Wednesday, December 3, 2014

  • 12/03/2014

Arden Myrin, Jon Gabrus and Matt Besser learn about the University of Texas's loss of 100 brains, #SoftenABand and guess which long-forgotten websites are still active.

>> CHRIS: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

WELL, THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXASHAD 100 BRAINS STOLEN, WHICH

MEANS TEXAS IS TO YOU DOWN TOSIX BRAINS.

I'M KIDDING, TEXAS.

PLEASE COME SEE ME WHEN ITOUR THROUGH YOU.

I'M FROM TENNESSEE, YOU CAN[BLEEP] ON IT ALL YOU WANT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW, THE BRAINS WERE STEWING INJARS OF FORMALDEHYDE UNTIL THEY

COULD BE PLACED IN GORILLAS HAVEMYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED AND

OFFICIAL'S BELIEVE THEY'VE BEENSTOLEN FOR PRANKS OR SOUVENIERS,

OR TO BE PLACED IN PRIVATEGORILLAS.

BUT ONE OF THE BRAINS CAME FROMCHARLES WHITMAN, THE INFAMOUS

TEXAS BELLHOUSE SNIPER.

SO LET'S GET THAT BRAIN BACKOFF THE STREET AS FAST AS

POSSIBLE.

COMEDIANS, WHAT WOULD YOU DOWITH A HUNDRED BRAINS. JON.

>> WITH A HUNDRED BRAINS, ICOULD FINALLY BEAT CANDY CRUSH.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, HA HA -- YEAH,YOU'D STILL NEED LIKE, 102.

OR 200. BESSER.

>> CHRIS: WITH A HUNDRED BRAINSI WOULD COMPLETE MY COLLECTION

OF A THOUSAND BRAINS.

>> YES.

FINALLY.

>> AND THEN I WOULD USETHOSE THOUSAND BRAINS TO FIGURE

OUT THE ENDING TOINTERSTELLAR.

>> CHRIS: YES, OKAY, POINTS.

NEXT.

KEANE UNIVERSITY IN NEW JERSEYIS GETTING BAD PRESS, AND NOT

JUST FOR BEING IN NEW JERSEY.

KU RECENTLY DROPPED A COOLQUARTER MIL -- THAT'S A QUARTER

MILLION CANADIAN --

>> WHAT.

>> CHRIS: ON SOMETHING VERY,VERY IMPORTANT.

SO IMPORTANT THEY HAVE TOCONSTANTLY DEFEND IT FROM

RIDICULE.

WHAT DID KEANE UNIVERSITYBLOW ITS ALLOWANCE MONEY ON?

A, MULTIPLE PLASTIC SURGERIESFOR THE DEAN'S WIFE.

B, CORVETTES FOR THEFOOTBALL TEAM.

C, A BIG TABLE.

ARDEN MYRIN.

>> I'M GOING GO WITH C, ABIG TABLE BECAUSE IF ANYBODY

HAS BEEN TO IKEA IN ELIZABETH,NEW JERSEY? OH MY GOD, THEY

COULD DO THAT.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS A BIGTABLE!

(APPLAUSE)

THIS-- THIS TABLE COSTS$219,000.

RIGHT THERE.

THIS LOOKS LIKE THE KIND OFTABLE WHERE YOU WOULD HAVE,

SAY A POKER TOURNAMENT OR AMEETING OF THE ILLUMINATI.

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS SOMETHINGYOU MIGHT OVERHEAR AT THIS

NEW JERSEY LEGION OF DOOMTABLE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, ARDEN.

>> PEOPLE OF NEW JERSEY,THEY CALL THIS THE SITUATION

ROOM BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE I[BLEEP] THE SITUATION.

>> CHRIS: RIGHT THERE IN THEMIDDLE.

POINTS.

GABRUS.

>> 219,000 DOLLARS? HA, HA, ICOULD HAVE GOT YOU A DISCOUNT.

LET'S JUST SAY I KNOW A GUYWHO DRIVES A TRUCK THAT BIG

[BLEEP] TABLES KEEP FALLINGOFF OF.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MOVING ON.

YOU GUYS EVER WONDER WHATYOUR PETS DO WHEN YOU ARE

GONE?

WELL, NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TOWONDER ANY LONGER.

THE ICPOOCH PET TREATDISPENSER MEANS YOU CAN

ANNOY YOUR PETS AT HOME FROMWORK.

LOOK AT THE JOY, LOOK AT THEJOY IN THE DOG'S EYES.

OH, GOOD.

I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUREMOTELY AS WELL.

ICPOOCH ALLOWS TO YOU FEEDYOUR DOG OR CAT OR HUMAN GIMP

TREATS BY REMOTE CONTROL.

ICPOOCH ALSO ALLOWS YOU TO VIDEOCHAT WITH YOUR PET SO YOU

CAN EXPLAIN WHY YOU BOLTEDOUT WITHOUT WALKING OR

FEEDING THEM BECAUSE YOUWERE LATE FOR WORK AND A DOG

WAS WAY MORE RESPONSIBILITYTHAN YOU BARGAINED FOR.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT WOULD YOUSAY TO YOUR PET ON A VIDEO

CHAT, ARDEN.

>> HEY, I GOT PEANUT BUTTER,YOU UP?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> WHAT WOULD I SAY TO MYDOG?

WOOF, WOOF, WOOF, WOOF,WOOF.

YOU GUYS ARE STUPID, DOGSDON'T SPEAK ENGLISH.

>> YEAH, POINTS.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

(APPLAUSE)

ACCORDING TO THE INDEPENDENTU.K. SPOTIFY ANNOUNCED THAT THE

NUMBER ONE MOST PLAYED ARTISTWORLD WIDE FOR 2014 WAS ORANGE

GUITAR PLAYING KITTEN ED SHEERAN.

THAT IS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKERIGHT THERE.

>> ALWAYS JUST ABOUT TO CRY.

>> CHRIS: HE IS.

IN HONOR OF THAT, TONIGHT'S IS#SOFTENABAND, #SOFTENABAND.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE SQUIRTGUNS'N ROSES.

OR CREAMED KORN.

OR THE ROLLING SKONS.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO!

MATT BESSER.

>> 1 INCH NAILS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

JON GABRUS.

>> ICED TEA WITH LEMON.

>> CHRIS: YEAH. MATT BESSER.

>> TAYLOR SLOW.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> PUBLIC FRENEMIES.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

MATT.

>> THE HEAVY PETTING PISTOLSSTARRING JOHNNY FRESH AND

SID VIVACIOUS.

>> CHRIS: YES!

I'M GOING GIVE YOU 200 POINTSFOR THAT.

JON GABRUS.

>> NURSE DRE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

MATT.

>> DAFT MONK.

>> CHRIS: UH-HUH. POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> SAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

BUT RIGHT NOW LET'S TIME TOPLAY BLANK HAD ME LIKE.

THE "HAD ME LIKE" MEME ISTHE EASIEST WAY TO EXPRESS

YOURSELF ON TWITTER.

JUST DROP IN WHATEVER TOPICYOU'RE TALKING ABOUT AND ADD THE

APPROPRAITE REACTION PHOTO ANDYOU GET --

NICKI MINAJ ANACONDA VIDEO HADME LIKE --

SO COMEDIANS, WE'RE GOING TOSHOW YOU A PHOTO FROM A HAD ME

LIKE TWEET AND FOR 250, YOU HAVETO FILL IN THE BLANK WITH WHAT

THAT HAD YOU LIKE --

ALL RIGHT, FIRST UP, FIRST UP.

THIS ONE HAD ME LIKE --

ARDEN.

>> LEARNING I WAS GOING TOGROW UP TO BE KATHY BATES

HAD ME LIKE --

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> THAT IS MEAN.

>> CHRIS: JON.

>> AN ACTIVIA YOGURT, AGIANT ICED COFFEE AND

TRAFFIC HAD ME LIKE --

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

BESSER.

>> CHRIS: BILL COSBY DRINK HADME LIKE.

I DIDN'T DO IT!

>> CHRIS: HE DIDN'T DO IT.

>> I DIDN'T DO IT I JUSTSAID THINGS.

>> CHRIS: HE DIDN'T DO IT.>> ALLEGEDLY.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT THIS FELLA, HOWABOUT THIS FELLA, HAD ME

LIKE -->> WOW.

ARDEN.

>> THAT BAD MOLLY I BOUGHTAT COACHELLA HAD ME

LIKE-- WHOA.

>> CHRIS: IS THERE A DRUG MOLLY?>> IT IS ALL PEOPLE.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVEYOU POINTS.

>> IT'S ALL PEOPLE. ALL PEOPLE.

>> CHRIS: MATT BESSER.

>> BILL COSBY'S DICK IN MYMOUTH 4 ME LIKE --

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: GUESS I GOTTA GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR THAT.

NEXT ONE. THIS GUY, THIS GUY,HAD ME LIKE --

>> CHRIS: YES, BESSER, WHATCOSBY EVENT?

>> READING ABOUT BILL COSBY HADME LIKE--

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

AND FINALLY, HOW ABOUTTHIS TORONTO MAYOR, THIS

TORONTO MAYOR.

JON.

>> CANADIAN STRIP CLUB LAWSHAD ME LIKE.

NO, BUT FOR REAL, YOU CAN TOUCHTHEM THERE.

>> CHRIS: UH, WHAT?

>> ANYWHERE BUT ONE SPOT.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MATT.

>> SEEING THAT MUCH CRACK IN ONEPLACE HAD ME LIKE --

>> CHRIS: POINTS. SO GOOD, MATT.

ALL RIGHT.

IT IS TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,DEADSITES, DEADSITES.

YOU GUYS, YOU MAY NOTREALIZE THIS BUT A LARGE

PORTION OF THE INTERNET IS AVAST WASTE LAND OF ABANDONED

WEBSITES.

THEY'RE JUST THERE. THEY'REJUST SITTING THERE.

NO ONE VISITS THEM.

IT'S LIKE THE OTHER DAY ISTUNLED UPON MY OLD LIVE

JOURNAL DEDICATED TO RUBIK'SCUBES.

NO, THAT IS ACTUALLY-- THATIS ACTUALLY NOT ME.

THERE IS ANOTHER-- THERE ISANOTHER CHRIS HARDWICK,

AND HE'S A [BLEEP]ING RUBIK'SCUBE CHAMPION.

>> YOU LOVE IT, TOO, DON'T YOU?

>> CHRIS: I DO, BUT HE'S[BLEEPING] GOOD AT THEM.

>> SO YOU ARE THE SECONDMOST FAMOUS CHRIS HARDWICK.

>> CHROS: I'M THE SECOND MOSTFAMOUS CHRIS HARDWICK, BEHIND

THIS RUBIK'S CUBE WIZARD.

ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS. I'M GOINGTO GIVE YOU THE NAMES AND

DESCRIPTIONS OF TWO OLD WEBSITESAND FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT TO

TO TELL ME WHICH IS STILLACTIVE, DESPITE NOT BEING

ACTIVE FOR OVER A DECADE.

FIRST ONE.

A GUY NAMED MIKE SHOWCASINGHIS CUSTOM BONGS OR THE

WALKER TEXAS RANGER COSPLAYSOCIETY.

ARDEN.

>> OH, IT HAS GOT TO BE BONGS.

I WENT TO COLLEGE IN COLORADOPEOPLE ARE SO PROUD WHEN THEY

MAKE IT OUT.

>> CHRIS: IT FEELS LIKE IT COULDBE.

BUT LET'S FIND OUT.

YES, MIKE'S BONG CABINET.

>> OH.

>> YEAH.

>> YES.

>> CHRIS: HE'S SO --

THAT IS SO CLASSIC INTERNET.

>> YEAH.

THAT IS ARTISTRY RIGHT THERE.

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

>> IF YOU ARE MIKE'S MOM, DONOT CLICK.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT, A BABE SITE FEATURINGHOMEMADE CALENDARS OF THE

"BAYWATCH," OR A SITE CREATE BYA DISGRUNTLED MICROSOFT CUSTOMER

FORCED TO INSTALL INTERNETEXPLORER.

I KNOW WHICH ONE I WANT ITTO BE.

JON.

>> THE SECOND ONE IS SOMUCH MORE SPECIFIC.

>> CHRIS: IT'S GOT TO BE.

IT'S GOT TO BE.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> INTERNET EXPLORER IS EVIL!EVIL!

(APPLAUSE)

>> YES, YES. I LIKE --

>> THIS WAS STEVE JOBS FIRSTWEBSITE.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S RIGHT.

PERFECT.

THERE'S A PORTION OF THE SITEDEDICATED TO HIS APPLE 2

DOUBLE HIGH RESOLUTION PICTURES.

LET'S SEE WHAT DOUBLE HIGHRES LOOKED LIKE BACK IN THE

MID '90s.

>> OH! WOW.

>> WOW.

>> CHRIS: SO-->> THAT'S A PORNO ON THE RIGHT,

RIGHT?

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

LAST ONE, A SITE FOR FORMER7 UP MASCOT COOL SPOT OR A

SITE FOR EVERYONE'S FORMERMTVDJ JESSIE CAMP.

>> HAS TO BE JESSE CAMP. PEOPLELOVE -- OH MY GOD,

YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, HE WAS THE [BLEEP].

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINDOUT.

YES!

JESSE CAMP.

>> YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)

I LOVE THAT.

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAMETRENDING LIBRARY, TRENDING

LIBRARY.

"THE NEW YORK TIMES" JUSTRELEASED THE LIST OF 100 MOST

NOTABLE BOOKS OF THE YEAR.

THE MOST NOTABLE ABOUT THEM THATPEOPLE STILL KNOW WHAT A

BOOK IS, WHICH IS VERYEXCITING FOR THE KIDS AND

THEIR GODDAMN ELECTRONICDEVICES.

BUT WHERE IS THE LIST FOR THELESS RECOGNIZED BOOKS?

SO, I'D LIKE YOU TO COME UP WITHAS MANY UNNOTABLE BOOKS AS YOU

CAN IN 60 SECONDS. AND GO.

YES, ARDEN.

>> TOPIC OF TESTICULAR CANCER.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

JON GABRUS.

>> CATCHER IN THE RYE 2:THE KLUMPS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

MATT BESSER.

>> BILL COSBY'S GUIDE TOANESTHESIA.

>> CHRIS: JESUS CHRIST.

POINTS.

YOU WILL GET THEM.

ARDEN.

>> CHARLIE AND THECHEESECAKE FACTORY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JON GABRUS.

>> PILATES FOR FAT [BLEEP]S.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BESSER.

>> THE DA VINCI GUY CODE.

>> CHRIS: HEY, THIS GUY! ALLRIGHT.