Wednesday, November 2, 2016

  • 11/02/2016

Jim Norton, Jena Friedman and Ryan Stout list horrible celebrity memoirs, learn about the negative side effects of male birth control and envision the #2016ElectionInAMovie.

Uh... Twitter is abuzz this week

over the release of a newautobiography by Zayn Malik

with a cleverly nuanced title

that hints to what is likelysome very thoughtful writing.

Nah, I'm (bleep) with you.He called it Zayn.

Just named it after himself.There it is right there.

As you can see,the first 500 copies

were signed Zorro. Uh...

The only thing...

the only thing the coverof this book is missing

is about eight more Zs.

Like right after that,right there.

The author himself tweeted outthis image yesterday,

alluding to the factthat Zayn foolishly wrote

each book by hand.

"And then I (bleep)this other girl."

No, I'm kidding.I haven't read it,

but according to the trendinghashtag #zaynbook,

he devoted a chapterto his respect for women.

He's going to get so muchpussy for that, you guys.


Oh, unless they're into zaynal.We don't know.

But, comedians, let's be honest,

we're not weepy 12-year-olds.

I assume none of usare going to read this book.

Please give me anothercelebrity tell-all book

you'd hate-read.

-Jim Norton. -Ten Easy Ways

to Get That Smell Off Your Fingers by Donald Trump.

-All right.-(cheers and applause)


Points. Points.

-(bell dings)-Jena.

Huma's Dick:

Tales from Anthony Weiner's Wife.

All right, points.


Ryan Stout.

How to Find Clean Urine in a Pinch by Andy Dick.

All right, points.

Next up, Men Be Stoppin'.

Who says men can't handlethe pain of being a woman?

Men, that's who.

A male birth control studyfrom 2012

is making waves onlinethis week

after it came out thatthe men involved in the trial

had to drop outbecause they couldn't handle

the side effects,like acne, changes in libido

and mood swings.

Well, well, well.

Roll the tape.

WOMAN: Men almost had their own highly effective birth control

but the medical trial had to stop

when some of the men said they couldn't take the side effects.

But those side effects were almost identical

to what woman have been dealing with for decades.

We're talking depression, muscle pain, mood swings

-and libido changes. -All right, stop. Enough.

Enough. Okay?

You know what,that's not our fault.

Maybe physiologically we're justnot used to that stuff, okay?

Or maybe... maybe we just don'tappreciate your tone, Helen.

I mean, we could continuethis conversation,

but you know what, we don't feellike talking about this

right now,until you feel like listening.

Goddamn it, I am so hungry, butI don't know what I want to eat!

Stop looking at me!Stop looking at me!

-No, no, no.-(laughter, whistling)

You know what, no.

Just stop.I am not...

I am not taking these pillsanymore

just so you can finish in me.

Okay, it's not worth it.

Just stop it.I need my life back.

-(whoops)-Moving on.


Now it's time for tonight's#HashtagWars.

(cheers and applause)

This election has been a (bleep)show that undermined democracy,

divided our citizens, andtotally boosted ratings.


Our nation may be on the brinkof collapse,

but it's beensuper entertaining

teetering between absurd comedy,dark drama,

a terrifying horror film.

Which is why tonight's hashtagis #2016ElectioninaMovie.

Uh, examples might be,examples might be,

Forrest Trumpand Winter's Ken Bone.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock and begin.


Extremely Loud, UncomfortablyClose, He's Behind Me, Isn't He?

HARDWICK:All right, points.


The Grinch Who Grabbed Pussy.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Jena, again.

-No Country for Brown Men.-HARDWICK: All right, points.


When a Man Loves His Daughter.

HARDWICK:All right, points. Jena.

The Tiny Hand That Rocksthe Cradle of Democracy.

HARDWICK:Points. Very good. Jim.

Butch Hillaryand the Sunburned Kid.

HARDWICK:All right, points. Jim.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Email.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Ryan Stout.

Two Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

-Jena.-Panic Womb.

HARDWICK:All right, points.


Benghazi Glen Ross.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Jim, again.

Wall-E and Get Mexicoto Pay For It.

HARDWICK (laughing):All right, points.


Points. Jena.

White Men Don't Trump.