Weather people on TV.
They're like Stormfieldor Dallas Raines.
Peter Partly Cloudy.Lou Low Pressure Center.
There's no other newspeople...
There's no Harry Headlineor Andrew Anchor.
And they can't justgive you the weather.
They have to giveyou advice, too-- they go,
"Mom, don't put awaythose umbrellas yet
"because we're going to get
"a little bit of the wet stuffthis weekend.
A little bit of the wet stuff."
Why do they say that?
Are there people who wouldn'tknow what to do?
Are there people, like,"The weatherman says
"it's going to rain, but hedidn't say what to do about it.
"Do you know?Does anybody know what to do?
"Is there a contraptionwe can use?
"Oh, wait a second. He saidsomething about umbrellas.
"But, Mom, you didn't put awaythose umbrellas yet, did you?
"In the underground shelterwhere you normally put them
"because you thinkthere's not going to be
"any more of the wet stuff?
"Did you put the umbrellasin public storage?
Why are you overthere, Mom? Come."
I love whenever theydowngrade a hurricane
to a tropical depression.
Because I always thinkof a tropical depression
as how I feel three songsinto a Jimmy Buffet concert.
Huh? I'm not afraidto go after Jimmy Buffet.
I'll take him down.
It's not easy being a comedian.
I know you think peoplethink it's a cakewalk,
whatever that is.
But I got a call last month--a comic friend-- he goes,
"Hey, you wantto do a private party?
"I can't make it. I'd loveto do it, but I can't make it.
"It's for a movie producer.
"You're going to go to his housefor his birthday party.
It'll be great.It'll be great exposure."
Is that what it is?
I have to go to people's housesand entertain them?
He's, like, there's no money,great exposure.
What other profession wouldyou try and pull that with?
You never... You calla plumber, and you say,
"Hey, you wantto come over to my house
"and re-pipe my house for me?
"I can't pay you any money, butit'll be great exposure for you.
"There'll be... There's otherhomeowners there,
"and you can makesome connections.
You'll re-pipe my house,but you'll make connections."
Why am I overacting?
I actually performedan Orthodox Jewish wedding
where the men were separatedfrom the women,
but they both came together
to not enjoywhat I was talking about.
I was... it's a verystrange business I'm in.
I was in Las Vegas, and I usedto play this comedy club where,
after the club, you'd signT-shirts for people.
My friend was, like, don't youthink that's a little cheesy
that you have to sign T-shirts?
Yeah, that sticks outlike a thumb here
in classy Las Vegas.
Hope the people coming outof the naked, underwater
female impersonator showwon't be put off
by me signing the T-shirts.
Hope the guy coming outof the Danny Ganz concert
with the "Get Her Done" T-shirtwon't feel it's gauche.
I used to have a PR personto get my career going,
and it's the worst, becausethey charge a lot of money.
All they do is they try and getyou excited about your career.
You know?They call you up and go,
"There's a lot of buzz.A lot of buzz.
"Mostly coming from us, butpeople are talking about you.
"They're talking about you.
Mostly here at the PR firm, butit's going to be exciting."
Then all they would do is theywould send me a sheet of paper
about a gigI already knew I had.
They would try to make it soundmore exciting, you know?
"You will arrive at John F.Kennedy International Airport
"at 3:00 a.m. in the morning,
"where you will be whiskedby taxi,
"that you pay for yourself,
"to your parents' homein Queens, New York,
"where you will get to sleep
in the very bedyou slept in as a child!"
about Hitler--Jewish people, we are obsessed.
We're repulsed by Hitler,but we're obsessed with him.
If you ever wantto rob a Jewish person's house,
all you have to do is call themup and tell them
there's a Hitler film festivaldown at the multiplex.
Watch 'em... watch 'em file out!
The other night on TV,I watched a show,
it was called Hitler in Color. That's all it needed.
Two hours. I'm therefor the entire two hours.
Hitler in Color.
I've seen himin black and white.
I've never seen him in color.
It was a great movie,made in Germany,
about the final days of Hitler.
It was called Downfall.
You could never makethat movie in Hollywood.
You couldn't pitch it.You'd, like, go in the studio,
"I got a great ideaabout a movie.
It's about the last daysof Hitler, and..."
"What happens in the end?"
"Well, he kills himself."
"Ooh! That's a downer.Does he...?
That's a little bit of a...It brings me down there."
I said, "Well, it's Hitler."
"Hey, I'm not makinga value judgment.
"I'm just saying, that's adepressing end to that movie.
"Does he have to die at the end?Can we leave it open?
"Maybe we don't knowwhat happens, and then
"we do a sequelwhere he's in Argentina
"running a Jamba Juice stand.
Can we try that?"
I wish I had...
So, about Hitler, I wishI had written the script,
which I don't think they wouldhave come to me to write it,
'cause I don't think it neededto be punched up, but...
(solitary laugh)Thank you.
Even if just two people laughat that line, I'm happy.
But if I had written it,
I would have included one linejust for my own amusement.
I would have had someone walkinto a scene and say,
"I just got backfrom Hitler's bunker.
"I think he's startingto lose it.
"I just came backfrom Hitler's bunker.
Has he been acting strange?"
You know what's ironic is thatI am against the death penalty,
and yet my porno nameis Lethal Injection.
Isn't that weird?
I love old-time comics,and show business stories,
even if they're not true.
Like, Jerry Lewis, supposedly,when he was backstage,
before he would come outand do a show,
he would walk backstage,and he would wear,
like, a tuxedo shirt,with a tuxedo jacket,
but no pants.
'Cause he wanted to make surehe put his pants on
right before he came out,so everything looked good,
there was no, you know, creasein the pants. That's great.
Meanwhile, he didn't changehis act for 75 years!
That didn't bother him.
"What do you got tonight, Jerry?You got something new?"
"Yeah. I'm going to shovea pickle up my nose."
like a white Chris Rock.
Do you think that's true?Look at that. Come on.
Get your stare on, everybody.Look at me. Yes.
I'm not talkingabout white people.
I'm talking about crackers!
Yeah, I'm like the illegitimateson of Jerry and Elaine.
Look at me. Look at this.
Come on. Yeah.
You laugh.I have to live like this.
Yeah. Not that cool.
I was reading in oneof those men's magazines--
I think it was Oprah--
and it said...Whatever! You don't know me.
You have no idea.
Said if you're not involved
in one of theseonline dating services,
you're just going to get leftbehind socially, you know?
I'm not afraidto try something new. I'm not.
I signed up.
Changed my life.
I went from feelingpretty good about myself
to feeling like a leperalone in a room, typing.
"I like the outdoors, too.
"My favorite color is gray.
Some technology is great though.
I love my cell phone.
You know, not only canI communicate mobilely,
but it sucks all the greaseright off my face.
Have you seen that? Yeah!
Every time I get offthe phone, I'm, like,
is there Crisco in my ear?
This is disgusting, you know?
I need to clean my phone, butI don't. It's gross. I don't.
I just rub it on my pants.That's what I do.
Oh, you do it, too!
You do it, too!You rub it on your pants!
In between the text messages,you're rubbing it on your pants.
Yeah, I'm still here.
I'm exfoliating. How are you?
Yeah, I'm cleansing.
Have you ever metone of those people
who is just completely immuneto depression?
"How can you be depressed, Ryan,when the sun is shining
and the birds are singing?"
Really? It's pretty easy.
You know what I do?I pick up a newspaper. Yeah.
Tells me the sun's eventuallygoing to kill us all.
Those pretty birds you likeso much? They have the flu.
Yeah. And it's contagious.
Have a nice day.
Then I give them a heel click.
That's what I do.
Listen, it's not very often
that you see sarcasmin a heel click, all right?
Lot of peoplewon't attempt that.
I have a strong core,so it's fine.
You don't know me.You have no idea!
You don't knowwhat's under here.
I've been thinkingabout getting Lasik surgery,
so I've been watching some ads.
You know, I saw an ad:$295 per eye.
That seems a little bit low.Right?
I'm not into bargain surgery.
You know,I don't need to coupon clip
for anything that involvesa laser and my eyeball.
Here's the other thing:$295 per eye?
Who's not gettingthe whole package?
Are you telling methere's a lot of people
walking into the Lasik place,walking out
like Popeyeuntil the paycheck comes in?
Yeah, I can only affordto fix one. That's it.
Could you move over to my righta little bit, please?
Just your left.
I lost a lot of this over here.
I did that joke once,
a woman in the audienceyelled out,
"I just had one eye done."
Like that.She was for real.
She had one eyesurgically corrected
for long-distance vision.
She kept the other eyefor nearsighted vision.
Yeah, what kind of tortureare you living in?
I'm reading, I'm reading,I'm reading, I'm driving.
I'm driving, I'm driving,I'm driving, I'm driving,
I'm reading again.
I'm reading, I'm driving,
to sell their products.
Like care dealershipsare the craziest.
These people throw a party,have you ever noticed that?
They get the streamers out,they got balloons up
like they're conductingweather experiments
You know, they've gotthe search lights out there.
Like Batman's going to show upand apply for credit
or something, you know?
They're giving awayfree hot dogs
like it's no big deal.
Yeah, I'll takea $25,000 automobile
if you throw ina hot dog, you bet I will. Yeah.
I don't need a navigationsystem, just some condiments.
That's all I need, you know.
My favorite though, is thatcrazy, inflatable dancing man
out there on the street.
You know, you've seen him.
He's probably at the cell phonestore, whatever.
The guy out there just...
Zero percent financing.
Where is it?
Right over there.
Not a good pointer.
You are so welcome.
If you see me adoringly lookat my beer throughout my set,
it's because I have
my set list on the back.
I'm a really bad comic.
I... I... I am.
that you have to watch me.
And, um...but I can't remember.
I can't remember anything.
So I have to write iton the back.
And so throughthe set I'll be like...
And I'm like... it looks likeI'm in love with my beer like,
What trouble are we goingto get into tonight?
Drunk alone trouble?
At home again, falling asleepto Stand By Me.
For the 30th time this month.
a way to get your self-esteemup at a bar is, all right,
who here, gay or straight,have been to a gay bar?
Yeah. A lot more girlsare clapping than guys.
'Cause girls like to go becausethey like to dance.
And there's a lot of dancingat gay bars.
And like sometimes I'll behanging out with some girls--
they're like,"Let's go to a gay bar."
I'm like, "Whatever you say."
I'm not in a positionto tell them no.
And so like we'll goand I'll be hanging out
and like, it's weird
'cause you get so manyrandom compliments.
Being like a guy like meat a gay bar.
And like... or just any guyI think.
It's not... it's not malicious,it's not in a sexual way.
You know, like a guywill come by
and he's like,"Hey, nice sweater."
I'll go, "Wow, thank you."
He's like,"Well, see you later. Bye."
Hey, I do dress pretty cool.He's right.
Oh, wow, I feel pretty good.
So what I want to do, is I wantto start pre-drinking
at gay bars during happy hour.
You know, just have
a couplecheap drinks, you know,
get compliments from the fellas.
You know, start feeling goodbefore you go out
to, you know, a straight barand hit on girls
with your newfound self-esteem.
You just got to be... you gotto be careful though.
You don't want to, you know,drink yourself
into some new sexual lifestyle.
Or maybe you do,I don't know.
You know what?
is having a lot of fun,
but at the same time, anytimeanyone ever goes out
you notice that everyonecalls it a meat market.
Anytime anyone goes out,bars, clubs, restaurants--
it's always a meat market.
Everyone's always checkingeveryone else out.
You know,sizing everyone else up,
and seeing how they look and howthey could be with them.
But, like, you know, especiallyat bars--
no one ever talks about
like, when the bars close, like,
there's like a sweet meat marketsidewalk sale, you know.
Everyone's just drunkand on the sidewalk
looking for something--anything.
And you pretty muchjust need a barker and just,
come on, 50% off...your standards.
Come on, you won't carehow chubby...
uh, I live in a little placecalled Hollywood, California.
Yeah, I'm embarrassedto say that.
As much as you would think I am.
It's a horrible place.
But the best part is the little,little fun things
you get to experience alongthe way of living there
where you get to run into likethese random celebrities.
They're just walking aroundand like, I remember one time
I ran into Dan Ackroyd.
I was like, oh, my God,Dan Ackroyd!
This is awesome.
Like early Saturday Night Live days.
And I got really excitedand I went up to him.
But he got angry at me whenI asked for his autograph.
And I think it's because I askedhim to sign it
"The old Dan Ackroyd."
Can you put "circa '75"?
I don't got a time machine,dude, sorry.
God, thank you so much.That is so nice.
I really need this.
I'm a little depressed tonight.
You know of all nights.AUDIENCE:Aw.
Thanks for the fake sympathy,
huge-breasted girlsin the front row.
Look at those.
No, I'll tell you why,I'll tell you why.
I was on the bus today...
I was on the busand this little girl
started playing with my hair.
And so I looked at her momto be, like, you know,
hey, get your daughter off me.
She's not that cute.
Well, she wasn't.
And the mother looksat me and goes,
"You look just likeher Cabbage Patch Doll."
You're so sweet.Don't feel bad for me.
I think I'm like so pretty.
No, I do, I do.It's not...
Do you have any friendsthat think
they're way better lookingthan they are?
Maybe it's you, I don't know,but, uh...
but it's not my fault.
My mom made me thinkI was gorgeous.
Did anybody else's parentsdo this?
When I was youngershe was like...
"Look at you!
You're an angel.You sparkle."
And I was like, "I do."
You believe your parents.
And I just remember walking
into middle schooland I was just like...
I was like, "You'll allget to meet me.
Form a line," you know.
And they were like,"What are these?"
And I was like, "Cool bangs.
Can I sitat your lunch table?"
And they were like, "No,"you know.
They were like,"You're gross."
And I was like, "Really?
Then why am I wearing this Cats: The Musical sweatshirt?"
Explain that, everybody.
when I was younger.
But then old story--I got the braces off...
of my legs, and uh...
Things picked up, you know.
Then I dated a deaf guy.
He couldn't hear.
That's what that means.
It was awesome, though.
no faking orgasms.
I'd just be like,"You're doing great.
You're really doing it."
Or if I was really bitchyI'd really ham it up
and I'd be like, "Oh, this isso disappointing.
"You are hung likea hamster.
Can you lip read that?Hamster?"
but we were long-distancefor a little while,
and what do you wind up doingwhen you're long-distance?
That's right,you have phone sex.
Um, but when it'swith a deaf person
there's a relay service.
Somebody elseis in the mix.
And I really thinkthose operators
add their own stuff in,you know.
'Cause I would say somethinglike, you know,
"I'm taking off my clothes,"
and I'd get something backthat was so not like him
like, "I'm touching my vagina."
And I was like, "Who is this?
What are you wearing?"You know?
We had to break up though.
You know, we wanteddifferent things.
Like he wanted kids,
and I wanted him to hear, so...
You go your separate ways,you know. It's just...
It's what you do.
But I'm in a relationship again.
I'm like, honestly,
I'm so in love with my boyfriendright now.
Everything is perfect,
but we want totally differentthings in bed, you know?
Like he's always turningthe lights on,
you know what I'm saying?
And I shut 'em off
and he puts 'em on.
And the other day he was like,"Amy, why are you so shy?
You know, you havea beautiful body."
And I was like, "Oh, my God,you're so cute.
You think I don't wantyou to see me."
But I, I want to leave you guyson a really positive note.
My best friend from collegejust had a baby.
It's exciting, right?
You're like, "You'llnever see her again.
That's not exciting."
Um... No, you know.
And I'll never forgethow she told us.
She took us all out to brunch,
and she was like, "You guys,
I'm keeping this one."
We're like, "What?!"
We're like, "What are you doing?People keep them?"
It was just crazy.
And, you won't believe it,
she made me the godmother.
Isn't that craz... Isanybody a godparent here?
Big responsibility, right?
Yeah.You have to love them forver.
I'm like, I can't even makethat commitment to my parents.
You know what I mean?
My dad's like, "Will youpush me in my..."
I'm like, "I don't know what I'mgoing to be doing, you know?"
Like I have my schedule for...
But no, I, I love,
I love her child so much.
She says I'm actinglike she's mine now.
Just 'cause I'm alwayslike over there
you know, and buying her things.
Like, even if I feed her,she gets mad.
I'm like, "Who cares whosebreast it is? She's hungry."
with that, uh,childhood nursery rhyme
about Humpty Dumpty.
And it kinda hasthat depressing ending,
It's not funny.
It is, it's sad.
You know, where he says, uh...
"And all the king's horses,and all the king's men,
Couldn't put Humptyback together again."
Uh, here's an idea.
Maybe don't give the horsesthe first go at it.
Yeah, they're just horses.
(whispers):I think they're justmaking it worse.
Shut up-- thoseare the king's horses.
We're gonna get in trouble.
So, yeah, uh,I live in Austin now.
which is, uh...a pretty sweet place.
If you've never been there,you should check it out.
Austin's a cool place.
Although, I have to say
that, uh, now that I live there,
I actually findI'm around the people
that I can't standto be around the most.
Which are theseelitist people.
like hipster peoplethat have an opinion
on, like, everythingyou should wear,
and, like, all the cool musicyou should listen to.
And, you know, like, they'llcritique any movie you like
you know, just like,as you're watching something,
walk into the roomand just be like,
You like Short Circuit?
The book is better."
And there's a lot of peopleI don't think I'll ever get.
But always number oneon the list...
is the "I'm going to peel outof this parking lot" guy.
You know, you never see him,you just hear him.
At like 2:00... in the morning.
What is everyone
supposed to think, you know?
What does he want you to do?
Like hear him and justturn to your friend
like, "Look out for that guy.
"That guy is a bad ass.
"Do you think that's Vin Diesel?
I don't want to find out."
And then, like, what is hethinking too, you know?
Just like, peels outof this parking lot,
Just gets all super-excited.
Like, "Tonightthe grocery store!
my old high school."
people do something,
thinking they're helping
and they're not.
Like, just doinga really bad job of it.
You know, like they have tips
on what to do in caseyour house is on fire
you know, like,
home fire safety tips.
My favorite one is,they always say,
have a meeting placeoutside the house.
You know, that waywhen you realize
your house is on fire,
just run outto the old meeting place
and avoid being in harm's way.
But I don't care who you are,
you have to feel likethe world's biggest (bleep)
if you're the first one there.
You know, how awkward is that?
Like, right, the tree.
Well, that is really a fire.
I hope everything'scool in there.
Still nobody here.
And I guess it didn'tmake much sense
to lock up when I left.
Nice jacket, ma'am.
Usually the responseto a compliment is thank you.
Guess it's true whatthey say about New Yorkers.
You know what's pretty coolis when you put on a jacket
you haven't wornin a long time
and you finda $20 bill in the pocket
you didn't know wasgoing to be there.
And you buy yourselfsome weed to celebrate.
That happened to me tonight
when I borrowedmy friend's jacket.
So I've been broke a lot.
So whenever I get downto like my last three dollars,
I'd always headto the nearest 7-Eleven,
the white trash casino,
and I'd buy a 40 ounce of beer
and a lottery scratch ticket.
And I would drink the beer
and I'd, uh, scratch the ticket
and it'd always be some game
with some dream-come-true name, you know, like,
"Pot o' Gold"or "Win the Millions,"
or "Money Stack," you know,and there's a picture
of a big stack of moneyon the ticket.
I think a better namefor those games would
be... "Spend the Child Support."
And what you'd do is you'dscratch the food
out of a baby's mouth.
But I think that the best,most honest name
for a scratch ticket gamewould be
And there wouldn't beany picture on the ticket,
just a shiny,reflective surface...
over the printedprize possibilities
And as you use the coin
to rub away the reflectionof your face,
you would actually
be losingyour identity to gambling.
You guys ever been caught
you know, uh, checkingyourself out in the mirror
by someone else?
You've been caught? Anybody?
I know this lady did.
I remember whenI was a little kid.
I had never kisseda girl before.
I was probably like...26 years old.
I was like
in third grade and I hada crush on this girl.
I wanted to kiss herand I wanted to be cool,
you know, like the moviestars are, you know?
And so I was practicingwhat I wanted to say to her
before I moved in for the kiss,and I was like...
"You're a total fox."
I started kissing the mirrorwith my eyes open
to make sure that I looked likethe movie stars did, you know?
Do it right. And my dadwalked in on me.
And I could tell right away thathe was embarrassed, you know.
Not that he caught me,but that I was his son.
But he was cool about it.
He just goes...
"Nice work, son.
You got good self-esteem."
But I'm glad I practicedkissing the mirror
as much as I did
because I will be well prepared
if I ever kiss a ladywith a really flat face.
Who looks like me.
And the other thingI used to do--
I don't know if you guysever did this--
but I would practicehaving sex before I had sex.
This is what I used to do
so you'll have to picture it.
I would put my wiener betweenthe mattress and the box spring
and I would hump it
And I... I'm just glad my dad
didn't walk in on that.
because what do yousay to your son
you catch him humpinghis bed, you know?
"Nice work, Son.
Now, that's how we say thank youfor a good night's sleep."
But I'm glad thatI practiced humping my bed
as much as I did.
Because I will be well preparedif I ever make love to a lady
with a giant, horizontal vagina.
and they say,"Vargus, why do you look like
a broke-ass Lenny Kravitz?"
I'll admit it, I am notyour typical black comedian.
I don't do a lotof jokes about white people.
I'd like to, but I was bornin Denver, Colorado.
It is hard to make fun of whitepeople if you're from Denver,
'cause you can't do the "make-fun-of-white-people" voice.
Do you know whatI'm talking about?
If I wanted to talkwhiter at this point,
I'd have to break offinto Old English.
I'd have to do jokes like,
"Yeah, you know whenblack people make love?
"When we hit it, we like,'Ooh, baby. Ooh, girl.'
"When white people hit it,they're like,
"'These are the forgeriesof jealousy.
"'And never since the middleWinter-Spring have we met
"'by hill, dale,forest or mead...
when they kidnap the children?
Isn't that sad?
But if you noticed, paidattention in any Amber Alert,
you might have noticed,they only kidnap
the little angel in the familythat everybody loves and misses.
Why don't we everhear about them
kidnapping bad ass children?
I think people don't reportthose Amber Alerts.
'Cause you never hear somebodyon the news, like,
"Oh, my God.They took Crazy Pookie.
"They took Crazy Pookie.
We gonna have to callhis parole officer."
What is a ransom phone call like
if you kidnapsomebody's bad ass child?
What is that like?
"Hello? Yeah?You took Crazy Pookie?
"You bit off a little more thanyou can chew, didn't you?
"Stop crying, sir.
"Hey, he took the candy.He got in the van.
"He's yours now.
"You really wantto bring him back?
Okay, fine.How much money you got?"
That's what I'm saying--beat your kids.
(whooping)Yes, beat your kid, go ahead.
But do not, do not beat themthe way my mom used to beat us.
My mom had that single-motherdisgruntled ass-whupping.
If you don't knowwhat I'm talking about,
it's the ass-whupping that's onevery syllable of every word.
You know what I'm saying?
All right, let me break itdown for some of you
who don't knowwhat I'm talking about.
It's like this.
"Don't... you... ev... er...
do... that... a... gain."
But my mom went to school,
she knew how to usebig words if she was upset.
She'd be like,
"Get... to... your... room...
ex... po... den...ti... ous... ly.
Super... cali... fragil...istic... expi... ali... docious.
My sister'd be right behind her,antagonizing her.
♪ Um diddle-diddle,um diddle ay ♪
♪ Um diddle-diddle, um diddle ay ♪
We were traumatized.
We were the kids
in the English class,the teacher would say,
"Kids, can anybody tell us
how many syllablesare in 'expeditiously'?"
Dear, God. Six.
Hot water burn baby.
I never got my ass whupped
like my brothersand sisters did, though.
'Cause my mom, she grew up
during the Civil Rightsmovement,
and I knew if I could soundlike a Civil Rights leader
I could get outof an ass-whupping.
Mom would comewhup me out of bed.
(child voice):"Hold on, Mom. Hold on.
"Um, you can whupmy butt if you want to,
"but I want you to know...
(a la Martin Luther King Jr.):"that there will come a time...
"there will come a timewhen you will no longer need
"to whup a child's ass.
"There will come a timewhen G.I. Joe and Barbie
"can join hands ina world more spiritual
"singing 'Free my ass,free my ass.
Thank God, all mighty,you freed my ass.'"