Comedy Central Presents
Season 3

CC Presents: Dom Irrera

  • Season 3, Ep 7
  • 07/18/2000

HAVE A PIECE OF SALAMI.

HAVE A PIECE OF GOBBLEDYGOOK.

HOW YOU GUYS DOING TONIGHT?

GREAT TO SEE YOU. GREATTO BE BACK ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

[applause]

NOW, I AM DOM IRRERA,WHICH IS A STAGE NAME,

ONE OF THOSE FANCYHOLLYWOOD NAMES,

YOU KNOW, MY AGENT GAVE ME.

MY REAL NAME, MY GOD-GIVEN NAME,MY MUSLIM NAME

IS MR. SLAPPY KINCAID.

I WAS NAMED AFTER MYGRANDFATHER, SLAPPOLA KINCAIDO,

WHO CAME HEREFROM THE OLD COUNTRY,

'CAUSE LET'S FACE IT--THINGS WEREN'T GOING TOO WELL.

MY GRANDFATHER HAD NOTHING.

"YOU KIDS TODAY WITH YOUR WATER.

"WHEN WE WERE KIDS,WE DIDN'T HAVE WATER.

"WE USED TO SUCK THE FLUIDOUT OF MUD,

"AND WE WERE GRATEFULFOR THAT FLUID.

"WE DIDN'T HAVE HANDS.

WE HAD FLIPPERS IN THOSE DAYS."

MY NAME IS DIFFICULTTO DEAL WITH, YOU KNOW.

IT'S LIKE NOBODY BELIEVES ME.THEY DON'T LISTEN.

I GO, "DOM."

THEY ARGUE WITH MELIKE I DON'T KNOW MY NAME.

I SAY, "DOMINIC."

I'LL GO, "DOM."THEY'LL GO, "DON?"

"DOM."

"DAN?"

"DOM."

"DON?"

"DOM."

"DONNA?"

"YEAH, DONNA."

"DOMMY DON TOM DON?SLAPPY, IS THAT YOU?"

SOME GUY RECOGNIZED MEIN WEST PALM.

HE GOES, "MAN, YOU ARE ONE OF MYFAVORITE COME--I LOVE YOU."

HE GOES,"YOU'RE MY FAVORITE COMEDIAN.

UH, DON AMECHE, RIGHT?"

OKAY, I'M DON AMECHE.

I DIED ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AGO,BUT I'M STILL DOING MY ACT.

I JUST CAN'T LET GO OF THE ACT.

[laughter]

NOW, I DON'T WANT TO BRAG,ALL RIGHT,

BUT I TAKE COMPLETE CREDITFOR THE SOPRAN AS IT IS TODAY

AND GODFATHERS I AND II,BECAUSE THEY WATCHED MY ACT.

THEY WATCHED MY,"BADDA-BOOM, BADDA-BING,"

AND, GOD BLESS THEM,RUN WITH IT, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

I HAVE A SCHOOL FOR ITALIANS

WHERE I USED TO TEACH ITALIANSHOW TO BE MORE ITALIAN:

TEACH THEM HOW TO CRANK UP THEIRASS, HOW TO PICK THEMSELVES UP,

HOW TO SAYALL THE CATCH ITALIAN PHRASES--

"FORGET ABOUT IT.

"DEFINITELY.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YO, WHO DIED AND LEFT YOU BOSS?"

TEACH ALL THE ITALIAN VOWELS:"AH, AY, EE, OH, OOOOOH."

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID,I LIVED IN SOUTH PHILLY,

AND I WOULD SEE THE GUYSON THE CORNER.

THAT'S WHEN I LEARNED FROM THEM.

I'D SEE THEM."HEY, LOUIE? NOUGHT FOR NOUGHT.

"HOW COME YOUDON'T COME AROUND, EH?

"EVERYBODY WAS AROUNDOVER HERE--

"LITTLE PETEY, BIG PETEY,REGULAR PETEY.

"JOEY BAG-OF-DONUTS WAS HERE.

"JIMMY THE WALLMANS,NICKY POTATO SALAD,

"SQUID LID, MUSCLES MARINARA,

"IRREGULAR PETEY,CARMELA LEMON-COLA,

"ORTHOPETEY, REPEATY,

"NICKY SCUNGILLI,AND THE FIVE BACCALA' BROTHERS.

"HOW COME YOU DON'T COME AROUND?

"I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

[applause]

"I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWYOU WAS AROUND.

"IF I'DA KNOWN THAT,I'DA BEEN AROUND.

ARIGHT? ARIGHT?ARIGHT?"

EVEN THE COEN BROTHERSRIPPED ME OFF,

AND I LOVE THE COEN BROTHERS,GOD BLESS THEM.

THE BIG LEBOWSKI?

MY LINES, VERBATIM,BUT AT LEAST THEY LET ME DO IT.

RIGHT?

MY UNCLE JOE--"UNCLE JOE, HOW YOU DOIN'?"

"AH, MY WIFE'SA PAIN IN THE ASS.

"SHE ALWAYS BUSTIN'MY FRICKIN' CHOPS.

"MY DAUGHTER'S MARRIEDTO A LOSER BASTARD.

"I GOT A RASH SO BAD ON MY ASS,I CAN'T EVEN SIT DOWN.

"BUT YOU KNOW ME, DOM.I CAN'T COMPLAIN.

NOT MY STYLE."

AND I LOVE BEING A COMEDIAN.

I LOVE BEING A COMEDIAN,BECAUSE IT'S PURE.

YOU CAN BE HONEST.

CERTAIN OCCUPATIONS,YOU CAN'T BE HONEST:

BARBER, HAIRDRESSER.

THESE GUYS HAVE TO BE TACTFUL,DIPLOMATIC.

GUY GOES INTO A BARBER SHOP--ALL THOSE PICTURES ON THE WALL.

"I'D LIKE TO LOOK LIKE HIM."

THE BARBER CAN NEVER GO,"LISTEN, YOU FAT PIG,

"HE IS A MALE MODEL.YOU ARE A HUMAN SLOTH.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

"YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE HIM?

"HOW 'BOUT IF I START BYTRIMMING SOME OF YOUR FAT FACE,

"YOU PORKADELIC;

"YOU CENTERFOLDFOR MEAT MAGAZINE;

"YOU HEAVING,HUMPING HOG OF LIFE.

I DON'T MEAN THAT IN A BAD WAY."

[applause]

YOU CAN'T HAVE AN HONESTFOURTH-GRADE SCHOOLTEACHER.

"MR. AND MRS. JONES, JOHNNY,YOUR SON, YOUR ONLY CHILD,

"THE FRUIT OF YOUR LOINIS A MORON.

"I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS KID

"FINDS A DOOR TO GETOUT OF THE HOUSE IN THE MORNING.

"IF I WERE YOU, I WOULDWASTE HIM AND START OVER.

NOW, I SAY THATWITH ALL DUE RESPECT."

"I DON'T MEAN THATIN A BAD WAY."

THAT'S MY COUSIN JOHNNYWITH THE ITALIAN ERASER PHRASE,

"HEY, DOM, NOT FOR NOTHIN',

"THAT GUY IS A LOW-LIFE SCUMMYLITTLE FAT RAT WEASEL BASTARD.

"I DON'T MEAN THAT IN A BAD WAY.

"DON'T TAKE ME WRONG.

"WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,YOUR SISTER'S A SLUT.

"NOW, I SAID THATWITH ALL DUE RESPECT.

"YOU SEE I DID--I MEAN, SHE HASONE OF THE BIGGEST PUTANS.

"EVEN WHEN SHE CROSSES HER LEGS,THEY DON'T CLOSE ALL THE WAY,

"BECAUSE SHE'S SO STRETCHED OUT.

"BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

THE POINT IS, SHE'S BLOOD."

THERE IT IS.

THIS IS MY BACKGROUND:

THE ITALIAN THING,THE WHOLE FOOD, THE BADDA-BOOM.

THIS IS WHAT I LOVE.

I LOVE THE FOOD.I LOVE TO EAT.

AND I LOVE BEING A COMEDIAN.

I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH.

AND IT ALWAYS KILLS ME--THESE PEOPLE THAT--

THEY FEEL BAD FOR ME, LIKE,'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE A SERIES,

YOU KNOW.

AND I KNOW THEY MEAN WELL.

"YOU KNOW, MAN, IT'S A SHAMEYOU DON'T HAVE A SERIES, RIGHT?"

IF I COULD JUST SAY,"THANK YOU."

I FEEL LIKE SAYING, "YEAH, IT'SA SHAME YOU'RE 42 YEARS OLD,

"YOU LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER, ANDYOU WORK AT CHUCK E. CHEESE.

THAT ALSO BREAKS MY HEART."

SOME GUY TELLS MEABOUT SEINFELD, RIGHT?

HE GOES--AND I KNOW JERRYSINCE THE BEGINNING, RIGHT?

NOT TO BE A NAME DROPPER.

I KNOW EVERYBODYIN SHOW BUSINESS,

AND I LOVE THEM ALL DEARLY.

BARBRA STREISAND:FINEST PERSON YOU EVER MET.

YOU COULDN'T GETBETTER THAN HER.

ANYWAYS, SOMEBODY SAYS TO MEABOUT SEINFELD--HE GOES,

"YOU KNOW SEINFELD?"

I GO, "YEAH,I KNOW HIM VERY WELL."

HE GOES, "YOU LIKE HIM?"

AND I KNEW HE WANTED TO DIG HIM.

I GO, "YEAH, I LIKE HIM A LOT."

HE GOES, "[spits]WHAT'S HE GONNA DO NOW?"

I SAID, "WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

"HE'S GONNA TRY AND SPEND$1 BILLION.

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?

"HEAT UP YOUR HUNGRY MANMACARONI AND CHEESE

AND WATCH THE JETSONS?"

AND THIS IS WHAT I LOVE.

I LOVE TO DRINK, AND MY--I WANTTO BE A BLOATED ALCOHOLIC.

THAT'S MY GOAL.

IT IS.I'M SERIOUS.

BECAUSE THERE ISNO OTHER DISEASE

THAT IS MORE FUNTHAN ALCOHOLISM.

I KNOW IT HAS ITS DOWN SIDE,BUT I'M TELLING YOU,

THERE'S NO OTHER PARTY DISEASELIKE ALCOHOL.

YOU DON'T GET, LIKE,

A GROUP OF PEOPLE WITH MALARIAGOING TO A MALARIA BAR.

"THIS IS GREAT.

"I GOT THE CHILLS,BUT I'M SWEATING.

"HEY, LET'S GOTO THAT PSORIASIS BAR.

"I'M ITCHING TO GET IN THERE.

THERE'S A CHUNK OF MY SHOULDERRIGHT IN YOUR FACE."

THERE IN THE PSORIASIS BAR.

BUT ALCOHOL--YOU CAN PARTY.

ALCOHOLISMWITH TOURETTE'S SYNDROME,

YOU CAN CURSE AND PARTY.

IT'S GREAT.IT'S A GREAT DISEASE. FUN.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSEIS BEAUTIFUL ABOUT IT?

THE IDEATHAT YOU CAN QUIT SOMETHING,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

YOU GET MORE CREDITTHAN IF YOU NEVER HAD IT.

IT'S LIKE--YOU EVER WATCH, LIKE, OPRAH, AND THERE IS A GUY--

A GUY NEVER GETS CREDITWHO WAS JUST A GOOD GUY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,HERE'S A GUY.

HE QUIT DOING HEROINFOR OVER A MONTH

AND STOPPED BEATINGHIS WIFE AND CHILDREN,

AND PEOPLE ARE CRYINGAND APPLAUDING.

"OH, GOD BLESS HIM."

AND HERE--THE GUY WHO, LIKE--

HERE'S THE GUY WHO STOOD BYHIS FAMILY THROUGH EVERYTHING.

HE LOVED HIS KID SISTER.

HE TOOK CAREOF HIS ELDERLY AUNT.

"BOO. GOODY TWO-SHOES.

"YOU THINKYOU'RE BETTER THAN EVERYBODY.

"WHAT ABOUT THAT HEROIN ADDICT?

"HUH, FOLKS?

GIVE HIM A HANDFOR GOD'S SAKES."

YOU EVER GET SICK,

AND ONE OF YOUR FRIENDSGIVES YOU MEDICAL ADVICE--

AND THEY TELL YOUTHAT THEY'RE NOT A DOCTOR,

LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT?

MY FRIEND TONY SAYS, "HEY, DOM.

"THIS STUFF WILL CLEANYOU RIGHT OUT.

BUT I'M NOT A DOCTOR."

"TONY, I HAD NO IDEAYOU WEREN'T A DOCTOR.

"I MEAN, I KNEW YOU COULDN'T GETOUT OF SEVENTH GRADE

"'CAUSE YOU COULDN'T READ.

"I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WEREONE OF THE FINEST NEUROSURGEONS

"IN NORTH AMERICA.

"BOY, THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY'LLBE STUNNED

"WHEN THEY FIND OUT A MANOF LETTERS SUCH AS YOURSELF

IS NOT AMONGST THEM."

I JUST LOVE THESE PEOPLETHAT GIVE YOU ADVICE

ABOUT THE FLU AND STUFF,LIKE YOU NEVER HEARD IT BEFORE.

"OH, YOU GOT THAT FLU?YEAH.

DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDSAND GET A LOT OF REST."

"MAN, I'M GLAD I RAN INTO YOU.

"NOW, FIRST OF ALL,YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR, ARE YOU?

"BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW

"WHERE YOU WOULD GETTHAT KIND OF INFORMATION.

"I WAS ABOUT OUT OF MY HOUSE,GONNA DO WIND SPRINTS

"AND DEHYDRATE MYSELFTILL I FELT BETTER.

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, PAL."

AND THIS I LOVE.

I LOVE THAT RED WINEIS GOOD FOR YOU.

ISN'T THAT COOL?

RED WINE--I WANT TO HEAR MORE OF THIS.

I WANT TO HEAR MORE THINGSIN LIFE LIKE,

"RED WINE IN CONJUNCTIONWITH A LAP DANCE

"WHILE WATCHING NFL FOOTBALL

IS THE BEST CARDIOVASCULARWORKOUT YOU CAN HAVE."

I'M TRYING,BUT I ALWAYS TELL PEOPLE,

"I'D RATHER YOU BE HAPPY.IT DOESN'T MATTER."

LIKE, I DON'T CARE ABOUTPEOPLE'S WEIGHT PROBLEMS.

YOU GET A GUY--

HE'S GOT A GUT OUT TO HERE,AND HE PUTS ME ON THE SPOT.

"MAN, I GOT TO LOSESOME WEIGHT, HUH?"

"NOW YOU THOUGHT OF THAT?

"YOU COULDN'T HAVE SAID ITWHEN IT WAS OUT TO HERE?

"FIVE MINUTESBEFORE YOUR ASS BLOWS OFF,

I'M ON THE SPOT?"

"DO I LOOK FAT TO YOU?"

"NO, NOT TO ME,BUT TO EVERYBODY ELSE.

TO ME, YOU'RE JUST BIG-BONED."

I LOVE THAT BIG-BONED COMMENT.

"I'M NOT REALLY FAT.I'M VERY BIG-BONED."

"ISN'T THAT AMAZING

"HOW YOU HAVE THOSE BIG,FAT BONES IN YOUR ASS?

THAT'S A PRETTY BIG BONE YOU GOTHANGING OVER YOUR BELT THERE,

BENNY BOY."

BECAUSE WHAT I ALWAYS TELLPEOPLE, "LIFE IS TOO LONG.

ENJOY IT."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIFE IS TOO LONG--YOU CAN ALWAYS--

NO MATTER HOW BIGTHE PROBLEM IS,

YOU CAN ALWAYSRUN AWAY FROM IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THAT'S MY PHILOSOPHY: GIVE UP.THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

I TELL THE KIDSWHEN I'M TEACHING,

"ALWAYS GIVE UP IN LIFE."

THIS IS WHATI'M TRYING TO TELL--

LIKE, YOU KNOW, IF YOUR ASSIS THAT BIG, FORGET IT.

THERE'S NO GOING BACK.

I DON'T CAREWHAT RICHARD SIMMONS SAYS.

ONCE IT'S THAT BIG,USE IT AS A COUCH.

ENJOY IT.

AND I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

I DON'T KNOWIF I'VE MENTIONED THIS,

BUT EVEN IF YOU EXERCISEAND LOSE WEIGHT, AT THE BEST,

ALL YOU HAVE IS EMPTY,SAGGING AIR SACS.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?GO TO A SUPERMARKET?

"WOULD THAT BE PAPEROR PLASTIC?"

"JUST FILL MY EMPTY,SAGGING AIR SACS.

THAT'S ALL THEY'RE GOOD FOR."

THAT'S WHY I SAY,"EAT. MANGIA. EAT."

BECAUSE I KNOWMY BODY'S CHANGED.

I USED TO--THERE WAS A TIMEIN MY LIFE

I DREAMED OF BEINGA PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE,

I SWEAR.

THEN I THOUGHT, "WELL, I JUSTWANT TO BE A GREAT ATHLETE.

"I WANT TO PLAY BASKETBALLALL THE TIME.

I LOVE SPORTS."

THEN, "I JUST WANT TO BEIN GOOD CARDIOVASCULAR SHAPE."

NOW I JUST DON'TWANT TO HAVE TITS.

AND NOT BEING A WISE GUYIN CERTAIN SITUATIONS, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, AT THE AIRPORT,THOSE SECURITY QUESTIONS.

I'VE GOT TO BITE MY TONGUE.

I GO TO CHECK MY BAG.

"HAS A STRANGERPACKED YOUR BAGS?"

"YOU KNOW,IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK.

"I WAS AT HOMETHE OTHER NIGHT, RIGHT?

"AND NOT ONE, BUT TWO STRANGERSCOME OVER TO MY HOUSE,

"AND THEY SAY, WE UNDERSTAND YOU'RE GOING ON A LITTLE TRIP.

"ANY CHANCE WE COULD PACK YOUR BAGS?

"WELL, YOU SEEMLIKE NICE ENOUGH STRANGERS.

"TAKE THEM UPSTAIRS.YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED.

DON'T BE A STRANGER, L'ESTRANGER."

"HAVE YOUR BAGSBEEN IN YOUR SIGHT?"

"HARD TO DRIVEAND LOOK BACK.

"I PUT THEM IN THE TRUNKWITH MY COUSIN ERNIE,

THE DEMOLITIONS EXPERT."

WHO'S GONNA TAKE SOMETHINGFROM A STRANGER ON AN AIRPLANE?

WHO'S GONNA BE THAT STUPID?

YOU'RE HOPPING ON A PLANE.YOU'RE ALL HAPPY.

GUY'S HIDING BEHINDS A PILLAR.

"HEY, PAL, PSST.COME HERE."

"WHAT IS IT?"

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT IT IS.YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.

"TAKE THIS ON THE PLANE,

"AND TELL THEMTHE STRANGER SENT YOU.

"THERE'S A LITTLEGLOW-IN-THE-DARK TRINKET

"FOR YOUR TROUBLE,BLESSED BY SAINT ANTHONY.

GET OUT OF HERE."

[applause]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THIS IS--MY WHOLE FAMILY--

ALL THEY TALK ABOUTIS FOOD AND DISEASE.

THAT'S ALL THEY TALK ABOUT:FOOD AND DISEASE.

AND THEY'RE COMPETITIVEWITH ILLNESS, YOU KNOW.

"I GOT A COLD."

"I WISH I HAD A COLD.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE SINUSESANYMORE."

IT'S FUN TO BE IN THISENVIRONMENT AGAIN, TOO, FOR ME,

'CAUSE I WAS A WAITERIN NEW YORK,

AND I WAS THE WORST WAITERIN THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK.

I WAS ONE OF THESE WAITERS:

"OH, JEEZ. CUSTOMERS--THAT'S ALL I NEED NOW.

"LIKE MY NIGHT ISN'T BAD ENOUGH.YOU GOTTA BUST MY CHOPS?

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WANT?COFFEE?

"TELL ME NOW, 'CAUSE I AIN'TDANCIN' BACK AND FORTH

"FOR YOU AND YOUR DOLLAR.

"OH, BOY. A DOLLAR.

"OH, I CAN GO TO A GOOD COLLEGEWITH MY DOL-L-L-LAR.

"IS THIS YALE UNIVERSITY?

MAY I ATTEND YOUR HALLOWED HALLSWITH MY SINGLE BUCKAROO?"

I USED TO HATETHE CHIPMUNK FAMILY.

YOU GET THESE PEOPLETHAT ARE READY TO ORDER,

AND THEY'RE ALL NERVOUSAND AGITATED.

"ME? I'LL HAVE A..."

"WHAT, LIKE A NUT, A WALNUT?

I'LL TEAR SOME BARK OFF A TREE,YOU BUCKY BEAVER BASTARD, YOU."

I LOVE THOSE GUYSWHO TRY AND GET, LIKE,

RIDICULOUS SUBSTITUTIONS.

"HEY, HEY, BROTHER,HOMESLICE, CHECK IT OUT, BRO.

"INSTEAD OF THEM CELERY STICKS,CAN I GET ME A VEAL PARMIGIANA?

"WHY DON'T YOUCHUCK THAT PARSLEY

AND SLIP ME A SHANK STEAK,HOME CHICKEN?"

THAT'S ONE THING NOBODYEVER BITCHES ABOUT IS PARSLEY.

YOU NEVER SEE SOME INDIGNANTCUSTOMER, "WAITER, PLEASE.

"CAN WE GETA LITTLE MORE PARSLEY HERE?

BE FAIR."

THE ONLY THING I COULD BEIS THE PEPPER GUY.

THE PEPPER GUY'S--YOU KNOW,HE HAS, LIKE, AN ATTITUDE.

THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO DOIS PEPPER.

"FRESH PEPPER?

ARE YOU SURE?'CAUSE I AIN'T COMING BACK."

I USED TO WORK IN A DINERIN NEW YORK.

PEOPLE WOULD COME INAND ORDER BLUEFISH

AND THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT IT,THAT IT WASN'T FRESH.

"WAITER, THE BLUEFISHISN'T FRESH."

"NO KIDDING. IT'S LOU'S DINER.IT WAS NEVER FRESH.

"MATTER OF FACT,IT WAS NEVER EVEN FISHED.

"IT WAS PROBABLY FOUND FLOATINGDEAD ON POLLUTED WATERS.

"THAT'S WHY WE CAN AFFORDTO SELL IT HERE.

"IT PROBABLY DIEDOF FOOD POISONING.

BON APPETIT."

BONA PETITE,THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND.

MY GIRLFRIEND'S FRENCH, RIGHT?

MY GIRLFRIEND'S FRENCH-CANADIAN.

[mimicking girlfriend]

LIKE A LITTLE DUCK.

AND SHE IS REALLY A BITCH.

I MEAN, SHE'S REALLY--I MEAN,I LOVE HER, BUT A BITCH.

YOU KNOW,THAT'S WHY, I THINK,

THEY HAVE INSTANT REPLAYIN FOOTBALL.

DON'T YOU WISH THEY HAD THATIN REAL LIFE?

THE GIRLFRIEND COMES HOMEIN A BITCHY MOOD.

"WHY YOU GOT THAT BITCHY LOOKON YOUR FACE?"

"I DON'T HAVE A BITCHY LOOKON MY FACE."

"OH, YEAH?

WHY DON'T WE JUST GOTO THE VIDEOTAPE?"

KNOW WHAT'S COOLABOUT STAND-UP FOR ME?

I GO TO IRELAND EVERY YEAR.

IT'S THE ONLY PLACEI'VE EVER BEEN CALLED A WUSS

FOR GOING TO BED AT 5:30IN THE MORNING.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING,DOM IRRERA, LITTLE WUSS?

"5:30?

"WHY, THE SUN'S NOT EVENCOMPLETELY UP,

"YOU LITTLE DAGO BASTARD.

"YOU CAN'T DRINK.

"YOU CAN'T DRINK, CAN YOU, DOM?

YOU CAN'T DRINK!"

[applause]

I WISH I COULD DRINK LIKE THAT.

I WISH I COULD DRINK--THAT'S WHAT--

LIKE I SAID, MY GOALIS TO BE BLOATED THIS YEAR,

AND I REALLY--I'M AMAZED BY THOSE GUYS.

THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING--LIKE, IN L.A.--

'CAUSE YOU GOTTA GET UP AT 10:00TO WATCH FOOTBALL.

THEY'RE POUNDING DOWN,LIKE, 20, 30 BEERS.

AND THEN THEY GO, "WHAT DO YOUWANT TO DO TONIGHT?"

"I DON'T KNOW.GET A BEER?"

"YEAH, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

"AFTER ABOUT 20 OR 30 BEERS,

I LIKE TO WASH IT DOWNWITH A NICE COLD BREWSKI."

THEY GO TO A BAR AND DRINKALL NIGHT, WALK OUTSIDE.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

GET ONE FOR THE ROAD?WE'LL GET A SIX PACK."

"WE'LL GET A CASE. IT'S TWOBLOCKS--WE MIGHT HIT A LIGHT."

"I GOT A KEG WITH NOZZLESAND CATHETERS.

"WE'LL INSERT THE CATHETERSIN OUR BEERS

"AND THE NOZZLES IN OUR MOUTHS.

"WE DON'T HAVE TO MOVE.

WE'LL JUST STAND THEREWITH THE REMOTE."

I LOVE THAT CULTURE,BECAUSE THEY EMBRACE LIFE.

THAT'S WHY THE CULTUREI COME FROM, I LOVE.

THEY EMBRACE LIFE.

THEY EAT.THEY GO TO RESTAURANTS.

THEY'RE NOT TOO HIP FOR FOOD.

"OH, I DON'T EAT THAT.I CAN'T HAVE THAT.

"I'LL JUST HAVE A LARGE BOWLOF STEAM.

"DO YOU HAVE STEAM?

WITH A HOT OXYGEN SOUFFLE; DOYOU HAVE A HOT OXYGEN SOUFFLE?"

I'M WITH A FRIEND.

SHE LOOKS GREAT, SHE'S IN SHAPE,BUT SHE'S MISERABLE.

I GO, "I COULD GO FOR SOMETHINGSWEET, LIKE A COOKIE."

SHE GOES,"I DON'T NEED A COOKIE."

I SAID, "NOBODY NEEDS A COOKIE."

YOU'LL NEVER GETYOUR LAB RESULTS BACK:

"WELL, APPARENTLY, MISS BEXON,WHAT YOU NEED--

"AND I AM A DOCTOR, AND I'VENEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE--

"IS SOME SORT OF A COOKIE.YOU'RE ACTUALLY TOO HEALTHY.

YOU NEED A COOKIE."

[laughter]

THIS IS EVERY DINNER.

THIS IS EVERY DINNERAT MY HOUSE.

ABOUT TO GET THE FORKTO MY MOUTH.

"YOU KNOW YOUR COUSIN, DOLORES?"

"YEAH, MOM."

"SHE GOT A BIG GOITERON HER NECK,

"BIGGER THAN HER OWN HEAD.

"HERE. HAVE SOME MEATBALLS.

SHE HAS TO HAVE IT DRAINED.HERE. HAVE SOME GRAVY."

MY MOTHER IS THE MOST DEPRESSINGHUMAN BEING IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOWWHAT HER FAVORITE GAME IS?

"GUESS WHO DIED."

"I DON'T WANT TO PLAYGUESS WHO DIED."

"ALL RIGHT.GUESS WHO HAD DIABETES."

SHE ALWAYS HAS, LIKE,THESE MYSTERY AILMENTS.

"WHAT'S THE MATTER, MOM?WHAT'S THE MATTER, MOM?"

"I DON'T KNOW.MY FINGER'S SNAPPING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?"

"I NEVER HEARD OF THAT."

"IS THAT BAD FOR YOU?"

"MOM, I NEVER HEARDOF FINGERS SNAPPING.

"MAYBE YOU GOT AN AUDITIONFOR WEST SIDE STORY

"YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT.

I NEVER HEARDOF FINGERS SNAPPING."

NO, SHE DIDN'T DIE.WE LOST HER.

YEAH.

SHE ACTUALLY SHRUNK TO THE POINTWE CAN'T FIND HER ANYMORE.

IT'S SO SAD, 'CAUSE WE KNOWSHE'S STILL IN THE HOUSE.

SHE'S JUST NOT VISIBLETO THE NAKED EYE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING:

THERE'S NOT A BRIGHT SIDETO EVERYTHING.

WHAT'S THE BRIGHT SIDETO SHRINKING?

"HEY, MAYBE SOME DAY,

"I'LL BE ABLE TO STANDIN THE BACK OF A CAR.

"WOW, I HAVEN'T HAD THIS VIEWSINCE I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD.

"HEY, ANYBODY KNOWWHERE A LITTLE TYKE LIKE ME

CAN GET A PONY RIDEAROUND HERE?"

AND MY MOTHER INSTILLED A LOT OFSICKNESS IN OUR HEADS, YOU KNOW.

ALWAYS WORRYING--

"DON'T EAT THE MAYONNAISEIF IT'S OUT IN THE SUN.

"GOD FORBID, SALMONELLA.SALMONELLA.

HOW LONG HAS THAT SALAMIBEEN HANGING? SALMONELLA."

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWHAT SALMONELLA WAS.

TILL I WAS 12,

I THOUGHT SAL MONELLA WASSOME GUY

WHO USED TO DIP HIS ASSIN MAYONNAISE.

"HOW LONG'S THIS GUY BEEN OUT?

WHY DOESN'T HE GET A JOB,A LIFE, FOR GOD'S SAKES?"

AND THAT'S THE KIND OF STUFF

THAT STAYS WITH YOU AS AN ADULT,YOU KNOW?

YOU CUT TO: I'M A GROWNUP.I'M IN A HOTEL.

I CALL YOU--I LOVE HOTELS.

I PUT THE "DO NOT DISTURB"SIGN ON.

THE MAID CALLS ME TO SEEIF I WANT MY ROOM DONE.

AS IF THE "DO NOT DISTURB"SIGN'S FOR ANYBODY BUT THE MAID.

LIKE I'M WORRIED ABOUT SOME GUYWALKING DOWN THE HALL.

"YOU IN THERE?

"SERIOUS ABOUT THIS,OR DO YOU WANT TO BE DISTURBED?

HEY, YOU DON'T NEEDYOUR BAGS PACKED, DO YOU?"

[applause]

BOY, WHEN I WAS A KID, WE USEDTO FIGHT ALL THE TIME, RIGHT?

BUT LIKE THESE--THE THING WITH THE GUNS TODAY--

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING,"MAYBE I HAVE AN ANSWER.

"MAYBE DOM IRRERA,KILLER COMEDIAN,

IN HIS OWN HILARIOUS WAYHAS A"--

I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD ALLHAVE GUNS

AND HAVE THEM OUT ALL THE TIME.

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING?"

"GOOD.WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?

"EVERYBODY, NICE AND EASY.

TELL YOUR AUNT I SAID HI,ALL RIGHT?"

I DEFINITELY HAVE THE SOLUTION

FOR GANG MEMBERS WHO ARECONVICTED OF A VIOLENT CRIME.

ONCE THEY'RE SET BACKON THE STREETS,

THEY SHOULD ONLY BE ALLOWEDTO SKIP.

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HAVE ANATTITUDE IF YOU'RE SKIPPING.

"WHAT THE HELLARE YOU LOOKING AT?"

YOU CAN'T GET IN A FIGHTIF YOU'RE SKIPPING.

YOU COULDN'T GET OUT OF A FIGHTIN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"

"NOTHING."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING NOTHING?"

"NOBODY."

"WHAT, I'M NOBODY TO YOU?"

EVERYBODY HAS THEIR OWN STYLE.

THE BLACK GUYS TELL YOUSTRAIGHT OUT,

"I'M GONNA MESS YOU UP, MAN.

"I'M GONNA MESS YOUR ASS--I'M GONNA HIT YOU SO HARD,

"WHEN YOU WAKE UP, YOUR CLOTHESGONNA BE OUT OF STYLE.

I'LL MESS YOU UP."

THE HIGHER THEY TALK, THE HARDERTHEY WERE GONNA HIT YOU.

[in high voice]"I'M GONNA MESS YOU UP.

I'M GONNA MESS YOUR ASS."

THE ITALIAN GUYSWILL GIVE YOU OPTIONS.

"HEY, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ITI TAKE YOUR HEAD, ARIGHT?

"I'LL PULL YOUR EYES SO FAROUT OF THE EYE SOCKET,

"YOU CAN ACTUALLY WATCHYOUR OWN VICIOUS BEATING.

WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, MY FRIEND?"

SPANISH GUYS,RIGHT TO THE POINT.

"I CUT YOU, YOU COCK-A-ROACH."

NOBODY WANTED TO FIGHTMORE THAN THE IRISH KIDS.

THE IRISH GUYS WOULD FIGHTAT THE DROP OF A HAT.

THEY WERE INCREDULOUS.

"YOU FIGHTING ME?

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, MAN.YOU BETTER KILL ME, MAN.

"BECAUSE I'M MENTAL,AND I NEVER FORGET.

"YOU BETTER CRUSH MY BODYTHE SIZE OF A PEA,

"'CAUSE IF THIS ONE FINGERLIVES, I'LL HAUNT YOU WITH IT.

"I'LL JUMP UP AND DOWNIN FRONT OF YOUR WINDOW AT NIGHT

"WHEN YOU'RE HAVING DINNER.

"I'LL CLIMB YOUR STEPSLIKE A SLINKY.

"I'LL PUT A PLUNGERON MY KNUCKLE

"AND HOP UP YOUR BRICK WALL.

"EVEN IF THE MINUTEST SLIVEROF THE FINGERNAIL LIVES,

"I'LL WAIT ON YOUR BATHROOMFLOOR AND INFECT YOUR FOOT.

"THAT'S HOW CRAZY I AM.

COME ON."

[applause]

THANKS. I APPRECIATE IT.GOD BLESS.

Captioning provided byComedy Central.

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