW FAR IT WAS.

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, HELL, NO.

BLACK MAN WITH A GOLF CART.

BLACK MAN WITH THE GOLF CART.

[laughter]

HOPE YOU GOT THAT SON OF A BITCH

CHARGED ALL THE WAY UP.

[laughter]

I DON'T WANT YOU BREAKING DOWN

HALFWAY, JACK."

[laughter]

Y'ALL, THEY PICKED ME UP

AT GATE 88.

GATE 31: KANSAS STATE LINE.

[laughter]

IT'S A BIG AIRPORT, JACK.

OKAY, THEY DROP YOU OFF

AT THIS ESCALATOR, BECAUSE YOU

GOT TO TAKE THE ESCALATOR DOWN

TO A TRAIN TO TAKE ANOTHER

ESCALATOR UP TO BAGGAGE

CLAIM, OKAY?

WAY AWAY, APPARENTLY.

AND I WAS UNPREPARED FOR HOW

HIGH THIS ESCALATOR WAS, OKAY?

IT'S ONE OF THOSE REALLY SUPER

TALL ESCALATORS THAT'S SCARY.

OKAY, AND I'M LIKE--

I STARTED LEANING BACK

FOR NO REASON.

[laughter]

BECAUSE I KNOW--

I KNOW IT'S IRRATIONAL.

I KNOW THAT THE STAIRS GONNA

STAY THE SAME LEVEL

THE WHOLE WAY DOWN.

THERE'S NO POSSIBILITY.

BUT AS A FAT MAN, I'M ALWAYS

SCARED THAT MY OLD NEMESIS

GRAVITY MIGHT SHOW UP.

[laughter]

AND IF I START TO FALL,

THAT'S 47 PEOPLE DEAD, OKAY?

[laughter]

I'M TRYING TO SAY YOUR LIFE.

THINK ABOUT THAT.

I'M A LITTLE SUPERSTITIOUS,

THOUGH.

WHEN WE GOT DOWN TO THE BOTTOM--

AND BY THE WAY, IT'S ALREADY

GETTING WARMER ON THE WAY DOWN--

I WAS LIKE, "Y'ALL

SMELL SULFUR?"

REPENT! REPENT!

OKAY, AT THE BOTTOM,

IT'S A--THERE'S A--

THERE'S THE TRAIN, RIGHT?

FOR ME, I ALWAYS LIKE TO GET

ON THE LAST CAR OF THE TRAIN

AND GET IN THE BACK BENCH, OKAY?

I LIKE TO SIT DOWN ON THE BENCH,

BECAUSE I'M FAT AND I WANT TO

KEEP THIS MUCH MASS LOW, OKAY?

IN CASE THEY HIT THE BRAKE HARD.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T TRUST

THAT LITTLE HANDLE.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

I DON'T TRUST THAT

LITTLE HANDLE.

THAT CAN'T STOP THE KID, OKAY?

[laughter]

AND I AIN'T STRONG ENOUGH

TO STOP IT EITHER, OKAY?

I MEAN, I'D HAVE TO BE, LIKE,

TIED TO IT OR SOMETHING.

I MEAN, I WOULD TRY.

I WOULD TRY TO SAVE

YOUR LIFE, OKAY?

BUT ALL YOU WOULD GET WAS LIKE,

[high-pitched gasp]

THAT'S ALL I COULD DO.

I SWEAR TO GOD. THAT'S IT.

[high-pitched gasp]

IF YOU HEAR A...

[high-pitched gasp]

ON A TRAIN AT THE AIRPORT,

YOU BETTER LOOK OUT, SON.

I'LL KILL SEVEN PEOPLE.

GET A NINE-YEAR-OLD STUCK

IN MY BELLY BUTTON.

"HEY, HELP, HELP, HELP.

HELP, HELP, HELP.

I WANT THE RED POWER RANGER.

HELP. HELP."

[laughter]

AND SO I'M SITTING ON THE BACK

BENCH, AND I'M THINKING,

"YOU KNOW, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

I'M ON THE BACK BENCH.

I'VE GOT THE WHOLE TRAIN

TO MYSELF.

IT'S AWESOME." OKAY?

AND JUST AS THE DOOR'S ABOUT

TO CLOSE, 40 CHINESE NATIONALS

CAME ON THE TRAIN WITH ME.

NOW, LET ME PREFACE THIS

BEFORE I MOVE ANY FURTHER.

THESE WERE CHINESE NATIONALS.

THEY'RE NOT YOUR CHINESE FROM

SAN FRANCISCO OR, AROUND HERE,

YOUR BEST BUY CHINESE.

[laughter]

THESE WERE BONA FIDE

CHINESE CHINESE...

SPOCK HAIRCUT AND ALL.

[laughter]

NOW I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT

ANYBODY ELSE OUT THERE THAT

MIGHT BE OF CHINESE DESCENT.

I DON'T KNOW YOU.

I ALSO CAN'T SPEAK FOR EVERYONE

IN CHINA OR THE TERRITORIES

THEY OCCUPY.

I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT THESE 40

PEOPLE THAT I INTERACTED WITH

IN DENVER AIRPORT.

Y'ALL, THEY HAD A COOKED DUCK

HANGING ON THE OUTSIDE

OF THEIR LUGGAGE...

[laughter]

UNWRAPPED,

LIKE IT WAS A TRAVEL PILLOW.

HAD HAIR ON IT AND LINT.

THAT DUCK EYE WAS LOOKIN' AT ME.

THE BEAK WAS OPEN. CREEPY.

[laughter]

NOW, FRIENDS, IF YOU WERE GONNA

TRAVEL HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD

WITH SOME COOKED POULTRY,

YOU'D WRAP IT UP IN SOME

ALUMINUM FOIL, WOULDN'T YOU?

RIGHT?

THOSE SONS OF BITCHES

DON'T COVER THEIR MOUTH

WHEN THEY COUGH.

[coughing noises]

[loogie-hawking sounds]

[coughs deeply]

[laughter]

YEAH. COUGHING.

OKAY, MAYBE YOU DON'T

UNDERSTAND.

THEY'RE IN FRONT OF ME.

I'M ON THE BACK BENCH.

THE TRAIN IS GOING FORWARD.

ALL I'M SEEING IS THIS HUGE

CLOUD OF SARS AND BIRD FLU

AND LEAD COMING AT ME,

JUST CRAWLING ALL OVER MY BODY.

I FEEL THE SARS AND BIRD FLU

JUST CREEPING ME OUT

AND SLAVE LABOR.

[screams]

[laughter]

FINALLY, THE TRAIN PULLS

INTO THE STATION.

WE GET OFF

THE TUBERCULOSIS EXPRESS.

[laughter]

RIGHT THERE, I WOULD HAVE PAID

$300 FOR A PURELL SHOWER.

JUST BATHE ME IN PURELL.

WHOO!

BUT YOU'RE NOT AT DENVER AIRPORT

JUST 'CAUSE YOU GET TO THE END

OF THE TRAIN.

OH, NO.

NOW YOU GOT TO FIND YOUR BAGS.

SO YOU GO UP, ALL RIGHT,

AND THERE'S THE HUGE TOTE BOARD.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF THEY CHANGED

IT NOW, OKAY, BUT THEN

IT WASN'T ALPHABETICALLY

FROM CITY OF ORIGIN, OKAY?

IT WAS AS IT LANDED, OKAY,

IS HOW THEY RATED YOUR BAGGAGE

CLAIM, ALL RIGHT.

BUT IF YOU'RE FAT AND TAKE

FOREVER TO GET TO BAGGAGE CLAIM,

LIKE, MM, I DON'T KNOW, ME,

ALL RIGHT,

YOU LOSE YOUR CITY, OKAY?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE

YOUR BAGGAGE CLAIM IS.

YOU'RE, LIKE, LOOKING AT THIS

HUGE FAMILY FEUD TOTE BOARD.

AND YOU'RE LIKE...

REALLY?

SHOW ME NASHVILLE.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT. BAGGAGE CLAIM 92.

WHERE AM I AT? SIX.

[laughter]

"BLACK MAN WITH A GOLF CART.

BLACK MAN WITH A GOLF CART."

WHAT I REALLY LIKE ABOUT DOING

THESE LAST COUPLE JOKES WHERE

EITHER I'M TALKING ABOUT MY WIFE

BEING A JEW BRIDE OR, YOU KNOW,

GETTING MEXICANS TO CLEAN

THE HOUSE OR A BLACK MAN--

GET YOUR GOLF CART--

OR THE CHINESE, IS,

IT'S SO FUN, AND ME

AS A PERFORMER, TO WATCH

ALL OF THE WHITE PEOPLE

LOOK AROUND THE ROOM AND TRY

TO LOCATE THE NEAREST MINORITY

THAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

[laughter and applause]

"OH, OKAY.

THE BLACK GUY'S LAUGHING.

I GUESS IT'S OKAY.

I GUESS I CAN LAUGH."

[laughter]

CALM DOWN, CRACKERS. CALM DOWN.

YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS

IF YOU DON'T ALREADY:

I AM RACIALLY INSENSITIVE.

I AM CULTURALLY CONTROVERSIAL.

THAT IS WHAT I DO, OKAY?

I AM NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT,

AND I WEAR THAT WITH PRIDE.

[cheers and applause]

I MAKE NO APOLOGIES.

I'M BOMBASTIC, I'M OSTENTATIOUS,

AND I COULD GIVE A FAT BABY'S

[bleep] IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME.

[laughter]

SO SAVE YOUR EMAILS.

SAVE YOUR EMAILS.

I DON'T CARE.

I'M RIGHT.

IF YOU LOOK AROUND TONIGHT,

YOU'LL SEE A VERY, VERY MIXED

RACIALLY GROUP OF PEOPLE HERE,

OKAY?

YOU GOT ALL SHADES

OF BROWN, OKAY?

WE'VE GOT WHITE, BLACK, BROWN.

OKAY?

AND WE GOT EVERY RELIGION HERE.

WE GOT IT ALL, OKAY? ALL RIGHT?

AND IT'S AWESOME, ALL RIGHT?

AND I NEED THAT.

AS A PERFORMER, I NEED THAT,

OKAY?

BECAUSE IF I HAVE A CROWD

OF ALL WHITE PEOPLE,

I'M GONNA BOMB...

BAD...BAD.

BECAUSE WHITE PEOPLE NEED

MINORITIES TO LET 'EM KNOW

IT'S OKAY TO LAUGH.

THEY FEEL SO MUCH GUILT.

SO BEFORE I MOVE ANY FURTHER

IN MY HILARIOUS COMEDY SHOW,

I'D LIKE A FAVOR, FRIENDS.

I'D LIKE ALL THE WHITE FOLKS

TO PLEASE LOOK AROUND THE ROOM

AND LOCATE YOUR NEAREST

BLACK PERSON, PLEASE.

GO AHEAD.

GO AHEAD. TAKE YOUR TIME.

LOOK AROUND.

IF YOU AIN'T GOT NO BLACK FOLKS

NEAR YOU, A PUERTO RICAN WILL DO

IN A PINCH IF THAT'S

ALL YOU GOT.

[laughter]

EVERYBODY GOT SOMEBODY?

ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S YOUR GO-TO PERSON, OKAY?

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT?

YOU GOT TO BE LOOKING AT THAT

PERSON AND MAKING SURE IT'S

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

AND, BLACK FOLKS, Y'ALL HAVE

A RESPONSIBILITY.

YOU GOT LAUGH, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, IF IT'S FUNNY, LAUGH.

ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE, LIKE,

WHITE PEOPLE LOOKING FOR YOU

FOR DIRECTION, MAKING SURE

IT'S OKAY.

NOW, COME ON NOW.

THIS WAS NEVER MORE EVIDENT

THAN A COUPLE YEARS AGO.

I WAS PLAYING WEST PALM BEACH,

FLORIDA, AT A CLUB THERE.

AND WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA,

IS ONE OF THE WHITEST PLACES

ON EARTH EAST OF 95, OKAY?

NOW, EAST OF HIGHWAY 95:

COMPLETELY WHITE, OKAY?

IT'S SO WHITE, THE SKYCABS

AT THE AIRPORT ARE WHITE, OKAY?

YOU LAND IN WEST PALM,

YOU'RE LIKE, "DAMN.

HOW MANY SUPERVISORS THEY NEED?"

[laughter]

HOW MUCH YOU TIP A SUPERVISOR?

THAT'S GONNA BE EXPENSIVE.

I SAID THIS JOKE, AND BECAUSE

THERE WAS NO WHITE PEOPLE

THERE TO LAUGH, I ATE IT.

OH, MY GOD.

IT WAS SO HORRIBLE.

AND THIS IS THE JOKE

THAT STARTED THE BOMBING.

NOTHING WRONG WITH THE JOKE.

A PRETTY GOOD JOKE.

I SAID, "IF YOU SEE A FAT

WHITE GIRL SMOKING KOOLS,

WAIT A SECOND.

THERE'LL BE A HALF-BLACK BABY

COME RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

HA, HA, HA, HA.

HA, HA, HA.

AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE WHITE

AND YOU WEREN'T LAUGHING HARD

AT THAT JOKE, YOU REALLY DIDN'T

BOTHER TO LOCATE YOUR NEAREST

BLACK PERSON, DID YOU?

SO WHOSE FAULT IS IT, DAMN IT?

"I DON'T LIKE THAT JOKE."

"WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE

A BLACK PERSON NEAR YOU."

MY FAVORITE REACTION

TO THAT JOKE IS ALWAYS

FROM BLACK WOMEN.

IT'S NOT EVEN A LAUGH.

IT'S LIKE, "MM-HMM."

[laughter]

"YES."

"TAKE US TO THE MOUNTAIN,

FAT MAN."

♪ MM-HMM-HMM HMM ♪

♪ LORD, LORD, LORD ♪

>> I'M NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.

I'M NOT.

I REFUSE TO CALL ANYBODY

A BLANK-AMERICAN.

I FIND THAT OFFENSIVE.

YOU KNOW, I THINK PEOPLE ARE--

I DON'T TO CLASSIFY ANYBODY

AS ANYTHING OTHER THAN AMERICAN

IF THEY'RE A CITIZEN OF OUR

GREAT NATION, YOU KNOW?

AND ANYBODY ELSE,

WELL, THEY'RE FOREIGNERS.

[cheers and applause]

AND IT KIND OF WORKS

FOR ME THAT WAY.

I REALLY LIKE IT.

THE BIG THREE THAT

POLITICAL-CORRECT PEOPLE

HANG ON TO ARE AFRICAN-AMERICAN,

MEXICAN-AMERICAN,

AND ASIAN-AMERICAN, OKAY?

LET'S START WITH THE BIG ONE,

AFRICAN-AMERICAN, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY. UM...

WE GOT BLACK PEOPLE HERE.

ANY OF Y'ALL BEEN TO AFRICA?

>> YEAH!

>> WHERE? WHERE?

PREACH, OKAY.

♪ KUMALAY YAY-YO YO MA ♪

[cheers and applause]

ALL RIGHT YOU MIGHT BE

AFRICAN-AMERICAN.

THE REST OF THESE PEOPLE

ARE BLACK.

[laughter]

MOST BLACK PEOPLE HAVE

NEVER BEEN TO AFRICA.

THEY HAVE NO IDENTITY WITH THAT.

THEY'RE NOT OF AFRICA.

THEY'RE OF THE STATES, OKAY?

AND WHY DON'T THEY NAME BLACK

FOLKS AFTER SOME PLACE THEY'VE

BEEN, LIKE COMPTON-AMERICANS,

OR DETROIT-AMERICANS,

OR SWAP-MEET-AMERICAN

AND BARBECUE-STAND-ON-THE-SIDE-

OF-THE-ROAD-AMERICAN?

SOMETHING--

SOMETHING BLACK PEOPLE BEEN.

I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS

WAS A PROBLEM, OKAY,

UNTIL ME AND MY BUDDY

TAQUAN WERE HANGING OUT.

NOW, TAQUAN IS REALLY DARK,

LIKE, WAY BLACKER

THAN YOU, HOMEY.

I'M TALKING AMISTAD BLACK, OKAY,

LIKE SIERRA LEONE BLACK,

LIKE "WALK OUTSIDE AT NIGHT,

CLOSE HIS EYES,

HE'LL DISAPPEAR" BLACK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

ALL RIGHT, THE ONLY DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN TAQUAN AND MIDNIGHT

IS 11:59, YOU UNDERSTAND?

DARK.

AND ME AND "T" ARE GOOD

BUDDIES, OKAY?

I MEAN, WE CRACK ON EACH OTHER.

I MAKE BLACK JOKES AT HIM.

HE MAKES FAT JOKES AT ME.

THEN WE SMOKE WEED

AND LAUGH A LOT, OKAY?

WATCH TV AND MOVIES AND STUFF

LIKE THAT AND HANG OUT.

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO, RIGHT?

AND SO "T" AND I WERE SITTIN'

ON MY COUCH, RIGHT?

AND WE WERE WATCHING CNN,

AND THEY HAD SHARPTON UP THERE

TALKING ABOUT

HOW AFRICAN-AMERICANS

ARE BEING MISTREATED AND ALL

AND AFRICAN-AMERICAN THIS.

AND BY THE WAY,

I CALL SHARPTON--

I DON'T SAY "REVEREND,"

'CAUSE I AIN'T NEVER SEEN HIM

IN CHURCH.

[laughter]

SORRY.

THE SAME REASON I WOULDN'T CALL

SOMEBODY "COLONEL" UNLESS I SEE

THEY'RE IN A MILITARY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU GOT TO EARN IT, PLAYER.

YOU GOT TO EARN IT.

ANYWAY...

SO SHARPTON WAS UP THERE,

AND HE WAS TALKING ABOUT

AFRICAN-AMERICAN THIS,

AFRICAN-AMERICAN THAT,

ALL RIGHT.

AND I TURNED TO TAQUAN.

I'M LIKE, "DAMN, MAN.

I DON'T NEVER CALL YOU

AFRICAN-AMERICAN."

HE GOES, "'CAUSE I AIN'T,

PLAYER."

I'M LIKE, "FOR REAL?

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?"

"WELL, AFRICAN-AMERICAN ARE

USUALLY LIGHT-SKINNED BROTHERS

WHO ARE MAD AT THE WORLD

BECAUSE EVERYBODY TALKS SPANISH

TO THEM, THINKING THEY'RE

PUERTO-RICAN."

[laughter]

I HAD NO IDEA.

HE'S LIKE, "YEAH,

THAT'S WHY I'M BLACK."

I'M LIKE, "HELL YEAH, YOU ARE.

YOU'RE DARKER THAN NIGHT, SON.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS A CAVE

SITTING ON MY COUCH, DAMN.

"T", I COULD SPRINKLE SALT

ON YOU, AND YOU'D LOOK LIKE

DEEP SPACE, PLAYER?

FOOL, YOU'RE A SCREEN SAVER."

AHHH!

AND HE'S LIKE, "OH...

YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF ME, HUH?

MM-HMM.

I TELL YOU, I AIN'T AS DARK

AS THE SHADOW YOU'RE CASTING

FROM THAT BIG-ASS GUT OF YOURS.

[laughter]

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW

YOUR JUNK, RALPHIE MAY?"

AND I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, MAN,

THAT HURT...

ESPECIALLY WHEN I SAW IT

LAST NIGHT IN THE REFLECTION

OF YOUR MAMA'S FOREHEAD."

[cheers and applause]

I THINK IF YOU'RE BORN SOMEPLACE

ELSE AND NOW YOU'RE HERE,

YOU CAN BE A BLANK-AMERICAN.

LIKE, IF YOU'RE BORN IN MEXICO

AND NOW YOU'RE HERE,

YOU'RE A MEXICAN-AMERICAN.

EVERYBODY ELSE IS JUST

A MEXICAN, OKAY?

YOU'RE NOT HISPANIC, LATINO,

CHICANO, THE BROWN GUY

THAT MOWS OUR YARD,

NONE OF THAT CRAP.

YOU'RE JUST A MEXICAN.

IT'S COOL.

MEXICANS ARE COOL, MAN.

[cheers and applause]

ALWAYS TAN.

I TELL YOU, Y'ALL ARE GREEN

NOT BROWN, SON.

Y'ALL ARE AHEAD OF THE JUMP

WHEN IT COMES TO CARPOOLING.

[laughter]

YOU'RE AHEAD OF THE JUMP.

LIKE, WHERE ARE THE MEXICANS

AT IN HERE, MEXICANS?

[cheers and applause]

TWO CARLOADS RIGHT THERE.

[laughter]

THEY ARE CARBON-NEUTRAL, JACK,

CARBON-NEUTRAL.

[laughter]

MY BUDDY KEVIN RODRIGUEZ

IS A LITTLE TOUCHY ABOUT

THIS SUBJECT, RIGHT?

HE SAID--HE SAID--

I'M LIKE, "MAN, THESE MEXICANS

TODAY, BOY, THEY BE DOING

EVERYTHING, JACK."

AND HE'S LIKE, "MEXICANS?

THAT'S RACIST, MAN.

I'M MEXICAN-AMERICAN."

I'M LIKE, "FOR REAL, KEV?

WHAT PART OF MEXICO

ARE YOU FROM?"

AND HE SAID, "CHICAGO."

[laughter]

OKAY, LOOK.

KEV IS REAL TOUCHY WHEN YOU TALK

ABOUT ANYTHING MEXICAN, OKAY?

AND THE MORE I KNOW THAT--

I'M A COMEDIAN--THE MORE

I'M GONNA TURN IT UP AND BUG HIM

JUST BECAUSE IT'S HILARIOUS.

BUT, I MEAN, WHY DOES HE GET

SO MAD ANYWAY?

OKAY, HE WAS BORN IN CHICAGO.

HIS FIRST NAME IS KEVIN, OKAY?

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY LA RAZA.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I MEAN, Y'ALL HAVE NEVER RENTED

ANY ZORRO MOVIE HAD ANYBODY SAY

"ME LLAMO KEVIN," OKAY.

[laughter]

HE DON'T SPEAK SPANISH.

HE RUNS A RESTAURANT

IN RICHMOND, VIRGINIA,

AND HE CAN'T TALK

TO HALF HIS KITCHEN STAFF.

[laughter]

AND HE'S TOUCHY WITH ME.

OKAY, FINE, KEVVIE.

HE WAS PICKING ME UP

FOR SOME LUNCH.

I DON'T KNOW, Y'ALL IN THE BACK

ARE GOING, "OH, TYPICAL FAT GUY.

LUNCH."

IT WAS FIRST LUNCH,

AS WE CALL IT.

AND I GIVE HIM THE CAR,

AND WE'RE DRIVING AWAY

FROM THE HOTEL, AND KEVIN'S

LIKE, "DUDE, HOW DID YOU SLEEP?"

AND I'M LIKE, "GOOD TILL

THAT MEXICAN MAID CAME IN

AND WOKE ME THE HELL UP."

"OH, GOD, THAT'S MESSED UP."

AND I'M LIKE, "I KNOW, RIGHT?

I TOLD THAT LADY, 'CIERRE LA

PUERTA; CIERRE LA PUERTA.'

SHE CAME ON IN."

AND BY THE WAY, CIERRE LA

PUERTA, FOR THOSE DUM-DUMS

OF Y'ALL WHO TOOK FRENCH

IN HIGH SCHOOL, THAT MEANS

"CLOSE THE DOOR," OKAY?

AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU TOOK

FRENCH IN HIGH SCHOOL,

I HOPE YOU GET STABBED AT A TACO

TRUCK IN THREE YEARS.

THAT'S FOR REAL.

STUPID WHITE PEOPLE

TAKING FRENCH.

WHAT USE IS THAT?

OH, YEAH, EVER YEAR, MILLIONS

OF FRENCH PEOPLE SNEAK INTO

THE COUNTRY.

[laughter]

ANYWAY, KEVIN GOES, "DUDE,

HOW DID YOU KNOW

SHE WAS MEXICAN?"

AND I'M LIKE,

"BECAUSE SHE'S THE MAID."

[laughter]

AND HE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,

DUDE, I CAN'T BELIEVE

WE'RE FRIENDS.

OH, MY--THAT'S THE MOST RACIST

THING I'VE EVER HEARD

IN MY LIFE.

SHE'S MEXICAN, SO SHE'S A MAID.

OR SHE'S A MAID, BECAUSE THEN

SHE'S INSTANTLY MEXICAN?

WHY? HOW DID YOU KNOW?

SHE WAS WEARING A BIG SOMBRERO

AND A SERAPE WITH A GUN BELT

AND BULLETS AND EVERYTHING

AND WAVING A MEXICAN FLAG,

'VIVA MEXICO, VIVA MEXICO,'

KICKING A SOCCER BALL?"

[laughter]

I'M LIKE, "NO."

"OH, SO SHE COULD HAVE BEEN

NICARAGUAN OR GUATEMALAN

OR HONDURAN OR COSTA RICAN

OR PANAMANIAN OR

EL SALVADORIAN?"

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH. MEXICAN."

[laughter]

LOOK, FOLKS, NOT FOR NOTHING,

CHICKEN AND RICE

IS CHICKEN AND RICE.

ARROZ CON POLLO

IS ARROZ CON POLLO, OKAY?

THE LINES ON A MAP DON'T MEAN

NOTHING THAT SOME WHITE PEOPLE

DREW, LIKE, A 150 YEARS AGO,

ALL RIGHT.

UNTIL EVERY COUNTRY SOUTH

OF TEXAS GETS MORE THAN

THREE TV STATIONS,

IT'S ALL MEXICO, JACK.

>> I THINK EASILY THE MOST

OFFENSIVE ONE, THOUGH,

IS ASIAN-AMERICAN,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

ASIAN-AMERICAN: PROBABLY

THE MOST OFFENSIVE TO THE RACE

AND TO AMERICA IN GENERAL.

NOT THE PEOPLE, JUST THE NAME,

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT NAME

ASIAN-AMERICAN.

HOW DO YOU DETERMINE,

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,

WITHOUT HYPOCRISY,

THAT SOMEONE MIGHT BE, UM,

I DON'T KNOW, ASIAN AMERICAN?

IS IT THEIR GRATUITOUS USE

OF ELECTRONICS?

NO.

[laughter]

IS IT THE LARGE SPOILER

ON THE LOWERED HONDA CIVIC?

NO. NO.

[cheers and applause]

PRETTY MUCH IT'S THE EYES,

RIGHT?

[singing Asian music]

SO YOU DON'T SAY OF CHINESE

OF KOREAN PENINSULA DESCENT.

YOU JUST LUMP THEM ALL AS

"THOSE ARE THE ONLY ASIANS

THAT ARE OUT THERE."

ASIA'S A MEGA CONTINENT.

THIS IS MY PROBLEM WITH IT.

IT GOES FROM THE ARCTIC CIRCLE

IN THE URAL MOUNTAINS IN RUSSIA

DOWN TO MALAYSIA.

SO IT GOES FROM LIGHTER TO ME

THAN DARKER THAN HIM, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT?

THERE'S A LOT OF CHANGE.

THERE'S A BILLION PEOPLE IN

INDIA THAT DON'T HAVE THE...

THE EYES, ALL RIGHT.

BUT THAT'S PART OF ASIA,

BUT WE DON'T CALL THEM

ASIAN-AMERICAN.

WE DON'T EVEN CALL THEM

INDIAN-AMERICAN,

'CAUSE IT'S TOO CLOSE

TO AMERICAN INDIAN.

YOU DON'T KNOW IF IT'S "OH, MY

GOD, OR "WHOO WHOO WHOO WHOO."

YOU DON'T KNOW.

[laughter]

IS IT COCHISE, OR IS IT KUMAR?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

[laughter]

I WAS CALLING FOR TECH SUPPORT.

NOW IT'S RAINING.

I DON'T GET IT, DUDE.

I DON'T GET IT.

[cheers and applause]

I THINK IN THIS COUNTRY,

IF YOU WANT TO BE TRULY

POLITICALLY CORRECT,

POLITICALLY CORRECT,

THEN THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN BE

CALLED SIMPLY AMERICAN

ARE BLACK PEOPLE.

[laughter]

I KNOW.

ALL YOU WHITE FOLKS FROM TEXAS

ARE LIKE, "W-W-WHAT? WHOA.

WHOA, THAT'S CERTAINLY

NOT FUNNY, FATTY."

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT GOT REAL QUIET IN HERE

REAL QUICK, DIDN'T IT?

THINK ABOUT IT.

BLACK PEOPLE ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE

WHO DID NOT WANT TO COME HERE.

OKAY, EVERYBODY ELSE, SOMEWHERE

DOWN THE LINE, YOUR PEOPLE

WANTED TO BE HERE.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.

NOT BLACK PEOPLE.

AND YOU WERE ALLOWED TO BRING

YOUR LANGUAGE AND YOUR HERITAGE

AND KNOWLEDGE OF WHERE YOU'RE

FROM AND YOUR RELIGION.

OKAY, IT WAS OKAY FOR Y'ALL.

EVEN INDIANS, THEY WERE ALLOWED

TO HAVE THEIR OWN LANGUAGE

AND EVERYTHING, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT?

NOT BLACK PEOPLE.

WE CONNED 'EM.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

BLACK PEOPLE DIDN'T WANT TO COME

TO THIS--TO AMERICA.

THEY WERE CHILLING IN AFRICA.

CHILLING.

DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE A BOAT

BIGGER THAN A CANOE.

THEN SOME SUNBURNED WHITE DUDE

CAME UP TO Y'ALL, STARTED

TALKING A BUNCH OF BULL CRAP,

PASSED OUT A COUPLE PAMPHLETS,

AND Y'ALL WAS LIKE,

"FREE CRUISE!

[laughter]

FOR REAL?

HOOK A BROTHER UP, SON."

[laughter]

YES, THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED.

YOU GOT CONNED, BLACK PEOPLE.

SORRY. YOU GOT CONNED, OKAY?

Y'ALL WERE INNOCENT,

TRUSTWORTHY, NAIVE IF YOU MIGHT

SAY, UNSOPHISTICATED BUT HAPPY

AND HONEST, OKAY?

JUST LIKE THE INDIANS.

THEY GOT HOODWINKED TOO.

WHITE PEOPLE CON PEOPLE.

THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.

THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.

[laughter]

I WON'T CALL ANYBODY

A BLANK-AMERICAN UNTIL

WHITE PEOPLE OFFICIALLY

RECOGNIZE THEMSELVES

AS EUROPEAN-AMERICANS.

SOUNDS STRANGE, DOESN'T IT?

I KNOW.

'CAUSE ALL WHITE PEOPLE HAVE

EVER BEEN THEIR WHOLE LIVES ARE

EITHER WHITE OR AMERICAN, OKAY?

THEY NEVER HAD TO

QUALIFY THEMSELVES.

AND THE REASON THIS REALLY HITS

HOME WITH ME IS, IN 2003,

I WAS IN IRAQ, AND I WAS THERE

AS PART OF A USO MISSION

TO ENTERTAIN OUR TROOPS,

MEN AND WOMEN.

IT IS UNFORTUNATE

FOR THEM TO BE THERE,

AND I ALWAYS FIGURE,

"IF THEY'RE GONNA BE THERE,

I SHOULD BE THERE TOO."

I WAS AMAZED AS WE WERE FLYING

AROUND IN C130s AND DOING COMBAT

LANDINGS AND TAKING BLACK HAWKS

FROM KIRKUK TO TIKRIT

AND FROM TIKRIT DOWN TO BAGHDAD.

OKAY, AND I KNOW WE GOT SHOT

AT AND MORTAR-FIRED EVERY NIGHT.

THOSE PEOPLE OVER THERE DIDN'T

WANT TO KILL AFRICAN-AMERICANS

OR MEXICAN-AMERICANS

OR ASIAN-AMERICANS

OR WHITE AMERICANS

OR EUROPEAN AMERICANS

OR WHATEVER BLANK-AMERICAN

YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

THEY WERE JUST REALLY CONTENT

WITH KILLING AMERICAN.

AND IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE

A PROBLEM WITH IT AND MAKE

A DIFFERENTIATION, ALL RIGHT,

I DON'T SEE WHY WE SHOULD.

[cheers and applause]

THEY TRY TO DIVIDE YOU.

PULL 'EM TOGETHER.

PULL 'EM TOGETHER.

THAT'S RIGHT, MAN.

I MEAN, Y'ALL ARE A PRETTY

METROPOLITAN GROUP OF FOLKS.

YOU COULD PROBABLY TAKE THE

CHANGE TO EUROPEAN-AMERICAN.

YOU PROBABLY COULD.

BUT YOU TELL SOME METH-MAKING

REDNECK FROM KATY, TEXAS...

[laughter]

THAT HE'S NOW

A EUROPEAN-AMERICAN,

YOU BETTER BE DOING IT IN YOUR

TRUCK AS YOU'RE DRIVING BY.

DON'T DO IT ON HIS FRONT PORCH.

YOU WON'T MAKE IT OFF OF IT.

HE'LL BE LIKE, "WHAT?

"JIMMY JAY, GET MY SHOTGUN."

[gunshot sound]

I MEAN, WE DID TRY CAUCASIAN

FOR A WHILE.

DIDN'T WE, CRACKERS?

WE TRIED CAUCASIAN FOR A WHILE,

BUT NOBODY COULD SPELL IT,

SO WE'RE RIGHT BACK TO WHITE.

IT WAS LIKE, "C-A,

CAW, CAW, CAW.

WHITE."

[laughter]

>> I WAS RECENTLY IN FLORIDA,

AND I WENT TO HAVE

SOME CUBAN FOOD.

YOU EVER HAVE CUBAN FOOD?

GET IN MY MOUTH.

SO GOOD. SO GOOD.

THEM EMPANADAS...OH.

IN MY MOUTH.

LITTLE TIP FOR YOU, THOUGH:

LET 'EM COOL OFF.

YEAH, APPARENTLY, THEM CUBAN

BOYS DEEP-FRY THEM EMPANADAS

IN LAVA, ALL RIGHT?

THAT EMPANADA HIT MY MOUTH

AT 1,100 KELVIN, Y'ALL.

MY FACE WAS BURNING LIKE

SOMEBODY OPENED THE ARK.

[laughter]

THE REASON IT BURNED MY MOUTH SO

BAD IS, MY BRAIN AND MY HEART

WERE HAVING A FIGHT.

MY--MY BRAIN WAS LIKE,

"GET THAT PIECE OF CHARCOAL

OUT OF YOUR MOUTH."

MY HEART WAS LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU, A GIRL?

MAN UP, SON.

YOU GONNA SPIT THAT OUT

BECAUSE YOU'RE A BITCH?

DON'T BE A BITCH. MAN UP!"

THAT'S RIGHT.

MY HEART'S GANGSTER.

THAT'S HOW IT ROLLS.

[laughter]

I TOOK THE BURNING.

I WAS, LIKE, I WAS EATING IT.

I WAS TRYING TO CHEW IT

TO COOL IT OFF LIKE THIS...

[whimpering]

AND YOU, YOU KNOW, AND WHEN YOU

DO THAT, THERE'S NEVER ANY WATER

NEARBY, OKAY?

NEVER. NEVER.

AND SO YOU SWALLOW REAL FAST

THINKING, OH, THAT'LL

COOL IT OFF."

BUT IT DOESN'T.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, WOW.

I'VE NEVER BURNED MY

ESOPHAGUS BEFORE.

THAT'S A WHOLE NEW THING.

RIGHT, IT GETS IN YOUR STOMACH,

AND IT'S BURNING.

YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH,

AND YOU HEAR BACON SIZZLING.

YOU'RE LIKE, "AHH!"

AFTER THE MEAL,

WE WERE--THEY WERE, LIKE,

"HEY, RALPHIE," MY BUDDIES,

THEY WERE LIKE, "RALPHIE,

YOU WANT SOME CUBAN COFFEE?"

"HELL YEAH.

I LIKE CUBANS,

AND I LIKE COFFEE.

I'LL TAKE ME SOME CUBAN COFFEE.

AND, UH, I DIDN'T KNOW

HOW STRONG IT WAS.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD CUBAN COFFEE?

THEY BRING OUT A LITTLE

BABY DOLL TEA SET CUP

OF COFFEE, ALL RIGHT?

AND THIS LITTLE BABY,

IT'S LESS THAN AN OUNCE,

AND IT'S EQUIVALENT

TO ABOUT FIVE SHOTS

OF ESPRESSO, APPARENTLY, OKAY?

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

NOBODY EVER TOLD ME.

IT'S VERY STRONG, OKAY?

AND EVERYBODY IN SOUTH FLORIDA

KNOWS THAT--OR AS I LIKE TO CALL

IT, NORTH CUBA.

ALL RIGHT, ANYWAY...

THEY ARE, UH--

THIS STUFF IS SO POTENT, OKAY?

THEY ALL KNOW HOW STRONG IT IS.

YOU TAKE ONE, MAYBE A HALF

OF ONE, AND YOU'RE DONE, OKAY?

FOR, LIKE, 36 HOURS, ALL RIGHT?

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

THAT'S SOUTH FLORIDA MATH,

LIKE THERE'S 28 GRAMS

IN AN OUNCE.

THERE'S 2.2 IN A KEY, OKAY?

THAT'S SOUTH FLORIDA MATH,

ALL RIGHT?

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

AND SO WHEN THEY BROUGHT IT OUT

TO ME--LITTLE BABY DOLL TEA SET

CUP OF COFFEE--I'M LIKE,

"UH, DIEGO...

UH, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS

LITTLE BABY DOLL TEA SET CUP

OF COFFEE, DIEGO?

I WANTED A WHOLE CUP.

WHAT ARE YOU ALL, RATIONING

BECAUSE Y'ALL IS FROM CUBA

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, DIEGO?

THERE AIN'T NO COMMUNISTS

HERE, ALL RIGHT.

WOLVERINE! TELL YOUR FRIEND.

I'M GONNA NEED A WHOLE CUP

OF COFFEE, DIEGO."

AND HE WAS LIKE, "OKAY, MAN.

HOW MUCH WOULD YOU LIKE?"

AND I'M SAYING TO MYSELF,

"YOU KNOW, I DRINK THOSE VENTI

WHITE MOCHA NONFAT NO-WHIPPED

FROM STARBUCKS, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, AND I LOVE 'EM.

THEY'RE GOOD, ALL RIGHT?

AND I HAVE 'EM SPRINKLE

IN EXTRA GAY.

SO GOOD. MM.

THAT EXTRA GAY IS WHAT MAKES IT.

I DON'T IF YOU'VE HAD IT.

ASK FOR IT.

THERE'S A SECRET MENU.

JUST GO, "JUST GIVE ME THE

GAYEST DRINK Y'ALL GOT,"

AND YOU'LL GET WHAT I GOT.

I LOVE IT. IT'S SO GOOD. MM.

[laughter]

BUT THAT'S LIKE 20 OUNCES, OKAY?

SO I'M THINKING, "JUST GIVE ME

AS BIG AS YOU GOT, ALL RIGHT?

BUT LEAVE SOME ROOM

FOR SOME CREAM.

I LIKE SOME CREAM IT."

"ALL RIGHT. OKAY."

IT TOOK HIM 25 MINUTES TO BREW

UP ENOUGH CUBAN COFFEE

TO FILL 16 OUNCES,

APPROXIMATELY, OKAY?

YEAH, AT A COST OF $58,

BY THE WAY.

I FOUND THAT OUT THE HARD WAY.

THAT'S A LITTLE STICKER SHOCK.

I AIN'T NEVER GONNA BITCH ABOUT

$4.25 FROM THE 'BUCK, ALL RIGHT?

AND APPARENTLY, THIS IS CLOSE

TO 84 SHOTS OF ESPRESSO.

I HAD NO IDEA.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SOMETHING

MIGHT BE WRONG WHEN I ADDED

THE CREAM, AND IT DIDN'T

CHANGE COLOR.

THAT'S A BAD SIGN, ISN'T IT?

I DRANK THAT CUP OF COFFEE.

IT TOOK ME, LIKE, 30 MINUTES.

IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING CUP OF

COFFEE I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.

OH, MY GOD.

FOR THAT 30 MINUTES,

I COULD SEE INTO THE FUTURE.

[laughter]

IT WAS AMAZING.

I FELT SO ALIVE.

I PUT THAT CUP OF COFFEE DOWN,

CRAPPED MY PANTS.

[laughter]

AND I FILLED MY BRITCHES

ALL THE WAY UP, JACK.

[laughter]

I LITERALLY DROPPED IT

LIKE IT WAS HOT.

AND THERE WASN'T EVEN NO

PRELUDE TO IT.

THERE'S WASN'T AN, "OH.

AH. OOOOH."

NOPE. JUST DEUCE.

[laughter]

OR AS THEY CALL IT, DOS.

I SHOOK FOR 98 HOURS.

[laughter]

"PLEASE, JESUS, LET ME SLEEP.

I JUST WANT TO SLEEP, JESUS."

[screaming]

FINALLY, ONE OF MY BUDDIES GAVE

ME A BUMP OF COCAINE THAT I

COULD COME OFF OF THAT COFFEE.

[laughter]

HE SAID, "SOMETIMES, YOU GOT

TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE."

SO I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GO."

>> TOUGH YEAR FOR WHITE TRASH,

THOUGH.

WHITE TRASH HAS BEEN TAKING IT

ON THE CHIN, YOU KNOW,

ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S PASSING,

BRITNEY SPEARS' MELTDOWN.

TOUGH YEAR.

I LOVE WATCHING WHAT'S HAPPENING

TO BRITNEY SPEARS.

I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I LOVE IT.

I LAP IT UP LIKE HOMEMADE

ICE CREAM.

OH, MY GOD.

BEING FROM THE SOUTH, THAT'S ONE

OF THE FAVORITE THINGS IN THE

WORLD IS WATCHING WHITE TRASH

REVERT TO ITS ORIGINAL FORM,

ISN'T IT?

[laughter]

WHEN, UH--

[laughing]

WHEN SHE SHAVED HER HEAD,

I WAS LIKE, "IS IT MY BIRTHDAY?"

[laughter]

WHAT? AH!

IT JUST GETS GOOD, MM-HMM.

WHITE TRASH, WHITE TRASH,

WHITE TRASH.

SHE DOES SO MUCH WHITE TRASH

THINGS, BUT NOBODY EVER CALLS

HER WHITE TRASH BUT ME.

I MEAN, SHE--SHE, UH, MARRIED

A DUDE IN VEGAS FOR 56 HOURS

TILL SHE SOBERED UP

AND GOT IT ANNULLED.

WELL, THAT'S WHITE TRASH.

MADE SOME BABIES AND DRINK

AND SMOKE WHILE YOU HAVING THEM.

THAT'S WHITE TRASH.

GETTING DIVORCED.

GIVE 'EM TO THE HUSBAND.

DON'T GO TO COURT AND FIGHT

FOR YOUR BABIES.

THAT'S WHITE TRASH.

DON'T RIDE AROUND WITH 'EM

IN A CAR SEAT OR A BOOSTER SEAT

OR NOTHING.

JUST PUT IN 'EM IN THE FRONT LAP

OF THE FRONT SEAT, OKAY, LIKE

MAMA'S EXTRA AIRBAG, OKAY?

THAT'S WHITE TRASH.

THIS IS WHITE TRASH HERE:

SHE WAS CAUGHT WALKING BAREFOOT

OUT OF A GAS STATION BATHROOM.

EUGH. EUGH.

WALKING AROUND WITH

THE BLACK FEET, OH!

HAMMERTOES, BLACK-FOOTED

WHITE TRASH.

THAT'S WHAT BRITNEY SPEARS IS.

UHHHH. THAT'S DIRTY.

BUT IN LOS ANGELES,

NOBODY CALLS HER WHITE TRASH.

THEY CALL HER BIPOLAR OR, UH...

[laughter]

MANIC DEPRESSIVE.

NO, THAT'S WHITE TRASH,

AND IN TEXAS, WE CALL IT

LIKE WE SEE IT.

BIPOLAR? UH-MM. SORRY, LADY.

YOU'RE WHITE TRASH, BITCH.

WELCOME TO SONIC.

YOU'RE ON TATER TOTS.

[cheers and applause]

HILARIOUS.

A LOT OF WOMEN, LIKE MY WIFE--

WELL, SHE GOT MAD AT BRITNEY.

SHE WAS CAUGHT WITH

NO PANTIES ON.

THAT--OOOH, THAT UPSET MY WIFE.

"THAT'S DIRTY.

ISN'T THAT DIRTY, WALKING

AROUND WITH NO PANTIES ON?

SHE'S GOT CHILDREN.

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN IN A COUPLE

OF YEARS WHEN THOSE BOYS ARE ON

THE INTERNET WITH THEIR FRIENDS,

AND SOMEBODY GOES, 'HEY,

YOU WANT TO SEE

YOUR MOM'S 'GINER?'"

YOU GOT A POINT, HON.

IN MY GENERATION, I HAVEN'T HAD

MANY TIMES WHERE I REMEMBER

WHEN I SAW SOMETHING, OKAY?

YOU KNOW, CHALLENGER

DISASTER, 9/11, OKAY?

I REMEMBER--WHAT HAPPENED TO ME

WHEN I SAW BRITNEY SPEARS',

YOU KNOW, HOOCH FOR THE FIRST

TIME, I WAS WORKING WITH MY PAL

BILLY WAYNE IN PITTSBURGH.

AND IT WAS ABOUT 4:00

IN THE AFTERNOON,

AND I KICKED HIM OUT BECAUSE

I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, I MIGHT

DROP A BATCH TO CHARMED.

[laughter]

NOBODY WATCHES CHARMED?

ALYSSA MILANO, HOT AS HELL.

I'VE BEEN WITH HER SINCE

WHO'S THE BOSS?

THAT'S HOW OLD SCHOOL I AM.

I'VE BEEN ROCKING IT.

SHE'S HOT.

ALL YOU GOT IS BASIC CABLE,

I'M SAYING, "THANK YOU, TNT."

[laughter]

ANYWAY, SO I KICKED HIM OUT,

ALL RIGHT, AND I GOT A KNOCK

ON THE DOOR, OKAY.

AND IT WAS ANOTHER

LAW & ORDER, BY THE WAY.

ALL RIGHT.

JERRY ORBACH DOES NOTHING

FOR ME, OKAY?

AND SO IT WAS A KNOCK ON

THE DOOR, BUT IT WASN'T,

LIKE, A FRIENDLY KNOCK.

LIKE, YOU KNOW IT AIN'T

YOUR PAL.

IT WAS A BAM BAM BAM,

LIKE SECURITY: "HEY, WE KNOW

Y'ALL SMOKING WEED IN THERE."

AND WE AIN'T DONE IT

IN THREE HOURS.

WE HAD THE WINDOW OPEN

AND HAD THE TOWEL BY THE DOOR.

WE BELIEVE IN JESUS.

WE'RE A VERY RESPECTABLE PEOPLE.

[laughter]

I LOOK OUT THE LITTLE PEEPHOLE,

AND IT'S BILLY WAYNE

ALL FRUSTRATED.

AND I'M LIKE--I OPENED THE DOOR.

AND HE COMES IN AND ASKS ME

THE STRANGEST QUESTION ANYBODY

HAS EVER ASKED ME AT THE TOP

OF A CONVERSATION:

"DUDE, HAVE YOU SEEN

BRITNEY SPEARS' VAGINA?"

LIKE HE LEFT IT IN MY ROOM.

[laughter]

"I DON'T KNOW.

LET'S LOOK FOR IT.

HELP, ANYONE?"

[laughter]

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

IT'S THE STRANGEST QUESTION

ANYBODY'S EVER ASKED ME.

MY ONLY RESPONSE WAS, "NO.

AND I HAVEN'T GOTTEN TWO OTHER

WISHES FROM A GENIE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT, MAN?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "IT'S ONLINE."

"NO."

[laughter]

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.

IT TOOK 12 SECONDS.

♪ 'GINER ON THE SCREEN ♪

♪ THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE ♪

FIVE YEARS AGO, WHILE IN JAPAN

ON TOUR, BRITNEY WAS SUPPOSEDLY

OFFERED A MILLION DOLLARS BY

A JAPANESE BILLIONAIRE

TO SLEEP WITH HER.

FIVE YEARS LATER, SAME VAGINA

FREE ON THE INTERNET.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.

[laughter]

I GOT TO DO THIS,

BECAUSE THE REASON I CAME BACK

TO TEXAS TO TAPE THIS SPECIAL

WASN'T BECAUSE ANYBODY WANTED

ME TO DO IT.

I DID IT HERE BECAUSE

I LOVE TEXAS.

I LOVE TEXAS IN A LOT OF WAYS.

[cheers and applause]

THIS IS WHERE I--

THIS IS WHERE I CAME UP

AS A COMEDIAN.

THIS IS WHERE I WANTED TO BE

AS A COMEDIAN.

THIS IS WHERE I WAS RAISED.

I LOVE TEXAS,

EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

I LOVE IT.

IT'S A GREAT MELTING POT.

WE GOT A LOT OF BLACK,

WE GOT A LOT OF BROWN,

WE GOT A LOT OF WHITE,

AND, YOU KNOW, SOMEHOW,

WE ALL GET ALONG.

AND I LIKE IT LIKE THAT.

I MEAN, YOU EVEN SEE BLACK

PEOPLE AT THE RODEO IN HOUSTON,

DON'T YOU?

IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

IS THAT RODEO, BOY.

I LOVE IT, MAN.

YOU SEE EVERYBODY.

YOU SEE MEXICANS, BLACK FOLKS.

YEAH, BLACK PEOPLE GO

TO THE RODEO IN TEXAS.

AIN'T THAT SOMETHING?

YEAH, SON.

MY FAVORITE EVENT OF THE RODEO--

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU ALL ARE--

BULL-RIDING, ALL RIGHT.

I LOVE BULL-RIDING.

AND YOU NEVER SEE A WHOLE LOT

OF FAT GUYS DO THIS, DO YOU?

I THINK IT'D BE A LOT FUNNIER

OF A SPORT IF YOU COULD GET,

LIKE, ONCE A NIGHT AND PUT

A FAT GUY ON A BULL.

[laughter]

"NOW RIDING SATAN'S BREATH,

THE MOST DANGEROUS BULL

ON THE CIRCUIT, ALL THE WAY

FROM HOUSTON, TEXAS,

RALPHIE MAY."

[cheers and applause]

"AND HE'S OFF."

[laughter]

WHOO!

"TIME. ANOTHER PERFECT SCORE

FOR RALPHIE MAY."

FOLKS, Y'ALL BEEN BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

AUSTIN, TEXAS,

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

GOOD NIGHT.

[cheers and applause]

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