Laugh at My Pain

  • 08/17/2011

Kevin Hart explores the humorous aspects of growing up with a drug-addicted father, his trip to Disneyland with Mekhi Phifer and the finer points of a dance battle.

[heartbeat thumping]

[applause]

>> WE'RE ROLLING.

>> ROLLING WHAT?

WHAT ARE WE--

WE'RE SHOOTING THIS?

DUDE, WE JUST SHOT THAT?

WHY WOULDN'T YOU SAY, "ACTION"?

LESLIE, TIM, ONE OF Y'ALL

GOT TO SAY, "ACTION."

I'M SITTING THERE

LOOKING STUPID.

THAT'S NOT THE LOOK

I'M GOING FOR.

COME ON, THIS IS THE START

OF MY MOVIE.

I'M TRYING TO GIVE OFF PAIN

AND LAUGHTER,

LAUGH AT MY PAIN.

LAUGHTER AND PAIN.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING FOR.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING

THIS SHOT.

JUST START THE MOVIE.

[heartbeat thumping]

THIS TOUR'S BEEN UNBELIEVABLE.

WE'RE 90 CITIES DEEP RIGHT NOW

AND EACH SHOW HAS BEEN A

SUCCESS.

WE'RE NOW IN OUR LAST CITY

OF LOS ANGELES.

LET'S END IT WITH A BANG.

I'M LOOKING AT 15,000

PEOPLE TONIGHT.

PUT SMILES ON THOSE PEOPLE'S

FACES.

GIVE EVERYBODY THE STRENGTH

AND ABILITY TO DO WHAT THEY

DO BEST, AND THAT'S MAKE

PEOPLE LAUGH.

EVERYBODY WANT TO BE FAMOUS!

>> [together] NOBODY WANT TO PUT

THE WORK IN.

>> EVERYBODY WANT TO BE FAMOUS!

>> [together] BUT NOBODY WANT

TO PUT THE WORK IN.

>> EVERYBODY WANT TO BE FAMOUS!

>> [together] NOBODY WANT TO PUT

THE WORK IN.

>> I'LL SAY IT ONE MORE TIME!

EVERYBODY WANT TO BE FAMOUS!

>> [together] BUT NOBODY WANT

TO PUT THE WORK IN.

>> LET'S GO, Y'ALL.

LET'S GO, Y'ALL.

[heartbeat thumping]

[faint cheering]

>> EVERYBODY STAND UP.

[hip-hop music]

[crowd roaring]

[hip-hop music]

>> ♪ I'M SO SICK, I'M SO ILL ♪

♪ GO AHEAD AND TELL YOUR MAMA

[crowd roaring]

[thumping hip-hop]

[cheering continues]

>> [speech drowned out]

[cheering continues]

>> CUT IT OUT.

CUT IT OUT!

WHOA!

GOD DAMN.

IT LOOK GOOD IN HERE.

I CAN'T EVEN FRONT.

Y'ALL LOOK GOOD.

GIVE Y'ALL SELVES ANOTHER ROUND

OF APPLAUSE, MAN.

Y'ALL LOOK [bleep] GOOD.

[cheering]

NOW, UH...

BEFORE WE GET STARTED,

I FEEL LIKE I GOT TO BE HONEST,

YOU KNOW.

I DON'T LIKE TO LIE

WHILE I'M UP HERE ON STAGE.

COMING OUT TO THE BIG APPLAUSE,

Y'ALL STANDING UP,

A PIECE OF ME LIKES IT.

A SMALL PIECE OF ME LIKES IT.

ANOTHER PIECE OF ME DOESN'T.

I'MA TELL YOU WHY, OKAY?

HERE'S THE THING.

I FEEL LIKE THAT'S THE TYPE OF

SHIT THAT MAKE PEOPLE GO CRAZY.

THAT'S HOW YOU LOSE YOUR MIND.

YOU COME OUT, PEOPLE STANDING

UP, GIRLS CALLING YOUR NAME.

"OH, MY GOD, NO!

KEVIN, OH, MY GOODNESS!

NOOO!"

I DON'T LIKE THAT SHIT.

I'M AFRAID TO GO CRAZY, MAN.

THAT'S WHY I HUMBLE MYSELF.

I STAY IN MY LANE, PEOPLE.

I STAY IN MY FINANCIAL LANE.

NOW, LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT I MEAN

WHEN I SAY THIS, OKAY?

HERE'S WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY,

"FINANCIAL LANE."

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.

YOU START TO MAKE MONEY.

WHEN YOU MAKE MONEY, YOU MEET

OTHER PEOPLE THAT MAKE MONEY.

WHEN YOU MEET OTHER PEOPLE

THAT MAKE MONEY, YOU WANT

HANG OUT WITH THESE PEOPLE.

BUT NATURALLY, YOU WANT TO SPEND

MONEY THE WAY THAT THEY SPEND

MONEY, BUT THEN YOU REALIZE

THAT YOU DON'T MAKE THE SAME

TYPE OF MONEY AS THESE

[bleep] PEOPLE MAKE, OKAY?

IT'S VERY TRUE.

THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO STAY

IN YOUR LANE, ALL RIGHT?

CERTAIN PEOPLE, I DON'T HANG

OUT WITH.

ATHLETES.

I DON'T HANG OUT WITH ATHLETES.

I USED TO.

I STOPPED.

LET ME TELL YOU WHY I STOPPED.

ATHLETES DON'T RESPECT MONEY.

HOW DO I KNOW THIS?

FROM EXPERIENCES.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I'M IN VEGAS WITH AN ATHLETE

FRIEND OF MINE.

KEEP IN MIND, HE'S DOING A LOT

BETTER THAN ME IN LIFE, OKAY?

NATURALLY, I WANT TO KEEP UP

WITH HIM, SO BEFORE WE GO OUT,

HE SAID, "KEV, DON'T WORRY

ABOUT NOTHING.

I GOT YOU.

EVERYTHING IS ON ME."

I SAID, "HEY, BITCH, I'M A MAN.

I PAY FOR MY [bleep] SELF,

OKAY?"

SO WE GO OUT, HE GET A TABLE,

I GOT A TABLE.

HE GOT BOTTLES, I GOT BOTTLES.

HE HAD BITCHES COME

TO THE TABLE.

I DIDN'T HAVE NO BITCHES.

I HAD MY AUNT.

MY AUNT WAS WITH ME.

I'M NOT GONNA CALL MY AUNT

NO BITCH.

I LOVE HER TOO MUCH.

BUT REGARDLESS, WE'RE HAVING

A GOOD TIME, OKAY?

NOW, I'M NOT GONNA LIE.

I GOT THE BILL.

I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

UH, YOU EVER--

YOU EVER GET A BILL SO HIGH,

YOU TRY TO PUT IT IN THE LIGHT

LIKE IT'S GONNA CHANGE?

HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE.

HOLD ON, OKAY.

BUT I CAN'T BITCH

ABOUT THE BILL.

REASON WHY I CAN'T BITCH

ABOUT THE BILL, 'CAUSE HE DIDN'T

BITCH ABOUT THE BILL.

SO I START TALKING TO MYSELF.

I SAID, "KEV, JUST PAY THE

BILL; PAY IT!"

SO THAT'S WHAT I DID.

I PAID THE BILL.

I GO TO MY ROOM.

I GO TO SLEEP.

HERE'S WHY I DON'T MESS

WITH ATHLETES.

NEXT MORNING I WAKE UP,

MY BOY THAT I WAS WITH,

HE CALLED ME.

HE SAID, "KEV, YO, LAST NIGHT

WAS CRAZY, WASN'T IT?"

I SAID, "MAN, I HAD A BALL."

HE SAID, "WELL, GUESS WHAT?

WE GONNA DO THE SAME SHIT

AGAIN TONIGHT."

I SAY, "I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.

I CAN'T DO IT

TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW,

BECAUSE THE WAY THAT MY BANK

ACCOUNT IS SET UP--"

YOU EVER--

YOU EVER START EXPLAINING

YOUR FINANCIAL SITUATION

FOR NO REASON AT ALL?

I SAID, "I WOULD, BUT THE WAY

MY BANK ACCOUNT IS SET UP,

THE THING IS, I GOT A CHECKING

AND A SAVINGS, BUT ALL THE MONEY

IS IN MY SAVINGS, SO I GOT TO

SWITCH IT TO MY CHECKING,

BUT IT'S GONNA TAKE

THREE BUSINESS DAYS.

I DON'T--I DON'T THINK

IT'S GONNA GO THROUGH.

I DON'T THINK IT'S GONNA

GO THROUGH."

ATHLETES WILL MESS YOUR LIFE UP,

MAN.

THEY WILL.

I'M TELLING YOU, I KNOW THIS

FROM EXPERIENCE, OKAY?

DWYANE WADE, THAT'S A GOOD

FRIEND OF MINE.

I LOVE DWYANE TO DEATH.

HERE'S THE THING, I CAN'T HANG

OUT WITH DWYANE NO MORE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

DWYANE TRIED TO [bleep]

MY LIFE UP.

HE DID.

DWYANE TRIED TO MAKE ME BUY

A BOAT.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE

A [bleep] HOUSE.

I SAID, "HEY, MAN..."

I SAID, "I DON'T THINK THIS

IS A GOOD INVESTMENT."

HE SAID, "STOP BEING A BITCH.

YOU GOT IT; BALL OUT."

I SAID, "NO, NO, NO, I WOULD,

BUT HERE'S THE THING.

THE WAY MY BANK ACCOUNT IS SET

UP, THE THING IS, I GOT

A CHECKING AND A SAVINGS,

BUT ALL THE MONEY IS IN MY

SAVINGS, SO I GOT TO SWITCH IT.

IT'S GONNA TAKE TOO LONG.

THE BOAT MIGHT NOT BE THERE

WHEN I GET BACK."

YOU CAN'T HANG OUT WITH

EVERYBODY.

I'LL BE HONEST, ANOTHER PROBLEM

OF MINE, I GOT TOO MANY

FINANCIAL FEARS.

I GET SCARED FAST.

I TELL YOU MY BIGGEST FEAR

WHEN IT COMES TO FINANCES.

MY BIGGEST FEAR IS MY CREDIT

CARD GETTING DECLINED

IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

I'MA TELL YOU WHY.

HERE'S THE THING.

IT'S NOT THAT I'M SCARED OF MY

CARD GETTING DECLINED.

I JUST DON'T LIKE IT

WHEN YOU ANNOUNCE IT.

LIKE, BITCH, TELL ME.

IT'S MY CARD.

DON'T--DON'T PUT ON A SHOW.

DON'T COME OUT LIKE, "MR. HART,

UH-UH, DIDN'T GO THROUGH.

I TRIED IT THREE TIMES.

I EVEN WIPED IT ON MY PANTS."

BITCH, GIVE ME THE CARD.

DON'T SAY ALL THAT.

THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU

TRIED TO DO TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

GIVE ME THE GOD DAMNED CARD

BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE

[bleep] THROAT, LADY.

I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS.

THAT'S TOO MUCH.

TOO MUCH.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME I GOT SCARED

'CAUSE I THOUGHT MY CARD WASN'T

GONNA GO THROUGH, SO I CUT THE

WAITRESS OFF BEFORE SHE EVEN

SAID ANYTHING.

"MR. HART--"

"AHH!

COME HERE, LET ME TALK TO YOU.

NO, COME ON THIS SIDE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

LISTEN, THE WAY MY BANK ACCOUNT

IS SET UP, THE THING IS,

I GOT A CHECKING AND A SAVINGS,

BUT ALL MY MONEY IS IN MY

SAVINGS, SO I DON'T THINK IT'S

GONNA GO THROUGH.

JUST GIVE ME A SECOND."

>> YOU CAN'T HANG WITH

EVERYBODY, MAN.

LIKE, RIGHT NOW, WE STAR-STUDDED

TONIGHT, CELEBRITIES

ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I DON'T [bleep] WITH Y'ALL

NO MORE.

I USED TO; I STOPPED.

I DON'T HANG WITH CELEBRITIES

NO MORE.

I'MA BE HONEST WITH YOU.

CELEBRITIES WILL MESS UP YOUR

LIFE TOO.

CELEBRITIES GIVE YOU

REALITY CHECKS.

HOW DO I KNOW THIS?

FROM EXPERIENCE, PEOPLE.

MEKHI PHIFER, ANOTHER GOOD

FRIEND OF MINE.

LOVE MEKHI TO DEATH, OKAY?

THIS IS WHEN I KNEW I WASN'T

MAKING REAL MONEY.

MEKHI CALLS ME, HE SAYS,

"YO, KEV, HEY, MY SON'S BIRTHDAY

PARTY IS SATURDAY.

YOUR DAUGHTER IS THE SAME AGE.

I WANT YOU TO COME

TO THE PARTY."

I SAID, "OKAY, WHERE'S

THE PARTY AT?"

"IT'S AT DISNEYLAND."

I SAID, "DONE DEAL; I'M THERE."

I GET TO DISNEYLAND.

HIM AND HIS SON ARE OUT FRONT.

THEY HOLDING HANDS.

I DON'T SEE NOBODY ELSE

AT THE PARK.

[laughter]

I SAID, "HEY, UH...

I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT IT WAS,

YOU KNOW, IT WAS

A BIRTHDAY PARTY.

I DON'T SEE NOBODY ELSE

AT THE PARK.

WHAT'S GOING ON?"

HE SAID, "NO, NO, DUDE."

HE SAID, "HERE'S THE THING.

IT'S JUST US.

I BOUGHT THE PARK OUT

FOR, LIKE, EIGHT HOURS.

WE GOT IT TO OURSELVES."

[laughter]

I SAID, "WAIT A MINUTE.

OKAY, WHAT THE [bleep] YOU MEAN

YOU BOUGHT THE PARK OUT

FOR EIGHT HOURS?"

HE SAID, "IT'S JUST US.

WE CAN DO WHAT WE WANT."

I SAID, "OKAY, UH...

REAL QUICK, BEFORE I GO IN,

DID YOU PAY FOR THIS ALREADY,

OR ARE YOU LOOKING FOR HELP?

'CAUSE I'M NOT--

I'M NOT IN A POSITION WHERE

I CAN HELP YOU, BECAUSE THE WAY

THAT MY BANK ACCOUNT IS SET UP,

THE THING IS, I GOT A CHECKING

AND A SAVINGS, BUT ALL MY MONEY

IS IN THE SAVINGS.

I DON'T THINK MY CARD IS GONNA

GO THROUGH, UNLESS YOU GOT JEANS

ON, 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO

WIPE IT OFF."

YOU CAN'T HANG WITH

EVERYBODY, MAN.

STAY IN YOUR LANE.

STAY IN YOUR FINANCIAL LANE.

NOW, I'M NOT GONNA LIE.

WE WENT IN THE PARK.

I AIN'T GONNA LIE.

ME AND MY DAUGHTER,

WE HAD A GREAT TIME.

WE'RE GOING ON RIDES FIVE OR SIX

TIMES IN A ROW.

NOW, THERE WAS A POINT IN TIME

WHEN WE WAS IN THE PARK

WHERE I LOST MY DAUGHTER.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE SHE WAS.

BUT I DIDN'T PANIC

WHEN I LOST HER.

THE REASON WHY IS BECAUSE WE

WERE THE ONLY ONES IN THE PARK.

I KNEW EVENTUALLY I WOULD RUN

INTO HER AGAIN.

SO I TOOK THAT TIME TO GET ON

RIDES THAT SHE COULDN'T GET ON,

'CAUSE SHE'S ONLY FIVE,

SO SHE CAN'T DO EVERYTHING.

WHEN I SAW HER, SHE WAS CRYING.

I WAS LIKE, "COME ON,

DON'T BE A BITCH.

LIKE, DON'T ACT LIKE THAT."

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

I SAID THAT.

"IT'S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY.

TODAY'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

STOP BITCHING.

LET'S GET ON SOME MORE RIDES.

LET'S GO."

WE GOT ON SOME MORE RIDES.

WE HAD A GOOD TIME.

WE LEFT.

I SAID, "BABY, DID YOU HAVE

A GOOD TIME?"

SHE SAID, "DAD, I HAD

SO MUCH FUN."

I SAID, "GOOD, I HAD FUN TOO."

NOW, HERE'S WHEN REALITY HIT.

LET'S FAST-FORWARD

THREE MONTHS LATER.

THREE MONTHS LATER

IS MY DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY, OKAY?

I THROW MY DAUGHTER A PARTY

AT THE HOUSE IN THE BACKYARD

LIKE A NORMAL [bleep] PARENT,

OKAY?

BUT DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I TRIED TO GO ABOVE AND BEYOND.

I REALLY DID.

I HAD SPONGEBOB THERE,

WHICH IS A BIG DEAL.

I HAD A PONY.

KIDS COULD GET ON THE PONY,

WALK AROUND THE YARD ONE TIME,

AND GET OFF.

I HAD A BOUNCER.

KIDS GET IN THE BOUNCER,

JUMP AROUND.

LIKE, SHIT WAS NICE.

IT WAS GOING GOOD.

HERE'S WHEN IT GOT BAD.

ME AND SPONGEBOB GOT INTO IT.

I GOT MAD AT SPONGEBOB 'CAUSE HE

KEPT TAKING HIS HELMET OFF

AND HE WAS SMOKING CIGARETTES

IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.

AND I WAS LIKE, "SPONGEBOB,

YOU KNOW, DON'T TAKE YOUR HELMET

OFF, DON'T SMOKE NO CIGARETTES

IN FRONT OF THE [bleep] KIDS,

OKAY?

MY KIDS THINK THAT YOU'RE

REALLY SPONGEBOB.

SPONGEBOB ON TV DON'T TAKE HIS

FACE OFF AND SHOW A BLACK-ASS

FACE UNDERNEATH IT AND START

SMOKING [bleep] CIGARETTES,

SO WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK

YOU CAN?"

NOW, WHEN I GET MAD,

I GET PHYSICAL.

I GET HYPE.

SO I SAID, "PUT THE [bleep]

HELMET ON AND PUT THE GOD DAMN

CIGARETTES OUT, MAN.

YOU DON'T BE SMOKIN' NO

CIGARETTES OUT HERE IN FRONT

THE [bleep] KIDS.

PUT THE GOD DAMNED HELMET ON

AND PUT THE [bleep] CIGARETTES

OUT BEFORE SHIT GET REAL

OUT HERE."

I WAS GOING OFF.

SHIT WAS REAL.

HERE'S THE THING THAT

MADE IT BAD.

NOBODY TOLD ME THAT SPONGEBOB

WAS FRESH OUT.

THIS [bleep] WAS FRESH

OUT OF JAIL.

HERE'S HOW I FOUND OUT.

HE SNAPPED ON ME.

HE SAID, "HEY, MAN,

SHUT THE [bleep] UP!

[bleep] YOU AND THESE

UGLY-ASS KIDS!"

I SAID, "WELL, GOD DAMN."

HE SAID, "I JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL

FOR AGGRAVATED ASSAULT.

I'M HERE TO GET A CHECK.

ONCE I GET MY CHECK, I'M OUT.

I DON'T GIVE A [bleep]

ABOUT THESE KIDS."

I'M SUCH A BITCH, WHEN I HEARD

"JAIL," MY WHOLE ATTITUDE

CHANGED.

AS SOON AS I HEARD "JAIL,"

THIS IS WHAT I SAID.

I SAID, "NO, YOU'RE NOT

LISTENING.

NO, I DON'T--

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU CAN'T

SMOKE.

YOU CAN SMOKE.

I'M SAYING JUST DON'T BLOW IT

IN THEY FACE.

THAT'S--

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

BLOW IT UP.

GIVE THEM A CHANCE

TO NOT HAVE CANCER,

IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

I GET IT.

YOU STRESSED OUT.

YOU WANT TO SMOKE.

SHIT, GIVE ME ONE.

I'LL SMOKE IT WITH YOU.

I DON'T GIVE A [bleep]

ABOUT THESE KIDS."

I WAS SO SCARED OF SPONGEBOB.

YOU KNOW WHY?

HERE'S THE THING.

I DIDN'T LIKE--

I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY SPONGEBOB

WAS PLAYING WITH THE KIDS.

UNDERSTAND SOMETHING, PEOPLE.

IF YOU GET A CHARACTER TO BE

AT A KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY,

YOU WANT TO SEE THAT CHARACTER

BE THAT CHARACTER, OKAY?

IF I GET BARNEY TO BE AT MY

KID'S PARTY, I WANT TO SEE

BARNEY DO SOME BARNEY SHIT.

SLIDE AROUND, YOU KNOW?

HUG THE KIDS.

SING A SONG.

DO THE FACES.

MAKE IT LOOK REAL.

IF I GET SPIDER-MAN,

DO SOME SPIDER-MAN SHIT.

JUMP DOWN THE STEPS.

DO THIS SHIT IN MY SON'S FACE.

DON'T NOTHING GOT TO COME OUT.

JUST SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

MAKE HIM THINK IT'S REAL.

SPONGEBOB DIDN'T DO SHIT.

LET ME--LET ME SHOW YOU HOW

SPONGEBOB WAS PLAYING

WITH THE KIDS.

I LOOK OUT THE BACKYARD WINDOW.

I JUST WANT TO CHECK ON THE

KIDS, RIGHT, AND MAKE SURE

EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

I SWEAR TO YOU--I CANNOT MAKE

THIS UP--THIS IS HOW SPONGEBOB

WAS RUNNING AFTER THE KIDS.

THIS IS ALL I SAW.

"AAHHHH!

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

GO, LITTLE BITCH.

GO, LITTLE BITCH, GO.

AH-HA-HA!

GO--HEY, BITCH.

YOU BETTER--BITCH, RUN."

HE WAS CALLING THE KIDS BITCHES.

COME ON, SPONGEBOB.

HE WASN'T PLAYING NONE OF THE

GAMES RIGHT.

HE WAS PLAYING "DUCK, DUCK,

[bleep]" WITH THE KIDS.

HE NEVER SAID, "GOOSE."

HE NEVER SAID THE WORD "GOOSE."

"DUCK, DUCK, DUCK...

[bleep], GO!"

THE LITTLE WHITE BOY WAS LIKE,

"NO, NO, I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.

I'M NOT GONNA RUN.

NO, NO, 'CAUSE IF I RUN,

EVERYBODY'S GONNA LOOK AT ME

LIKE I SAID IT,

AND I DIDN'T SAY IT.

I DON'T--

I'M NOT GONNA TAKE

RESPONSIBILITY.

NO, I DIDN'T SAY IT."

THAT PARTY WAS BAD.

I'MA TELL YOU WHAT ELSE WAS BAD

AT THE PARTY--THE BOUNCER.

I DON'T RECOMMEND ANYBODY EVER

GET A BOUNCER

AT A KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

I'MA TELL YOU WHY.

ME, PERSONALLY, I DON'T THINK

IT'S SAFE.

I REALLY DON'T.

REASON WHY--HERE'S WHY I DON'T

THINK IT'S SAFE.

IF A KID FALLS IN THE BOUNCER,

NO OTHER KID GIVES A SHIT.

LIKE, NOTHING STOPS.

KIDS DON'T CARE.

LIKE, LITERALLY, THIS LITTLE

GIRL FELL IN THE BOUNCER.

I SWEAR TO Y'ALL, I SAW EVERY

BOY IN THERE STEP ON THIS

GIRL'S FACE, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,

WHEN KIDS BE HYPE ON THAT CAKE,

THEY'RE LIKE, "AH, AH, AH."

THIS LITTLE BOY WAS LIKE,

"AH-AH-AH-AH!"

THE LITTLE GIRL STARTED CRYING.

SHE WAS LIKE, "NO!

AHH!"

BUT SHE WAS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME.

I SAID, "YOU BETTER ROLL OUT.

ROLL OUT!

I'M THE SAME SIZE AS YOU.

I'M NOT GETTING IN THERE.

I'M GONNA GET EXACTLY

WHAT YOU GOT.

I GOT LITTLE LEGS.

I CAN'T WALK IN THAT SHIT."

YOU EVER TRY TO WALK

IN A BOUNCER?

"HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

Y'ALL BETTER STO--HEY!

LET A [bleep] AGAIN,

I SWEAR TO GOD.

IF I FALL, I'M GONNA PUNCH A KID

IN THE FACE."

LOOK LIKE

BAMBI WALKING IN THAT SHIT.

>> I'MA TELL YOU SOMETHING

ABOUT ME, THOUGH.

HERE'S WHY I PUT MYSELF

IN THESE SITUATIONS, OKAY?

I TRY TO GO ABOVE AND BEYOND

FOR MY KIDS.

THE REASON WHY, I DON'T WANT TO

MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES

THAT MY DAD MADE.

MY DAD DID A LOT OF DUMB SHIT

WHEN I WAS A KID.

REASON WHY, MY DAD WAS ON DRUGS.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM

WITH BEING HONEST.

IT'S THE TRUTH.

NOW, WHEN I SAY, "DRUGS,"

PEOPLE, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT

THE SOFT STUFF.

I'M TALKING ABOUT COCAINE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SMACK, BOOGER SUGAR, WHITE GIRL.

I GOT TONS OF NAMES FOR IT.

NOW, WHEN YOU FIRST HEAR IT,

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT?

YOUR DAD WAS ON DRUGS?

THAT'S CRAZY."

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

I'MA TELL YOU WHY.

THERE'S PROS AND CONS TO GROWING

UP WITH A COKEHEAD.

ONE OF THE PROS IS, THERE'S NO

SUCH THING AS A BAD IDEA

TO A COKEHEAD.

EVERYTHING IS THE SHIT.

THAT'S WHY COKEHEADS

ALWAYS DANCE.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY

TO A COKEHEAD...

ALL COKEHEADS HULA HOOP.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

NOW, ONE OF THE CONS--

ONE OF THE CONS IS, WHEN YOU GET

HIGH, YOU DO DUMB SHIT.

I'MA TELL YOU WHY I'M AFRAID

OF DOGS, ALL RIGHT?

MY DAD--WHEN I WAS A KID,

JUST LIKE MY DAUGHTER,

I WANTED A PUPPY.

MY DAD NEVER GOT ME A PUPPY.

ONE DAY MY DAD GOT HIGH AS SHIT,

HE CAME HOME, HE SAID,

"LOOK, BOY, YOU'VE BEEN ASKING

ME ABOUT THIS DAMN PUPPY.

I WENT OUT, I BOUGHT YOU

A PUPPY."

I'M A KID, SO I'M EXCITED.

I WAS LIKE, "WHERE'S IT AT?"

HE SAID, "IT'S ON THE PORCH."

I GO RUN OUT ON THE PORCH.

IT WAS A FULL-GROWN

GERMAN SHEPHERD WALKING

BACK AND FORTH.

THIS [bleep] STOLE

A POLICE DOG, OKAY?

I KNOW IT WAS A POLICE DOG,

'CAUSE HE HAD "K-9" ON HIS VEST.

I SAW IT.

AT LEAST TAKE THE VEST

OFF THE DOG, DAD.

THE DOG IS STILL

ON GOD DAMN DUTY.

HE DIDN'T EVEN LET THE DOG

FINISH THE JOB.

DRUGS MAKE YOU DO DUMB SHIT,

MAN.

STUPIDEST THING MY DAD EVER DID

WHEN HE WAS ON DRUGS, RIGHT,

WHEN I WAS A KID, I REMEMBER

MY DAD CAME TO

PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE.

THAT'S WHEN YOU GO TO YOUR

KID'S SCHOOL, TALK TO YOUR

TEACHERS, SEE HOW THEY'RE

DOING IN SCHOOL.

MY DAD SHOWS UP WITH SWEATPANTS

ON WITH NO DRAWERS.

[bleep] DICK WAS ALL OVER

THE PLACE, OKAY?

LISTEN, I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP.

LET ME SHOW Y'ALL HOW MY DAD

WALKED INTO MY SCHOOL.

THIS IS ALL I SAW.

"HEY!

KEVIN!

HEY!

[laughter]

KEV!"

EVERY TIME HE STOPS,

HIS DICK KEPT MOVING.

"EXCUSE ME!"

I COULD HEAR LITTLE GIRLS LIKE,

"EWWW!

EWWW!"

MY DAD GOT MAD.

"WHAT THE [bleep]

IS YOU ILLIN' ABOUT?

YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN NOBODY

WITH A LONG DICK?"

"HEY, DAD, DON'T--

DON'T SAY THAT."

"YOU GONNA LEARN TODAY.

YOU GONNA LEARN WHAT A LONG DICK

LOOK LIKE TODAY."

"NO, DAD, SHE DON'T NEED

TO LEARN THAT.

PLEASE."

YOU KNOW, MY DAD WAS CRAZY.

MY DAD WAS REALLY CRAZY, MAN.

SEE, MY DAD WAS MAD AT ME

'CAUSE I WASN'T AN ATHLETE.

I DIDN'T PLAY SPORTS.

I WAS INTO WEIRD SHIT LIKE

SPELLING BEES, DEBATES.

NOW, HERE'S THE THING.

MY DAD WOULD SHOW UP AT MY

EVENTS AND TREAT THEM AS IF

THEY WERE ATHLETIC EVENTS.

FIRST OF ALL, YOU CAN'T CHEER

FOR NO KID AT A SPELLING BEE.

IT'S A SPELLING BEE.

IT'S QUIET.

I'M FOCUSED.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SPELLING

A VERY DIFFICULT WORD.

MY DAD SHOWS UP LATE,

BUSTS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR,

HIGH AS HELL,

MAKING COKEHEAD NOISES,

ALL RIGHT?

ONCE AGAIN, I CANNOT MAKE

THIS UP, ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS ALL I HEARD.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE

OF SPELLING SOME SHIT.

OUT OF NOWHERE, ALL I HEARD WAS,

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

ALL RI-IGHT!

YEAAAH!

MY SON'S SPELLING THE SHIT

OUT THESE MOTHER-[bleep] WORDS!

IN YO FACE, BITCH!

IN YO FACE!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

ALL RI-IGHT!"

SHIT THAT MADE ME LAUGH THE

MOST--YOU SEE YOU ALL

SITTING NEXT TO PEOPLE?

I TOLD YOU, MY DAD NEVER WORE

DRAWERS, EVER.

THIS IS MY DAD GETTING

TO HIS SEAT.

THIS IS ALL I SAW.

"EXCUSE ME."

[several thuds]

I CAN HEAR PEOPLE LIKE,

"OH, GOD, JESUS, OH."

"WHAT IS IT?"

"I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S LOOSE.

IT'S ALL OVER THE PLACE.

IT'S GOT TO BE A PENIS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE

IT COULD BE."

MY DAD GOT MAD.

"THAT AIN'T NO PENIS.

THAT'S A LONG DICK!"

"HEY, DAD, DON'T SAY THAT."

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

ALL RI-IGHT!

YOU GONNA LEARN TODAY.

YOU GONNA LEARN WHAT A LONG DICK

LOOK LIKE TODAY.

HEY, SON, LET ME HEAR YOU SPELL

'LONG DICK.'"

"NO, DAD, I CAN'T.

IT'S AGAINST THE RULES."

"L-O-DICK!"

"NO, DAD--"

>> "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

ALL RI-IGHT!"

[bleep] HAS HIS DOG WITH HIM.

[barking]

"NO, DAD--"

THE DOG IS ON DRUGS TOO.

"DAD, PLEASE..."

MY GOAL AT THE END OF THE SHOW

IS TO HAVE ALL Y'ALL SAYING

THAT SHIT FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

NEXT TIME YOUR LADY SAY

SOMETHING TO YOU,

JUST CUT HER OFF.

IT DON'T MATTER WHAT

SHE'S SAYING.

"HEY, BABY--"

"SHUT UP, BITCH!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

ALL RI-IGHT!

MAKE YOU [bleep] ON THIS

LONG [bleep].

YOU GONNA LEARN TODAY.

YOU GONNA LEARN TODAY.

ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT, ALL RI-IGHT!"

>> MY DAD DID A LOT OF STUPID

SHIT, MAN.

SEE, HERE'S THE THING.

I'M SO HAPPY THAT I WAS YOUNG

WHEN MY DAD WAS ON DRUGS.

THE REASON WHY I SAY THAT,

BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG,

YOU'RE NAIVE.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT.

EVERYBODY ELSE KNEW MY DAD WAS

ON DRUGS EXCEPT ME.

I DIDN'T NEVER WANT

TO [bleep] BELIEVE IT.

PEOPLE WOULD TEASE ME.

I WOULD JUST GET EMOTIONAL.

I WOULD GET MAD FAST.

PERSON THAT TEASED ME THE MOST

WAS MY OWN BROTHER.

HE WOULD ALWAYS TALK SHIT.

"KEV, DAD AIN'T NEVER COMING

HOME, 'CAUSE DAD IS ON THAT

SHIT, MAN!"

"YOU BETTER SHUT UP.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

TALKING ABOUT.

DAD WENT BACK TO COLLEGE.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE IS.

HE'S IN COLLEGE."

MY MESSAGE TO Y'ALL IS,

DON'T IGNORE THE SIGNS, OKAY?

IF YOU THINK SOMEBODY IN YOUR

FAMILY IS ON DRUGS,

DO NOT IGNORE THE SIGNS.

DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE

I DID.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS SHIT.

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.

MY GRANDMA GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY

CARD.

I OPENED IT UP.

$20 FELL OUT.

WHEN THE $20 FELL OUT,

MY DAD STEPPED ON IT.

"MM."

[laughter]

I WAITED FOR THE JOKE

TO BE OVER.

THIS [bleep] GONNA SLIDE OUT.

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT--"

"HEY, GIVE ME THE GOD DAMN

$20, DAD.

I SAW YOU STEP ON THE SHIT."

THAT'S MY DAD, THOUGH.

PERSON THAT HAD NO PATIENCE

FOR THIS WAS MY MOM.

MY MOM HAD NO PATIENCE AT ALL.

MY MOM FOUND OUT MY DAD WAS ON

DRUGS, SHE GOT MAD,

SNAPPED ON HIM, WENT OFF.

MY DAD CAME HOME,

SHE KICKED MY DAD OUT THE HOUSE.

SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S IT!

I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT!

YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIVE IN MY

HOUSE AND BE ON NO DAMN DRUGS.

YOU HEAR ME?

THAT'S IT.

YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE.

DON'T COME BACK TO THIS HOUSE.

YOU CAN COME BY.

YOU CAN HI TO THE KIDS.

BUT DON'T BRING YOUR ASS

PAST THE SECOND STEP

ON THE STOOP.

YOU HEAR ME?

DON'T COME PAST THE SECOND

GOD DAMN STEP ON THE STOOP."

MY MOM TURNED MY DAD INTO

THE DEFINITION OF A TRUE

"STEP" DAD.

LIKE...

WHEN I SAY MY DAD CANNOT COME

PAST THE SECOND STEP,

I'M NOT BULLSHITTING.

BUT WHAT MADE ME LAUGH IS,

HE WOULD STILL BE TOUGH

ABOUT IT.

HE'LL COME GET US

BUT HE'LL TALK SHIT.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, NANCE,

TELL THE BOYS I'M HERE.

TELL 'EM TO COME OUTSIDE."

MY MOM GOT MAD.

SHE WAS LIKE, "DON'T YOU BRING

YOUR ASS PAST THE SECOND STEP."

"BITCH, AIN'T NOBODY COME PAST

THE GOD DAMN SECOND STEP!"

SHIT THAT MAKE ME LAUGH,

NO MATTER HOW MAD HE GOT,

HIS LEGS NEVER MOVED.

"BITCH, AIN'T NOBODY COME PAST

THE GOD DAMN SECOND STEP,

BITCH!"

[bleep] DID THE HULA HOOP

FOR NO REASON.

"DAD, WHY YOU HULA HOOPING?

THAT'S TOO MUCH, DAD.

THAT'S TOO MUCH."

THAT'S MY DAD, THOUGH.

MY DAD ALMOST KILLED ME

ON TIME.

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

I COULDN'T SWIM.

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW.

MY DAD DIDN'T BELIEVE ME.

[bleep] ARGUED ME DOWN.

WE HAD A POOL.

I'M SITTING ON THE SIDE

OF THE POOL.

I GOT MY FEET IN THE WATER.

"MM-MM-MM, MM-MM-MM."

I'M PLAYING, HAVING A GOOD TIME.

MY DAD SAID, "BOY, YOU BETTER

STOP PLAYING.

GET IN THAT WATER AND SWIM."

I SAID, "DAD, I CAN'T.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM."

HE SAID, "YOU KNOW HOW

TO [bleep] SWIM.

GET IN THAT GOD DAMN WATER

AND SWIM."

I SAID, "NO, DAD, I'M SERIOUS.

NOBODY EVER TAUGHT ME

HOW TO SWIM."

MY DAD PICKED ME UP,

GRABBED ME, THREW ME

IN SEVEN FEET.

AS SOON AS I HIT THE WATER,

I STARTED TO DIE IMMEDIATELY.

"HOO!

HOOO!

WHOOOO!"

THIS IS WHY MY DAD'S

AN ASSHOLE.

THIS IS WHAT MY DAD SAID.

"HEY!

YOU BETTER NOT [bleep] DROWN."

I SAID, "WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT.

I DON'T--"

WHEN I TELL YOU THAT WAS THE

MOST UNCOMFORTABLE RIDE HOME

I'VE EVER HAD WITH MY DAD

IN MY LIFE, KEEP IN MIND,

I ALMOST DIED.

WHENEVER YOU COME CLOSE

TO DEATH, YOU BECOME

TRAUMATIZED.

HARD TO GET THAT SHIT

OUT YOUR HEAD.

I KEPT HAVING FLASHBACKS.

WE IN THE CAR.

WE DRIVING HOME.

I'M LOOKING OUT

THE PASSENGER WINDOW.

I KEPT REPLAYING THAT SHIT

OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

I WAS LIKE, "NO...

NOO!

NO, DON'T LET ME GO, DAD.

DON'T LET ME GO."

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

I WOULD LOOK AT HIM.

"WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME.

I TOLD YOU I COULDN'T--

I DON'T KNOW WHY."

DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY DAD

SAID TO ME.

THIS IS HOW MY DAD TRIED TO MAKE

ME FEEL BETTER.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.

LOOK.

DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.

HE WAS DRIVING, RIGHT?

HE SAID...

[laughter]

"I ALMOST LOST YOU TODAY,

DIDN'T I?"

WHAT?

WHAT THE [bleep] DOES THAT MEAN,

MAN?

THAT'S MY DAD, THOUGH.

AND I KNOW WHEN YOU GUYS HEAR

ALL THE STUFF YOU HEAR, YOU GUYS

ARE LIKE, "WOW, KEVIN,

THAT'S MESSED UP.

IT PROBABLY DOESN'T GET

ANY WORSE THAN THAT."

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.

IT DOES.

UH...

LET ME TELL YOU THE WORST PERSON

IN MY FAMILY.

THE WORST PERSON IN MY FAMILY

IS MY COUSIN AL.

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

MY COUSIN AL WAS ON DRUGS TOO.

BUT, UNLIKE MY DAD, AL FOUND

JESUS.

SEE, BUT AL'S ONE OF THOSE

PEOPLE THAT FOUND JESUS,

AND NOW THAT HE FOUND JESUS,

HE TRIES TO THROW JESUS

ON EVERYBODY.

YOU EVER SOMEBODY LIKE THAT?

FOR NO REASON AT ALL,

THEY THROW RELIGION AT YOU?

YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE

THIS CONVERSATION.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY,

THEY BRING UP RELIGION.

"HEY, GOOD MORNING, AL."

"UH, IT IS A GOOD MORNING,

'CAUSE JESUS WOKE US UP.

HELLO!

BOOM!

I LOVE HIM.

DO YOU?"

"WHAT?

WHAT THE [bleep] DOES THAT HAVE

TO DO WITH ANYTHING, MAN?

I'M TRYING TO PLAY BASKETBALL.

THIS AIN'T GOT SHIT TO DO

WITH NOTHING."

AL--AL GOT MAD AT ME

'CAUSE I LIVE IN L.A.

HE'S LIKE, "KEVIN, YOU OUT HERE

IN HOLLYWOOD

DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT--

SEX, DRUGS, MONEY!

LORD KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE INTO.

YOU NEED TO GET

A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD."

I SAID, "DON'T TALK TO ME

ABOUT GOD; I'M FINE, OKAY?"

YOU THE ONE THAT WAS ON DRUGS.

YOU GET A RELATIONSHIP

WITH GOD."

HE GOT MAD.

NOW, ANYTIME HE GET MAD,

HE'S ALWAYS GOT TO BRING UP SOME

DARK SHIT FROM HIS PAST

THAT NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW.

OUT OF NOWHERE, HE SAYS,

"KEVIN, LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING.

I KNOW I WAS ON DRUGS,

BUT I FOUND JESUS.

GRANTED, I DIDN'T KNOW HIM WHEN

I WAS OUT THERE [bleep]

FOR MONEY, BUT I'LL

TELL YOU SOMETHING--"

I SAID, "WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT--WAIT A MINUTE.

HOLD--WAIT--FIRST OF ALL,

YOU'RE NOT GONNA SPEED PAST THAT

LIKE YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY

WHAT YOU JUST SAID."

I SAID, "WHEN WAS THIS?

WHAT YEAR WAS THIS?"

HE SAID, "IT WAS IN THE '80s.

EVERYBODY WAS DOING IT."

THIS IS THE SHIT THAT

PISSED ME OFF.

HE SAID, "YOUR DAD WAS BACK

THERE WITH ME."

I SAID, "WHAT?"

MY DAD WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT, ALL RI-IGHT!

HEY, YOU GONNA LEARN TODAY."

"UH, NO, THE [bleep], I'M NOT.

YOU'RE GONNA KEEP THAT LESSON

TO YOURSELF."

I TOLD MY DAD TO GO GET ONE CUP

AND PUT YOUR NAME ON IT.

"THAT IS YOUR CUP.

NOT GONNA DRINK OUT OF ANOTHER

GOD DAMN GLASS IN THIS HOUSE.

THAT'S IT FOR YOU."

>> AL SINGLE-HANDEDLY

DESTROYED MY MOM'S FUNERAL.

AL--HERE'S THE THING.

MY MOM--FIRST OF ALL,

I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH Y'ALL.

MY MOM PASSED AWAY FIVE YEARS

AGO, OKAY?

NOW, MY MOM DIED FROM CANCER.

AT THE TIME, WAS IT DIFFICULT?

YES.

BUT ME AND MY BROTHER,

WE GOT THROUGH IT.

WE KNEW IT WAS COMING.

SO WE PREPPED OURSELVES.

WE'RE AT THE FUNERAL.

FUNERAL'S ALMOST OVER.

PASTOR GETS UP.

HE SAYS, "WOULD ANYBODY LIKE

TO SAY ANY WORDS

ON NANCY'S BEHALF?"

IT'S QUIET.

NOBODY SAYS NOTHING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, MY COUSIN AL

GETS UP.

HE SAYS, "I GOT SOMETHING

I NEED TO SAY."

YOU CAN HEAR EVERYBODY IN MY

FAMILY SUCK THEY TEETH.

"SHIT, GOD DAMN IT.

SHIT!"

I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP.

THIS IS THE SPEECH THAT MY

COUSIN GAVE AT MY MOM'S FUNERAL,

WORD FOR WORD.

HE COMES TO THE PODIUM.

HE SAID, "UH...

UH...

BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING...

I JUST WANT TO START OFF

BY SAYING...

GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME."

NOW, WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT,

IN RETURN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED

TO SAY, "AND ALL THE TIME,

GOD IS GOOD."

NOBODY SAID NOTHING.

LISTEN.

LOOK, WHEN I SAY IT AGAIN,

JUST BE QUIET.

DON'T NOBODY SAY SHIT.

I'M GONNA SHOW Y'ALL

HOW MAD HE GOD.

DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.

JUST BE QUIET, OKAY?

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW

[bleep] MAD HE GOT.

ALL RIGHT, DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.

STOP.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID.

HE SAID, "UH...

UH...

BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING,

I JUST WANT TO START OFF

BY SAYING...

GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME.

[laughter]

OH, DON'T NOBODY KNOW WHAT

THE [bleep] YOU'RE SUPPOSED

TO SAY BACK TO JESUS?

SAY SHIT BACK TO JESUS!"

LOOK, MY GRANDMA GOT SCARED.

SHE WAS LIKE,

"GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME."

SHE STARTED MESSING IT UP.

"GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME.

SOMETIMES HE'S NOT.

I DON'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT HIM.

I JUST--

TAKE ME, JESUS!

AH, UH, UH..."

LOOK, MY GRANDMAMA'S THE KING

OF FAKE PASS-OUTS.

LIKE, SHE'LL PASS OUT FOR THREE

SECOND AND WAIT AND THEN PEEK

TO SEE IF ANYBODY LOOKING.

"TAKE ME, JESUS.

AH, UGH..."

[laughter]

"GRANDMA, I SAW YOU.

COME ON, GET UP.

GET YOUR ASS UP.

GET YOUR OLD FAKIN' ASS UP,

GRANDMA.

YOU AIN'T PASS OUT."

HERE'S THE REST OF THE SPEECH.

WORD FOR THE WORD, HERE'S

THE REST OF THE SPEECH.

HE GOES, "UH...

BEFORE NANCY DIED...

SHE OWED ME $53 AND SOME CHANGE.

NOW, KEVIN, REAL QUICK,

HOW DOES THAT WORK?

DOES THAT ROLL OVER TO YOU?

DO I GET IT FROM YOU, OR...

WHATEVER, WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT.

UH...

LIFE IS FUNNY, AIN'T IT?

SOMETIMES WHEN PEOPLE DIE,

YOU GOT TO LAUGH.

A-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH--HEY!

LOVE YOU, NANCE.

PEACE!"

[bleep] WALKED OFF

LIKE IT WAS A CONCERT.

EVERYBODY'S LIKE,

"WHAT THE [bleep]?

WAIT A MINUTE."

NOW, BEFORE Y'ALL JUDGE

MY FAMILY, LET ME TELL YOU

HOW CRAZY THIS FUNERAL GOT.

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, ALL OUR

FAMILIES ARE CRAZY.

WE JUST COME IN DIFFERENT RACES,

SHAPES, AND SIZES.

NOW, AT ANY FUNERAL YOU GO TO,

THERE'S ALWAYS ONE PERSON AT

THE FUNERAL THAT'S THERE TO

AVENGE THE DEATH OF WHOEVER

DIED.

THEY WANT PAYBACK.

THAT PERSON WAS MY UNCLE

RITCHIE JR., OKAY?

NOW, ALL MY REAL KEVIN HART FANS

KNOW WHO MY UNCLE RITCHIE JR.

IS.

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW,

"SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST."

THAT'S MY UNCLE RITCHIE JR.,

ALL RIGHT?

NOW, LIKE I SAID, MY MOM DIED

FROM CANCER.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS EXCEPT

MY UNCLE RITCHIE JR.

FUNERAL'S OVER.

EVERYBODY'S OUTSIDE.

THEY'RE CONSOLING ONE ANOTHER.

IT'S A REALLY EMOTIONAL TIME.

I'M TALKING.

MY UNCLE COMES UP,

TAPS ME ON THE BACK.

HE SAID, "KEVIN, I JUST WANT

TO LET YOU KNOW, WHOEVER DID

THIS IS GONNA DIE TONIGHT."

"EXCUSE ME?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?"

"I'M JUST TRYING TO TELL YOU,

I'M ABOUT TO PEEL THIS

MOTHER-[bleep] MUFFIN CAP

BACK BLUE TONIGHT, [bleep]!"

I SAID, "UM, CANCER DID IT.

IT WAS CANCER."

HE SAID, "WELL, YOU TELL CANCER

I'M LOOKING FOR HIM, AND WHEN

I FIND HIM, I'MA SHOOT HIM

IN THE FACE, TWICE!

ME!

BY MYSELF!

ONE GUN, ONE BULLET,

ALL DAY, EVERY DAY,

WAKE UP, GO BACK TO SLEEP,

TAKE A NAP.

YOU READY TO GO NIGHT-NIGHT,

[bleep]?

YOU ABOUT TO GO NIGHT-NIGHT,

[bleep]!

YOU'RE GONNA GO NIGHT-NIGHT,

[bleep]!"

I SAID, "OKAY."

I SAID, "I CAN'T--

DUDE, I CAN'T DO THIS.

I CAN'T."

I SAID, "UNCLE, YOU'RE GONNA

TELL HIM BY YOURSELF.

I CAN'T."

REASON WHY I COULDN'T, IT WAS

TIME FOR ME TO BE A PALL BEARER,

OKAY?

NOW, HERE'S THE THING.

IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO GO

BE A PALL BEARER.

I HAD TO GO PICK UP THE CASKET.

WE HAD TO CARRY THE CASKET

DOWN THE AISLE, PUT THE CASKET

IN THE HEARSE.

NOW, I'D NEVER BEEN

A PALL BEARER BEFORE.

I'D BEEN OFFERED SEVERAL

PALL BEARER POSITIONS,

BUT I'VE TURNED THEM ALL DOWN.

REASON WHY I'VE TURNED THEM

DOWN, I'M SMALL.

I GOT LITTLE ARMS.

MY BIGGEST FEAR IS THAT YOU'RE

GONNA PUT ME NEXT TO SOMEBODY

THAT'S TALL WITH LONG ARMS.

I GOT TO MAKE UP FOR THE SPACE.

I GOT TO HOLD THE CASKET

UP HERE.

MY [bleep] ARM GET TIRED.

MY ARM START SHAKING.

I DROP IT.

EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME LIKE,

"WHY YOU DROP IT?"

I'M LIKE, "I NEVER HAD IT."

LIKE, "YES, YOU DID."

I'M LIKE, "NO, I DIDN'T.

I THOUGHT WE WAS GONNA

PICK IT UP ON THREE.

NOBODY COUNTED.

Y'ALL JUST ASSUMED I HAD IT.

I DIDN'T HAVE IT.

MY HAND HURT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BLEED."

WHATEVER.

I DON'T WANT TO BE

IN THAT SITUATION.

BUT, FOR THIS TIME,

I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.

IT'S MY MOM.

IT'S MY MOM'S FUNERAL,

SO I HAVE TO DO IT.

SO I'M ON THE RIGHT SIDE.

I GOT THE CASKET OVER HERE.

MY BROTHER'S ON THE LEFT SIDE.

HE'S GOT THE CASKET OVER THERE.

KEEP IN MIND, IT'S MY MOTHER,

AND IT'S A FUNERAL,

SO I'M EMOTIONAL.

I'M CRYING.

I'M A MESS.

"NO...

NOOOO.

SHE--SHE WASN'T READY!

SHE WASN'T READY!"

SO THIS IS WHY MY DAD'S

AN ASSHOLE.

MY DAD SEES ME CRYING,

AND MY DAD STOOD UP,

PUNCHED ME IN THE BACK

OF THE HEAD.

"STOP BEING A BITCH!

MAN UP!

SHE GONE!"

I SAID, "[bleep], THAT'S IT,

MAN, [bleep] THIS SHIT, MAN!"

I FORGOT--I FORGOT WHERE I WAS.

I THREW THE CASKET.

WHEN I THREW IT, MY COUSIN AL

STOOD UP.

HE WAS LIKE, "IT SHOULD HAVE

BEEN ME, LORD!

I WAS THE ONE [bleep]

FOR MONEY!"

MY DAD WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT, ALL RI-IGHT!

HEY, YOU GONNA LEARN TODAY."

"SHUT THE [bleep] UP, DAD."

MY GRANDMA PASSED OUT.

"[bleep], UH, UGH..."

"GRANDMA, YOU'RE PEEKING,

GRANDMA.

SOMEBODY GET GRANDMA'S ASS

OUT THE CHURCH.

LYING IN FRONT OF GOD."

>> NOW, I TALK ABOUT MY DAD

A LOT, BUT UNDERSTAND

SOMETHING, PEOPLE.

I LOVE MY DAD TO DEATH.

I WOULDN'T BE THE MAN I AM TODAY

IF IT WASN'T FOR MY DAD.

TO BE HONEST WITH Y'ALL,

I'M JUST LIKE MY DAD.

I JUST DON'T DO DRUGS.

I GOT MY DAD'S TEMPER.

I KNOW I DO.

THAT'S WHY I'M GOING THROUGH

A DIVORCE NOW, YOU KNOW?

WHEN I GET MAD,

I DON'T ARGUE NO MORE.

I [bleep] LEAVE.

THAT'S HOW I HANDLE SHIT.

NOW, I'M NOT SPITEFUL

LIKE MY DAD.

MY DAD IS VERY SPITEFUL.

LIKE, MY DAD GETS MAD.

LIKE, I REMEMBER HIM AND MY MOM

WOULD ARGUE, RIGHT?

NO MATTER WHAT HE BOUGHT

IN THE HOUSE, HE WOULD TAKE

WITH HIM WHEN HE LEFT.

I DON'T GIVE A [bleep]

WHAT IT WAS.

LIKE, IF YOU WERE COOKING

A STEAK IN THE PAN,

AND MY DAD BOUGHT IT,

WHEN HE LEFT, "BITCH, GET THE

GOD DAMN STEAK OUT THE PAN."

"WHAT WE GONNA EAT?"

"BITCH, PUT THE STEAK

IN MY HAND!

I'M READY TO GO."

SHE WOULD PUT A HOT STEAK

IN HIS HAND.

"[bleep], BITCH, PUT IT

IN A BAG!"

[bleep] CRAZY.

I REMEMBER MY DAD TOOK ALL

THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS OFF THE

CHRISTMAS TREE

ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW--LISTEN.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MAD YOU GOT TO

BE TO TAKE THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

OFF THE GOD DAMN CHRISTMAS TREE?

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKE

TO TAKE THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

OFF THE [bleep] CHRISTMAS TREE?

AND TO KEEP THE ATTITUDE

THAT WHOLE TIME?

"YUP, Y'ALL DONE [bleep] UP

TODAY.

TOO LATE.

TOO LATE.

IT'S GONNA BE A DARK CHRISTMAS

IN THIS BITCH.

I BET YOU THAT.

AIN'T NOBODY GONNA SEE SHIT

IN THIS HOUSE.

HOW MANY SETS OF LIGHTS I PUT ON

THIS GOD DAMN CHRISTMAS TREE?"

MY DAD WAS [bleep] CRAZY.

NOW, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO Y'ALL.

WHEN I LEFT, I DID TAKE

SOME STUFF.

SEE, BUT I TOOK STUFF THAT

SHE DIDN'T REALIZE WAS

IMPORTANT UNTIL IT WAS GONE.

LIKE, WHEN I LEFT, I TOOK ALL

THE BACKS TO HEAR EARRINGS.

UH...

YEAH, YEAH.

"I DON'T WANT THE EARRINGS.

I JUST WANT THE BACKS.

YOU CAN PUT 'EM ON,

BUT YOU'RE GONNA [bleep]

LOSE 'EM, 'CAUSE I GOT

THE BACKS.

I SUGGEST YOU GO BUY A PACK

OF PENCILS AND GET POPPIN'

WITH THOSE ERASERS, BITCH.

I GOT THE GOD DAMN BACKS, OKAY?"

THAT'S THE THING, FELLAS.

YOU GOT TO HIT 'EM LOW.

GOT TO TAKE STUFF THAT THEY

DON'T REALIZE IS IMPORTANT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ELSE I TOOK.

I TOOK THE HEADBOARD

TO THE BED.

NOW, I KNOW WHEN I SAY THAT,

A LOT OF Y'ALL ARE LIKE,

"KEVIN, WHY WOULD YOU TAKE

THE HEADBOARD TO THE BED?"

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

THE HEADBOARD TO THE BED

IS VERY IMPORTANT TO A MAN.

THAT'S WHAT MOTIVATES US

DURING SEX.

LADIES, IT'S NOT YOU.

IT'S NOT THE NOISES

THAT YOU MAKE.

IT'S THE [bleep] HEADBOARD.

THIS SOUND, RIGHT HERE.

[light whacking]

[steady pounding]

[pounding quickens]

THAT'S MOTIVATION.

THAT'S THE MOTIVATION.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,

NEXT TIME YOU'RE HAVING SEX

WITH YOUR MAN, IF YOU HEAR

THE HEADBOARD, LOOK AT YOUR

MAN'S FACE.

I BET YOU ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY

HIS FACE MATCHES THE SOUND

OF THE [bleep] HEADBOARD.

BET MONEY.

[steady pounding]

IT ALL GOES TOGETHER.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU

WHAT I KNOW.

NOW, I'M NOT A HYPOCRITE,

PEOPLE.

I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT SEEM

LIKE MY RELATIONSHIP

DIDN'T WORK OUT AND IT'S ALL

HER FAULT.

I'LL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

I'M NOT THE SAME MAN

THAT I USED TO BE.

I FELL OFF IN SOME AREAS.

I CAN ADMIT THAT.

SEXUALLY, I FELL OFF.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

ONE DAY I WOKE UP,

SHIT WAS DIFFERENT.

MY MOVES WAS GONE.

I WAS JUST BAD.

I'M BEING HONEST.

I DON'T CARE.

MY DIRTY TALK CHANGED TOO.

HERE'S--HERE'S THE THING

WITH TALKING DIRTY.

I CAN SAY DIRTY SHIT.

I JUST DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU

SAY STUFF BACK, 'CAUSE WHEN YOU

SAY STUFF BACK, THEN I GOT TO

SAY SOMETHING BACK

TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID.

IT'S TOO MUCH.

SHUT UP.

JUST LET ME SAY WHAT I GOT

TO SAY.

IT'S TOO [bleep] MUCH.

THAT'S THE WORST.

LIKE, FELLAS, YOU EVER SAY SOME

REAL GOOD SHIT TO A GIRL AND SHE

SAY SOMETHING BACK TOO QUICK?

YOU AIN'T GOT NO RESPONSE

FOR IT?

I AIN'T THE ONLY MAN IN HERE

THAT'S BEEN STUMPED.

EVERY MAN IN HERE

HAS BEEN STUMPED.

WE SAY SOME GOOD SHIT.

"YEAH, YOU LIKE THIS [bleep],

DON'T YOU?"

"OOH, WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT?"

[laughter]

"I DON'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T

EXPECT YOU TO SAY

WHAT YOU SAID WHEN YOU SAID IT."

>> LADIES, THE REASON WHY

I KNOW ALL THIS STUFF,

LIKE I SAID, I'VE BEEN SINGLE

FOR A WHILE NOW,

SO I'VE BEEN OUT.

I'VE BEEN IN THE CLUBS.

I'VE BEEN ON THE SCENE.

I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.

DO I LIKE THE CLUBS?

NO.

DO I LIKE THE SINGLE LIFE?

NOT REALLY.

BUT I'M IN IT.

THE REASON WHY I GO TO CLUBS,

'CAUSE MY FRIENDS MAKE ME,

'CAUSE THEY CAN'T GET IN

WITHOUT ME, SO I HAVE TO GO.

HERE'S THE THING.

I'M A TELL YOU WHAT SHOCKED ME

THE MOST ABOUT THE CLUBS.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THAT

DANCING SHIT, LIKE, THAT WHOLE

DANCE BATTLE SHIT, I DIDN'T KNOW

THAT THAT WAS REAL.

I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ON TV,

LIKE, WITH DANCE CREWS.

THAT SHIT IS REAL.

LIKE, GROWN-ASS MEN

BE BATTLING, LIKE, FACE TO FACE.

GROWN-ASS [bleep] MEN.

THE SHIT THAT MAKE ME LAUGH

THE MOST, LIKE, WHEN YOU WATCH

PEOPLE BATTLE, IS THE DUDE THAT

BE CALLING THE DANCES OUT.

HE SAY SHIT THAT YOU HAVE

NO CLUE, LIKE, YOU NEVER KNEW

THIS WAS GOING ON.

"OH, SHIT!

THAT [bleep] IN YOUR HOUSE!

HE WALKING YOUR DOG!"

"WHEN THE [bleep] DID HE GET

THE DOG?

WHEN DID HE GET THE DOG?"

I GOT INVOLVED IN ONE

DANCE BATTLE,

ONE DANCE BATTLE.

I GO TO A CLUB, RIGHT?

I'M WITH MY BOY SPANK.

NOW, HERE'S THE THING.

SPANK CAN DANCE.

SPANK CAN DANCE HIS ASS OFF.

PERSONALLY, I THINK SPANK

A LITTLE TOO TALL TO DO SOME

OF THE DANCES HE DOES.

SPANK, LIKE, 6'5".

SHOULDN'T DO SOME OF THEM.

BUT WHATEVER, IT'S HIS BUSINESS.

WE GO INTO A CLUB.

SPANK WALKING IN FRONT OF ME.

I'M BEHIND HIM, RIGHT?

WHEN WE GET THERE,

HE HEAR A SONG.

HE WAS LIKE, "OH, SHIT.

THIS MY SONG."

HE DROPPED HIS ASS DOWN TWICE.

BOP!

BOP!

NOW, HERE'S THE THING.

I'M RIGHT BEHIND HIM.

I'M SMALL.

HIS ASS HIT MY LIP

A LITTLE BIT, NOT A LOT, BUT...

IT DEFINITELY--

I WAS LIKE, "NO, NO, NO."

THE DJ WAS LIKE, "OH, SHIT,

THEM [bleep] DIRTY WINING!"

"NO, WE'RE--NO, WE'RE NOT.

DON'T DO THAT.

DON'T SAY THAT.

DON'T PUT THAT MESSAGE

OUT THERE."

I SAID, "HEY, MAN, DON'T

[bleep] DO THAT SHIT

IN FRONT OF ME.

GO OUT THERE AND DANCE

IF YOU WANT TO DANCE."

HE SAID, "ALL RIGHT,

COOL, COOL."

HE GO OUT THERE ON THE

DANCE FLOOR.

HE SEES THIS GIRL.

HE STARTS DANCING.

HE AIN'T DOING NOTHING CRAZY.

HE'S JUST TWO-STEPPING.

MM, MM.

HIM AND A GIRL DANCING.

OUT OF NOWHERE, THIS GUY

WALKS UP.

HE'S GOT, LIKE, FIVE GUYS

WITH HIM, RIGHT?

HE GRABBED THE GIRL.

HE LOOKED AT SPANK.

HE SAID, "HEY, MAN, YOU DON'T

WANT THIS [bleep] PROBLEM."

NOW, IN MY MIND, I SAID,

"OH, SHIT, WE ABOUT TO FIGHT."

SO I DID WHAT I DO.

I TOOK A BEER BOTTLE.

I BROKE IT,

'CAUSE I WAS ABOUT TO STAB

THIS BITCH IN THE FACE.

I'M LYING.

I TRIED TO BREAK IT.

IT DIDN'T BREAK, SO I SAT DOWN.

LISTEN, WHATEVER.

THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH THE STORY.

THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.

OKAY, SO I SIT DOWN.

I'M LOOKING, RIGHT?

THIS IS THE SHIT THAT WAS WILD.

WHEN THE GUY MOVED THE GIRL,

HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, YOU DON'T

WANT THIS [bleep] PROBLEM."

OUT OF NOWHERE, HE WAS LIKE,

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH."

NOW, THIS IS THE SHIT

THAT MADE ME LAUGH.

WHEN HE WAS DOING THIS, RIGHT,

HIS FRIENDS BEHIND HIM WAS LIKE,

"OHHHHH-OH!

OHHHHH!"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE [bleep]?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

SO HE GRABS SPANK'S CHEST.

WHEN HE GRABBED HIS CHEST,

HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH!

WHAT I GOT, WHAT I GOT,

WHAT I GOT."

NOW THE BITCH IN ME CAME OUT.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT IS IT?

WHAT'S IN HIS HAND?

WHAT DOES HE HAVE?"

HE SAID, "I GOT YOUR HEART,

[bleep].

I GOT YOUR [bleep] HEART.

I'M ABOUT TO EAT IT.

AH, AH, AH, MM."

HE SAID, "YEAH I ATE IT, BITCH.

OOH, IT'S NASTY.

AH, UGH, THREW IT BACK UP."

HE SAID, "TAKE IT BACK--MM!"

HIT SPANK ON THE HEAD.

SPANK CAME BACK TO LIFE,

'CAUSE TECHNICALLY SPANK WAS

DEAD FOR, LIKE, 32 SECONDS,

BECAUSE THE GUY--

THE GUY HAD HIS HEART.

SO WHEN HE GAVE IT BACK,

I WAS LIKE, "YO, SPANK,

WE SHOULD LEAVE, 'CAUSE NEXT

TIME, HE MIGHT NOT BE

THAT NICE.

HE MIGHT NOT GIVE IT BACK."

SO SPANK WAS LIKE, "YO, MAN,

[bleep] THAT.

HE WANT TO BATTLE,

LET'S BATTLE."

I SAID, "SPANK, THERE'S FIVE

OF THEM, OKAY?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO IT

BY YOURSELF.

TAG ME IN."

HE SAID, "WHAT?"

I SAID, "TAG ME IN.

HIT MY HAND.

I'MA GO HERE.

I'M GONNA BRING IT

RIGHT BACK HERE, OKAY?

JUST HIT MY HAND.

I'M GONNA GO HERE WITH IT.

I'M GONNA BRING IT

RIGHT BACK HERE.

HE SAID, "NO, KEV, [bleep] THAT.

I GOT HIM.

I'M ABOUT TO GET IN A CAR

ON THIS BITCH."

I SAID, "WHAT?"

HE SAID, "I'M ABOUT TO GET

IN A CAR ON HIS ASS."

I SAID, "WHATEVER, FINE,

DO YOU."

HE SAID, "WHEN I GET TO THE

OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM,

THROW ME THE CAR KEYS."

I SAID, "MY REAL CAR KEYS?"

HE SAID, "BITCH, THROW ME

THE KEYS."

I SAID, "OKAY, I'M NOT GONNA

ARGUE WITH YOU.

WHATEVER, FINE, OKAY."

SO SPANK STARTS DANCING.

HE GETS TO THE OTHER SIDE

OF THE ROOM.

HE'S GOING OFF, RIGHT?

HE SAID, "KEV, I'M AT THE CAR.

THROW ME THE KEYS."

I TAKE OUT MY CAR KEYS.

I THROW 'EM, HARD AS SHIT.

MM!

WHEN I THROW 'EM,

THIS BITCH DUCKS.

WHEN HE DUCKS, IT HIT THE GLASS

BEHIND THE BAR.

ALL THE GLASS BREAK.

ALCOHOL FALL DOWN.

THE BARTENDER LOOKED AT ME.

HE SAID, "YOU GONNA HAVE TO PAY

FOR THIS SHIT."

I SAID, "I WOULD, BUT THE WAY

THAT MY BANK ACCOUNT IS SET UP,

I GOT A CHECKING AND SAVINGS..."

Y'ALL BEEN GREAT, L.A.

I'M KEVIN HART.

[crowd cheering]

THANK YOU!

[crowd cheering]

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

>> WE'RE BACK WITH SPOON,

HENRY WITHERSPOON, AND NOW

JOINED BY HIS FAMOUS SON

KEVIN HART.

WHAT'S YOUR RELATIONSHIP NOW?

>> MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAD

NOW, LARRY, IS EXCELLENT.

YOU KNOW, I GOT TO HONESTLY SAY

IT'S BETTER THAN IT HAS BEEN

BEFORE.

NOT THAT IT WAS EVER BAD.

BUT, YOU KNOW, THE OLDER YOU

GET, THE MORE YOU MATURE.

AND I CAN SAY RIGHT NOW I'M AT

THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF MATURITY

I'VE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE,

AND I GOT TO SAY IT'S BECAUSE

OF THIS MAN RIGHT HERE.

>> ARE YOU BEST FRIENDS NOW?

>> OF COURSE, OF COURSE.

THIS IS MY MAN,

MY MAN POTS AND PANS, YOU KNOW?

I THINK WE'RE PROBABLY FRIENDS

'CAUSE HE UNDERSTANDS, YOU KNOW,

AT THE CURRENT TIME,

I'LL WHUP HIS ASS, LARRY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT

WHAT IT USED TO BE.

>> UH-HUH.

>> I'LL BE THE HELL

OUT OF THIS BOY.

>> [laughs]

>> IT'S NOT WHAT IT USED

TO BE, LARRY.

I'LL PUT MY HANDS ON HIM NOW.

>> HE BE RIGHT, BUT HE GOT

TO REMEMBER, I'LL CUT HIM.

>> DO YOU THINK, WITH WHAT YOU

WENT THROUGH GROWING UP,

THAT COMEDY'S THERAPY FOR YOU?

>> OH, YES, YES, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE

OTHER OUTLETS, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, IT WASN'T LIKE THERE WAS

PEOPLE I WAS TALKING TO ABOUT

WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH.

STAND-UP COMEDY GAVE ME

THE ABILITY TO SHARE MY STORIES

AND GET RESULTS, YOU KNOW,

GETTING IMMEDIATE RESULTS.

>> EVEN USING YOUR DAD.

>> EVEN USING MY DAD.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE TAKING YOUR

PAIN AND YOU'RE GETTING PEOPLE

TO LAUGH AT IT.

>> YOU KNOW, GUYS, LARRY

GELBART, THE GREAT LATE

COMEDY WRITER, TOLD ME ONCE,

HE WAS CARRYING HIS LITTLE

GRANDDAUGHTER, AND HE SAID,

"DO YOU KNOW WHY GRANDPARENTS

AND GRANDCHILDREN GET ALONG

SO WELL?"

>> 'CAUSE YOU CAN SEND THEM HOME

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THEM.

>> 'CAUSE THEY HAVE

A COMMON ENEMY.

>> THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY.

>> THANK YOU, GUYS.

HEY, TOMORROW NIGHT,

WHAT A SHOW WE'VE GOT.

TODD BRIDGES IS GONNA BE

WITH US WITH HIS BEST FRIEND.

HIS BEST FRIEND, HE SAYS,

STOLE HIS IMAGE.

THAT'S TOMORROW NIGHT.

IT'S GONNA BE HOT.

YOU WILL NOT WANT TO MISS IT.

[laughter]

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT!

>> EVERYBODY WANT TO BE FAMOUS.

NOBODY WANT TO DO THE WORK.

SPANK, GIVE ME TWO, BABY.

LET'S GO.

DOUG, COME ON, GIVE ME A LITTLE.

CLOSE 'EM UP.

COME ON, HARRY.

COME ON, BOY.

>> EASY GREASY.

>> THAT'S A STRIKE.

>> WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

GIVE ME TWO.

BELLY, GIVE ME THE BELLY.

JEEVES, LOVE YOU, BOY.

ALWAYS, ALWAYS.

NATE, GIVE ME SOMETHING.

THAT'S A BABY.

ALL RIGHT.

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