Chris Hardwick, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Greg Fitzsimmons, Paul F. Tompkins

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 02/12/2010

Chris Hardwick examines the hick lifestyle, Mary Lynn Rajskub was once rendered pregnant, and Paul F. Tompkins gets jaunty.

AND SOM--YOU CANNOT POSSIBLYMEAN THAT.

(laughter)

I WAS IN COLORADO RECENTLYAND SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

HAPPENED TO ME THERE.

I WAS--I WAS DRIVING AWAYFROM THE AIRPORT

AND I SAID TO THE DRIVER,I SAID,

"WHAT'S COLORADOMOST FAMOUS FOR?

AND HE TURNED ROUND TO ME

AS THE CAR CONTINUED MOVINGFORWARDS,

THUS ENSURING HE HADMY FULL UNDIVIDED ATTENTION,

AND HE SAID TO ME,

"WELL, HERE'S SOMETHINGYOU MIGHT NOT KNOW

"ABOUT COLORADO, JOHN.

"HERE'S SOMETHINGYOU MAY NOT

"BE AWARE OF HERE.

"COLORADO IS IN FACTTHE LEAST OBESE STATE

IN THE WHOLE OF AMERICA."

AND THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUTTHAT SENTENCE

I JUST COULDN'T GET OUTOF MY MIND.

THE LEAST OBESE.

(laughter)

THE LEAST OBESE.

NOT THE MOST HEALTHY,NO, NOT THAT.

DELIBERATELY NOT THAT,

MERELY THE LEAST OBESE,

WHICH SEEMED TO ME TANTAMOUNTTO STANDING

IN THE MIDDLE OF A KLAN RALLYAND SAYING,

"INTERESTING FACT ABOUT ME,

"I'M ACTUALLYTHE LEAST RACIST MAN HERE.

"OH, RACIST, UNQUESTIONABLY.I'M A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING.

"BUT I THINK I DESERVESOME PROPS

FOR NOT TAKING IT QUITEAS FAR AS THOSE CHAPS."

(laughter)

IN NEW YORK

HAPPENED ON THE SUBWAY.

I WAS STANDING IN THE MIDDLEOF THE SUBWAY,

THE MIDDLE OF THE CARRIAGE,YOU KNOW, RIGHT WHERE

THE ELECTRONIC DOORSCOME TOGETHER.

AND THAT BLEEPING SOUNDSTARTED.

YOU KNOW, INDICATING TO PEOPLETHAT THE DOORS

ARE ABOUT TO SHUT,

AND THAT THEY SHOULD THEREFORERUN FASTER

IF THEY WANT TO CATCHTHIS TRAIN.

AND THIS ONE BUSINESSMANCAME FLYING DOWN THE STAIRS,

HE WAS MOVING SO FAST

HE ACTUALLY HAD TO BANGAGAINST A COLUMN

TO CHANGE DIRECTIONIN TIME.

(laughter)

AND AS HE RAN TOWARDS ME,

THE DOORS STARTED SLOWLYCOMING TOGETHER.

IT'S LIKE THE WHOLE WORLDWENT INTO SLOW MOTION.

OUR EYES MET.

AND I COULD SEE HIMTHINK--

HE WAS CARRYING LIKEA BRIEFCASE IN ONE HAND

AND A SUITCASE IN THE OTHER,AND I COULD SEE HIM THINKING,

WELL, I CAN'T DOWHAT I'D NORMALLY DO

WHICH IS STICK OUT MY HANDAND STOP THESE DOORS,

AS I'VE GOT THESE BAGS.

AND, YET, I STILL SEEMTO BE MOVING,

AT PACE,TOWARDS THE SIDE OF THIS TRAIN.

(laughter)

WHAT TO DO?

THINK, KENNY, THINK.

BRAINSTORM, YOU'RE GOODAT THIS IN THE OFFICE.

THERE'S NO RIGHT ANSWER HERE.

JUST SOME BLUE SKY CREATIVETHINKING IS WHAT'S NEEDED HERE.

AND HE DID SOMETHING WHICH HEWILL ONLY EVER TRULY UNDERSTAND.

(laughter)

BECAUSE WHAT THAT WAS WAS THATHE JUST STUCK OUT HIS HEAD...

(laughter)

AND THE DOORS CLOSED ONHIS NECK.

NOW, HE WASN'T HURT.

BECAUSE THE SYSTEM IS--

IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO SLOWLYTHE FIRST TIME,

AND IF IT MEETS ANY RESISTANCE,IT'S SUPPOSED TO RELEASE

AND THEN HAMMER BACKA SECOND TIME.

BUT THIS HAD CLEARLY HAPPENEDONE TOO MANY TIMES

TO THIS DRIVER'CAUSE HE JUST LEFT HIM THERE.

THIS MAN WAS LEFT WITH HIS HEADIN THE TRAIN.

AND HIS BODY AND BAGSFLAPPING AROUND OUTSIDE

ON THE PLATFORM.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONEDE-AGE SO FAST IN YOUR LIFE.

HE WAS CLEARLYA SUCCESSFUL MAN.

YET, IN THAT MOMENT, HE JUSTLOOKED LIKE A NAUGHTY BOY

WITH HIS HEAD STUCK BETWEENSOME RAILINGS

WAITING FOR A FIREMANTO CUT HIM LOOSE.

AND, YET, HE STILL HADTHE INHERENT,

HEROIC SELF-CONFIDENCEFROM WHO KNOWS WHERE

TO--WHEN SOMEONE TUTTEDAT HIM IN THE TRAIN,

HE LOOKED UP AND WENT,"WHAT?"

(laughter)

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,"WHAT?"

WHY DON'T YOU HAZARDA GUESS.

YOUR HEAD IS STUCKIN THE DOORS.

YOU ARE WEARING THIS ENTIRETRAIN AS A MAKESHIFT HAT.

(laughter)

YOU ARE...YOU CANNOT CARRY THIS LOOK OFF.

AND THEN THE STATIC SOUND

STARTED COMING OVERTHE LOUDSPEAKER.

YOU KNOW WHERE--YOU KNOWTHE DRIVER IS ABOUT TO SPEAK

TO THE REST OF THE TRAIN.

AND THIS DRIVERWAS MID-LAUGH...

(laughter)

HE WAS ON THE PHONETO A FRIEND OF HIS UPSTAIRS

BASICALLY SAYING,

"YOU HAVE GOT TO COMEAND TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS THE BEST FIVE MINUTESYOU EVER TAKE OUT OF YOUR DAY."

AND THEN THEY FINISHTHEIR CONVERSATION,

AND THE STATIC SOUNDWAS STILL THERE,

AND IT BECAME CLEAR.

HE WAS GONNA SPEAKTO ALL OF US ON THE TRAIN.

AND I HAVE NEVER FELT SUCHA SENSE OF EXCITED COMMUNITY

WITH STRANGERSAS WE EXPERIENCED TOGETHER.

ALL LOOKING AT EACH OTHERAND SAYING,

"WHAT'S HE GONNA SAY?

"WHAT'S HE GONNA SAY?

THIS COULD BE...INCREDIBLE."

AND HE CLEARED HIS THROAT,THE DRIVER,

AND I PROMISE YOUTHIS IS TRUE,

HE SAID THIS,HE SAID--(clears throat)

"WELL, WELL, WELL!

(laughter)

LOOKS LIKE WE'VE JUSTCAUGHT US A DOUCHEBAG."

(laughter)

WELL PLAYED.

WELL PLAYED, DRIVER.

WELL PLAYED.

I AM FROM TENNESSEE,GOD DAMN IT!

(cheering)UH...

I'M A RECOVERING HICK.

UHH, I'VE TRIEDTO GET PAST IT.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVETHAT WHEN I TELL THEM.

BUT I WILL PROVE ITTO YOU PEOPLE.

MY FATHERWAS A PROFESSIONAL BOWLER.

...YEAH, HE WAS.

OH, IT DOES NOT GET ANY MOREHICK THAN THAT, YOU GUYS.

I DON'T KNOWIF YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS.

BOWLING BALLS ARE ACTUALLYHICK EGGS.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,THAT'S WHERE REDNECKS COME FROM

CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.

THE MOTHERS LAY THE EGGSIN PILES OF CIGARETTE ASH.

(laughter)

THE YOUNG HICKLINGS EMERGEMULLET-FIRST,

CRAWL TO THEIR MOTHERS,WHO THEN REGURGITATE

RANCH DRESSING AND BUD LIGHTINTO OUR MOUTHS.

(laughter)

AND WE WILL PUT RANCH DRESSINGON ANYTHING, EVERYTHING.

IT DOESN'T MATTER--VEGETABLES, MEAT,

OTHER RANCH DRESSING,WE DON'T CARE!

WHAT KIND OF A RANCH?SOME KIND OF A MAYONNAISE RANCH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER,

RANCH DRESSING CONTAINSSOME KIND OF MOLECULE

THAT GIVES HICKSTHEIR PASTY SHEEN.

(laughter)

THIS IS A--THIS ISA HICK NATION WE LIVE IN.

GOD BLESS IT.

THE NATIONAL BIRD SHOULD BEHOT WINGS, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM SHOULD BE"THE GAMBLER" BY KENNY ROGERS

WHICH IS A SILLY SONGBY THE WAY.

IT'S JUST SO OBVIOUS.

"YOU GOT TO KNOW WHENTO HOLD 'EM,

KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM."

THAT IS THE MOST OBVIOUS...ING POKER ADVICE

YOU COULD EVER GIVE ANYONE.

THAT SONG IS SO OBVIOUS,

IF IT'D BEEN CALLED"THE HUNTER,"

I THINK IT WOULD HAVE GONELIKE THIS.

♪ YOU GOT TO SHOOTAT AN ANIMAL ♪

♪ DON'T SHOOT ROCKSOR PEOPLE ♪

(laughter)

AT LEAST THAT SONG TRIES TO HAVESOME SORT OF A METAPHOR.

LIKE, MOST COUNTRY MUSICIS JUST SO ON THE NOSE.

HICKS,WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S JUST ALL LIKE,

♪ TRUCKS AND WOMENAND CRYING ♪

♪ AND WHISKEY AND FREEDOMAND GUNS AND THE LORD ♪

LIKE, EVERY SONG.

AND I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE HICKSDON'T REALLY GRASP SUBTEXT,

YOU KNOW, LIKE,THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND, LIKE,

DOUBLE ENTENDRE,FOR INSTANCE.

THEY UNDERSTANDSINGLE ENTENDRE.

"HEY, I SURE WOULD LIKETO HAVE SEX IN YOUR VAGINA,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."

(laughter)

THE LIFEBLOOD OF 'MERICA--THAT'S RIGHT.

I DIDN'T SAY "AMERICA,"I SAID, 'MERICA!

APOSTROPHE-'MERICA!

(laughter)

IT'S OUR INCESSANT FASCINATIONWITH THE TABLOIDS.

LIKE, IT'S INSANEHOW MUCH WE--

DO YOU GUYSFOLLOW THE TABLOIDS?

DO YOU CARE, LIKE--OR ARE YOUR LIVES

ENRICHED BY RELATIONSHIPSAND FAMILY AND THINGS LIKE THAT?

IT SEEMS LIKE WE'RE--IT'SSO CRAZY THAT WE'RE SO OBSESSED

WITH WHAT A BUNCH OF LIKE,DRUNKEN...-UP STARLETS

WANT TO DOWITH THEIR LIVES.

BUT THE MORE THESECELEBUTANTES...

THE MORE WE SEEMTO LOVE 'EM.

OH, THE BRITNEY SPEARSOF THE WORLD.

OH, THEY'RE ADORABLE,LIKE PETS.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY KEEP HOPINGTHAT ALL THESE CELEBUTANTES

ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE,YOU GUYS.

I REALLY HOPETHEY'RE PART OF

SOME GOVERNMENT-FUNDEDCONSPIRACY

THAT'S DEVISED TO DIVERTOUR ATTENTION AWAY

FROM SERIOUS...THEY DON'T WANTUS TO KNOW ABOUT.

LIKE, IF SOMEONE RAN INTOTHE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE

AND SAID, "MR. PRESIDENT!MR. PRESIDENT!

"THERE'S A HOUSING CRISIS!THE BANKS ARE IN THE TOILET!

WHAT DO WE DO?"

"ALL RIGHT, WE NEEDA MEDIA DIVERSION.

CALL IN THE SLUT SQUAD,"AND THEY RUN IN.

"ALL RIGHT, LINDSAY LOHAN,

I NEED FOOTAGE OF YOU...A GUYON A CAMERA PHONE."

(high-pitched voice)"I'M ON IT."

"ALL RIGHT, BRITNEY,I NEED YOU TO SHAVE YOUR SNIZ

AND WAG IT AROUNDAT A MOVIE PREMIER."

(high-pitched voice)"I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THAT."

"GOD DAMN IT, SOLDIER,

"YOU KNEW THIS JOB WAS DIFFICULTWHEN YOU TOOK IT!

"NOW MAN UPAND LOSE THOSE PANTIES!

ALL RIGHT, PARIS HILTON.I NEED YOU TO SPEAK PUBLICLY."

(laughter and applause)

AND IT REALLY MAKES ME--ITREALLY MAKES ME WONDER, LIKE--

YOU KNOW, THERE PROBABLY ALWAYSWERE PRESIDENTIAL DIVERSIONS

YOU KNOW, LIKE--'CAUSETHE PRESIDENT HAS THAT POWER.

BUT, LIKE, EVEN, LIKE,THROUGHOUT HISTORY,

THAT PROBABLY OCCURRED.

LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,IF LINCOLN HAD BEEN GAY,

DO YOU THINK WE EVER WOULDHAVE KNOWN?

LIKE, IF THERE WAS SOMESORT OF A PRESS CONFERENCE,

"PRESIDENT LINCOLN,THERE ARE RUMORS THAT

"YOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COMMENTON THAT, SIR?"

"OH, REALLY?

"UH, WELL...

(blows air through lips)

"SLAVES ARE FREE!SLAVES ARE FREE!

YEP, OFF YOU GO.SLAVES ARE FREE."

"OH, MY GOD, DID YOU JUSTFREE THE SLAVES?!"

"OH, I DON'T KNOW, DID I?BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SHOT.

"YEP, I'VE BEEN SHOTIN THE HEAD.

(laughter)

JUST A STRAIGHT MANTRYING TO ENJOY THE THEATER."

(laughter)

I DON'T KNOW IF YOUKNOW THIS ABOUT ME

BUT I'M PRETTY HOT.

YEAH, AND I'M ALSO KIND OFAN INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR.

AND SOMETIMES THINGS HAPPENTO ME, YOU KNOW,

LIKE THE OTHER DAY,I WAS, UH, PREGNANT.

(laughter)

AND I WAS LIKE,WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT?

WHEN, WH--HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

AND THEN I JUST TRIEDTO GO BACK AND, UM,

PUT THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER,YOU KNOW?

AND ALL I COULD REMEMBERHOW IT HAPPENED

IS I WAS STANDING IN LINE ATPINK'S HOT DOGS IN LOS ANGELES,

AND IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT.(scattered cheers)

YEAH. WHOO!

UH, IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT,

THERE WAS A DARK FIGURENEXT TO ME,

THERE WAS DRINKING INVOLVED,OF COURSE.

AND SOMEONE SAID, "CHEESE,"AND I SAID, "YES."

AND SOMEONE SAID, "ONIONS,"AND I SAID, "YES."

AND SOMEONE SAID, "CHILI"AND I SAID, "HELL, YES."

AND THEN I ATE THAT HOT DOG.

THAT'S ALL I CAN THINKHAPPENED THAT...

IT MIXED WITH MY EGGS AND, LIKE,MADE A BABY OR SOMETHING,

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS IT WAS PROBABLYFROM THE UNPROTECTED SEX

I WAS HAVING WITH THE GUYI HAD BEEN DATING A WEEK.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW.

YOU FEEL GREAT,YOU KNOW THE TRUTH?

(exhales sharply)THAT'S THE TRUTH.

THE FIRST THING I DID WASI WENT AND CLEANED THE KITCHEN

AND STARTED LOOKING THROUGHTHE YELLOW PAGES.

YES, THE YELLOW PAGES.

AND THEN I DECIDED IT WAS TIMETO CALL HIM.

HELLO, UH, MATT?

HI, IT'S MARY LYNN,YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO SOONTO SAY THAT.

(laughter)

I DON'T WANT TO CROSSANY LINES.

SO, UH, ANYWAY,

DUE TO THE SEXUAL ACTIVITYWE HAD RECENTLY

I HAVE BEEN RENDERED PREGNANT,SO...

(laughter)

"UH...UH, N--

I--I PULLED OUT."

YEAH, NO, I KNOW, I KNOW,I JUST--

(rapidly) BUT YOUR SPERMREALLY WANTED TO GET

WITH MY EGGSAND MAKE A LITTLE BABY.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!(laughter)

SO I GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY.

AND THEN IT WAS TIMETO TELL MY PARENTS,

WHICH, YOU KNOW, WAS HARD

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T KNOWI HAD A BOYFRIEND.

I DIDN'T REALLY KNOWI HAD A BOYFRIEND.

AND I...(laughter)

ALSO BECAUSE I TRY NOTTO TELL THEM STUFF.

'CAUSE I JUST--I DON'T WANT THE JUDGMENT,

YOU KNOW?I HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR THAT.

SO I WAS, UM, HOME IN MICHIGANWHERE I'M FROM, VISITING,

AND, YOU KNOW, I JUST WAITEDTILL THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND.

I'M ON MY WAYTO THE AIRPORT, RIGHT?

I GOT MY BACKPACK,MY THING.

(sighs)I JUST GOT TO DO IT.

SO I TURNED...

MOM? DAD?SOMETHING HAPPENED.

AND MY MOM JUST TURNED WHITE,AND MY DAD SIGHED

AND LOOKED FORWARDAT THE TELEVISION.

THAT'S HOW I KNEW THEY WEREREALLY PAYING ATTENTION.

(laughter)

AND I SAID,"UH, I'M PREGNANT."

AND MY MOM, YOU GUYS, JUMPEDUP AND GAVE ME A HUGE HUG.

AND I WAS LIKE,"WHAT THE--YOU'RE NOT MAD?"

AND SHE WAS LIKE,"NO, I'M DELIGHTED.

"I DIDN'T KNOWYOU WERE GONNA HAVE KIDS,

AND I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE,AND I'M SO HAPPY THAT YOU ARE."

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZEDTHAT I'M 37 YEARS OLD.

(laughter)

I'M NOT 16 AND I CAN DOWHATEVER I WANT WITH MY LIFE.

(laughter)

LET'S PUNK-ROCK IT!

(laughter)

LET ME GET A LITTLE JAUNTYWHILE I TALK TO YOU GUYS.

(laughter)

LET'S GET A LITTLE JAUNTIER.

OH, LADIES.

UM, I...(laughter)

I'M A VERY SUCCESSFULSTAND-UP COMEDIAN.

I'M THE LAST ONE TONIGHT,WHICH MEANS I'M THE BEST ONE.

BUT IT WAS NOT EVER THUS.

(laughter)

ONE TIME IN MY LIFE,I STRUGGLED AND SCRAPED

AND SCRAMBLED AND SCRAPPEDAND SCREWED AND...

SCREECHED...(laughter)

(laughs)

JUST TRYING TO GET BYAND COME UP WITH S-C-R WORDS.

(laughter)

WHEN I FIRST MOVED TOLOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA,

TO START MY BIG-TIMESHOW BUSINESS CAREER,

I WORKED AT A VIDEO STOREIN WEST HOLLYWOOD

WHERE FAMOUS PEOPLE WOULDCOME IN FROM TIME TO TIME.

NOW THIS IS VERY EXCITING.

BECAUSE FAMOUS PEOPLEARE OUR BETTERS.

SO YOU CAN IMAGINEHOW THRILLED I WAS

TO LOOK AT THEM AND TOUCHTHE HEMS OF THEIR GARMENTS.

(laughter)

WELL, ONE DAY,I'M STANDING THERE AT WORK,

AND A CO-WORKER OF MINECOMES IN,

AND SHE'S DOUBLED OVERLAUGHING.

SHE'S CRACKING UP,TEARS STREAMING DOWN HER FACE.

I SAID,"HEATHER, WHAT'S SO FUNNY?"

HER NAME WAS HEATHER.(laughter)

NOT IMPORTANT TO THE STORY,

BUT I LIKE TO HUMANIZETHE CHARACTERS.

I SAID, "HEATHER,WHAT'S SO FUNNY?"

AND SHE GOES, "OH, MY GOD.

"MY BOYFRIEND AND IWERE JUST AT A STOP LIGHT

"AND THEN MY BOYFRIENDSTARTED LAUGHING

"AND I SAID,'WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?'

"AND HE SAID, 'LOOK WHO'SIN THE CAR NEXT TO US.'

AND I LOOKED,AND IT WAS FABIO."

(laughter)

AND I SAID, "SO WHAT?

"THAT IS A POOR STORY,HEATHER.

I GUESSYOU HAD TO BE THERE."

(laughter)

WELL, A COUPLE DAYS GO BY,I'M AT WORK,

STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER,

HATING MYSELF, I GUESS,I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING.

THESE ARE THESE BIG GLASS DOORSIN FRONT OF THE STORE,

I LOOK UPFROM MY SELF-HATRED,

AND WHO IS WALKINGINTO OUR STORE...

BUT FABIO?(laughter)

AND I CRACKED UP.

(laughter)

BECAUSE YOU ARE NEVERREADY TO SEE FABIO!

(laughter)EVER!

I DON'T CARE IF YOU WAKE UPTHAT DAY, AND YOU'RE LIKE,

I BETTER STEEL MYSELF'CAUSE I MIGHT SEE FABIO TODAY.

YOU'LL CRUMBLE. YOU'LL FOLD.YOU WILL LAUGH AT HIM.

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZEDTHAT IT THIS GUY'S LIFE,

EVERYWHERE HE GOESPEOPLE LAUGHING IN HIS FACE.

(Italian accent) OH, I THINKFABIO'S GOING TO HAVE FUN

AT THE PARTY TONIGHT!

FABIO'S GOING TO MAKESOME NEW FRIENDS FOR ONCE.

(audience aws)

(laughs hysterically)

(normal voice)THE VERY IDEA OF YOU!

(chuckles)HE THINKS HE'S A PERSON.

(laughter)

(Italian accent)NO, NO...

DO NOT LAUGH AT FABIO.

FABIO HAVE A-FEELING.

(inhales sharply)PUNY HUMAN!

FABIO SMASH!

(laughter)

(normal voice)REMEMBER THAT TIME

WHEN FABIO WENTON THAT RAMPAGE

AND THEY HAD TO CALL INTHE NATIONAL GUARD?

THAT'S RIGHT,YOU DON'T REMEMBER,

'CAUSE THEY HUSHED IT UP!

(laughter)

OH, BUT GUESS WHAT!

SOMETIMES THIS COSPLAYGOES A LITTLE TOO FAR...

(chuckles)

BECAUSE AT ONE POINT,

THE GUY WHO DRESSES UPAS FREDDY KRUEGER

STABBED A DUDE.

(laughter)

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

THIS GUY DRESSED UPAS FREDDY KRUEGER

GOT IN AN ARGUMENTWITH A PASSERBY.

THE ARGUMENT GOT HEATED.

AND IT TURNS OUTTHAT THE KNIVES THE GUY HAD

ON HIS FREDDY KRUEGER GLOVEWERE REAL.

(laughter)

THE POLICE WERE QUOTEDAS SAYING,

"WELL, WE HAD SEENTHAT GENTLEMEN,

BUT WE JUST ASSUMED THATHIS KNIVES WERE PLASTIC."

THAT'S FINE FOR ME TO ASSUME

BECAUSE I'M NOT THE POLICE,BUT...

(laughter)

TELL YOU WHAT.

IF YOU HAVE BADGES ANYWHEREON YOUR CLOTHES,

JUST FOR GOOFS AND GRINS...(laughter)

WHY DON'T YOU STROLLON OVER THERE?

"OH, PARDON ME, MR. KRUEGER,

"I'M SORRY IN ADVANCE FOREMBARRASSING THE BOTH OF US,

"BUT I GUESS I HAVE TO ASKYOU THIS QUESTION.

"SERVE AND PROTECT,BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

"HERE WE GO, THOUGH I'M SUREI ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER.

"(laughs)

"ARE THOSE KNIVESON YOUR HAND REAL?

"OH, THEY ARE?

WELL, THAT'S NOT ALLOWEDAT ALL!"

(laughter)

THIS IS ISN'T DEADWOOD.

YOU CAN'T WALK AROUNDTHE STREETS

WITH A BUNCH OF KNIVES."

(laughter)

YOU'RE NOT GONNA CHECKAT ALL?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA CHECKAT ALL.

"LOOK AT THAT GUY.YEAH, PROBABLY PLASTIC.

(laughter)

"IT'S NOT EVEN WORTHROLLING DOWN THE WINDOW.

"HEY, I'M TAKINGTHE SERGEANT'S EXAM NEXT WEEK.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK?THINK I GOT A SHOT?

I LIKE MY CHANCES."

THE GUY PULLED THROUGH.

THE GUY DID NOT DIETHAT FREDDY KRUEGER STABBED.

NOW, FOLKS, I AM NOT SAYINGTHAT A GUY DRESSED UP

AS FREDDY KRUEGER STABBINGANOTHER PERSON IS AWESOME,

BUT...(laughter)

HERE'S WHAT IS AWESOMEABOUT IT.

WE HAVE ALL BEENIN A SITUATION

WHERE WE'RE INSOME GO-NOWHERE ARGUMENT

THAT JUST WILL NOT END,

AND YOU WISH YOU HADTHE PERFECT THING

TO SHUT THE OTHER PERSON UP.

(laughter)

I WANT YOU TO IMAGINEHOW SATISFIED THAT GUY FELT

BEHIND HIS RUBBERFREDDY KRUEGER MASK

WHEN HE GOT TO THE POINT,WHERE HE WAS SAYING TO HIMSELF,

"WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

"WHAT ARE WE EVEN TALKINGABOUT HERE?

I'M FREDDY KRUEGER!"

(snarls)

(laughter)OH, I BET THAT FELT GOOD.

(applause)OH, I BET THAT FELT GOOD

AS THE GUY WENT ALL THE WAYTO THE GROUND.

THERE ARE A NUMBEROF STRIPPER STORES.

THESE ARES STORESTHAT SELL COSTUMES

THAT STRIPPERS CAN WEARON THE STAGE.

(laughter)

USUALLY, THEY ARE BASED--THEY'RE OCCUPATION-BASED, RIGHT?

LIKE, YOU'LL HAVETHE SEXY NURSE,

OR THE SEXY POLICE LADY,CLASSIC SEXY FRENCH MAID.

AND ONE TIME I SAW ONEIN THE WINDOW OF THIS PLACE.

IT WAS NOT BASED ONANY KIND OF JOB AT ALL.

IT WAS THE SEXY BEE.

(laughter)

SEXY BEE.

IT WAS A LOW-CUT,

BLACK AND YELLOWSTRIPED TOP, RIGHT?

LITTLE BLACK SKIRT,SOME PLASTIC INSECT WINGS,

SOME ANTENNAE.

(laughter)

SEXY BEE.

(laughter)

NOW, IF YOU ARE SEXUALLYAROUSED BY BEES...

(laughter)

I BET THIS IS NOT GONNADO IT FOR YOU.

(laughter)

IT MAKES ME THINK OF,LIKE,

A COUPLE THAT'S BEENTOGETHER A LITTLE WHILE,

NOT FOREVER,BUT LONG ENOUGH

WHERE THEY HAVETHIS CONVERSATION

WHERE THE LADY WOULD SAYTO THE GENTLEMAN,

"SO, LIKE,WHAT'S THE WEIRDEST THING

THAT YOU'RE INTOSEXUALLY?"

"WELL, UM...

"I HAVE NEVER SAID THIS OUT LOUDTO ANOTHER LIVING PERSON,

"AND YOU WILL FORGIVE MEIF I DON'T ACTUALLY MAKE

"EYE CONTACT WITH YOUAS I TELL YOU THIS.

"BUT, UH, HERE GOES.UM, OKAY, OKAY.

"UH,I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE...

"SEX WITH A...

"BEE, OKAY, THERE.(laughter)

"I SAID IT ONCE, AND FELT KINDOF GOOD TO SAY IT OUT LOUD,

"BUT I AM INSTANTLY FILLEDWITH SHAME,

"SO LET US NEVER,EVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.

OKAY? DEAL? GOOD."

BUT SHE CAN'T GET IT OUTOF HER MIND, RIGHT?

SO A LITTLE TIME GOES BY.

SHE'S WALKING DOWN THE STREET.SHE PASSES THIS STORE.

"OH, MY GOD."

(laughter)

"THAT'S PERFECT."(laughter)

SHE BUYS IT.SHE TAKES IT HOME.

SHE WAITS FOR HIMTO COME HOME,

GETS IN THE OUTFIT.

"I'M HOME.WHERE ARE YOU?"

(singsong)"I'M IN THE BEDROOM."

HE OPENS UP THE DOOR.

"HI.

"BZZZ, BZZZ.

(laughter)

I WANT SOME HONEY."

(laughter)

"ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?!"

(laughter)

"N-NO, DON'T YOU--DON'T YOU GET IT?

I'M A SE-SEXY BEE."

"I TOLD YOU THATIN CONFIDENCE!"

"BUT, NO, YOU SAID--YOU SAID THAT...

(laughter)

"YOU TOLD METHAT YOU LIKE THIS.

YOU TOLD ME THAT THISIS WHAT YOU LIKE."

"I KNOW WHAT I TOLD YOU,ALL RIGHT?!

"I DIDN'T TELL YOUI WANTED SOME WOMAN

"IN A HALF-ASSED BEE COSTUME!

(laughter)

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I TOLD YOU!

"I TOLD YOU I WANNAHAVE SEX WITH A BEE!

(laughter)

DON'T."

(laughter)

I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT GUY

'CAUSE I KNOWHE'S TORTURED,

AND I KNOWTHAT IN HIS MIND

THE ETERNAL ARGUMENTRAGES ON ETERNALLY.

"WOULD IT BE BETTERIF THE BEE WAS BIGGER

OF IF I WAS SMALLER?"

(laughter and applause)

I LIVE NOT FAR FROMHOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD.

IT'S A BIGTOURIST DESTINATION.

THERE'S THE FAMOUSCHINESE THEATER

WITH THE STARSON THE WALK OF FAME.

I LIKE TO WATCH PEOPLE GETTINGEXCITED BY STUFF LIKE THAT.

LIKE, TOURISTS WILL COMEAND THEY'LL TAKE A PICTURE

OF A CERTAIN STAR,AND WHEN THEY LEAVE,

I GO OVER AND TAKE A PEEKAT WHO IT WAS.

OH--LORETTA SWIT.

(laughter)

I HAD NO IDEA "MASH"WAS SO POPULAR IN GERMANY.

(laughter)

NOW, A COUPLE YEARS AGO,THIS STARTED HAPPENING

WHERE THESE PEOPLE STARTEDDRESSING UP IN COSTUMES

INSPIRED BY THE MOVIES,

DRESS UP AS FAMOUS MOVIECHARACTERS.

NO ONE ASKED THEMTO DO THIS.

NO ONE IS PAYING THEMTO DO THIS.

THESE PEOPLE OF THEIR OWNFREE WILL WEAR THESE COSTUMES.

THE IDEA IS TOURISTS COME,

AND THEN THEY'LL GET A PICTURETAKEN WITH THEM,

AND THEN YOU TIPTHESE CHARACTERS

A COUPLE BUCKS, RIGHT?

NOW, SOME OF THESE COSTUMESARE FANTASTIC.

BUT SOME OTHEROF THESE COSTUMES

ARE THE OPPOSITEOF THAT WORD I JUST USED.

(laughter)

LIKE, THERE'STWO SPIDER-MANS, RIGHT?

AND THE ONE SPIDER-MANIS PERFECT.

HE'S GOTA REGULATION COSTUME.

HE DOES GOOD POSES AND STUFF.HE'S REALLY INTO IT.

HE'S GOT A FANNY PACK,BUT I LET IT SLIDE.

(laughter)

BUT THIS OTHER SPIDER-MAN...

(laughter)

HE NEEDN'T HAVE BOTHERED.

(laughter)

THIS GUY HAS THE TOP HALFOF A SPIDER-MAN COSTUME,

NO GLOVES...

AND BLUE SWEAT PANTS.

(laughter)

WHAT?

SIR,THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE.

(laughter)

DON'T EXPOSE THEMTO DEPRESSED SPIDER-MAN

WHO'S GOING THROUGHA BAD BREAKUP OR SOMETHING,

CAN'T GET IT TOGETHERTHAT DAY.

(shudders)

"WHY SHOULD I PUTTHE WHOLE THING ON?

"WHO CARES?SHE'S NEVER COMING BACK.

"I HOPE DR. OCTOPUSSMASHES THIS CITY,

INCLUDING KEVIN!"

(laughter)

MY FAVORITE GUY OUT THERE

IS THIS GUY DRESSEDAS PIKACHU FROM POKéMON.

(laughter)

HE'S GOT THIS BIG ROLY-POLYYELLOW PIKACHU OUTFIT.

THE THING I LOVEABOUT THIS COSTUME

IS IT IS FILTHY!

(laughter)

LIKE, YOU GET A LITTLE CLOSER,YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS--"

IT'S COVERED WITH GRIME.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT IS GOING ON.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S JUSTIMPOSSIBLE TO CLEAN,

LIKE, HE'S TAKEN ITTO A CLEANERS.

LIKE, "CAN YOU DO SOMETHINGWITH THIS?"

THEY JUST SAY, "NO, WE ONLYKNOW HOW TO CLEAN FLAT THINGS."

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