Somerville, Buteau, Levin, Sebastian

  • 12/02/2005

Damon Wayans stars in Premium Blend featuring Michael Somerville, Michelle Buteau, Todd Levin, & Sebastian.

I WANT TO TELL YOU A LITTLE ABOUT MYSELF.

I GREW UP THE YOUNGEST OF THREE BOYS.

EVERYONE THINKS THE YOUNGEST HAS IT EASY.

PARENTS TOOK IT EASY ON YOU.

NAH. MORE LIKE THEY IGNORE YOU. I WAS BORN. THEY'RE, LIKE,

LISTEN, YOU'RE NAME IS MICHAEL. THERE'S FOOD IN THE FRIDGE.

DON'T BOTHER US.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. WENT TO COLLEGE. WENT TO NOTRE DAME FOR COLLEGE.

- GOOD SCHOOL. - [APPLAUSE]

YEAH. I APPRECIATE IT. ABSOLUTELY.

MY DAD SAID IT WOULD PREPARE ME FOR THE REAL WORLD.

YEAH. NOTRE DAME, I LEARNED TO DRINK BEER AND CHASE WOMEN.

- PREPARED ME FOR THE NAVY. - [LAUGHTER]

YOU IMAGINE BEHAVINGTHE SAME WAY AT YOUR JOBAS YOU DID IN COLLEGE?

BE ON THE PHONE AT MIDNIGHT, LIKE,

DUDE, I GOT A $40 MILLION BUSINESS PITCH DUE TOMORROW.

I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU BE LIKE, YOU GOT AN OLD ONE I COULD CHANGE THE NAME ON?

[LAUGHTER]

MISS MICHELLE, IF YOU'RE NASTY. WHAT-- WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]

- WHY PEOPLE LOVE THAT...? UM... - [LAUGHTER]

I LIVE HERE IN MANHATTAN. VERY NICE NEIGHBORHOOD,

VERY NICE BUILDING,BUT I HAPPEN TO BE THE ONLY ONE,

UNDER 60 AND NOT JEWISH IN MY BUILDING. SHALOM.

- UM... - [LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS COOL. THAT'S COOL.

BUT EVERYONE THINKS I'M A JAMAICAN NANNY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

AND I DON'T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? JUST BECAUSE THEY MIGHT SMELL A LITTLE WEED COMING OUT

OF MY APARTMENT,HA-HA-HA! CUZ YOU KNOW.

SHE KNOWS.

OR BECAUSE I CARRY AROUND

A LITTLE WHITE BABY IN MY KNAPSACK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHOOT, I AM BROKEAND LITTLE WHITE BABIESARE GOOD MONEY.

HA-HA! WHO SAID IT? I SAID IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND DATING IN THE CITY,I GET A LOT OF THIS

WHOLE NEW PHENOMENON.HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THIS?

I GET THE BLACK BOY THAT WANTS TO BE WHITE

AND THE WHITE BOYTHAT WANTS TO BE BLACK.

MY CHOICES ARETIGER WOODS AND EMINEM.HOW'D THAT HAPPEN?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M JUST SAYING, THOUGH,I'M JUST SAYING.

BUT YOU KNOW BLACK OR WHITE,

I'M A BIG FAN OFINTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. I AM.

I FEEL LIKE, TWO UGLY PEOPLE FROM TWO DIFFERENT RACES,

WILL ALWAYS HAVE A CUTE KID. RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I MEAN, THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT

YOU GUYS SHOULDN'T CARE WHAT COLOR SOMEONE IS, RIGHT?

WE'RE ALL THE SAME COLOR IN THE DARK.

[LAUGHTER]

WE JUST TASTE A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

HA! WHO'S DONE THE RESEARCH?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BUT THIS IS SUCH A COOL JOB-- COMEDY.

I MEAN, I USED TO BE A TELEMARKETER.

- [LAUGHTER] - FORGET YOU. NO--

IT'S A HARD JOB, 8 HOURS A DAY.PEOPLE HANGING UP ON YOU.

I STARTED TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

SO I WOULD CALL DURING THE DAYAND THE HOUSEWIVES WOULD ANSWER.

I USED TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN. INSTEAD OF SAYING,

[Natural Voice] "HI, CAN IPLEASE SPEAK TO MR. BOB SMITH?"

'CAUSE THAT'S MY WHITE VOICE, I GOT TO SELL STUFF.

[LAUGHTER]

BLACK PEOPLE KNOW.

INSTEAD OF SAYING THAT,I'LL BE, LIKE,

[Heavy Breathing]

"HI...

IS BOB THERE?"

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THEY WOULD, LIKE, FREAK OUT. AND THEY'D BE, LIKE--

"UM, WHO'S THIS?" AND I'D BE, LIKE, "OH.

OH, NEVER MIND. I'LL JUST CALL BACK LATER."

THANK YOU, NEW YORK. YOU'VE BEEN MORE THAN DELICIOUS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S FUN, HUH, GUYS. THAT'S FUN.

REAL CLASSY WOMENAT THE NIGHTCLUBS, HUH, GUYS?

COULD PICK A WIFE OUT OF THERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THESE WOMEN COME OUT WEARING TODAY.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE CLUBBING WEAR-- WHATEVER THEY GOT?

THEY COME OUT WITHTHE LITTLE HALF TOP ON.

WITH THE WRONG HALF HANGING OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DO A SIT-UP.

PEOPLE ARE EATING.

HAVE A LITTLE CLASS, LADIES. WRAP THE GIFT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND I'M NOT JUST BAGGING ON WOMEN.

THERE'S NO GUYS LEFT, EITHER.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MACHO GUYS,RIGHT? REAL MEN?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

AND LADIES, THIS IS TODAY'S MAN, RIGHT HERE.

TREVOR.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS GUY'S GONNA STICK UP FOR YOU?

THIS IS YOUR PROTECTION?

YOU'RE WALKING HOME ONE NIGHT, A MUGGER COMES OUT OF THE BUSH.

WHAT'S TREVOR GOING TO DO?

SIPPING ON HIS FRAP.

HE CAN'T EVEN THROW HOT COFFEE AT THE GUY.

WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?

GET AWAY FROM US. GET AWAY FROM US.

GOOD NIGHT. MY NAME IS SEBASTIAN.

I WANT TO TELL YOU A LITTLE ABOUT MYSELF.

I GREW UP THE YOUNGEST OF THREE BOYS.

EVERYONE THINKS THE YOUNGEST HAS IT EASY.

PARENTS TOOK IT EASY ON YOU.

NAH. MORE LIKE THEY IGNORE YOU. I WAS BORN. THEY'RE, LIKE,

LISTEN, YOU'RE NAME IS MICHAEL. THERE'S FOOD IN THE FRIDGE.

DON'T BOTHER US.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. WENT TO COLLEGE. WENT TO NOTRE DAME FOR COLLEGE.

- GOOD SCHOOL. - [APPLAUSE]

YEAH. I APPRECIATE IT. ABSOLUTELY.

MY DAD SAID IT WOULD PREPARE ME FOR THE REAL WORLD.

YEAH. NOTRE DAME, I LEARNED TO DRINK BEER AND CHASE WOMEN.

- PREPARED ME FOR THE NAVY. - [LAUGHTER]

YOU IMAGINE BEHAVINGTHE SAME WAY AT YOUR JOBAS YOU DID IN COLLEGE?

BE ON THE PHONE AT MIDNIGHT, LIKE,

DUDE, I GOT A $40 MILLION BUSINESS PITCH DUE TOMORROW.

I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU BE LIKE, YOU GOT AN OLD ONE I COULD CHANGE THE NAME ON?

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE A RAGING FEAR OF COMMITMENT. I MEAN,

I DON'T EVEN LIKE TO WRITE IN PEN.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I FEEL LIKE WOMEN--I FEEL LIKE YOU LADIES

ALWAYS TRYING TO, LIKE,LABEL THE RELATIONSHIP.

YOU KNOW I WAS OUT TO EAT WITH THIS GIRL, SHE'S LIKE,

"SO, WHAT ARE WE DOING?" "WELL, WE'RE EATING DINNER."

"NO, YOU KNOW,'WHERE IS THIS GOING'?"

I'M, LIKE, "DESSERT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE YOU LADIESASK THE CRAZIEST THINGS.

MY LAST GIRLFRIEND, MAN, SHE ALL QUIET.

SHE'D TURN TO ME LIKE, "WOULD YOU STILL LOVE ME IF I WEIGHED 500 POUNDS?"

I WAS, LIKE, "WHY, IS THAT ONE OF YOUR GOALS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND SHE'D ASK TRICK QUESTIONS. YOU EVER GET THOSE?

OUT OF NOWHERE, "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE?"

"I HOPE THIS ONE'S MULTIPLE CHOICE."

AND THEN SHE'D TEST MY FAITHFULNESS WITH SOME INSANE SCENARIO.

YOU EVER GET THAT ONE, YEAH?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF CAMERON DIAZ CAME TO THE HOUSE

AND SAID SHEWANTED TO SLEEP WITH YOU?

AND I SAID I WOULD BE FAITHFUL 'CAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT IS

NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

BUT LADIES, YOU WANT TO TEST YOUR MAN, ASK A REALISTIC QUESTION.

LIKE, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF MYSISTER WANTED TO SLEEP WITH YOU?

WE'D BE, LIKE, WHY, DID SHE SAY SOMETHING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY MAN IN THIS ROOM KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

BUT I WANT TO BE IN LOVE. I SEE THAT LOVE LOOKS NICE.

YOU SEE THE WOMEN TALKING ABOUT LOVE.

YOU GUYS TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. DO YOU LOVE HIM? I DON'T KNOW.

I REALLY CARE...

BUT I'M NOT SO SURE HE'S GOOD FOR ME.

YOU SEE GUYS AT THE BEACH. DUDE,9:00, WHITE BIKINI, I LOVE HER.

HEY, I'M MICHAEL SOMERVILLE. THANKS. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE.

BRING THE CELL PHONE OUT?

SOME PEOPLE LOVE THEIR PHONE, DON'T THEY?

GO TO A RESTAURANT, THEY'LL TAKE IT OUT OF THEIR POCKET.

LIKE IT'S A DATE. IT'S MY PHONE.

[LAUGHTER]

TECHNOLOGY,THAT'S THE WAY WE COMMUNICATE.

IT'S CHANGING THINGS. I JUST GOT DUMPED RECENTLY.

- Audience: AW.- ON EMAIL.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING, THE EMAILS WERE CUTE.

COULDN'T WAIT TO PUT THE COMPUTER ON.

SUBJECT HEADING WAS ALWAYS FRIENDLY.

THAT "HEY, BABY,

THINKING OF YOU,DOT, DOT, DOT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE WOMEN, YOU TAKE YOUR TIME WITH THE EMAIL.

I WOULD OPEN UP HER EMAIL.

EVERY OTHER WORD WAS A DIFFERENT COLOR.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GET THE DUMP EMAIL.IT'S A DIFFERENT STORY.

SUBJECT HEADING-- NONE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT THE "TAKE CARE"AT THE END. "TAKE CARE"?

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU TELL THE CABBIE

AFTER THE FARE, RIGHT? TAKE CARE, BUDDY,

- I'LL SEE YA. TAKE CARE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- I DIDN'T GIVE SIX WEEKS... - [LAUGHTER]

OF MY LIFE FOR "TAKE CARE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEN HE SAID BROOKLYN, IS IT? NOT AT ALL.

IN FACT LET ME JUSTGET THIS OUT OF THE WAY

BEFORE I EVEN GET INTO ANYTHING.

I'M AWARE THAT I HAVEA CERTAIN LOOK ABOUT ME

THAT SOME MAY CONSIDERAGGRESSIVELY JEWISH.

I KNOW THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S NOT SUBTLE, IS IT?

I FEEL THAT I HAVE TO SAY THAT AT THE TOP

BECAUSE I'M WORRIED THAT FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT

YOU'LL ALL BE LOOKING AT ME LIKE, WE GET IT.

HOW ABOUT TURNING IT DOWN A NOTCH, MOSES?

[LAUGHTER]

I TRAVELED TO GERMANY RECENTLYBECAUSE I HAD A SCORE TO SETTLE.

AND AH...

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - THANK YOU.

IT WAS KIND OF A SCARY TRIP.

BECAUSE EVERYWHERE I GO IN GERMANY,

I WOULD SEE THIS GRAFFITI THAT SAID, "NAZIS OUT."

"NAZIS OUT" EVERYWHERE. AND MAYBE I'M JUST PARANOID.

WHEN I SEE THE WORDS "NAZIS OUT," ALL I CAN THINK IS

DOESN'T THAT MEAN NAZIS ARE STILL IN?

MY MESSAGE TO GERMANY IS TRY A LITTLE HARDER. YOU KNOW?

I'D FEEL MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE IF THE GRAFFITI JUST SAID

"NAZIS ARE OUT." OR BETTER YET,

"SORRY, WE'RE OUT OF NAZIS." THAT'D BE FINE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'D BE HAPPY IF THE GRAFFITI JUST SAID,

"HEY, JEWS, COAST IS CLEAR. COME ON IN, HAVE SOME STRUDEL.

IT'S ON US."

I WAS JUST SO FRIGHTENED.

I MEAN, YOU COULD PROBABLY GUESS THIS BY LOOKING AT ME,

I'M A VERY COWARDLY MAN. I HAVE NO SHAME IN SAYING THAT.

I COME FROMA LONG LINE OF COWARDS.

IN FACT, MY FAMILY CREST IS JUST A PICTURE OF A LION

DISAPPOINTEDLY EATING A MEALIT DIDN'T ORDER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO SAY.

AND MY MOM WAS THE WORST. MY MOM IS THE QUEEN OF COWARDS.

SHE'S ALWAYS REALLY CAUTIOUS.

MY MOM WAS IN HER HIGH SCHOOL MARCHING BAND.

AND SHE PLAYED THE RAPE WHISTLE IN HER BAND.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN I WAS A KID, MY MOM WOULDN'T EVEN LET US PLAY MONOPOLY,

BECAUSE SHE WAS WORRIED ABOUT US VISITING

THE GAMES' ROUGHER NEIGHBORHOODS.

SHE WOULD SAY, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THEY'LL DO

TO A THIMBLE ON ORIENTAL AVENUE? THEY WILL KILL YOU."

AND MY DAD IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE

WHICH I ACTUALLY THINK IS WORSE IN A LOT OF WAYS.

MY DAD HAS THIS THING WHERE HE ACTS REAL CAVALIER

EVERY TIME HE'S IN NEW YORK.'CAUSE HE THINKS

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN FIT IN HERE.

AND THAT MEANS THAT EVERY TIME MY PARENTS ARE VISITING ME,

I USUALLY WIND UP CHASING MY DAD THROUGH TRAFFIC

WHILE HE'S FLIPPING OFF COPS, YOU KNOW, AND SCREAMING,

"BIG APPLE, BIG APPLE. THIS IS HOW WE ROLL UP IN HERE!

THAT'S MY DAD.

IT'S NICE.YOU KNOW IT'S FUN BEING,

LIKE, A CELEBRITY. 'CAUSE YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET

AND PEOPLE JUST RECOGNIZE-- SOMETIMES, THOUGH, PEOPLE--

- HEY, DAMON!- HEY, BABY. WHAT'S UP?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT FEELS GOOD. SOMETIME PEOPLE CALL YOU

LIKE THEY KNOW YOU, THOUGH.YOU WALKING DOWN THERE.

"DAMON WAYANS!"WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?AND THEN THEY GET MAD,

YOU KNOW IF YOU DON'T, LIKE,ACKNOWLEDGE THEM, YOU KNOW? SAY,

"HEY, DAMON WAYANS, WHAT'S UP?" SAY, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?"

"COME HERE, TALK TO ME,[BLEEP]. COME HERE!"

I'M JUST, LIKE, "MAN, I GOT TO GO."

"MAN, MARLON'STHE FUNNY ONE, ANYWAY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN PEOPLE WANT ME TO ENTERTAIN THEM ALL THE TIME. YOU KNOW?

THEY SAY, "HEY, DO HOMEY THE CLOWN."

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

LIKE--

I CARRY THE SOCK AND THE NOSE WITH ME EVERYWHERE I GO.

"JUST DO THE CLOWN, MAN. DO THE CLOWN."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU SEE, YOU KNOW I WAS ABOUT TO DO IT.

I REALIZE WHAT I NEED TO DO IS START BEING MORE AGGRESSIVE.

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THESE CELEBRITIES

THAT JUST BECOMES A RECLUSE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S WHEN YOU STARTHANGING OUT WITH MONKEYSAND STUFF, YOU KNOW?

SO I THINK WHAT I'M GONNA START DOING IS GOING OUT

AND MEETING THE FANS BEFORE THEY MEET ME.

I'M GONNA GIVE THEM A TASTE OF WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO BE A CELEBRITY.WALK UP TO THEM AND THEYMIGHT BE EATING AT--

"HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?LOOK WHO HERE.

- "DAMON WAYANS! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"OH, THIS YOUR ANNIVERSARY DINNER?

"WELL, LET ME GET SOME. IS THIS THE ANNIVERSARY GIRL?

- "COME HERE GIVE ME A KISS. - [LAUGHTER]

"YEAH, THAT'S DAMON WAYANS' SPIT IN YOUR MOUTH.

"OH, LET I GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOU WANT ME TO GET UP

"AND GET THE HELL OUT OF YOUR FACE

"AND LEAVE YOU AND YOUR WOMAN ALONE

"SO Y'ALL CAN ENJOY THIS NIGHT TOGETHER?

I DON'T THINK SO. HOMEY DON'T PLAY THAT." BAM!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

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