Wednesday, September 9, 2015

  • 09/09/2015

Kyle Dunnigan, Hari Kondabolu and Matt Braunger use dance as a way to distract from political scandals, list #RejectedAppleProducts and listen to farmers singing parody songs.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)WELL, AFTER MONTHS OF

HEMMING AND HAWING AND DOINGSUBTLE BLOCKS, HILLARY

CLINTON FINALLY APOLOGIZEDFOR HER SECRET E-MAIL ACCOUNTS

WHICH WE CAN ONLY ASSUME SHESET UP A PROFILE ON DATING

SITE, MY HUSBAND OWES MEONE.COM.

(LAUGHTER)AND TO DEMONSTRATE TO THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE HOW SERIOUSLYSHE TAKES HER POTENTIALLY

DEVASTATING LAPSE IN SECURITY,SHE DID A DANCE ON ELLEN.

LOOK AT THIS!

WOW!

OH.

♪ ♪ .

>> THERE'S-- SHE-- LOOKSLIKE A MELTING OTTER POP.

LADIES, I THINK MAYBE YOU'REABUSING OUR BOTTOMLESS

MIMOSA BRUNCH POLICY TOOMUCH. SO COMEDIANS,

IN HONOR OF HILLARY'SMASTERFUL DISTRACTION

TECHNIQUES AS PRESIDENTIALCANDIDATE, I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO PLEASE APOLOGIZE FOR APOLITICAL SCANDAL OF YOUR

OWN AND THEN DANCE TO MAKEIT OKAY.

LET'S START WITH YOU, KYLEDUNNIGAN.

>> I'M SORRY ALL YOU LOSERTHIRD WORLD KIDS CRIPPLED

WITH POLIO, I THINK YOU'RETERRIFIC.

NOW WATCH ME DO SOMETHINGYOUR STUPID LEGS WILL NEVER

BE ABLE TO DO.

(APPLAUSE)>> PERFECT.

(APPLAUSE)>> HARI KONDABOLU.

>> I'M SORRY THAT I'M NOTSORRY.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> ALL RIGHT.

MOVING ON. ANNOUNCING THEARRIVAL OF A NEW BABY IS A

BEAUTIFUL MOMENT TO SHAREWITH EVERYONE YOU LOVE.

EVEN YOUR PETS.

>> THAT'S THE BABY.

THAT'S SADIE.

SADIE IS GOING TO COME HOMETOMORROW.

YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

VERY NOT HAPPY WITH THATANNOUNCEMENT.

I THINK THE DOG MAYBEMISUNDERSTOOD AND THOUGHT

THAT SHE WAS SAYING HE WASTHE FATHER.

WHAT ABOUT MY MUSIC CAREER?

SO COMEDIANS, AS THISDISGUSTED POOCH, PLEASE GIVE

ME YOUR INNER MONOLOGUERIGHT BEFORE YOU CHUCK YOUR

KIBBLES.

>> MATT BRAUNGER.

>> THESE MARIJUANA POOPEDIBLES I ATE HAD TOO MUCH

MARIJUANA IN THEM.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> NICE.

(APPLAUSE)>> KYLE DUNNIGAN.

>> OH MY GOD.

THERE WAS AN ASSHOLE UNDER ALLTHAT PEANUT BUTTER?

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE#HASHTAGWARS.

(APPLAUSE)APPLE ROCKED THE TECH WORLD

WHEN THEY ANNOUNCED THE NEWiPAD, A NEW APPLE TV AND A

PENCIL. A [BLEEP] PENCIL!

(APPLAUSE)WHICH IS KIND OF FUNNY

BECAUSE IN 2007 STEVE JOBSSAID THEY WOULDN'T MAKE A

STYLUS BUT WHATEVS. HE'SNOT HERE.

I CANNOT HELP BUT THINKTHERE WERE SOME THRILLING

PRODUCTS WE COULDPOTENTIALLY BE RUINING BY

DROPPING THEM IN THE TOILET.THAT IS WHY TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS#REJECTEDAPPLEPRODUCTS.

#REJECTEDAPPLEPRODUCTS. EXAMPLESMIGHT BE:

A VERSION OF APPLE MAPS THATACTUALLY SENDS TO YOU THE

RIGHT PLACE.

OR

>> SLAM.

>> OR APPLE'S THUNDER BUTTPLUG.

IT'S A USB.

IT'S A PROPRIETARY--IT STANDSFOR UNIVERSAL SERIAL BUTTS.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, BEGIN.

KYLE.

>> THE I, I, ISTUTTER.

>> POINTS.

>> HARI KONDABOLU.

>> THE iUD.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> KYLE.

>> THE iCAN'T BELIEVE IT'SNOT BUTTER.

>> YES, POINTS, I CAN'T.

MATT.

>> STONE COLD SIRI AUSTIN.

>> THE i, i, iJEWPAD.

>> POINTS.

>> JUST A SHINY METAL BALLTHAT DOES NOTHING BUT

SCREAM.

>> ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)>> PRETTY COOL.

>> GOT TO HAVE ONE.

>> IT'S PRETTY COOL.

>> POINTS.

>> KYLE.

>> THE i, iCAPTAIN?

>> POSSIBLY.

>> MATT.

>> A SCRAPPLE COMPUTER.

>> YES.

ANYONE DOWN SOUTH?

>> I WILL GIVE YOU THAT, LIKETHE SCRAPPLE...

SCRAPPLE LIKE YOU GET IN ADINER IN THE SOUTH, JUST A BUNCH

OF [BLEEP] MEAT SCRAPED TOGETHERAND IT RHYMES WITH APPLE.

I WILL GET OUT OF HERE.

>> YOU GOT POINTS.

GET BACK IN HERE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> THE MAX iPAD.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> WELL DONE.

SO NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY OLD

MacDONALD HAD A SONG.

(APPLAUSE)YOU KNOW, ONE THING YOUTUBE

DID THAT IT DOESN'T GETENOUGH CREDIT FOR IS

USHERING IN A GOLDEN AGE OFSONG PARODIES.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TOSTRETCH THE MEANING OF

GOLDEN AGE A LOT.

AND THERE IS AN ODDLYSPECIFIC SUBCULTURE OF

FARMING SONGS MADE BY THERANCH HANDS AND FARM WORKERS

OF THE HEARTLAND.

I WILL SHOW YOU A CLIP OF AFARMER SONG PARODY.

FOR 250 POINTS I WANT YOU TOGIVE ME THE ANSWER TO A

FOLLOWUP QUESTION.

FIRST UP, WE HAVE ALL BEENWONDERING WHAT DOES THE

FARMER SAY?

♪ WHAT DOES THE FARMER SAY ♪.

>> WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK,WORK, ♪

♪ WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK ♪.

>> WHAT DOES THE FARMERSAY ♪

♪ YIP YIP YIP YIP HA ♪ YIP YIP YIP HA

>> OKAY.

NOW I KNOW WE'RE ALL ALITTLE UPSET RIGHT NOW.

BUT AS THIS GUY'S FARMER BUDDY,WHAT WOULD YOU SAY ABOUT HIS

VIDEO?

>> HARI.

>> MAN, YOU'RE A REALSTEPHEN SPIELJEW.

>> POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> KYLE DUNNIGAN.

>> THAT SOUNDS LIKE LEARNING.BURN IT!

>> YUP, POINTS.

MATT BRAUNGER.

>> HEY, MAN, CONGRATS FORYOUR 6 MILLION VIEWS. HOPE IT

WAS WORTH DAD LOSING THE FARMWHILE YOUR SECTION OF THE CROPS

DIED.

IT'S ALL WE [BLEEP] HAD,CLINT!

>> POINTS.

A LOT OF FAMILY DRAMAGOING ON THERE.

>> YEAH.

>> NEXT UP, YOU KNOW KATYPERRY'S "ROAR," RIGHT? ALREADY

FUN TO LISTEN TO. WELL, WHATIF WE FLIP THAT AND MADE IT

THE WORD "CHORE."

HOW WOULD THAT MANIFEST?

>> ♪ MORNING, MORNING AND NIGHT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I AM A FARMER ♪ AND THEY WANT TO SEE ME

CHORE ♪

>> GUYS WHAT IS THE NAME OFTHIS MUSICAL ACT?

>> HARI.

>> ADAM AND STEVE AND STEVE.

>> YES, POINTS.

POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)MATT BRAUNGER, LET'S GO WITH

YOU.

>> BAND IS CALLED SLAYER...OFCOWS!

>> YES, POINTS.

>> OR WHEN THEY DO ACOUSTICIT'S GRIM BEEFER.

>> OH, SO GOOD.

GRIM BEEFER IS GREAT.

>> DUDE.

>> Chris: I FEEL LIKE AFTER"GRIM BEEFER," YOU HAVE TO

RETIRE FROM COMEDY. THAT'S IT.

>> SOMEONE WANTS ME TOTONIGHT.

>> DON'T LISTEN THEM, ALLRIGHT.

>> I DON'T MEAN THEM, I MEANA GUY AT HOME. I WILL [BLEEP]

YOU.

>> Chris: HOW ABOUT THIS CLASSICSITCOM THEME FROM "FRESH PRINCE

OF BEL-AIR" REMIXEDFARMER-STYLE, THE WAY IT WAS

MEANT TO BE.

>> WHEN WE FINISH WITH THATWE DO OUR BEST TO PROVIDE

BY GROWING ALL YOUR FOOD UP INTHE COUNTRYSIDE.

WE MAKE SURE TO BE SAFE SOOUR MOM'S

NOT SCARED. SHE SAYS,

>> FARMING CAN BE DANGEROUSSO BE PREPARED.

(APPLAUSE)>> Chris: NOW IF THIS WERE

AN INTRO TO AN ACTUALSITCOM WHAT WOULD IT BE

CALLED?

>> "HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, MYSISTER."

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWEDYOU THIS AMAZING VIDEO OF A

JACKRABBIT CRASHING THEFIELD AT A CANADIAN FOOTBALL

GAME AND MAKING IT EXCITING.

I ASKED YOU TO AM COULD UPWITH A LITTLE PLAY-BY-PLAY

COMMENTARY FOR THIS FURRYATHLETE.

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU GOT. KYLEDUNNIGAN, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> IT'S GOOD TO HAVE MOPSYBACK AFTER HIS NINE GAME

FORCED SUSPENSION FORBEATING HIS 400 KIDS.

>> ALL RIGHT, EXCELLENT.

(APPLAUSE)>> HARI.

>> HE'S PASSED THE TORTOISE,HE'S PASSED ELMER FUDD, HE'S

PASSED HUGH HEFNER,TOUCHDOWN!

>> Chris: YES.

HE'S LITERALLY SPIKINGHIMSELF.

MATT BRAUNGER.

>> WELL, JIM, THIS ISUNFORTUNATE.

THAT RABBIT FAILED HIS DRUGTEST AND IS SO HIGH HE THINKS

HE'S PLAYING IN THE GAME.

IT'S A SHAME THEY ARE GOINGTO SHOOT HIM, OH, THEY JUST

SHOT HIM JUST NOW.

AS WE

GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, THEBURNING MAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Chris: PARENTHETICALLY.

BURNING MAN WRAPPED UPEARLIER THIS WEEK AND BESIDES

ATTRACTING TENS OF THOUSANDSOF SOON TO BE HAUNTED HOUSE

EMPLOYEES JUGGLING FIRE ANDCOMPARING PUBIC HAIRS IN THE

DESERT, THE GOVERNMENT ALSOTOOK AN INTEREST.

ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT,THE F.B.I. ACTUALLY SPIED ON

THE BURNING MANIFEST VAL AFEW YEARS AGO, QUOTE,

CITING THE NEED TO COLLECTINTELLIGENCE AND COMBAT

TERRORISM.

THERE IS NO TERROR ATBURNING MAN. THERE IS NO

TERROR EXCEPT THAT YOU HAVETO [BLEEP] IN THE DIRT BUT

OTHER THAN THAT THERE IS NOTERROR.

THE REPORT FOUND NO THREATSOF COURSE BESIDES THE USE OF

ILLEGAL DRUGS AND ONE INSTANCEOF AN ATTEMPTED VIBE

KILLING.

SO WITH THAT IN MIND,COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO GIVE ME AS MANY OTHERFINDINGS FROM THE F.B.I.

BURNING MAN PROBE AS YOU CANIN 60 SECONDS.

AND BEGIN.

HARI.

>> A MAN WAS SET ON FIRE!

>> POINTS.

>> Chris: KYLE.

>> AGENT WILLIAMS IS A[BLEEP] BUZZKILL.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS,HARI.

>> THOSE MUSHROOMS WERE NOTPORTABELLO.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> SHIRT COCKING THEPRACTICE OF WEARING A

T-SHIRT AND NOTHING ELSE ISRAMPANT.

>> Chris: OH MY GOD, LET'SMAKE SHIRT COCKING A THING.

>> THAT'S A REAL THING. >> IT IS?

JUST A T-SHIRT WITH DICK ANDBALLS.

>> Chris: LIKE A FOUR YEAROLD?

>> YES.

>> Chris: WE HAVE TO DOTHAT.

I'M GONNA IMAGINE YOU ARE ALLDOING THAT NOW.

POINTS TO MATT.

HARI.

>> I WORE A THONG BUT THESPORTS JACKET GAVE ME AWAY.

>> Chris: MATT BRAUNGER.

>> DRESSING LIKE YOU ARE IN"MAD MAX": ALLOWED. ACTING LIKE

YOU'RE IN "MAD MAX": NOTALLOWED.

>> Chris: KYLE.

>> GUY JUGGLING DEVIL STICKSMADE ME GO DOWN ON HIS WIFE

IN A BROKEN WINDMILL.