CC Presents: Joe Matarese

  • Season 12, Ep 14
  • 01/11/2008

FIRST STARTED DATING MY WIFE,I WAS LIKE, I DON'T KNOW IF

I CAN HANG WITHTHIS SCHOLASTICALLY.

NOT EVEN SURETHAT'S THE RIGHT WORD.

SO I MAKE THE MISTAKEOF BOUNCING THIS OFF OF

MY YOUNGER, ITALIAN BROTHER.AND I'M 100 PERCENT ITALIAN.

NOW, SOME EAST COAST ITALIANSCAN APPRECIATE THAT THAT MEANS

I'M SURROUNDED BYSOME NEGATIVE PRICKS.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS. YOU CAN'TOPEN UP TO THESE PEOPLE, NO.

THEY WILL STEP ON YOUR DREAMS.THEY WILL HURT YOU.

I FELT LIKE WE WERE CONNECTING.I GOT VULNERABLE.

I WAS LIKE,"CHRIS, I MET THIS GIRL

AND SHE'S REALLY INTELLIGENT.SHE GOT, LIKE,

1400 ON HER SATs."AND THEN I THOUGHT

I HAD AN IDEA. I GO,"MAYBE I COULD START READING.

I COULD TAKE A SUMMER COURSE."

HE JUST LOOKS AT ME AND GOES,"GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF HERE.

YOU CAN'T QUIT DUMBCOLD TURKEY. HEY, HEY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLASUE]

WAS NOW I'M TRYINGTO GET MY WIFE PREGNANT.

I'M 39 YEARS OLD.DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS.

FIGURED OUT,I SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE

TRYING TO NOTGET WOMEN PREGNANT.

AND I HAD IT DOWN, MAN.I SPENT SO MUCH TIME

TRYING TO NOTGET WOMEN PREGNANT.

I DIDN'T THINK MY SPERM WEREGONNA BELIEVE ME, YOU KNOW?

I PICTURED MY SPERM BEING,LIKE, "YEAH, THIS IS A DRILL."

[LAUGHTER]

SHOULD'VE SEEN ME, MAN.I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOIN'

TRYING TO GETMY WIFE PREGNANT, MAN.

I'D BE HAVIN' SEX WITH HER.I WOULD GET REALLY ANXIOUS

AND I WOULD JUST PULL OUT ANDJUST START POLKING THE WALLS.

SHE'S, LIKE,"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

I'M, LIKE "I HAVE NO IDEA.I DON'T KNOW.

- THAT'S JUST A HABIT."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN MY WIFE SPENDS A WEEKENDWITH ONE OF HER GOOD FRIENDS.

AND HER ADVICE WAS THATSHE HAD SEX WITH HER HUSBAND

EVERY DAY FOR A MONTH, ANDTHAT'S HOW SHE GOT PREGNANT.

SO MY WIFE COMES HOME AND SAYS,"THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD DO.

JUST HAVE SEXEVERY DAY FOR A MONTH.IT'LL WORK."

I JUST STARTED LAUGHINGIN MY WIFE'S FACE, YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T REALLYKNOW HOW TO BREAK THIS TO YOU,

BUT I'M 39 YEARS OLD.AND THE ONLY WAY I CAN SEX

31 DAYS IN A ROW IFIT'S WITH 31 DIFFERENT WOMEN."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

FINALLY, FINALLY,THERE'S SOME MARRIED PEOPLETHAT GET THAT JOKE, MAN.

'CAUSE SINGLE PEOPLENEED TO HEAR THIS,

MARRIAGE IS BASICALLYWHO CAN GET IN THE BAGGIER,

[BLEEP] SWEATPANTS FASTEST.'CAUSE MY WIFE,

SHE PUTS REALLY SEXY OUTFITSON TO GO TO HER PSYCHOLOGY JOB

AND THEN SHE JUST LEAVES ME.AND EVERY GUY THERE'S, LIKE,

"OH, MAN, I WANT TO BANG HER."THEN SHE COMES HOME,

SHE TAKES ALL OFHER HOT CLOTHES OFF.

SHE STARTS PUTTIN'THE BAGGY [BLEEP] ON.

HOLES IN THE KNEE.

SHE LOOKS LIKE A SUPERHEROWITH NO BUDGET.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S A BIG DUDE.BUT HE WAS RIGHT.

LIKE I SAID, I GOT ISSUESBUT I'M AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE

WHERE I'M TRYINGTO CHANGE, OKAY?

DIDN'T THINK I COULD CHANGE, BUTTHEN I SAW THE END OF ROCKY IV.

IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ROCKY IV,

IT'LL BE ONLATER TONIGHT ON TNT.

FOLLOWED BY SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE CABLE,HERE WE GO.

IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER ROCKY--"IF I CAN CHANGE--

YOU CAN CHANGE.

- EVERYBODY CAN CHANGE!"- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT SPOKE TO ME.IT REALLY DID.

I WAS, LIKE,"YES! I CAN DO THIS."

SO I'M TRYING TO CHANGE.ONE OF THE MAIN THINGS

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CHANGE,

I'M TRYING TO BECOMEA BETTER LISTENER.

THOUGHT I HAD ADD.AND THE REASON I THOUGHT

I HAD ADD IS 'CAUSEEVERYBODY THINKS THEY HAVEADD NOW, RIGHT?

IT'S FRUSTRATING 'CAUSENO ONE'S EVER BEEN TO A DOCTOR.

NO, PEOPLE WILL DIAGNOSETHEMSELVES WITH ADD

USUALLY RIGHT IN THE MIDDLEOF YOU TELLING THEM A STORY.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S ANNOYING, RIGHT?YOU'RE TALKING--

"OH, SORRY, DUDE. ADD, MAN."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S JUST LAME, YOU KNOW?IT'S NOT HONEST.

I'M HONEST. I FIGURED IT OUT.I DON'T HAVE ADD.

YOU KNOW WHAT?I JUST KIND OF HAVE TROUBLE

GIVIN' A [BLEEP] ABOUTWHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE SAYING.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I GUESS THE MEDICAL TERM FORMY PROBLEM IS, IS I'M A DICK.

I LIKE TO CALL IT DICKSLEXIA.THAT'S WHAT I CALL IT.

NOW, MARRIAGE HASA LOT OF ANXIETY IN IT,

ONE OF MY OTHERISSUES IS INSECURITY,BELIEVE IT OR NOT.

THIS IS WHYI LOVE STANDUP COMEDY.

IT'S THE ONLY TIME IN MY DAYI FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

I WALK OFFSTAGEI'M AN INSECURE MENTAL MESS.

ALL IT TAKESIS THIS PHRASE, TOO,

THIS PHRASE CANMAKE ME INSECURE, I HATE IT,

"HEY, DO YOU KNOWWHO YOU LOOK LIKE?"

HAS THAT PHRASE EVER BEENFOLLOWED BY SOMETHING NICE?

IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHINGTHAT'S GONNA HURT YOUR FEELINGS

FOR LIKE A YEAR, RIGHT?THIS HAPPENED TO ME RECENTLY.

I'M PULLINGMY BAG ONTO A PLANE,

STEWARDESS STOPS ME AND GOES,"DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU LOOK LIKE?"

AND I COULDN'T STOP MY FACEFROM GOING, "WHO?" RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,BUT YOU CAN'T NOT

MAKE THAT FACE,YOU'RE, LIKE, "WHO?"

IT'S LIKE WE'RE TRYINGTO MAKE OUR SELF NOTLOOK LIKE THAT PERSON.

"I DON'T KNOW,WHO DO YOU THINK?"

THIS LADY LOOKS AT MEAND GOES, "RAINMAN."

[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

AND I'M, LIKE, "OH,YOU MEAN DUSTIN HOFFMAN."

SHE'S, LIKE,"NO, RAINMAN." I'M LIKE

I'D RATHER LOOK LIKE TOOTSIE.

IT'S EASY TO BE INSECURE WHENYOU MARRY SOMEONE WITH A PHd.

RIGHT MARRIED PEOPLE?LET ME HEAR YA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

STEP ONE OF MY ANXIETY BOUGHTA HOUSE WITH MY WIFE RECENTLY.

MADE THE MISTAKE OF MOVING INWITH MY WIFE'S MOTHER

FOR TWO MONTHS.

MM...NOW, SINGLE PEOPLE,DON'T EVER DO THIS, OKAY?

FIRST OF ALL MAIN REASON,

YOU WON'T GET LAIDFOR TWO MONTHS.

AND YOU NEED SEX'CAUSE IT HELPS ME, ESPECIALLY,

'CAUSE IT RELIEVESANXIETY, DOESN'T IT?

SOMETHIN' ABOUT, OKAY, CLAP--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOMETHIN' ABOUT, "AH",IT'S ALWAYS FOLLOWED BY, "AH.

SO I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE NOISEIN MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S HOUSE.

I DIDN'T WANT HERTO HERE ME GOIN',

"YEAH, YOUR MOM'SLISTENIN'," YOU KNOW?

BUT THEN BECAUSEWE WEREN'T MAKING ANY NOISE,

NOW I CAN HEARHER MOM HAVIN' SEX.

THAT'S WORSE, RIGHT?IT'S WORSE 'CAUSE I GOTTO SEE HER AT BREAKFAST.

SHE'S ALL HAPPY.I'M ALL PISSED. YOU KNOW?

SHE'S LIKE, "GOOD MORNING.HI. HI, HI, HI. I MADE EGGS.

HOW WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE 'EM?"I'M, LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

DOGGIE STYLE?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"I MEAN, YOU'RE EASY--OVER EASY?

I'M JUST GONNA HAVE CEREAL."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

WAS AT ITS WORST

AND I HIT ROCK BOTTOMAND I NEEDED THERAPY

WHEN I WAS GETTING PISSEDWATCHIN' TENNIS ON TELEVISION.

OH, NOT EVEN AT THE MATCH.AT THAT CHAIR UMPIRE GUY.

THIS GUY WITH HIS LITTLE"QUIET, PLEASE." JUST THAT.

JUST THAT MOVEWAS PISSIN' ME OFF.

JUST THE WAY HE WAS DOIN' IT.

"PLEASE BE QUIET.

QUIET, PLEASE."

I'M AT HOME GOIN', "YOU'RETHE ONLY ONE MAKING NOISE."

I'M LIKE, NOW I WISHI HAD THIS GUY

IN THE LIVING ROOM DOORIN MY MARRIAGE.

NOW HE WOULD SAVE MESO MUCH AGGRAVATION.

HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BETO HAVE A TOTALLY ONE-SIDED

CHAIR UMPIRE IN YOUR HOUSE.MY WIFE'S, LIKE,

"WHY'D YOU GET THAT TV?IT'S TOO BIG FOR THE ROOM

AND I DON'T--""QUIET, PLEASE.

ADVANTAGE, JOE."

I'M JOE MATARESE,YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN AWESOME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By mCCaptioning Serviceswww.mCCaption.com

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

WOW, FOLKS.YOU GUYS SOUND AMAZING, MAN.

HOLY COW, YOU GAVE MECHILLS RIGHT THEN.

THAT WAS NICE, MAN.I GUESS A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME.

LET'S JUST START--YOU SEE THE BACKDROP.

- I GOT PROBLEMS.- [LAUGHTER]

TO MAKE IT EVEN WORSE,ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO,

I MARRIED A WOMANTHAT HAS A PHd IN PSYCHOLOGY.

I WENT TO COMMUNITY COLLEGEFOR ABOUT AN HOUR.

AND I AM A TOTAL NEUROTICMENTAL MESS, MAN.

LIKE I HAVE A FRIENDTHAT WEIGHS 450 POUNDS.

TOLD HIM I WASDATING A PSYCHOLOGIST.

HE GOES, "THAT'S LIKEME DATING A NUTRITIONIST.

- [HEAVY SIGH]."- [LAUGHTER]

RIGHT, 'CAUSE HE HASTO BREATHE AFTER HE TALKS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HE'S 450, MAN. I MEAN,HE'S ONE OF THESE PEOPLE

THAT CAN'T GET A SEATBELTOVER HIS BODYWHEN I'M DRIVING WITH HIM.

BUT THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.I'M LIKE "HE'S PROBABLY SAFE."

COME ON, FOLKS,WE'RE IN NEW YORK.

LET'S GET MEAN HERE,COULD WE?

WHAT IS THE WORSTTHAT COULD HAPPEN TO HIM?

I SLAM ON THE BRAKESHE'S LIKE, "OH. AH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IS I HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS.NEW YORKERS CAN RELATE.

GOT ANGER PROBLEMS.

YOU KNOW WHO DEALSWITH ANGER THE BEST?

DO YOU EVER LISTENTO SPORTS TALK RADIO?

THESE GUYS ARE THE BEST AT IT.AND I FIGURED OUT WHY.

'CAUSE THEY CANFADE TO COMMERCIALS.

IF SOMETHIN' PISSES 'EM OFF,THEY JUST FADE OUT.

I WAS LISTENIN' TO THIS GUYHERE IN NEW YORK.

HE WAS LIVID ABOUTA YEAR AND A HALF AGO

WHEN TERRELL OWENS GOTPICKED UP BY THE COWBOYS.

I JUST TURNED ON THE RADIO,I HEAR HIM GOIN',

"WHY THE HELL THEY WOULD TAKETERRELL OWENS ON THE TEAM,

I MEAN, COME ON.YOU COULD GO 0 AND 68WITH THIS GREAT PLAYER.

I REALLY HATE TERRELL. HEY,TERRELL, IF YOU'RE IN NEW YORK,

YOU LISTEN TO YOUR RADIO,

MAYBE YOU SHOULDSHOOT YOURSELF IN THE FACE.

YOU'RE A PIECE OF CRAP.DIE, TERRELL OWENS.

IT'S 4:03 ON THE FAN,WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, MAN. I WAS SO JEALOUS.I WAS, LIKE, WOW,

THAT APPROACH WOULD PROBABLYNEVER WORK IN MY MARRIAGE.

IMAGINE IF I TRIED THAT.

SHE'S LIKE "YOU'RE NOTLISTENING TO ME."

I WAS, LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?I'M TRYING TO LISTEN

TO YOU TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DIDTODAY AT YOUR JOB, ALL RIGHT?

BUT I HAVE, LIKE,A LEARNING DISABILITY.

I HAVE TROUBLE GIVING A [BLEEP]ABOUT ANYTHING YOU DID TODAY.

AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE MAD.YOU'RE A PSYCHOLOGIST.

WHY DON'T YOU JUSTACCEPT ME? HA, HA. YEAH,

ACCEPT ME AS A GUY THAT'SNEVER BE ABLE TO GIVE A [BLEEP]

ABOUT ANYTHING YOU DID TODAY.IT'S 5:03 IN THE LIVING ROOM.

I'LL BE IN THE KITCHEN."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S HARD HAVING AN ANGERPROBLEM IN NEW YORK. IT IS.

'CAUSE THERE'S A LOT OFPEOPLE GOIN', "YOU'RE NOT ANGRY.

YOU'RE A NEW YORKER.JUST STAY HERE."

SO I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.I'M LIKE, MAYBE I JUST NEED

TO LIVE IN NEW YORKAND NEVER GO OTHER PLACES.

'CAUSE IT REALLY STANDS OUT--ESPECIALLY WHEN I GO WEST.

I DON'T FIT IN, MAN.NO, I DON'T.

ESPECIALLY IN TWO CITIES:L.A. AND PORTLAND, OREGON. OH.

YOU EVER BEEN IN THESE CITIES

WHERE THE PEOPLE SMILEWHILE THEY'RE IN TRAFFIC?

LIKE "OH MY GOD.WE'RE NOT MOVING.

ARE WE GONNA MOVE? HELLO.WE SHOULD TALK."

OR EVEN WORSE,HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON THE PLANE

WHERE THE PEOPLECLAP WHEN IT LANDS?

OH. "WE LANDED."WE WERE SUPPOSED TO LAND.

WHAT DO YOU BOO WHEN WECRASH INTO A CORNFIELD?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S A STORY THATDEFINES MY PARANOID MOM.

NOW, I USED TO SMOKE POTA LOT IN TENTH GRADE.

THAT WAS MY POT YEAR.AND YEAH, SOMEBODY WHO'SIN TENTH GRADE WITH ME?

WOO! TENTH GRADE, BRO.IT WAS MY POT YEAR.

AND THIS WAS THE INCIDENT WHEREI COULD NEVER SMOKE POT AGAIN.

NOW, I BOUGHT THIS JOINTOFF THIS KID AT SCHOOL.

HIS NAME WASMIKE SCHWARTZ, OKAY,

I DON'T KNOW IFYOU KNOW HIM-- UP THERE.

MIKE SCHWARTZ SELLSME THIS JOINT, RIGHT?

I GO HOME, IT'S ABOUT3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.

I GO INTO MY PARENTS' BASEMENT.

I SMOKE THEWHOLE JOINT BY MYSELF.

THEN I GO INTO THE KITCHENAND I POUR THESE TWO,

TALL GLASSES OF VODKA, RIGHT?

AND I DOWN 'EM BOTH,BACK TO BACK.I'M, LIKE, BOOM, BOOM.

ABOUT 30 SECONDS GOES BY ANDTHEN I JUST START FREAKIN' OUT.

I'M HEARIN'[BLEEP], LIKE, ARRR.

I GO, HOPE THAT WAS OUTSIDE.ARRR. THAT WAS IN MY HEAD.

NOW, I HAVE TO HAVE ACONVERSATION WITH MYSELF

IN MY OWN HEAD TO TRYTO RELAX ME IN THIS MOMENT.

IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN THERE,

IT'S THE WORSE PLACEYOU COULD EVER BE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, "JOE?" "YEAH?""YOU'RE REALLY HIGH."

"I KNOW. I KNOW.I DON'T WANT TO BE, THOUGH.

I CAN'T BREATHE,I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO DIE.

MY HEART HURTS. I THINK I MIGHTSWALLOW MY TONGUE.

I'M GONNA BITE ITSO I DON'T SWALLOW IT."

"YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE.""I DON'T BELIEVE YOU."

"JUST GO OUTSIDEAND RUN IT OFF, MAN."

NOW ONCE AGAIN,MOST PEOPLE HERE MIGHT HAVE HAD

THAT THOUGHT,BUT YOU DIDN'T DO IT.

I DID IT, OKAY?I WENT OUTSIDE,

I JUST START RUNNIN'LIKE THIS SPRINTING [BLEEP].

I'M JUST, LIKE RUNNIN' IT OFF,RUNNIN' IT OFF.

I GO ABOUT TEN BLOCKSAWAY FROM MY PARENTS' HOUSE.

THEN I TURN AROUND,TEN BLOCKS BACK.

NOW I'M HYPERVENTILATING,DRUNK AND HIGH.

I PASS OUT ON MY PARENTS'FRONT LAWN. I'M, LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD. I'M GONNA DIERIGHT HERE ON MY FRONT LAWN.

THIS SUCKS.I DON'T WANT TO DIE."

NOW, I WAS SO SCAREDTHAT I HAD TO GO INSIDE

AND TELL MY MOMTHAT I WAS HIGH.

SHE RUSHED METO THE PEDIATRICIAN.

- IT'S TRUE.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S ALL THESECRYING BABIES AND WASTED JOE.

YOU KNOW, I'M OLDSO I HAD MY ASIA SHIRT ON,

HEAT OF THE MOMENT, WOO, YEAH.I GO IN TO SEE THE DOCTOR.

HE'S LIKE,"WHAT'S GOING ON, JOE?"

I'M, LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.I SMOKED THIS WHOLE JOINT.

I DRANK TWO TALLGLASSES OF VODKA.

I COULDN'T BREATHE.I TRIED TO RUN IT OFF.

AND MY MOM TOOK METO THE PEDIATRICIAN."

HE JUST LOOKS AT ME AND GOES,

"DID YOU BUY THATOFF OF MIKE SCHWARTZ?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

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