Extended - Thursday, April 30, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 04/30/2015

Nate Bargatze, Steve Rannazzisi and Nikki Glaser learn about a hipster dino, define #CountryMusicIn5Words and list Kentucky Derby horses in this extended, uncensored episode.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)THERE'S THE GRAPHIC THAT

CONNOTES THIS PART OF THE SHOW.

THIS WEEKEND, WELTERWEIGHT BOXERAND HEAVYWEIGHT BALLADEER MANNY

PACQUIAO IS TAKING ON FLOYD"MONEY" MAYWEATHER IN LAS VEHAS,

A SPECTACLE WITH ONLY SLIGHTLYLESS TESTOSTERONE THAN "FURIOUS

7."

(LAUGHTER)THE WORLD HAS BEEN WAITING FOR

THIS.

THREE YEARS AGO, TAIWANESE NEWSCREATED ONE OF THEIR BONKERS

AMAZING ANIMATIONS ABOUT THEEVENTUAL FIGHT NIGHT.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING HAPPENSIN THE VIDEO?

A: PACQUIAO WATCHES A COCKFIGHT,B: MGM GRAND HOTEL BLOWS UP,

C: A GIANT BAG OF MONEY LANDS ONMAYWEATHER?

WHICH ONE OF THOSE?

(BELL DINGS)YES. NATE.

>> UH, WHICH...?

I'LL SAY, "A GIANT BAG OF MONEYLANDS ON MAYWEATHER."

>> HARDWICK: WELL, WE'RE ALLWINNERS, 'CAUSE IT'S ALL OF 'EM.

TAKE A LOOK.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: THERE'S THECOCKFIGHT.

THERE'S THAT.

AND HE'S BLOWING UP THE HOTELINSTEAD OF BEING IN THERE

FIGHTING.

AND... OH, DIDN'T MENTION...

HEY.

>> OH, MAN!

(APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

VEGAS IS WEIRD.

THAT'S HOW THEY PAY YOU.

THEY JUST FILL FILL A SACK OFGOLD, AND THEY DROP IT ON SOME

POOR BASTARD...

>> AND YOU STAY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH?

>> WHATEVER HAPPENS IN VEGAS,YOU STAY IN VEGAS.

>> HARDWICK: YOU STAY, YEAH.

YEAH, YOU DON'T LEAVE.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YOU DON'T LEAVE.

NOW, EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT A BOXINGFAN, YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN

MAYWEATHER'SRELIGIOUSLY-FOLLOWED INSTAGRAM.

HERE'S A LITTLE TASTE.

UH, THIS "27 REASONS FLOYDMAYWEATHER IS THE GOD OF

INSTAGRAM" OFF OF BUZZFEED.

>> ♪ HYPNOTIZE MEWITH YOUR EYES... ♪

>> HARDWICK: NOW, TO READ THECAPTION HERE...

"THIS IS HOW I GET MY DAYSTARTED EVERY DAY!"

MR. MY LIFE IS THE SHIT.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)THERE HE IS TAKING... GET A

SPONGE BATH.

>> HIS MOM LOOKS GREAT.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HARDWICK: SHUT UP! NIKKI!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NO!

DON'T!

HE'S GONNA TAKE THAT SHIT OUT OFME, NOT YOU.

(LAUGHTER)MR. MAYWEATHER, I HUMBLY

APOLOGIZE FOR... NIKKI SPEAKINGOUT OF TURN, AND I HOPE YOU

UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVE TO GIVEHER POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)I'M SORRY.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)I THINK IT'S PRETTY RAD TO GET A

SPONGE BATH FROM A SULTRY LADYTO THE SULTRY SOUNDS OF "I LIKE"

BY GUY.

IT'D NOT WHAT I LIKE, BUT IT'SBETTER THAN A PACQUIAO TRACK, I

GUESS.

UH, COMEDIANS, IF MAYWEATHERSTARTS HIS DAY LIKE THIS, WHAT

DOES THE ECCENTRIC MILLIONAIREDO NEXT? NATE?

>> UH, HE LET'S JUSTIN BIEBERCOME UP FOR AIR.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, AGAIN, AGAIN,FLOYD...

FLOYD...

FLOYD... MR. MAY...

FIRST OF ALL, POINTS.

FLOYD...

(LAUGHTER)MR. MAYWEATHER, I AM SO SORRY.

I-I TAKE NO RESPON...

YOU KNOW HOW AT THE BEGINNINGOF... SOMETIMES THEY'LL BE,

LIKE, "THE OPINIONS, WE'RE,LIKE, DO NOT EXPRESS THOSE..."

THE, THE, THE. I AM...

THIS IS NOT MY OPINION.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)THAT IS NOT OPINION.

UH, MY FACE IS MALLEABLE ANDPUNCHABLE.

AND YOU ARE A TITAN, AND, UH,I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY FOR THE HEINOUSBEHAVIOR YOU'VE SEEN HERE.

STEVE, I'M SURE YOU'VE GOTSOMETHING NICE.

>> WELL, HE PUTS ON HIS PANDASKIN UNDIES WHICH FEEL GREAT ON

HIS "D."

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

THAT ACTUALLY MIGHT BE...

>> YEAH.

PROBABLY NOT GREAT ON HIS"A"...

>> HARDWICK: NO.

>> ...BUT GREAT ON THE "D."

>> HARDWICK: AND ALSO,IRONICALLY, THE MOST ACTION THAT

PANDA HAD ITS ENTIRE LIFE.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS TO STEVE.

UH, MOVING ON.

THE INTERNET'S NEWEST HEARTTHROBISN'T A WISPY MEMBER OF A

BRITISH BOY BAND OR A CAT THATCAN MEOW THE "CLARISSA EXPLAINS

IT ALL" THEME SONG.

(LAUGHTER)OH, NIKKI, DID YOU WANT TO HAVE

AN ANSWER, TOO?

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT...

OH, 'CAUSE YOU SAID THE FIRSTTHING...

>> I REALLY, I KNOW, I TOTALLY,I'M SORRY.

YOU-YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

>> HARDWICK: GET THE MAYWEATHERBULLSHIT BACK HERE.

>> I REALLY LIKED MINE.

>> HARDWICK: COME ON.

NIKKI GLASER?

>> I'M PRETTY SURE HE RETURNEDTHE FAVOR AND GAVE HER A FACIAL.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: THERE'S NOTHING...

I MEAN...

(APPLAUSE)MOVING ON, THE INTERNET'S NEWEST

HEARTTHROB ISN'T A WISPYMEMBER OF A BRITISH BOY BAND

OR A CAT THAT CAN MEOW THE"CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL" THEME

SONG...

(LAUGHTER)GOD, THAT WOULD BE RAD.

IT'S AN ADORABLY, NEWLYDISCOVERED DINOSAUR CALLED THE

CHILESAURUS, WHICH IS THIS.

NOW, ONE AMAZING FACT ABOUT THISLITTLE EXTINCT NUBBIN, IS THAT

DESPITE LOOKING LIKE AFEROCIOUS RAPTOR, HE WAS

ACTUALLY A VEGETARIAN.

OH... SO HE WAS ANNOYING.

UH... NO, I'M KIDDING.

I'M KIDDING.

(LAUGHTER)UNIVERSITY OF BIRMINGHAM TWEETED

THIS PHOTO AND IT LEAD TO MEMESLIKE THIS... RIGHT HERE.

(LAUGHTER)"I ONLY EAT VEGETABLES.

ALL MY FOOD IS UNDERGROUND."

SO HE'S LESS FROM JURASSIC PARKAND MORE FROM HIGHLAND PARK.

THAT'S A LOCAL REFERENCE...

FROM LOS ANGELES, AND I FEEL BADIF YOU DON'T GET IT.

UH, BUT...

(APPLAUSE)EVERYONE'S GOT A HIGHLAND PARK

OR A PARK SLOPE SOMEWHERE.

SOMETHING WITH A PARK AND ABUNCH OF HIPSTERS.

COMEDIANS, AS THE PALEONTOLOGISTWHO DISCOVERED THE WORLD'S FIRST

HIPSTER DINOSAUR, GIVE ME SOMEFACTS ABOUT THIS STRANGE

SPECIES.

STEVE?

>> HE SADLY WENT EXTINCT BECAUSEHIS FIXED-GEAR BICYCLE COULDN'T

OUTRUN ANY PREDATORS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)NIKKI?

>> HE, UH, HE HATES "THE BIGBANG THEORY" YET HE DIED IN IT.

>> HARDWICK: OH, SO GOOD!

POINTS.

(BRITISH ACCENT): IT'S NOW TIMEFOR A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE FROM

OUR CONTINUOUS 24-HOUR COVERAGEOF ROYAL BABY WATCH 2015.

(CHEERING)YES.

I KNOW.

ALL RIGHT, SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP, YOU DAFT CUNTS!

(NORMAL VOICE): KATE MIDDLETON,THE DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE, IS DUE

TO GIVE BIRTH ANY DAY NOW TO ANHEIR WHO WILL ONE DAY DRIVE THE

WHITE WALKERS NORTH OF THE WALLFOR GOOD.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)IN HONOR OF THIS, WHAT NEW

BRITISH FOOD PROMOTION ISHAPPENING?

A) A HUMAN BREAST MILK ICE CREAMCALLED ROYAL BABY GAGA?

B) SUPERMARKETS ARE GIVING AWAYFREE BABY CARROTS?

OR, C) A BREAKFAST CEREAL CALLEDPLACENT-O'S?

(AUDIENCE GROANS)(BELL DINGS)

>> WHOA.

>> HARDWICK: WHICH YOU KNOWWOULD BE IN A BAG AT THE BOTTOM

OF THE...

NATE?

>> UH, I'M GOING TO GO A)A HUMAN BREAST MILK ICE CREAM

CALLED ROYAL BABY GAGA.

>> HARDWICK: YES, DELICIOUSLY,THE ANSWER IS "A."

>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: UH, THERE IS IS.

BRITISH ICE CREAMERY THELICKTATOR.

>> EW.

>> HARDWICK: THE LICKTATOR ISRELEASING ROYAL BABY GAGA MADE

FROM REAL BREAST MILK IN HOPESOF INSPIRING THE DUCHESS OF

CAMBRIDGE AND OTHER MOTHERSWORLDWIDE, UH, OF THE BENEFITS

OF BREASTFEEDING.

SO, COMEDIANS...

(LAUGHTER)CAN YOU EAT THE ICE CREAM?

LIKE, IS IT SERVED LIKE, IN ABOOB?

LIKE YOU...

>> YOU CAN'T EAT IT IN PUBLIC.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: 100 POINTS TO NATE

FOR THAT.

(APPLAUSE)BUT THANKFULLY NOW YOU CAN

POST YOURSELF EATING PICTURE OFIT ON INSTAGRAM.

THEY'RE WIDENING THEIR RULES.

BUT I WOULD LIKE YOU GUYS TOGIVE ME THE NAME OF AN ICE CREAM

FLAVOR MADE FROM HUMAN BREASTMILK.

NATE?

>> UM, MOM-SHMALLOW.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

STEVE?

>> OREOLA AND CREAM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

EXCELLENT.

WELL DONE.

NIKKI?

>> IT'S NOT YOUR MAMA'S ICE...

YEAH, IT IS, ACTUALLY.

IT IS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(WHOOPING, CHEERING)TODAY IS COUNTRY MUSIC LEGEND

AND VERY RECREATIONAL DRUG USERWILLIE NELSON'S 82ND BIRTHDAY.

HERE'S A RANDOM PICTURE OF THEBIRTHDAY BOY WITH HIS BFF SNOOP

DOGG.

BASED ON HOW SERIOUS THEY LOOKIN THIS PHOTO, I'M ASSUMING

THEY'RE DISCUSSING THE THEORY OFQUANTUM ENTANGLEMENT.

(LAUGHTER)BUT NO ONE HAS BROUGHT MORE

MEANING TO THE COUNTRY MUSICWORLD THAN WILLIE, SO IN HONOR

OF HIM, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#COUNTRYMUSICIN5WORDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE#DOGSDEADNOWI'MDRUNK.

OR... #TOBYKEITHISJESUSCHRIST!

OR...

#VEHICULARMANSLAGHTERWITHABOAT.

(LAUGHTER)I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

NIKKI?

>> #THEFOXNEWSOFMUSIC.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)STEVE.

>> #MEXICANSGOBACKTOBRAZIL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

STEVE?

>>#DRINKINGSCHLITZWITHSAGGYTITS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)GOOD RHYME.

>> #STEVEWILKOSTAKETHEWHEEL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NATE?

>> #Y'ALLAIN'TFROMAROUNDHERE.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: THAT IS THE

SUBTEXT, YES.

POINTS.

NIKKI?

>> #I'MPOORBUTSOMEHOWREPUBLICAN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RANNAZZISI.

>> #GAYMARRIAGEISFORQUEERS.

>> HARDWICK: IT LITERALLY IS.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)NATE.

>> #HEYYOURCOUNTRYISSTUPID.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NATE.

>> #IAMFROMAROUNDHERE.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYSHE'S CROWNING.

(CHEERING)NIKKI, THERE'S A SOUR LOOK ON

YOUR FACE.

>> I JUST, I'M REALIZING WHATTHAT MEANS.

I, LIKE, SAW IT, BUT YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW, IT MAYNOT MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.

>> OKAY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> WELL, LET'S SEE.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

MY BABY!

>> NO, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT,CHRIS!

>> HARDWICK: NO, NO, NO, NO.

>> AND IT'S WEARING A KING'S HATAT IT COMES OUT.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S WEARING AKING'S... OH, SO PAINFUL.

WHY DID I LET THAT KING'S HATFUCK ME?

(LAUGHTER)TO GIVE BIRTH...

>> JUST FUCKING A KING'S HAT?

OH, GOD.

>> DID IT FOR THE MONEY.

>> HARDWICK: ALSO, I DON'T THINKTHEY CALL IT A KING'S HAT.

HEY, THAT'S A GREAT KING'S HATYOU GOT ON THERE.

WHAT ARE YOU, THE KING, HUH?

YOU GOT THE KING HAT.

WHAT IS THAT?

>> KING'S HAT.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT DO YOU GOT,THAT, UH, WHAT DO YOU GOT THAT,

UH, THAT THRONE, HUH?

THAT-THAT, WHAT DO YOU GOT, THATSWORD CHAIR UP THERE?

>> SWORD...

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, I THINKWE CAN ALL AGREE THAT BEAUTY

PAGEANTS ARE RELICS OF A BYGONEERA THAT EXIST ONLY TO TREAT

WOMEN LIKE OBJECTS.

WHAT? NO?

(APPLAUSE)NO APPLAUSE, PLEASE.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)DON'T APPLAUD THAT.

I'M JUST TELLING IT LIKE IT IS.

I FIGURE THE BEST WAY TO SOCK ITTO THE PATRIARCHY IS TO GOOF ON

STRANGE PICTURES FROM BIZARREBEAUTY PAGEANTS ON THIS FAKE

GAME SHOW.

SO I'M GOING SHOW YOU SOMEUNUSUAL BEAUTY PAGEANT PHOTOS.

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU'RE GOING TOTELL ME WHAT THE CONTESTANT'S

SPECIAL TALENT IS.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ONE.

(LAUGHTER)IS IT THIS WINNER OF THE SAUSAGE

QUEEN CONTEST?

(BELL DINGS)UH, YES, NIKKI.

>> SHE HAS TWO SETS OF MEATCURTAINS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

OR, UH, SHE WAS ENSLAVED BY AWIENERSCHNITZEL.

>> OR THAT.

>> HARDWICK: STEVE.

>> LACK OF A GAG REFLEX?

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

>> IT'S A LOT.

>> HARDWICK: NATE.

>> MAKING ALL OF THAT SAUSAGEDISAPPEAR?

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

AND, I MEAN, THAT COULD...

>> YOU DON'T KNOW.

>> HARDWICK: YOU DON'T KNOW HOW.

>> YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'SGOING.

>> HARDWICK: SHE COULD THROW ITAWAY.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE, HOW ABOUT THESEINMATES AT THE MISS SYMPATHY

PAGEANT AT A COLOMBIAN PRISON?

(BELL DINGS)(CHUCKLES)

COBRA!

NATE.

>> UH, GIVING STITCHES TOSNITCHES.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

STEVE.

>> TURNING THOSE BABY MAKERSINTO STORAGE UNITS.

>> HARDWICK: SHIT.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> UH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEIRTALENT IS, BUT IT'S NOT WALKING

FREE.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> WHAT'S NOT THERE TO LIKE?

I DON'T KNOW.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, THESESOON-TO-BE HOT MAMAS FROM

HOUSTON'S PREGNANT BIKINIPAGEANT.

UH, YES, NATE.

>> UH, NOT KNOWING WHO THEFATHER IS.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

POINTS.

NUMBER SEVEN.

>> IT'S, UH, IT'S BEEN A ROUGHONE.

>> YEAH.

>> AND NUMBER SEVEN LOOKS LIKETHEY PUT THE BABY BACK IN HER.

>> HARDWICK: UH... UH, THISISN'T DONE YET.

GONNA GIVE THIS A LITTLE...

>> SHOVE IT BACK IN.

>> HARDWICK: LITTLE MORE TIME INTHERE.

THIS ONE DON'T WANT TO COME OUT.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

MISS KLINGON EMPIRE.

MISS KLINGON EMPIRE.

(BELL DINGS)NIKKI.

>> UH, FITTING INTO A SMALL,BRONZE LAMP?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> GETTING MOTORBOATED BYCAPTAIN KIRK.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS, SHEWOULD HAVE.

>> SPOCK.

YEAH, WHY NOT?

>> HARDWICK: I WANT YOU TO SUCKMY COCK.

>> DO IT!

BLOW ME NOW.

SPOCK, GET YOUR COCK OUT.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NO, I GOTSPOCK-BLOCKED AGAIN.

NATE.

>> SHE REPELS MEN.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

WELL, HUMAN MEN, HUMAN MEN.

>> NOT THAT GUY.

>> NO, NO, THAT GUY IN THE BACK.

>> HARDWICK: NO.

SERIOUS.

>> THAT GUY IN THE BACK IS INTOIT.

>> HARDWICK: THIS GUY'S-THISGUY'S SPORTING A SERIOUS KLINGON

WARBIRD DOWN HERE.

LAST ONE, FOR A FINAL TREAT, WEHAVE THIS DISTURBING ARCHIVAL

FOOTAGE.

>> THOSE MEN HAVE TO PICK THELOVELIEST LEGS OF THE BUNCH.

AND THE PILLOWCASES OUGHT TOKEEP THEM FROM BEING DISTRACTED.

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: IT'S ALL.. YES,

NATE.

>> UH, NOT ASKING QUESTIONS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> LETTING ME PUT MY SACK ONTHEIR FACE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> OH, IT... UH, IMPERSONATINGMICHAEL JACKSON'S CHILDREN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> GOOD.

>> HARDWICK: LOOK AT THESELOVELY LADIES AND THEIR

BEAUTIFUL LEGS, WALKING THEIRWAY TO THE MISS KLAN USA.

IT'S TIME FORPOSSIBLY THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME

WE'VE EVER PLAYED ON @MIDNIGHT.

I WANT YOU TO BUCKLE UP, EMMYVOTERS.

HERE COMES FOOD, PORN OR RIPTORN.

YEAH.

WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU A GOOGLEIMAGE BLOWN WAY THE F UP.

YOU HAVE TO DECIDE WHETHERYOU'RE LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF

FOOD, PORN OR VETERAN CHARACTERACTOR RIP TORN.

SOUND GOOD, RIP?

IT SURE FUCKIN' DOES.

ALL RIGHT.

FIRST ONE, THIS BROWN, YELLOWBLUR THING-- IS THIS FOOD, PORN

OR RIP TORN, STEVE?

>> PORN.

>> HARDWICK: UH... YOU SEEM VERYSURE.

>> YUP.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, THE CORRECTANSWER IS...

PORN, YOU WERE RIGHT.

>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: HUH.

AT LEAST HE CAN WIPE UP HIS OWNCOME.

>> YEAH, WHAT I...

>> THERE'S NO CANVAS BAG LYINGAROUND.

>> WHAT'S WITH THE ASTRONAUT'SHELMET OVER THERE?

WHERE ARE THEY GOING AFTER THISTHING?

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T KNOW, I...

>> OH, THAT?

SHE'S THE SQUIRREL, SHE WEARSTHAT IN THE OCEAN-- SHE'S SANDY

SQUIRREL, YEAH.

>> THERE IT IS.

>> HARDWICK: FINALLY, IT'S THELOVE STORY YOU WANTED TO SEE.

>> YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> HARDWICK: FOR THE LONGESTTIME.

LET'S NOT... LET'S LOOK AT HERSTARFISH.

HEY, SPONGEBOB.

>> THERE IT IS.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT YOU PUTTIN' INME?

THAT'S...

IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT-- THE LATESHOW'S A LITTLE BLUE.

THAT'S A STILL FROM THEDECIDEDLY NOT-FOR-KIDS

"SPONGEKNOB SQUARENUTS", WHICHYOU CAN SEE ON DICKELODEON.

NEXT ONE, THIS AMBIGUOUSSPLOTCH.

FOOD, PORN OR RIP TORN?

NIKKI GLASER.

>> RIP TORN.

>> HARDWICK: UH, LET'S SEE.

>> OH!

>> HARDWICK: UH, NO, THAT'S,UH...

>> IT'S PORN.

>> IS THAT FOOD PORN?

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S PORN?

I DARE YOU TO GET HARD TO THAT.

>> WHOOPS.

>> WELL, HE'S LOST A BUNCH OFWEIGHT, I THINK.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S PORN IN THESENSE THAT THERE'S A BIG OLD DOG

IN THE MOUTH OF A MIDDLE-AGEDDUDE.

NEXT ONE, HERE'S ANOTHER, HERE'SANOTHER.

COULD BE FLESH, COULD BECHOCOLATE.

FOOD, PORN OR RIP TORN?

NATE.

>> UH, I WANT TO GO-- COULD BE AMIX OF ALL THREE-- BUT I'LL GO,

UH, RIP TORN.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

NOPE, PORN.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> HARDWICK: YUP.

>> I WENT TO DISNEY WORLDRECENTLY, AND THAT... WE DID NOT

SEE THAT PART.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S NOT INTHERE.

>> I FEEL LIKE HE... THE BEASTIS TRYING TO WATCH TV AND SHE'S

IN HIS WAY.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, COULD BELIVER SPOTS, COULD BE LIVER

PâTé-- WHO KNOWS?

FOOD, PORN OR RIP TORN, NIKKI.

>> RIP TORN, WHICH IS ALSO WHATI TYPE IN WHEN I'M GOOGLING

PORN.

MY FAVORITE KIND.

>> HARDWICK: I GOT TO GIVE YOU100 POINTS FOR THAT, AND LET'S

FIND OUT.

IT'S RIP TORN!

>> YEAH!

>> UGH.

>> IT'S LIKE IF HE WALKED IN ONYOU WATCHING PORN.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: ARE YOU WATCHINGDISNEY CARTOONS FUCK EACH OTHER?

ATTABOY.

LAST ONE, IT'S A TOUGH ONE.

COULD BE A PICKLED MACKEREL,COULD BE A PUCKERED BUNGHOLE.

WE DON'T KNOW.

STEVE.

>> FOOD.

>> HARDWICK: UH...

THE CALL, THE CORRECT ANSWERIS...

ALSO RIP TORN.

>> OH, HEY.

THAT'S, UH...

>> HARDWICK: WHO, I THINK WOULDTELL YOU, HE IS NOT EDIBLE.

>> THAT'S, UH, THAT'S ALSO THEFACE HE WOULD MAKE IF HE WALKED

IN ON YOU WATCHING PORN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> IT'S A LITTLE PRICIER.

AS WE JUMP TO

OUR NEXT GAME, KENTUCKY DERPY.

KENTUCKY DERPY.

WELL, FOLKS, THE KENTUCKY DERBYIS UPON US.

UH, I'M EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

I WAS BORN IN LOUISVILLE,KENTUCKY.

THAT MAKES ME NOT REALLY THATRELATED TO THIS HORSE RACE.

UH, BUT IT IS THAT FESTIVEOCCASION WHERE THOUSANDS OF

SOUTHERN GENTLE REDNECKS IN HATSGATHER TO MAKE ASSES OF

THEMSELVES FOR FUN AND SPORT,ESPECIALLY THIS GUY.

>> ...UM, WEAKENED TO FINISHBACK AT THE REAR OF THE FIELD...

>> HARDWICK: UH-OH!

HONESTLY THOUGH, HOW AMAZING IFTHEY HAD POOPED IN TANDEM?

LIKE, HOW AMAZING IF THEY...

WELL, LET'S NOT LET A PASTYWHITE GUY BUTT DISTRACT US FROM

WHAT THIS EVENT IS ALL ABOUT,CRAZY HORSE NAMES.

PAST RACES HAVE FEATURED HORSESWITH NAMES LIKE BODACIOUS TATAS

OR WHATAMICHOPPEDLIVER AND, OFCOURSE, TURDUCKEN.

THOSE WERE ALL REAL HORSE NAMESTHAT HAVE COMPETED.

SO, COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TOCOME UP WITH AS MANY KENTUCKY

DERBY-WORTHY HORSE NAMES AS YOUCAN IN 60 SECONDS.

AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)YES, STEVE.

>> FUNNY YOU DON'T LOOKGLUE-ISH.

>> HARDWICK: VERY GOOD. POINTS.

>> THANKS.

(BELL DINGS)NIKKI.

>> HYMEN BREAKER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)NATE.

>> UH, HOOF BLITZER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)NIKKI.

>> AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FORHATS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)NIKKI.

>> GUY WHO RODE ME THROUGH THEDESERT I DO HAVE A NAME IT'S

FUCKING BARRY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)STEVE.

>> LOOK AT THE DONG ON THAT ONE.

>> HARDWICK: DEFINITELY. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)NIKKI.

>> SECRETLY A REALLY BIG DOG.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO NIKKI FORTHAT.

(BELL DINGS)MR. BARGATZE.

>> UH, DENNIS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OF COURSE.

I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.

WHY CAN'T I HAVE A PERSON NAME?

(BELL DINGS)STEVE.

>> UH, BORN IN THE U.S. OF HAY!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.