Wednesday, March 11, 2015

  • 03/11/2015

Emily Heller, Brendon Walsh and Randy Liedtke learn about a regrettably named men's shelter, #MakeAMovieHealthy and guess which bizarre PSAs are real.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: SPEAKING OF GINGERS,ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS LESS THAN A

WEEK AWAY, BUT CELEBRATIONSSTARTED EARLY BECAUSE FOR THE

NEXT 24 HOURS, CLASS A DRUGSLIKE SHAROOMS, ECTASY AND LSD

ARE LEGAL IN IRELAND.

WE HAVE SOME EXCLUSIVE LIVEFOOTAGE FROM DOOB-LIN.

>> MM, INTERESTING BLEND.

>> Chris: THAT LEPRECHAUN'S POTOF GOLD IS ACTUALLY JUST A POT

OF POT.

COMEDIANS, HOW WOULD YOU SPENDTHE DAY IF DRUGS WERE LEGALIZED

IN THIS COUNTRY?

BRENDON WALSH.

>> BUSINESS AS USUAL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RANDY.

>> WELL, SINCE I DON'T DO DRUGSAND I AM NOT LIKE A WEIRDO, I DO

WHAT I USUALLY DO, MAKE LOVE TOMY BROTHER.

>> Chris: HEY, ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

UH, POINTS?

NEXT ONE.

I QUITE ENJOYED THIS.

A CHRISTIAN MEN'S HOMELESSSHELTER IN ALASKA IS MAKING THE

INTERNET GIGGLE THIS WEEKBECAUSE OF ITS TERRIBLY

INAPPROPRIATE NAME.

WHAT IS THE TONE-DEAF NAMEGIVEN TO THE SANCTUARY FOR

WAYWARD DUDES?

A, A NIGHT ON YOUR KNEES.

B, THE GLORY HOLE.

OR C, MATTHEW, MARK AND THEFUNKY BUNCH.

YES, RANDY LIEDTKE.

>> THE GLORY HOLE.

>> Chris: SHOCKINGLY THE CORRECTANSWER IS, THE GLORY HOLE!

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?>> I'M SMART.

>> Chris: COMEDIANS, FOR BONUSPOINTS, WHAT ARE SOME SERVICES

OFFERED AT THE GLORY HOLEHOMELESS SHELTER.

EMILY.

>> MEALS ON WHEELS, BUT INTHIS ASE, THAT JUST MEANS A RIM

JOB ON ROLLER BLADES.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

OKAY, GUYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS, EVERYONEAT ONCE, IT'S REGISTERED

DIETICIAN DAY.

WHERE WERE YOU?

WHERE WERE YOU? HOW DID YOU KNOWTHAT?

SUCK IT, UNREGISTERED DIETICIANDAY.

IN HONOR OF THIS UNDERWEIGHTEDHOLIDAY, TODAY'S HASHTAG IS

#MakeAMovieHealthy,#MakeAMovieHealthy.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "DIE CHARD."

OR "KALE BILL."

OR "SO I MARRIED A FLAXMURDERER."

OR "50 SHADES OF WHEY."

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

YES, BRENDAN.

>> "12 YEARS A SLAVE TO THEELLIPTICAL SO MACHINE."

>> Chris: POINTS, VERY HEALTHY.

EMILY HELLER.

>> "QUINOA-TER WORLD."

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRENDAN.

>> "BONELESS, SKINLESS BIRDMAN."

>> Chris: POINTS.

RANDY LIEDTKE.

>> "SISTER ACT 2: BACK IN THEHALIBUT."

>> Chris: OH, NICE. POINTS.POINTS.

EMILY HELLER.

>> "THERE WILL BE BLOOD TESTS."

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> "SOME LIKE IT HOT, BUT RAWPRESERVES MORE OF THE

NUTRIENTS."

>> Chris: OKAY.

POINTS.

BRENDAN.

>> "THE JAZZERCIST."

>> Chris: POINTS.

EMILY.

>> "BAKED GREEN TOMATOES.'

>> Chris: POINT. RANDY.

>> "AMERICAN SNAPPER."

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRENDON.

>> "DIET STAR WARS."

JABBA, YOU LOOK GREAT.

>> Chris: RANDY.

>> "SCHINDLER'S WHOLE FOODSLIST."

>> Chris: POINTS.

WHICH GROCERIES WILL YOU TAKE?

POINTS.

RANDY.

>> 40-YEAR-OLD EXTRA VIRGINOLIVE OIL.

>> Chris: OKAY. I WILL TAKEIT.

THAT'S THE END OF HASHTAG WARS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY PUBLIC SERVICEABOMINATION.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: SOMETIMES IN LIFE IT'SHARD TO KNOW WHAT CHOICES

ONE SHOULD MAKE.

FORTUNATELY THE INTERNET ISLOADED WITH ANTIQUATED AND

BORDERLINE DISTURBING PUBLICSERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS.

I'M GOING TO DESCRIBETWO BIZARRE PSA VIDEOS AND FOR

250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TO TELLME WHICH IS REAL.

FIRST ONE --

DOES THIS PPSA HAVE AN UPBEATANTI-METH THEME SONG OR FEATURE

DEAD CELEBRITIES TO WARN ABOUTPIRACY.

BRENDON WALSH.

>> I'M GONNA GO WITH DEADCELEBRITIES.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT!

>> LOOK AT ME, BUSY AS A BEE.

WHERE'D I GET ALL THIS ENERGY.

OH, METH. OH, METH.

I DON'T SLEEP/ I DON'T EAT.

BUT I'VE GOT THE CLEANEST HOUSEON THE STREET.

OH, METH.

MMM, METH.

>> Chris: WHAT IS THAT?

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

>> Chris: WAS THAT FROM THE"BREAKING BAD" SOUNDTRACK?

WHAT WAS THAT?

THAT KIND OF MADE IT LOOKCOOL AND PRODUCTIVE.

>> YEAH.

THAT IS JUST A REALLY GOODCOMMERCIAL FOR METH.

>> YEAH.

SHE HAS THE CLEANEST HOUSE.

>> Chris: YES.

SERIOUSLY.

WELL SHE'S NOT USING HER TOOTHBRUSH TO BRUSH HER TEETH, SO SHE

CAN SCRUB HER TOILET.

YEAH, METH PEOPLE HAVE BADTEETH.

>> Chris: THAT'S WHY THEY'REGONNA LOOSE THEIR TEETH!

THEY'RE TOO BUSY CLEANING THEHOUSES!

YEAH. THAT'S WHY.

>> I MEAN LIKE, I DON'T WANT TODO METH BUT I DO WANT TO HIRE

HER.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

THE NEXT ONE.

DOES THIS 70s PSA FEATURINGRICKY PLAYING WITH MATCHES OR

LITTLE RICKY PLAYING WITHHIMSELF?

RANDY LIEDTKE.

>> I HOPE IT IS LITTLE RICKYPLAYING WITH HIMSELF.

>> Chris: RANDY. RANDY.

I WANT YOU TO BE HONEST.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU SAIDTHAT THIS WEEK?

>> MY SON'S NAME IS RICKY.

>> Chris: HERE IS THE CORRECTANSWER.

>> YEAH.

>> OH, EXCUSE ME, RICKY.

RICKY, I DID SEE WHAT YOU WEREDOING.

IT FELT GOOD, DIDN'T IT?

>> Chris: OH.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> Chris: WELL I GUESS I CANCROSS JERKING OFF OFF THE LIST

OF THINGS I WILL NEVER GET TO DOAGAIN AFTER WATCHING THAT.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THAT WAS SO HOT.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,LOWER YOUR STANDARDS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO EARLIER, I TALKED ABOUT HOWTHE CENSORS ON THIS SHOW BLEEPED

SOME UNEXPTED WORDS, BUT ATLEAST THEY DIDN'T TRY TO OVERDUB

ME WITH CLEAN DIALOGUE, WHICHTHEY DO ALL THE TIME WHEN THEY

SHOW R RATED MOVIES ON NETWORKTELEVISION.

LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT THEY DIDWITH THIS LINE FROM "SCARFACE."

THIS IS AN EXAMPLE.

SO THE ORIGINAL LINE WAS"WHERE'D YOU GET THAT BEAUTY

SCAR, TOUGH GUY? [BLEEP]INGPUSSY?"

REMEMBER FROM THE OPENING OF THESHOW. REMEMBER?

SO HERE'S HOW NETWORKTELEVISION CLEANED THAT UP.

>> "WHERE DID YOU GET THE BEAUTYSCAR, TOUGH GUY. EATING

PINEAPPLE?"

>> Chris: YEAH

I MEAN, TO BE FAIR, PINEAPPLESARE VERY SPINEY AND DANGEROUS.

SO IT IS COULD WORK.

SO IN HONOR OF THIS PURITANICALPRACTIRE, WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU

SOME FAMOUS NAUGHTY LINES FROMCLASSIC MOVIES, AND FOR 250

POINTS, YOU HAVE TO GUESS HOWTHEY THEY WERE CLEANED UP FOR

TELEVISION.

FIRST ONE: FROM "THE BIGLEBOWSKI," "SEE WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU (BLEEP) A STRANGER INTHE ASS?"

HOW DO YOU THINK THEY MADE ITSAFE FOR TV, RANDY?

>> SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HUGA STRANGER IN THE ASS.

>> Chris: LET'S SEE IF THEANSWER IS REAL.

>> SEE WHAT HAPPENS LARRY?

YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUFIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPES?

>> Chris: >> DID HE SAY WHEN YOUFIND A STRANGER IN THE APLES?

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE: FROM "SNAKESON A PLANE."

I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER(BLEEP)ING SNAKES ON THIS

MOTHER (BLEEP)ING PLANE.

RANDY.

>> WHAT THE HECK ARE THESESNAKES ARE DRIVING ME NUTS.

>> Chris: I DON'T EVEN THINK SAMJACKSON COULD FORM THOSE WORDS.

POINTS.

>> GEEZE LOUISE!

>> Chris: LET'S SEE HOW THEYACTUALLY TRIED TO CORRECT IT FOR

TELEVISION.

>> ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESEMONKEY- BITING SNAKES ON THIS

MONDAY TO FRIDAY PLANE.

>> Chris: WHAT IS A MONDAY TOFRIDAY PLANE?

DOESN'T FLY ON WEEKENDS?

...THESE MONKEY-BITING SNAKES.

THIS IS LIKE WATCH BAD LIPREADING ON YOURTUBE, BUT FOR

REAL.

NEXT ONE FROM "DIEHARD 2."

"YIPPIE-KI-YAY, MOTHER(BLEEP)ER."

THIS MAKES NO SENSE, THIS ONEMAKES NO SENSE WHEN YOU SEE IT.

EMILY.

>> SLEEPYTIME TEA, MARSHALMATHERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRENDON.

>> YIPPIE, I'M GAY MOTHER ANDFATHER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALL OF YOUR ANSWERS AREBETTER THAN WHAT THEY ACTUALLY

USED, WHICH WAS THIS.

>> YIPPIE-KI-YAY, MR. FALCON.

>> Chris: SO FIRST OF ALL THEYHIRED A SERBIAN GUY TO DO THE

VOICE OVER.

YIPPIE-KI-YAY, MR. FALCON?

MR. FALCON?

>> WAS THAT THE BAD GUY'S NAME?

>> Chris: NO! THERE WAS NO MR.FALCON IN "DIE HARD 2"!

I'M GONNA FALCON THIS SNAKE INTHE ALPES.

NEXT ONE, FROM "THE USUALSUSPECTS."

"HAND ME THE KEYS YOU,[BLEEP]ING [BLEEP] SUCKER"

EMILY.

>> HAND ME THE KEYS YOU CARRENTAL AGENT.

>> Chris: LET'S SEE THE ACTUALANSWER.

>> NUMBER ONE, STEP FORWARD.

HAND ME THE KEYS YOU, FAIRYGODMOTHER.

>> Chris: HAND ME THE KEYS YOUFAIRY GODMOTHER.

>> OH, THEM IS FIGHTING WORDSWHERE I COME FROM.

>> Chris: IT'S TIME FOR REDDITREDACTIONS.

REDDIT REDACTIONS.

A NEW WEBSITE, REDDIT COMMENTSEARCH DOT COM, ALLOWS USERS TO

SEARCH SPECIFIC WORDS OR PHRASESIN THEIR COMMENT HISTORY AND

DELETE THEM.

THAT'S GREAT, BECAUSE IF THEREIS ONE THING THAT PEOPLE WHO

POST COMMENTS ON THE INTERNETNEED, IT'S LESS ACCOUNTABILITY

FOR THEIR HATEFUL, MISSPELLEDRANTS.

SO COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVEME SOME KEYWORDS FROM YOUR

REDDIT COMMENTS THAT YOU WOULDWANT DELETED IN 60 SECONDS.

AND GO!

BRENDON.

>> MAN, ALL OF THESE COMMENTMAKE ME WANT TO KILL THE

PRESIDENT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RANDY.

>> INFILTRATING THE COMEDY SCENETO EVENTUALLY MURDER BRENDON

WALSH.

>> Chris: OKAY.

POINTS.

BRENDAN.

>> I KIND OF FANCY MYSELF THEWHITE BILL COSBY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, YOU WOULD WANT THATREMOVED.

EMILY.

>> ARE WHITE PEOPLE ALLOWED TOSAY "FLEEK."

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRENDAN.

>> ANYBODY ANYONE ELSE HEREHATE THE FBI?

>> Chris: POINTS.

EMILY.

>> GETTING NUTELLA OUT OF PUBES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RANDY.

>> DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE TOBUY A GUN? I THINK I AM FINALLY

GOING TO MURDER BRENDON WALSH.

>> Chris: POINTS.