Marriage Material

  • Season 2, Ep 7
  • 10/17/2014

Dave Thomason, John McKeever and Nikki Glaser join in on the fun and perform stand-up at Adam's house party.

- GOOD EVENING, FRIENDS.

- HEY, ADAM.PERFECT TIMING.

WE SAVED YOUA GIANT JELL-O SHOT.

- YEAH, AND THE COOL THINGABOUT NEW ORLEANS

IS WE CAN DRINK IT IN HEREOR ON THE STREET.

- TRUE.- SO LET'S GO DO THAT.

- [laughing]

THE ONLY THING I'M GOING TO DOON THE STREET

IS PARALLEL PARK MY VOLVO

WITH ITS INDUSTRY-LEADINGSAFETY RATINGS.

PRETTY RESPONSIBLE CHOICE,WOULDN'T YOU SAY, NICOLE?

- IT'S NIKKI. I DON'T REALLYKNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CARS.

- IT'S A 2016.- WOW.

- I HAD TO MOVE A LOT OF THINGSAROUND WITH MY FOUR-ZERO-ONE K

AND MY HEDGE BONDS--JUST SHIFT AROUND MONEY

FROM DIFFERENT QUADRANTS,BANK'S QUADRANTS.

IT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANYMATURE THINGS THAT I DO

TO AFFORD LUXURY.- YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT, MAN.

STOP ACTING LIKE A DADAND JUST DO A SHOT WITH US.

- OH, COME ON.

HEY, MAN, GUYS, IT'S ADAM.HE'S KIDDING, COME ON.

HE'S A LEGITIMATE ALCOHOLIC.- I'M NOT.

- HE'S PROBABLY FUNNELED, LIKE,20 BEERS TODAY, HAVEN'T YOU?

- I HAVEN'T.LET ME TASTE IT.

NOPE, THE ONLY THINGI'M FUNNELING ARE PENNIES

INTO A COLLEGE SAVINGS ACCOUNTFOR ONE OF MY FUTURE CHILDREN

THAT MY WIFE IN THE FUTURE ISGOING TO BIRTH OUT OF HER PUSSY.

- ADAM, ARE YOU SHITTINGYOUR KHAKIS RIGHT NOW?

- I TYPED UP A SYLLABUS.- FOR WHAT?

- I TYPED IT UPBECAUSE I'M AN ADULT

WHO PLANS THINGSAHEAD OF TIME.

- THESE ARE HANDWRITTEN.- ARE THEY?

YES, I TYPED THEM WITH MY HAND.- SO YOU WROTE THEM.

- I WROTE THEM. THAT'S THE WORDTHAT I WAS USING FOR IT.

I'M SORRY THAT MY VERBIAGE-ILARYISN'T UP TO SNUFF.

BUT IT'S GETTING THERE, ANDI'M PART OF A WORD OF THE DAY

INTERNET PROGRAM,

OR PRO-GRAM, WHICH ISTHE FRENCH WAY TO SAY THAT,

SO I'M ALSO LEARNING FRENCH.

IF YOU CHECK SECTION "A,"PARAGRAPH...

ALSO "A."

IT SAYS THAT DAVE SHALL PERFORMSTAND-UP COMEDY RIGHT NOW.

ARE YOU READY, MY FRIEND?

[cheers and applause]

ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND--WE JUST GOT A DOG.

LOOK AT THAT.

YAY.WE GOT A DOG.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF YOU GUYSHAVE EVER GOTTEN A DOG

WITH A SIGNIFICANT OTHER,BUT WHEN WE GOT HIM,

A LOT OF MY FRIENDS WERE LIKE,"OH, DAVE.

"YOU KNOW, THAT'S A REAL SERIOUSCOMMITMENT--DOGS.

"THEY CAN LIVE 13 OR 14 YEARS.

ARE YOU GUYS READY FORTHAT SERIOUS OF A COMMITMENT?"

AND ME AND MY LADYHAD A LONG TALK,

AND WE GOTA TEN-YEAR-OLD DOG.

[laughter]

I GREW UP IN A VERY PLAINAND BORING TOWN

WITH, YOU KNOW,A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE.

BUT I FEEL LIKE I'VE GROWN OUTOF BEING FROM SUCH A WHITE AREA.

I FEEL LIKEI'M VERY OPEN-MINDED NOW.

I'M NOT RACIST OR ANYTHING.I KNOW THAT.

I KNOW THAT BECAUSEMY GIRLFRIEND IS INDIAN

OR MEXICAN OR SOMETHING.

SHE'S BROWN.

SHE'S A BROWN PERSON,SO I KNOW I'M NOT RACIST,

AND I APPRECIATE THE FACT THATSHE'S NOT ALSO A WHITE PERSON.

I FEEL LUCKY, BECAUSE I WASTALKING TO MY OLD ROOMMATE,

WHO'S ASIAN,AND HE WAS TELLING ME

HOW HE'S BEEN HAVING TROUBLEGETTING DATES

WITH NON-ASIAN GIRLSON DATING WEBSITES,

WHICH I UNDERSTAND.

I THINK, IN GENERAL,ASIAN GUYS HAVE IT PRETTY HARD

WHEN IT COMES TO THE WAYTHE MEDIA SEES THEM, RIGHT?

'CAUSE IN EVERY MOVIEOR TV SHOW,

THEY'RE NEVER, LIKE,THE STRONG, MASCULINE DUDE.

THEY'RE ALWAYS, LIKE, NERDSOR SOME SORT OF ASEXUAL NINJA

OF SOME KIND.

AND IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE,THOUGH,

BECAUSE, LIKE, HOW ARE YOU GONNAPRETEND ASIAN GUYS

AREN'T A SEXUAL PEOPLE,

WHEN THERE ARE1.5 BILLION CHINESE PEOPLE

WALKING AROUNDTHE PLANET, RIGHT?

THAT'S A LOT OF BONIN'.THAT'S THE MOST PEOPLE--

JUST MATHEMATICALLY SPEAKING,THEY'RE DOIN' THE MOST BONIN'.

BUT PEOPLE STILL EMASCULATEASIAN GUYS ALL THE TIME.

THEY GO, "ASIAN GUYS--THEY GOTTHOSE SMALL PENISES."

THEY'RE NOT SMALL--THEY'RE JUST WORN DOWN

FROM ALL THE BONIN'THAT THEY'RE DOING.

I SYMPATHIZE WITH THEM,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,I'M NOT A VERY MASCULINE GUY.

I KNOW THAT.

I MEAN, LIKE I SAID,I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I LIKE LADIES,BUT I MADE THE REALIZATION

ABOUT MYSELF SORT OF RECENTLY

THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOWIF I LIKE VAGINAS.

ALL I KNOW ISTHAT I DON'T LIKE PENISES MORE.

[laughter]

SO, IF YOU HAVE A THIRD THING,SHOW IT TO ME,

BECAUSE...

I PROMISE YOU A FAIR SHOT.

I'VE ALSO REALIZED THAT MY IDEALPORN IS JUST A NAKED WOMAN,

I, UH, JUST FOUND OUT MY WIFELIKES AUSTRALIAN GUYS.

UH, WHICH I'M NOT,SO IT'S BEEN A BIT OF A HURDLE.

WE WERE HAVINGTHIS HONEST CONVERSATION.

I WAS LIKE, "LISTEN, WE'RE GONNABE ATTRACTED TO OTHER PEOPLE.

"YOU'RE GONNA BE ATTRACTEDTO OTHER PEOPLE.

"I'M GONNA WANTTO HAVE SEX WITH EVERYBODY,

"SO LET'S JUST CHITCHATABOUT IT.

"AND YOU GO FIRST...

'CAUSE MY LIST IS, LIKE,SUPER LONG."

AND RIGHT AWAY SHE'S GOES,"OKAY, I LOVE RUGGED GUYS,

AND I LOVETHE AUSTRALIAN ACCENT."

I WAS LIKE,"ALL RIGHT, TAKE IT EASY. STOP.

THIS IS MORE OF AN ORIENTATION.I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE"--

AND THAT SUCKS FOR ME, BECAUSE,LIKE, NOBODY THINKS I'M RUGGED.

NOBODY LOOKS AT ME AND THINKS,LIKE, "THAT GUY'S RUGGED."

I THINK PEOPLE LOOK AT ME, LIKE,

"HEY, THAT BUILD-A-BEARIS DRUNK."

BUT THE AUSTRALIAN THINGI NEVER CARED ABOUT,

AND THEN ONE NIGHT WE METTHIS GUY FROM NEW ZEALAND.

AND IF YOU GUYS AREN'T FAMILIARWITH NEW ZEALAND,

IT'S AUSTRALIA.

BUT WE MET THIS GUY.HE SOUNDED AUSTRALIAN.

HE WAS, LIKE, 6'2",HE WAS SO RUGGED.

I START GETTIN' DRUNK,AND I'M LIKE, "SCREW THIS GUY.

HE'S JUST SEXY'CAUSE HE HAS AN ACCENT."

TURNS OUT, HE WAS SEXY.

'CAUSE IF I HAD THE ACCENT,IT WOULDN'T MATTER,

I'D STILL BE 5'8"WITH SMALL HANDS,

NOBODY WOULD GIVE A SHIT.

I'D STILL SAYTHE SAME LOSER STUFF.

EVEN IF I WAS AUSTRALIAN,I'D STILL BE LIKE...

[Australian accent] "HEY, BABY,I'VE EATEN ALL THE CHEESE

"IN THE FRIDGE, SO, UH...

"YOU MIGHT WANT TO SLEEPIN THE GUEST ROOM TONIGHT.

"IT'S GONNA BE PRETTY BAD.

LOT OF CHEESE FARTS."

LOTS OF FLAVOR, DECENT AMOUNTOF GIRTH, WHICH IS FUN--

KIND OF LIKE A PIÑA COLADA.I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

- COOL. THANKS, MAN.- OF COURSE.

- BETWEEN YOU AND ME,I THINK ADAM'S GONNA ASK

ONE OF THESE GIRLSTO MARRY HIM.

- I HOPE THEY SAY "NO."

- THIS IS ACTUALLY REALLY NICE.

- IT SHOULD BE,

BECAUSE I BOUGHT ITWITH SAVED MONEY

THAT I KEEP IN A BANK.

WHAT IS THIS?

[sniffs deeply]

SMELLS LIKE A FINE CABRIOLET.- IT'S A MERLOT.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD,

I THOUGHT HE JUST DRANK FLATBEER AND FLAMING DR. PEPPERS.

- YEAH, I THINK HE DOES.

- EXCUSE ME, MR. DEVINE, SIR.

- OH, HELLO, STEVEN,MY EMPLOYEE WHO I RESPECT.

HURRY THE [bleep] IN HEREAND SAY WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY.

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

UH, "YOUR STD TESTCAME BACK TODAY, AND YOU HAVE"--

- WHY ARE YOU DOING THISIN FRONT OF EVERYONE?

- "THE CLEANEST BLOODAND SEMEN THAT I, THE...

THE DICK DOCTOR,HAVE EVER SEEN."

- THAT SEEMS REAL.- CONGRATULATIONS.

- WOW, GOOD FOR YOU, YEAH.

- ALSO, "YOUR SPERM COUNTIS SO IMPRESSIVE,

"YOU WILL BEA GREAT FATHER SOON.

WE DOCTORS WANT PERMISSIONTO USE YOUR BLOOD

TO CURE PEOPLE."

- YES, I HATE DISEASES.

- ADAM, NO.- YES, THEY CAN USE IT.

- NONE OF WHAT YOU'RE SAYINGSEEMS TRUE.

- REALLY?- NO.

- IT'S A LEGAL--- HE IS HOLDING A PAPER.

IT SAYS "LEGAL DOCTOR'S NOTE."- "LEGAL DOCTOR'S NOTE"?

- STEVEN,I AM LOSING RESPECT FOR YOU

BECAUSE THAT'S OBVIOUSLYA FAKE NOTE.

SKEDADDLE!

- YOU NEED, LIKE,A REAL STD TEST.

- I HAVE HAD MANY,AND THEY ALL COME BACK...

- WHAT WAS THAT?- YEAH, WAS THAT A PASS?

- BUMP?- I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO IT.

[snaps fingers]WINE BONG.

[cheers and applause]

I DON'T KNOWIF ANYONE HAS THAT.

DO YOU REALLY?- YEAH.

- IT'S THE MOSTAMAZING THING EVER.

IT'S SO STUPID.IT IS A CALENDAR-LIKE THING--

LIKE A "VAGENDA."

AND WHAT YOU DO IS--YEAH.

YOU PUT YOUR PERIODIN YOUR PHONE ONCE, RIGHT?

LIKE, YOU JUST, LIKE, BLEEDON IT, LIKE, A LITTLE BIT,

AND YOU JUST--

THESE SMART PHONES,THEY'RE SO INTUITIVE, YOU GUYS.

WHERE DOES IT END NOW?

DON'T BLEED ON YOUR PHONE.

YOU JUST MANUALLY, LIKE,RUB BLOOD ON IT.

AND THEN--J.K., DON'T DO THAT EITHER.

YOU JUST PUT IT IN, AND THEN IT,LIKE, TRACKS IT FOR YOU.

IT'LL TELL YOU, LIKE, WHENYOU'RE GONNA GET YOUR PERIOD.

IT TELLS YOU LIKE,♪ TWO DAYS YOU'RE GONNA ♪

♪ BE A BITCH

IT HAS LIKE A LITTLE DEVIL FACE,LIKE "STAY INSIDE, WHORE."

WHOA!

I THOUGHT THIS WAS, LIKE,PRO-WOMAN.

TELLS YOU WHEN YOU'RE MOSTFERTILE.

SO YOU KNOW NOT TO [bleep]ON THOSE DAYS.

THAT'S IMPORTANT.

IT'S NOT LIKE, "GET PREGNANT."I MEAN, YOU'RE USING AN APP

TO DETERMINE WHEN YOU'REBLEEDING,

SO MAYBE A BABY ISN'TTHE BEST THING FOR YOU.

I DON'T KNOW,I JUST CAN'T HAVE KIDS.