Tuesday, July 5, 2016

  • 07/05/2016

Emily Fleming, John Ross Bowie and Jay Mandyam imagine the contents of the Internet Bill of Rights, list reasons they #GotFiredBecause and make up better names for animals.

Nowadays, having Internet accessis just as important

as things like educationand free speech.

After all, it's how most of usapply for jobs, do our jobs,

tweet things that cause usto lose our jobs.

That is why the United NationsHuman Rights Council

has passed a non-bindingresolution condemning countries

that disrupt citizens'Internet access.

So now it's considereda basic human right

to say stuff like this.

"Y'all know that Atlanta spelledbackyards is Atlanta."

(laughter)

Mm...

I think there are other things

that Jay do not gotbesides that juice.

-Uh...-FLEMING: No juice.

MANDYAM:Chris, he does not speak

for all Jays, all right?I just want you to know.

HARDWICK: Okay, he isa one and only Jay.

-He does not speak for all Jays.-Hashtag #notalljays.

God bless America.

Hopefully, this will leadto some sort of Internet bill

of human rights guaranteeing

that everyone has high-speedaccess to our dankest memes.

Comedians,what's something you might find

on an Internet bill of rights?

-Emily.-The right to delete

your historywhen your boyfriend gets home.

-I mean... -All right,I'll give you points.

(applause and cheering)

-Jay.-The 34th amendment is

if it exists,somebody's jerking off to it.

HARDWICK: Yeah, that's the 34thamendment, I believe.

(applause)

Uh, I think it was Ben Franklinwho said that.

Uh, John Ross Bowie.

You have the rightto a speedy trial

of middle schoolers calling youHitler in the comment section.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Points.

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

Now... we're a few weeksinto summer,

which meanswe're probably seeing

the first rounds of firingsfrom minimum wage summer jobs.

Uh, oh, sorry, you'rethe only one who didn't think

it was hilarious to put Doug'sused condom in the deep fryer.

I don't need this job,

'cause my Papa Roachcover band's gonna be huge!

Who's quittin' with me, huh?

Cooter? Big Carl?Medium Richard?

Blimpie? Herpes Jim?Lil' Petey?

Chankston? Dumpster?Garbage Phil?

No one? Just me?(bleep) y'all!

-(whooping, applause)-So...

Comedians, in honor of becomingspontaneously without work,

tonight's hashtag is#GotFiredBecause.

#GotFiredBecause.

Exam...

Aw. Examples might be:Bad at typing, good at jerking,

or: Took too much advicefrom Clippy.

Uh, I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock starting now.

-Jay. -I tried to seducemy boss. I work for my dad.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Jay again.-I brought a cake on 9/11.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Emily. -Okay, so technically,I'm not a "nurse."

(laughter)

Points.

-Emily.-I'm Chelsea Handler.

-All right, points.-(laughter, shouts)

-John Ross Bowie. -Rabbididn't like my face tattoo.

All right, points. Weird.

-Jay. -I can type500 N-words a minute.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

Oh, oh, you're here for the jobof YouTube commenter.

Uh, Emily.

(woozily): I barfedin those teacups at Disneyland.

-(laughter)-All right, points. John.

Hospital very strict aboutits shirt-and-shoes policy.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-John Ross Bowie.-Seriously misinterpreted

Take Your Daughter to Work Day.

-All right, points.-(gasps, groans)

(laughter)

-I'm apologizing. -There'sa lot of question marks.

There's a lot of question marks.

-Emily.-So you're not supposed

to make the Swarovski crystalanimals (bleep) each other?

-No, you're not supposedto do that. -No.

Not at this Macy's.

Uh... John.

HR and I disagreed on thedefinition of finger blasting.

-All right, points. Points.-(laughter, groans)

An online petition gainedworldwide support this weekend,

and as of this momentit's only around 8,000 shy

of its target goal of 25,000.

I want you to take note.

Rush to your computersas soon as this show is done.

Once the benchmark is hitthe petition will be delivered

to president Barack Obama andFacebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

So what is the willof the people that needs

to be addressed in America'smost powerful corridors?

It is...

let's rename fire antsspicy boys!

Yes! It's time, you guys.

It's time.Let's call it what it is.

These fire ants are spicy boys,

and it's timewe acknowledged this legally.

Uh...(laughing)

I can't stop...

I am so (bleep) on board this,you have no idea.

Even if just for, like,if someone gets attacked,

you're like, "What happenedto your foot? Oh, spicy boys.

Yeah, spicy boys."

The highest office in the landmight be forced to address

an issue that is near and dearto the hearts

of every picnicking American

and a handful of pervertswho try to stick their dicks

in hollow trees.

I am... cannot tell youhow much I support this.

Uh, so, uh, comedians,

in honor of the fire ant-spicy boys initiative,

I would like you to renameas many other animals as you can

in 60 seconds. And begin. Emily.

Mosquitoes are now calledZika fairies.

All right, points.(laughs)

That's so (bleep)-up.

Uh, John Ross Bowie.

Iguanas will now be renamedthe preferred pet

of the douchebagwho wears a black cowboy hat.

All right, points. Jay.

Black bearsare now forest Kardashians.

All right, points. Emily.

Fire ants are now called spicywhatever you identify with.

All right, points. Jay.

Ostriches are now calledKa-Kareem Abdul-Jabbirds.

All right, points. Jay again.

Pit bulls are nowbald, washed-up Cuban deejays.

All right, points.

Emily.

(cheering and applause)

Uh, dolphins are a little rapey,

so, uh, we're gonna call 'emsea Cosbys.

(buzzer sounds)

He should go to jail.He did it on porpoise.

Aw. Come on, you guys.

Aw, come on.