Somerville, Buteau, Levin, Maniscalco

  • Season 9, Ep 902
  • 12/02/2005

Michael Somerville's parents ignore him, Michelle Buteau denies she's a Jamaican nanny, Todd Levin knows he looks aggressively Jewish, and Sebastian Maniscalco goes clubbing.

MISS MICHELLE, IF YOU'RE NASTY. WHAT-- WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]

- WHY PEOPLE LOVE THAT...? UM... - [LAUGHTER]

I LIVE HERE IN MANHATTAN. VERY NICE NEIGHBORHOOD,

VERY NICE BUILDING,BUT I HAPPEN TO BE THE ONLY ONE,

UNDER 60 AND NOT JEWISH IN MY BUILDING. SHALOM.

- UM... - [LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS COOL. THAT'S COOL.

BUT EVERYONE THINKS I'M A JAMAICAN NANNY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

AND I DON'T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? JUST BECAUSE THEY MIGHT SMELL A LITTLE WEED COMING OUT

OF MY APARTMENT,HA-HA-HA! CUZ YOU KNOW.

SHE KNOWS.

OR BECAUSE I CARRY AROUND

A LITTLE WHITE BABY IN MY KNAPSACK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHOOT, I AM BROKEAND LITTLE WHITE BABIESARE GOOD MONEY.

HA-HA! WHO SAID IT? I SAID IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND DATING IN THE CITY,I GET A LOT OF THIS

WHOLE NEW PHENOMENON.HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THIS?

I GET THE BLACK BOY THAT WANTS TO BE WHITE

AND THE WHITE BOYTHAT WANTS TO BE BLACK.

MY CHOICES ARETIGER WOODS AND EMINEM.HOW'D THAT HAPPEN?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M JUST SAYING, THOUGH,I'M JUST SAYING.

BUT YOU KNOW BLACK OR WHITE,

I'M A BIG FAN OFINTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. I AM.

I FEEL LIKE, TWO UGLY PEOPLE FROM TWO DIFFERENT RACES,

WILL ALWAYS HAVE A CUTE KID. RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I MEAN, THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT

YOU GUYS SHOULDN'T CARE WHAT COLOR SOMEONE IS, RIGHT?

WE'RE ALL THE SAME COLOR IN THE DARK.

[LAUGHTER]

WE JUST TASTE A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

HA! WHO'S DONE THE RESEARCH?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BUT THIS IS SUCH A COOL JOB-- COMEDY.

I MEAN, I USED TO BE A TELEMARKETER.

- [LAUGHTER] - FORGET YOU. NO--

IT'S A HARD JOB, 8 HOURS A DAY.PEOPLE HANGING UP ON YOU.

I STARTED TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

SO I WOULD CALL DURING THE DAYAND THE HOUSEWIVES WOULD ANSWER.

I USED TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN. INSTEAD OF SAYING,

[Natural Voice] "HI, CAN IPLEASE SPEAK TO MR. BOB SMITH?"

'CAUSE THAT'S MY WHITE VOICE, I GOT TO SELL STUFF.

[LAUGHTER]

BLACK PEOPLE KNOW.

INSTEAD OF SAYING THAT,I'LL BE, LIKE,

[Heavy Breathing]

"HI...

IS BOB THERE?"

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THEY WOULD, LIKE, FREAK OUT. AND THEY'D BE, LIKE--

"UM, WHO'S THIS?" AND I'D BE, LIKE, "OH.

OH, NEVER MIND. I'LL JUST CALL BACK LATER."

THANK YOU, NEW YORK. YOU'VE BEEN MORE THAN DELICIOUS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S FUN, HUH, GUYS. THAT'S FUN.

REAL CLASSY WOMENAT THE NIGHTCLUBS, HUH, GUYS?

COULD PICK A WIFE OUT OF THERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THESE WOMEN COME OUT WEARING TODAY.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE CLUBBING WEAR-- WHATEVER THEY GOT?

THEY COME OUT WITHTHE LITTLE HALF TOP ON.

WITH THE WRONG HALF HANGING OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DO A SIT-UP.

PEOPLE ARE EATING.

HAVE A LITTLE CLASS, LADIES. WRAP THE GIFT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND I'M NOT JUST BAGGING ON WOMEN.

THERE'S NO GUYS LEFT, EITHER.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MACHO GUYS,RIGHT? REAL MEN?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

AND LADIES, THIS IS TODAY'S MAN, RIGHT HERE.

TREVOR.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS GUY'S GONNA STICK UP FOR YOU?

THIS IS YOUR PROTECTION?

YOU'RE WALKING HOME ONE NIGHT, A MUGGER COMES OUT OF THE BUSH.

WHAT'S TREVOR GOING TO DO?

SIPPING ON HIS FRAP.

HE CAN'T EVEN THROW HOT COFFEE AT THE GUY.

WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?

GET AWAY FROM US. GET AWAY FROM US.

GOOD NIGHT. MY NAME IS SEBASTIAN.

BRING THE CELL PHONE OUT?

SOME PEOPLE LOVE THEIR PHONE, DON'T THEY?

GO TO A RESTAURANT, THEY'LL TAKE IT OUT OF THEIR POCKET.

LIKE IT'S A DATE. IT'S MY PHONE.

[LAUGHTER]

TECHNOLOGY,THAT'S THE WAY WE COMMUNICATE.

IT'S CHANGING THINGS. I JUST GOT DUMPED RECENTLY.

- Audience: AW.- ON EMAIL.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING, THE EMAILS WERE CUTE.

COULDN'T WAIT TO PUT THE COMPUTER ON.

SUBJECT HEADING WAS ALWAYS FRIENDLY.

THAT "HEY, BABY,

THINKING OF YOU,DOT, DOT, DOT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE WOMEN, YOU TAKE YOUR TIME WITH THE EMAIL.

I WOULD OPEN UP HER EMAIL.

EVERY OTHER WORD WAS A DIFFERENT COLOR.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GET THE DUMP EMAIL.IT'S A DIFFERENT STORY.

SUBJECT HEADING-- NONE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT THE "TAKE CARE"AT THE END. "TAKE CARE"?

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU TELL THE CABBIE

AFTER THE FARE, RIGHT? TAKE CARE, BUDDY,

- I'LL SEE YA. TAKE CARE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- I DIDN'T GIVE SIX WEEKS... - [LAUGHTER]

OF MY LIFE FOR "TAKE CARE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S NICE.YOU KNOW IT'S FUN BEING,

LIKE, A CELEBRITY. 'CAUSE YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET

AND PEOPLE JUST RECOGNIZE-- SOMETIMES, THOUGH, PEOPLE--

- HEY, DAMON!- HEY, BABY. WHAT'S UP?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT FEELS GOOD. SOMETIME PEOPLE CALL YOU

LIKE THEY KNOW YOU, THOUGH.YOU WALKING DOWN THERE.

"DAMON WAYANS!"WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?AND THEN THEY GET MAD,

YOU KNOW IF YOU DON'T, LIKE,ACKNOWLEDGE THEM, YOU KNOW? SAY,

"HEY, DAMON WAYANS, WHAT'S UP?" SAY, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?"

"COME HERE, TALK TO ME,[BLEEP]. COME HERE!"

I'M JUST, LIKE, "MAN, I GOT TO GO."

"MAN, MARLON'STHE FUNNY ONE, ANYWAY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN PEOPLE WANT ME TO ENTERTAIN THEM ALL THE TIME. YOU KNOW?

THEY SAY, "HEY, DO HOMEY THE CLOWN."

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

LIKE--

I CARRY THE SOCK AND THE NOSE WITH ME EVERYWHERE I GO.

"JUST DO THE CLOWN, MAN. DO THE CLOWN."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU SEE, YOU KNOW I WAS ABOUT TO DO IT.

I REALIZE WHAT I NEED TO DO IS START BEING MORE AGGRESSIVE.

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THESE CELEBRITIES

THAT JUST BECOMES A RECLUSE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S WHEN YOU STARTHANGING OUT WITH MONKEYSAND STUFF, YOU KNOW?

SO I THINK WHAT I'M GONNA START DOING IS GOING OUT

AND MEETING THE FANS BEFORE THEY MEET ME.

I'M GONNA GIVE THEM A TASTE OF WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO BE A CELEBRITY.WALK UP TO THEM AND THEYMIGHT BE EATING AT--

"HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?LOOK WHO HERE.

- "DAMON WAYANS! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"OH, THIS YOUR ANNIVERSARY DINNER?

"WELL, LET ME GET SOME. IS THIS THE ANNIVERSARY GIRL?

- "COME HERE GIVE ME A KISS. - [LAUGHTER]

"YEAH, THAT'S DAMON WAYANS' SPIT IN YOUR MOUTH.

"OH, LET I GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOU WANT ME TO GET UP

"AND GET THE HELL OUT OF YOUR FACE

"AND LEAVE YOU AND YOUR WOMAN ALONE

"SO Y'ALL CAN ENJOY THIS NIGHT TOGETHER?

I DON'T THINK SO. HOMEY DON'T PLAY THAT." BAM!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]