Amazing Jonathan & Marc Maron

  • Season 1, Ep 0108
  • 02/24/1992

THANK YOU.

OH, THANK YOU!

YOU KNOW, THAT WAS GENUINE.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

I'M IN SHOW BIZ, ALTHOUGHI DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS--

THERE'S NO BUSINESS

BECAUSE THE COUNTRY'SIN RECESSION, BUT THANK YOU.

I AM VERY POLITICAL,AND I JUST CAN'T...

YOU KNOW WHAT BUSH--

I THINK BUSH THINKS--I'M SORRY, MR. PRESIDENT--

I THINK HE THINKS"THE HOMELESS" MEANS

PEOPLE THAT DON'T OWN A HOME,WHICH I THINK IS A BIG MISTAKE.

( laughter )

GOOD NIGHT.

THANK YOU!

NO, I REALLY--

I JUST-- LOOK, I'M A LIBERAL,SO THAT'S IT, MAN.

THIS IS THE COMEDY CENTRAL.

I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT.

THIS IS VERY HIP.

AND QUAYLE--I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN.

PEOPLE WITH MINER'S CAPSARE LOOKING HERE AND THERE.

I MEAN, DURING THE GULF WAR,HE ACTUALLY CUT A RIBBON

TO OPEN UP A BAKERYIN TEANECK, NEW JERSEY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S SAD.

I'M NOT DOING QUAYLE JOKES.

I KNOW EVERYBODY DOES IT, BUT--ALTHOUGH THERE WAS A BIG SIGN--

I THINK IN BOSTON,OR WAS IT HARVARD?

A BIG MEDICAL TEST.

RATS WOULD RATHER STARVETHAN NOT DO A QUAYLE JOKE

SO I HAD TO DO IT.

BUT I'M HERE.

WELCOME TO THE A LIST.

IT'S A GREAT NIGHT TONIGHT.

WE HAVE THE AMAZING JONATHANAND MARK MARON, HUH?

COME ON!

THEY'RE GREAT.

THESE GUYS TRAVEL.

I USED TO TRAVEL.

I'M TOO OLD NOW.

I JUST NAP, BASICALLY,BUT I WAS ON THE ROAD--

THIS WAS MY LAST TRIP,PROBABLY, BEFORE I DIE--

I DON'T WANT TO DEPRESS YOU--BUT I WAS IN THE DEEP SOUTH

AND I DID THIS BENEFIT--I'M LIKE THE GANDHI OF COMEDY.

YOU KNOW THESE THEATERSIN THE ROUND, THEY SPIN AROUND.

YOU DO A JOKE, AND YOU VOMIT.

YOU DO A JOKE,AND YOU VOMIT.

I DID A MENTAL HEALTHINSTITUTION IN THE DEEP SOUTH

AND IT HAD A THEATERIN THE ROUND

BUT ACTUALLY,THE STAGE DIDN'T SPIN

BUT EVERY CHAIR SPUN,EVERY MENTAL PATIENT SPUN.

IT WAS SORT OF FRIGHTENING.

BUT I GO ON THE ROAD--

I'M READY, LIKE DURING HOLIDAYS

LIKE IN THE SOUTH, LIKE LAST--I'LL NEVER FORGET--

LIKE LAST CHRISTMASAND HANUKKAH TIME

MY MOTHER GAVE ME A COLLAPSIBLEMENORAH TO PUT IN MY SUITCASE

ALTHOUGH IN THE SOUTH, THEYTHINK HANUKKAH WAS A DUCK CALL.

HANUKKAH! PULL, SHOOT!

( laughter )

BUT I ACTUALLY HAD TO BE THEREFOR A GIG, BECAUSE MY NEPHEW

WAS GETTING BAR MITZVAHEDAT TEMPLE BETH YAHOO!

IT WAS LIKE, REALLY,IT WAS THE ONLY TEMPLE THEY HAD

AND THE RABBI WAS FINE.

I DIDN'T MINDTHE TEN-GALLON SKULLCAP.

THAT WAS FINE, BUT THE--YOU KNOW, THE RACCOON TAIL.

YOU KNOW, I THINK THE RABBIWAS BUDDY EBSENBERG.

IT WAS REALLY SORTOF A SAD THING.

( laughter )

I KNOW.

I WAS A LITTLE UPSET,BECAUSE MY NEPHEW--

I MEAN, HE LIP-SYNCHEDHIS BAR MITZVAH SPEECH

WHICH I FELT WAS...

( wild cheering and applause )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU.

PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

NO, REALLY,THIS IS EMBARRASSING.

SIT.

THANK YOU.

WELL, I'VE GOT TO GETTO THE HOSPITAL REAL SOON.

NOT TO SOUND LIKE RICHARD

BUT THIS MOLE ON THE BACKOF MY NECK IS REALLY--

IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

IS THAT NOTICEABLE?

BECAUSE IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS.

( screams )

( laughter )

OH, LOOK AT "MR. LET'S GET HEREEARLY AND GET THOSE GOOD SEATS"!

YOU'RE GOING TO HATETHIS STUFF, BOY, OH, BOY.

DID YOU SEE THE MOLE OVER THERE?

GOOD, BECAUSE A LOT OF COMICSWON'T DO MOLE HUMOR ANYMORE.

WELL, WE'RE GOING TO START

WITH A REALLY COOL MAGIC TRICKTHIS EVENING.

YOU, SIR, WITH THE BLACK SHIRT.

DO YOU HAVE A HANDKERCHIEF?

ALL RIGHT, DO THIS.

YOU GOT SOMETHING HANGING.

( laughter )

IT'S BUGGING ME.

( wild laughter )

COOL.

NO, BECAUSE IT'S REALLY--

IT'S HARD TO CONCENTRATEON THE MOLE THING

WITH THIS THING SWINGINGBACK AND FORTH LIKE THAT.

DID YOU SEE THE MOLE THINGWAY BACK THERE?

OKAY, GOOD.

WE'RE GOING TO NOWBRING OUT A SPECIAL GUEST.

THIS IS A REALLY,REALLY COOL PART OF THE SHOW.

IT'S A YOUNG LADY WHO'S GOTPSYCHIC ABILITIES BEYOND BELIEF.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,PLEASE LET'S HAVE A HAND

FOR MY PARTNER, PSYCHIC BAMBI.

( wild cheering and applause )

COME ON OUT HERE.

( whistling, cheering )

PSYCHIC BAMBI,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

HOW ARE YOU?

HI!

HI.

PSYCHIC BAMBI, TWOOUT OF THREE, TONIGHT?

YES.

MAYBE THREEOUT OF THREE.

IF YOU GUESSTHREE OUT OF THREE

SOMETHING EXTRAIN THE ENVELOPE

AT THE ENDOF THE WEEK.

WELL, I HAVEA BLINDFOLD HERE.

I USUALLY HAVE ITWITH ME.

I TELL YOU WHAT.

INSTEAD OF USINGTHE BLINDFOLD

WE'LL TAKE AND STAPLE...

( cries out )

THESE TWO PLAYING CARDSOVER YOUR EYES.

OKAY, I THINK THATQUALIFIES LEGALLY

AS A BLINDFOLD.

ALL RIGHT, NOW.

HERE, JUSTTO KEEP THOSE ON

WE'LL JUST...OKAY, WE'LL JUST...

RIGHT LIKE THAT

AND NOW, I'LL TELL YOUWHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.

WE GOING TO PUT THISSHEET OVER YOUR HEAD

LIKE THIS.

OKAY, NOW YOU HOLDTHE SHEET UP THERE.

CAN YOU SEEANYTHING AT ALL?

NO.

GOOD.

LET'S NOW HOLD UPAN OBJECT

AND SEE IF PSYCHIC BAMBICAN GET THE OBJECT.

UH... HERE'SSOMETHING HERE.

PSYCHIC BAMBI,CAN YOU HEAR ME?

YES.

I'M HOLDING AN OBJECTUP ABOVE YOUR HEAD.

CAN YOU TELL MEWHAT IT IS, PLEASE?

UM... THE THREEOF DIAMONDS.

( laughter )

NO.

CONCENTRATE,PSYCHIC BAMBI.

UM... TWOOF DIAMONDS?

IT'S NOT A CARDAT ALL, PSYCHIC BAMBI.

THINK... THINK,WHAT IS IT?

UM... COULD I FEELTHE OBJECT, PLEASE?

YOU HAVE TO FEELTHE OBJECT.

I GUESSTHAT'S LEGAL.

( people exclaim surprise )

( laughter )

WHAT WAS THAT,PSYCHIC BAMBI?

WAIT A MINUTE,WAIT A MINUTE.

( laughter )

WHAT DO YOU THINKTHAT THAT WAS?

UH... AN APPLE?

AN APPLE!

YES!

( cheering and applause )

HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?

HOW DOESSHE DO THAT?

OKAY.

LET'S TRY ANOTHER ONE.

( laughter )

PSYCHIC BAMBI, WEREALLY NEED TO BAKE

WITH THIS NEXT ONE,OKAY, COOKIE?

SO... SHUT UP, WATCH.

SO CONCENTRATEAND TELL ME

WHAT IS IN MY HAND,PSYCHIC BAMBI.

SORRY.

I THOUGHT SHEWAS BACK FARTHER.

UH...

UM... A PIZZA?

( laughter )

( imitating Bambi ):NO, IT'S NOT A PIZZA.

IT'S NOT A PIZZA!

CONCENTRATE.

UH...

COOKIE...

A SPOON?

NO.

OH, COULD I FEELTHE OBJECT?

( laughter )

WHAT WAS THAT?

( whimpering )

UH... A BAKING PAN.

WHAT WAS IT?

A BAKING PAN?

YES, A BAKING PAN--TWO FOR TWO.

( wild cheering and applause )

OKAY

IF SHE CAN GETTHREE FOR THREE

THAT'S PRETTY DARN GOOD,HUH, FOLKS?

CONCENTRATE,PSYCHIC BAMBI

AND TELL ME WHAT IT IS

I HAVE UPTO MY FOREHEAD.

CAN YOU VISUALIZETHE OBJECT?

( groaning )

SORRY.

WHAT IS IT?

A MICROWAVE.

NO... HOW THE HELLCOULD IT BE A MICROWAVE?

OOH... A PILLOW?

YOU WISH IT WASA PILLOW.

( laughter )

DO I HAVE TO FEELTHE OBJECT?

DO YOU HAVE TO FEELTHE OBJECT?

WELL, I THINKTHAT WOULD HELP,PSYCHIC BAMBI

( grunting )

WHAT DID THATFEEL LIKE?

SCISSORS.

SCISSORS!

YES.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

( cheering and applause )

PSYCHIC BAMBI!

( wild cheering and applause )

SHE'S TERRIFIC.

I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE DOES THAT.

MAYBE SHE CAN SEE THROUGHTHE SHEET OR SOMETHING.

WHO KNOWS?

DOES SOMEBODY HAVEA BIC LIGHTER

AN ORDINARY,PLASTIC BIC LIGHTER?

DO YOU HAVE ONE, ANYONE,AT THE TABLE?

JUST TOSS IT UP HEREIF YOU HAVE ONE.

WE NEED A BIC LIGHTER.

IT'S A REALLY COOL TRICK.

THANK YOU, SIR.

PERFECT.

OKAY, EXCELLENT.

JUST ABOUT FILLS THAT

RIGHT TO THE TOP.

OKAY... NOW.

( wild cheering )

OH, PSYCHIC BAMBI,I FOUND THE BLINDFOLD.

OOPS! TOO LATE NOW.

WHAT YOU'RE ABOUTTO SEE IS NOT REAL.

KEEP THAT IN MIND.

SIR, WOULD YOU FEEL THE BLADEOF THIS KNIFE, PLEASE?

DOES IT COLLAPSE?

LOOK AT MY ARM.

IS THERE ANY RUBBER?

FEEL THE ARM.

( grunting )

( yelling in pain )

( laughter and screaming )

( woman screaming )

( wild cheering and applause )

( groaning )

THERE IT IS.

YOUR TURN.

( wild cheering and applause )

WE'RE GOING TO DOA REALLY CLASSIC MAGIC TRICK.

I THINK YOU'LL ENJOY THIS.

DO YOU LIKE BIRDS, MA'AM?

( cheering and applause )

I'M KIDDING AROUND.

CHECK IT OUT.

( laughter and applause )

THE LITTLE SUCKER BIT ME.

( laughter and applause )

MAYBE I OVERREACTED.

I KNOW WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.

WIPE YOUR NOSE, MAN.

YOU'RE BUGGING ME.

OKAY... THIS IS A NEAT LITTLEROPE TRICK WE'RE GOING TO DO.

A LOT OF MAGICIANSYOU SEE DOING THIS TRICK

WILL USE STRINGSOR WIRES OR MAGNETS--

ANYTHING TO MAKETHE TRICK EASIER, BUT...

( laughter )

NEVER MIND.

HERE'S A TRICK I'VE HADSINCE I WAS A LITTLE AMAZING.

( laughter )

( "Pop Goes the Weasel" playing feebly )

( "Pop Goes the Weasel" comes to an end )

WHERE THE HELL'S THE CLOWN?

THERE USED TO BE A LITTLE--

OH, SHOOT!

( laughter )

WAIT A MINUTE.

THERE'S A NOTE.

"I CAN'T TAKETHAT SONG ANYMORE."

( wild cheering and laughter )

I FOUND THIS NUCLEAR WASTEBUCKET OUTSIDE.

I'M SURE IT'S CLEAN.

NOBODY WOULD LEAVE

A DANGEROUS NUCLEAR WASTE BUCKETLYING AROUND ON THE GROUND.

WHAT IF SOME JERK CAME ALONGAND PUT THIS OVER THEIR HEAD?

YOU NEVER KNOWWHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF...

( laughter )

I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

DO I LOOK PALE?

( laughter )

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,THANK YOU ALL.

( wild cheering and applause )

YOU WERE TERRIFIC.

I'M THE AMAZING JONATHAN.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU!

( wild cheering and applause )

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

ONE THING I NEVERTHOUGHT I'D HEAR

AS A COMIC IS LIKE,"WAIT, YOU CAN'T GO ON YET.

WE HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE BLOOD."

MAYBE AT THE POST OFFICE,BUT NOT AS A COMIC.

HOW YOU PEOPLE DOING, ALL RIGHT?

( audience reacts )

GOOD.

I FEEL GOOD.

I FEEL GREAT.

I JUST READ AN ARTICLEIN THE PAPER THE OTHER DAY

THAT IN A MEDICAL EXPERIMENT

THEY ACTUALLYHOOKED UP ELECTRODES

TO THE PLEASURE CENTEROF A LAB MONKEY'S BRAIN

AND AT THE FLIP OF A SWITCH

SENT THE MONKEYINTO PERPETUAL ORGASM.

( laughter )

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AGAINSTANIMAL TESTING, BUT...

WHERE DO I GETTHE HOME GAME OF THIS?

( laughter )

MAN, YOU WOULDN'T EVENHAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE.

JUST HAVE A FRIEND COME OVER ANDFLIP THE MATTRESS EVERY FEW DAYS

CHANGE THE I.V. UNIT,MAYBE PUT SOME NEW C.D.s IN.

AND YOU KNOW, SONY WOULDCATCH ON EVENTUALLY.

YOU REMEMBER HOW LONG IT TOOKTO GET USED TO WALKMEN--

PEOPLE WEARING WALKMEN?

IMAGINE IF PEOPLE HADELECTRODES IN THEIR HEAD

AND AT WILLCOULD JUST GO, "OH, GOD!

"YEAH, MAN!

WHOA!"

THEY COULD NEVERLET THE TECHNOLOGY OUT.

THEY'D HAVE TO REGULATE IT

BECAUSE NO ONE WOULDGET ANYTHING DONE.

PEOPLE WOULD BEFALLING OFF BIKES.

( shuddering pleasurably )

( laughter )

JOGGING.

OH... YEAH.

I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY.

( scattered applause )

YOU ESCAPED, HUH?

GOOD FOR YOU.

BECAUSE MAN, IT ISFALLING DOWN, MY FRIEND.

YOU DON'T REALLY REALIZE

HOW MUCH A BIG CITYCAN NUMB YOUR BRAIN

UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENSTO ILLUSTRATE THAT.

NOW, THIS HAPPENEDTWO WEEKS AGO.

I'M USING A PAY PHONEON THE STREET.

TWO COP CARS PULL UPONTO THE SIDEWALK.

FOUR COPS GET OUT,DRAW THEIR GUNS

TO INVESTIGATE THE STORERIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

AND MY ONLY RESPONSEWAS TO GO, "OH, JESUS."

( laughter )

NOT LIKE, "THEY HAVE GUNS;I'LL CALL YOU BACK"

BUT, "OH, IT MIGHTGET LOUD IN A SECOND.

( laughter )

"HEY, COULD YOU SPEAK UP?

THERE'S GUNPLAY ON THIS END."

ANYTIME YOU USE A PAY PHONEIN NEW YORK CITY

YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE CALLINGFROM THAT HOTEL IN THE GULF:

"THINGS ARE STARTING TO HAPPENIN THE AIR HERE."

( laughter )

"LOOKS LIKE SCUDS ARE COMING IN.

THIS IS A BADNEIGHBORHOOD, MAN."

( laughter )

THAT WAS SORT OF A SHORT WAR

AND GEORGE BUSH KEPT INSISTINGTHAT IF YOU HAD THE VIETNAM TAPE

YOU COULD RECORD RIGHT OVER ITWITH THE GULF.

IT WOULD ERASETHE VIETNAM SYNDROME.

NOW, I'VE DONE SOME READING

AND I THINK A SOLDIERIN VIETNAM 24 HOURS A DAY

PROBABLY LOOKEDSOMETHING LIKE THIS:

"WHERE ARE THEY?

"I CAN HEAR THEM.

"THEY'RE SHOOTING--WHERE ARE THEY?"

WHEREAS A SOLDIER IN THE GULFLOOKED SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

( laughter )

"TURN ON THAT TV.

LET'S SEE IF WE HIT ANYTHING."

( cheering and applause )

"HEY, THEY'RE SHOWING ITOVER AND OVER AGAIN.

"I THINK I'M GETTINGA MEDAL FOR THIS.

PURPLE HEART-- I SPRAINEDMY THUMB-- PURPLE HEART!"

I THINK IT'S A TRAVESTY.

I SAY WE VOTE OUTTHE U.S. GOVERNMENT

GET RID OF THE U.S. MILITARY,GET RID OF THE COPS.

IT WILL BE WEIRD FOR A WHILE,MY FRIENDS

BUT I THINK EVENTUALLYWE'LL ALL BREAK INTO TRIBES

AND CREATE OUR OWN MYTHOLOGIES,DON'T YOU?

YOU SORT OF PICK AND CHOOSE.

JUST WALK UPTO A NOMADIC GROUP OF PEOPLE

AND GO, "HEY,WHAT TRIBE ARE YOU?"

"THIS IS THE TRIBE OF SEUSS.

THE CAT IN THE HATIS OUR SAVIOR."

( laughter )

"I THINK I CAN HANG OUT HEREFOR A FEW MINUTES."

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO READFROM THE SCRIPTURES?"

"YEAH, SURE.

OH, I GET TO WEAR THE BIG HAT."

( laughter )

I GUESS WE ARESPIRITUALLY BANKRUPT

TO A CERTAIN DEGREE.

I THINK IT'S BECAUSE GOD DOESN'TTALK TO PEOPLE LIKE HE USED TO.

I MEAN, YOU READ THE BIBLE--IT WAS LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY:

"ABRAHAM

"THIS IS GOD.

"GO TO THE MOUNTAIN,BRING YOUR KID, KILL HIM.

I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND."

( laughter )

WHO'S HE TALKING TO NOW, MAN?

WHAT IF HE TALKED TO ME?

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'D REACT.

3:30 IN THE MORNING:"MARK, THIS IS GOD.

I NEED YOU TO DOSOMETHING FOR ME."

IT'S 3:30, MAN.

( laughter )

TELL YOU WHAT.

FAX ME THE COMMANDMENTS.

I'LL GET ON IT TOMORROW.

( wild cheering and applause )

AND THEN I THINK TO MYSELF

HEY, MAYBE HE'S TALKINGTO THOSE GUYS

YOU SEE WALKING DOWN THE STREETTALKING TO THEMSELVES--

THOSE GUYS WHO ARE LIKE,"I CAN'T, NO, I CAN'T.

I CAN'T."

MAYBE GOD'S GOING,"YOU'RE THE NEW LEADER.

YOU'RE THE NEW LEADER."

"I CAN'T,I GOT TO COLLECT GARBAGE.

LEAVE ME ALONE."

( laughter )

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINKTHAT JESUS IS COMING BACK.

THAT'S FINE, THAT'S YOUR RIGHT,BUT I LIVE IN NEW YORK.

I THINK HE'S RUNNINGA LITTLE LATE.

AND I'M ASKING MYSELF,ALL RIGHT, WHAT HAPPENS

IF JESUS COMES BACK TOMORROW?

WHAT, DOES HE MAKE ROUNDSTO CHURCHES?

"OKAY, EVERYONE WHO'S BEEN GOOD,BUSES LEAVE IN TEN MINUTES.

"I'LL MEET YOU IN FRONTOF THE POST OFFICE.

"I GOT TO GO.

"OH, DON'T TELLTHE JEWS I'M BACK.

OKAY."

( cheering and applause )

OR..

OR DON'T YOU THINK, IN THE DAYAND AGE WE LIVE IN NOW

SOMETHING LIKETHE SECOND COMING MIGHT REQUIRE

A PUBLICITY CAMPAIGN?

"SECOND COMING WORLD TOUR!

THE KING OF BEERS BRINGS YOUTHE KING OF KINGS..."

( laughter )

"IN A 50-STATE, 60-COUNTRYGLOBAL EXTRAVAGANZA.

"IF YOU POP OPEN AN ICE-COLD BUDAND GET THE BLOOD OF CHRIST

"WE'LL SEND YOUAND TWO OF YOUR FRIENDS

"TO JERUSALEM FORTHE JUDGMENT DAY BASH.

"SIT RINGSIDE,PARTY WITH THE APOSTLES.

"DON'T MISS IT.

"AND DON'T MISSTHE BIG TRACTOR PULL

BEFORE THE TRANSCENDENCEOF SOULS."

( laughter )

AND THE FUNNY THINGABOUT THAT IS

YOU KNOW PEOPLE WILL BEWALKING OUT OF THAT CONCERT

GOING, "YEAH, IT WAS ALL RIGHT.

"I MEAN, I THINK HE WAS BETTER

WHEN HE HAD THE ORIGINALAPOSTLES WITH HIM."

THANK YOU!

GOOD NIGHT.

( cheering and applause )

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