Monday, November 10, 2014

  • 11/10/2014

Donald Faison, Eliza Coupe and Deon Cole come up with possible deaths for Jar Jar Binks, #RuinA90sBand and write taglines to sell freaky Etsy products.

>> IT'S 11:59 AND 59 SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED ON UPROXX TODAY!

>> I'M NOT GAY NO MORE.

I AM DELIVERED.

I DON'T LIKE MEN NO MORE.

I SAID I LIKE WOMEN!

WOMEN, WOMEN, WOMEN, WOMEN!

I WILL LOVE A WOMEN.

[LAUGHING]

>> LISTEN --

>> WHOA.

>> CHRIS: I DON'T KNOW WHATTO SAY TO THAT.

LOOK OUT A WOMEN, I GUESS.

THAT IS ACTUALLY NOT A KEYEAND PEEL SKETCH.

THAT'S THE CHURCH OF GOD ANDCHRIST'S 107 HOLY CONVOCATION

WHERE A PARISHIONER HAS COME UPTO TESTIFY THAT THE LORD HAS

DELIVERED HIM FROM HISHOMOSEXUAL IMPULSES.

UPON HEARING THE NEWS, GODLEANED DOWN AND SAID "YOU KNOW I

DON'T GIVE A SIT ABOUT THATANYMORE, RIGHT? I DON'T CARE.

PEOPLE ARE DYING IN THE WORLD.

LET'S MOVE ON. COME ON. GET WITHTHE TIMES.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE TO YOUTESTIFY AND TELL WHAT THE GOOD

LORD HAS DELIVERED YOU FROM.

PERSONALLY, THE GOOD LORD HASDELIVERED ME FROM THIS BIT

BECAUSE I AM VERY CAUCASIAN.

SO I PRESENT THE REVERENDBRANDON JOHNSON.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> I WILL LOVE A WOMEN.

MY CONGREGATION, MY FLOCK.I'M NOT ACTUALLY A REVEREND.

BUT I CAN BE FOR A SAG MINIMUM.

DON'T TESTIFY ME.

WHAT HAS THE GOOD LORD DELIVEREDYOU FROM?

BROTHER DONALD, GO.

>> LORD REVEREND, I AM NOTSTRAIGHT ANYMORE.

I WANT DICK!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> WOOHOO

WOOHOO.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> OH.

>> SISTER ELIZA, WHAT HAS THELORD DELIVERED FROM YOU?

>> NOTHING LIKE THAT.

GOOD LORD DELIVERED ME THISAWESOME SUIT FROM STEVE HARVEY'S

YARD SALE.

>> WONDERFUL.

>> YES.

>> WONDERFUL.

>> GOOD.

>> LAST BUT NOT LEAST MY BROTHERDEON, WHAT HAS THE LORD

DELIVERED YOU FROM?

[LAUGHING]

>>OH MY GOD!

THE LORD HAS DELIVERED MEFROM MASTURBATING TO JAMIE LEE

CURTIS YOGURT COMMERCIAL.

>> IT'S TIME FOR @MIDNIGHT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES WITH RAPID

REFRESH.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: THE INTERNET DID ACOLLECTIVE SPIT-TAKE RECENTLY

AFTER DISNEY REVEALED THE TITLEFOR THE UPCOMING JJ ABRAMS STAR

WARS FILM AS "EPISODE 7: THEFORCE AWAKENS."

THEN AFTER THAT, THE SERIES WILLCONTINUE WITH "EPISODE 8: THE

FORCE HAS A MORNING BONER."

AND CONCLUDE WITH EPISODE 9 "THEFORCE HAS A 3-MINUTE LONG PEE."

[LAUGHING]

CHRIS: I ACTUALLY -- THANK YOU,DONALD.

I POSTED ON THE INSTAGRAMS OF MYACCOUNT A PICTURE WITH A COUPLE

FRIENDS THAT I THINK SUMS UP THEREACTIONS PERFECTLY OF THE

INTERNET.

"PROCESSING THE RECENT TITLEANNOUNCEMENT OF THE NEXT 'STAR

WARS' FILM."

VINE GAVE US A 6-SECOND VERSIONOF THE MOVIE THAT I THINK IS

VERY EXCITING.

>> WAKEY, WAKEY.

TIME FOR SCHOOL.

>> NOOOOO.

[LAUGHING]

>> CHRIS: COME ON. NOW DARTH, IKNOW YOU HAVE A TEST TODAY, BUT

YOU HAVE OF BEEN STUDYING RATHERTHAN FORCE CHOKING YOURSELF TO

ORGASM.

WE KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT THENEW STAR WARS MOVIE, BUT THE

STUFF THAT JJ'S BEEN POSTINGONLINE LOOKS REALLY COOL, SO

I'M ACTUALLY REALLY OPTIMISTICABOUT IT. BUT ONE THING THAT

WE CAN ASSUME THERE WON'T BE AJARJAR BANKS IN THE MOVIE.

SO COMEDIANS -- [AUDIENCE WOOING]

WE DON'T KNOW, WE ASSUME. WEDON'T KNOW.

SO HOW SHOULD JARJAR BE KILLEDOFF IN THE NEW MOVIE.

SHOULD HE BE HIT BY A CARCAR? IDON'T KNOW.

DONALD FAISON.

>> DRIVING A SPEEDER WHILEBLACK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ELIZA COUPE.

>> OKAY HIS SECOND, THIRD,FOURTH, FIFTH PENIS ARE CUT OFF

WITH A LIFE SABER.

AND THEN HE JUST BLEEDS OUT. HEJUST --

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DEON COLE.

>> HE SHOULD BE TIED TO THEGROUND AT THE ENTRANCE OF A

TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT.

>> CHRIS: THAT WOULD DO IT.POINTS.

NOW TO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: MUSIC VIKING TAYLORTHE SWIFT RELEASED A NEW VIDEO

TODAY.

AND FOR SOME REASON, IT WENTCOMPLETELY UNNOTICED BY THE

INTERNET.

PSYCH!

THE VIDEO WAS CAUSING THE WEBEXPLODE LIKE A BEACHED WHALE

CARCASS.

AND IN IT, SHE SORT OF MAKES FUNOF HERSELF, I GUESS.

SHE PLAYS AN A RCHETYPALOBSESSED GIRLFRIEND.

SO HERE'S TAY-TAY, DESTROYING ANIPHONE.

NO, IT'S A 6 PLUS!

HERE SHE'S CRYING NEAR A DEERFOR SOME REASON.

THERE SHE IS PUNCHING A WALL --STAB THAT THING!

THERE'S A GUY, HE'S REALLYHOT.

NOW SHE'S TRYING TO BUY HORSESFOR SOME (BLEEP) REASON.

WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION WHEN YOUHAVE SEX WITH TAYLOR SWIFT HOW

MUCH DIFFERENT ANIMALS AREWATCHING?

THE POP STARS IN MY YOUTH WEREWAY MORE DANGEROUS.

CASE AND POINT CRANBERRY SINGER,DOLORES O'ROIRDAN WAS RECENTLY

ARRESTED FOR ALLEGEDYHEADBUTTING A COP.

THE "ALLEGEDLY" IS SILENT AFTEREVERY IRISH NAME.

YOU MAY SAY SHE HIT HIM WITHHER HEAD, ♪ WITH HER HEAD

>> CHRIS: I KNOW, BOO.

THIS NEWS HAS MADE ME NOSTALGICFOR A SIMPLER TIME IN MUSIC, SO

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS RUIN A90S BAND, RUIN A 90S BAND.

SO EXMAPLES --

IT'S A SUBLIME COVER!

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE THEGRANBERRIES.

OR SUBLIME MORTGAGE CRISIS.

OR TWINK 182.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

ELIZA COUPE

>> FULLY-ERECT BIZKIT.

>>CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS.

DEON.

>> SOUL TRAIN.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

DONALD.

>> BACK STREET MEN.

CHRIS: YES POINTS.

ELIZA.

>> THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS FANS.

CHRIS: YES POINTS.

DEON.

>> COUNTING HOES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DONALD.

>> SAVAGE OLIVE GARDEN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

♪ I WANT TO STAND WITH YOU ON AMOUNTAIN OF PASTA.

>> JANES REHAB.

>> CHRIS: JANE'S REHAB! GOOD,POINTS.

DEON.

>> RAGE AGAINST THE INTELPROCESSER.

>> CHRIS: YES POINTS.

DONALD FAISON!

>> A SIMPLE ONE: CYPRUS PHILL.

>> CHRIS: YES POINTS.

ELIZA COUPE.

>> FIVE AND A HALF INCH NAILS.

CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

DEON.

>> [BEEP] U2.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY ETSY PITCHMAN.

THE ARRAY OF BIZARRE HANDMADEPRODUCTS ON ETSY HAVE TAUGHT US

THAT YOU CAN BE INSANE AND GROSSPERVO AND STILL BE A REMARKABLY

SKILLED AT CRAFTING.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA REAL PRODUCT AVAILABLE ON SALE

ON ETSY, AND FOR 250 POINTS, IWOULD LIKE A TAGLINE TO HELP

SELL IT.

FIRST ONE: THIS DEAD BABY SKULLDIP HOLDER.

DONALD.

>> PERFECT FOR THREATENING YOURKIDS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

DEON.

>> DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BUY AMANDABYNES FOR CHRISTMAS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

I WOULD GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THATONE.

NEXT ONE.

THIS CHINESE MADE SUIT.

IT'S LIKE A WET SUIT BUT FOR[BEEP].

ELIZA.

>> WELL, SINCE IT'S BLACK AND ITWON'T STAIN --

>> OH.>> NO! NO!

>> HERE WE GO!

>> ALL I HEARD WAS "SINCE IT'SBLACK."

>> WELL IT MEANS IT WON'T STAIN.

>> YEAH.>> THAT'S TRUE. THAT'S TRUE.

>> SO, YOU CAN EASILY JUST DO AQUICK TOSS OFF, HOSE OFF AND

HEAD TO CHURCH.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, THAT'SFINE.

POINTS.

OF COURSE POINTS.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE: THISPROSTHETIC MAN PIG MASK.

OH, DEAR SWEET LORD.

YES, DEON.

>> YOU WANT TO SCARE THE DRUGDEALERS ON YOUR BLOCK.

[LAUGHING]

>> YOU CAN BE A REAL PIG.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT ONE THIS BULK ORDER OFSPENT TOILET PAPER ROLLS.

YES, DEON.

>> A BOX OF GENERIC PUSSYPOCKETS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YES.

NOW OF COURSE EVERYONE KNOWSTHAT WHEN YOU'RE SHOPPING AT A

SEX STORE, IN THE ISLE THE TOPISLES HAVE THE NAME BRANDS, BUT

THE BOTTOM HAS A BAG OF >> -- GENERIC ONES.

>> CHRIS: THERE'S LIKE A QUALABEAR ON IT -- IT'S PUSS-POUCH,

OR WHATEVER, IT'S NOT ANAME-BRAND. DONALD.

>> FOR $11 I'LL SELL YOU THEPAPER.

[LAUGHING]

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ELIZA.

>> HEY, POOR KIDS, HERE ARE SOMETELESCOPES.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. SO GOOD.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: NICE -- NEXT ONE THISCATBOY SEX DOLL.

[LAUGHING]

DEON.

>> FINALLY A PUSSY THAT [BEEP]YOU.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S TIMEF FOR OUR NEXT GAME,NEW NETFLIX CATEGORIES, NEW

NETFLIX CATEGORIES.

>> CHRIS: ALRIGHT.

IT'S A FAIRLY CLOSE GAME, SO BEFAST ON YOUR BUZZERS.

NETFLIX HAS BEEN KNOWN TOCONJURE UP SOME WEIRDLY DISTINCT

CATEGORIES, SUCH AS FIGHT THESYSTEM: SOCIAL AND CULTURAL

DOCUMENTARIES.

AND VIOLENT MOVIES WAY STRONGFEMALE LEAD.

SO COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO COMEUP WITH SOME NEW RIDICULOUS

NETFLIX CATEGORIES.

WITH 60 SECONDS AND BEGIN.

DONALD FAISON.

>> MOVIES ZACH BRAFF, CHRIS ANDI DIDN'T ASK YOU TO PAY FOR.

[LAUGHING]

>> CHRIS: DEON.

>> SLAVE MOVIES WHERE THE SLAVEGET AWAY.

[LAUGHING]

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

DONALD.

>> DENZEL WASHINGTON GETS ANGRY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

I WOULD WATCH THAT.

ELIZA.

>> MOVIES YOU PRESTEPPEDDED TOSEE SO YOU SOUNDED COOL AT A

PARTY.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

DEON.

>> MOVIES THAT RAPPERS USE THEIRREAL NAME IN.

>> CHRIS: OKAY. POINTS.