July 22, 2015 - Gangsta Donald Trump & "All Lives Matter"

  • 07/22/2015

Mike Yard likens Donald Trump to a 90s rapper, and Uzo Aduba, Gary Owen and Lavell Crawford chat with Larry about the GOP's efforts to win over black voters.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Larry: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELCOME TO THE "THE NIGHTLYSHOW."

MAN, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW.

I'M LARRY WILMORE.

LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.

THERE WAS ANOTHER PRESIDENTIALANNOUNCEMENT, SO YOU KNOW WHAT

THAT MEANS.

TIME TO FIND OUT WHAT'SHAPPENING WITH THE UNBLACKENING.

(LAUGHTER)>> I HAVE DECIDED TO RUN FOR

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Larry: YAY.

JOHN KASICH!

(LAUGHTER)WOO!

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

MAN.

YAY.

(LAUGHTER)YAY.

(LAUGHTER)I'M TIRED.

ANOTHER GUY?

REALLY?

(LAUGHTER)OKAY.

WHAT DO WE HAVE, LIKE 43 GUYSRUNNING?

OKAY.

J.F.K., MAN,JOHN FREAKIN' KASICH.

(LAUGHTER)OKAY.

YOU GOT TO USE THAT.

WHAT DO WE KNOW?

WELL, HE'S THE GOVERNOR OF OHIO.

IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT SWINGSTATE.

HE'S KNOWN FOR WORKING ACROSSTHE AISLE.

HE'S OPEN TO IMMIGRATION REFORM.

AND HIS STATE TOOK SOMEOBAMACARE.

OKAY.

SO FAR HE'S O-KASICH IN MY BOOK.

(LAUGHTER)SERIOUSLY, HERE'S MY BOOK.

RIGHT HERE.

AND THERE YOU GO.

(LAUGHTER)HERE WE GO.

THERE WE GO.

SEE?

"SO O-KASICH."

SAYS IT RIGHT HERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NO, NO, NO.

YOU GUYS THINK I MAKE THIS[ BLEEP ] UP.

EVERYTHING I SAY HAS BEENTHOROUGHLY SOURCED.

ALL RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)EVERY TIME A CANDIDATE ON EITHER

SIDE ENTERS THE RACE, I THINK,HOW DOES THIS IMPACT ME?

>> I WAS JUST AT WENDY'S ONSATURDAY UP HERE ON HUDSON

AVENUE, AND TWO WONDERFULAFRICAN-AMERICAN FELLOWS WERE

THERE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: HMM.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN FELLOWS.

(LAUGHTER)OKAY.

THAT IS THE SAFEST POSSIBLE WAYOF SAYING "BLACK GUYS."

RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)IT'S SO SAFE, I'M ALMOST

OFFENDED.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

(LAUGHTER)OKAY.

WELL, HOW DID YOU INTERACT WITHTHESE FELLOWS?

>> TWO WONDERFULAFRICAN-AMERICAN FELLOWS WERE

THERE, AND I WALKED IN.

I WAS STANDING BEHIND THEM.

AND ONE SAID TO THE OTHER ONE,"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE

WHAT I'M SEEING, BUT I THINKTHAT'S GOVERNOR KASICH STANDING

BEHIND ME."

(LAUGHTER)AND THEY SAID, "YOU BETTER RUN."

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: DON'T GET AHEAD OF ME.

SO WHEN THE FELLOWS TOLD YOU"YOU BETTER RUN," YOU ASSUMED

THEYMEANT "YOU BETTER RUN FOR

PRESIDENT."

OKAY!

(LAUGHTER)OKAY.

OKAY.

OKAY.

FAIR ENOUGH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I'M JUST SAYING MIGHT HAVE BEEN

A 50/50 CHANCETHEY WERE TELLING YOU TO GET THE

HELL OUT OF THAT WENDY'S.

I'M JUST SAYING.

(LAUGHTER)BUT GOOD FOR YOU FOR HAVING A

FROSTEE-HALF-FULL ATTITUDE ONRACE RELATIONS.

OKAY.

GOOD FOR YOU, KASICH.

WHAT ELSE?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

THEY SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE.

THEY SAID IT WAS TOO BIG, TOOHARD.

>> THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: JEB!

GET OUTTA HERE!

WE'RE FOCUSED ON THE K-MAN RIGHTNOW.

ALL RIGHT, KASICH.

THIS IS YOUR ROLLOUT.

COME ON.

HIT ME WITH SOME OF THAT CLASSICKASICH CHARISMA.

KASICH-MA, IF YOU WILL.

(LAUGHTER)>> IT'S TEACHERS AND PREACHERS

AND MOMS AND DADS AND DOCTORS,CONSTRUCTION WORKERS.

(LAUGHTER)>> THE SUN'S COMING UP.

I TOLD THEM THAT THE SUN WOULDCOME UP AGAIN.

IT HASN'T REACHED ITS ZENITH BUTTHE SUN IS RISING.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: WHAT THE [ BLEEP ]?

THE SUN IS RISING?

OKAY.

ENOUGH, ENOUGH.

I'M THROUGH.

WHAT'S TRUMP DOING?

(LAUGHTER)>> THEY WOULD SAY I'M ONE OF THE

SMARTEST PEOPLE ANYWHERE IN THEWORLD.

NOW CHINA LOVES ME.

WHO'S WORSE TO CHINA AN I AM?

THE AMERICAN DREAM IS DEAD.

>> Larry: YES!

THERE YOU GO.

(LAUGHTER)WOO!

MUCH BETTER.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW THAT THE REPUBLICAN FIELD ISSEEMINGLY COMPLETE, I THOUGHT

I'D BRING ON OUR POLITICALEXPERT MIKE YARD TO DISCUSS

TRUMP AND WHICH CANDIDATE MIGHTHAVE THE BEST CHANCE OF WINNING

THE BLACK VOTE.

MIKE YARD, EVERYBODY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HOW YOU DOING, MIKE?

>> HEY, WHAT'S UP, LARRY?

Larry: SO, MIKE, IT SOUNDSLIKE JOHN KASICH IS TRYING TO

SOUND INCLUSIVE.

DO YOU THINK HE CAN APPEAL TOTHE BLACK VOTE?

>> THE BLACK VOTE'S ALREADYWRAPPED UP.

IT'S TRUMP.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: WAIT, TRUMP?

ARRY, THIS GUY IS '90sHIP-HOP, ALL DAY.

MAN!

(LAUGHTER)THINK ABOUT IT.

TRUMP LIKES GOLD.

(LAUGHTER)HE ROLLS DEEP.

HE HAD HIS OWN VODKA.

(LAUGHTER)HE'S GOT HIS OWN COLOGNE.

(LAUGHTER)HE'S GOT TONS OF BABY MAMAS.

(LAUGHTER)HE'S HAD COURT APPEARANCES.

AND HE'S DEALT WITHBANKRUPTCIES.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: WOW.

THAT IS AMAZING.

WAIT.

HOLD ON.

SO YOU THINK BLACK PEOPLE LIKEHIM BECAUSE HE SEEMS LIKE A

'90s RAPPER?

>> '90s, EARLY AUGHTS,WHATEVER.

(LAUGHTER)I MEAN, LOOK, DID YOU SEE WHEN

HE PISSED OFF NEIL YOUNG BYUSING HIS MUSIC?

THIS DUDE IS EVEN JACKING BEATS,LARRY!

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: JACKING BEATS?

(APPLAUSE)>> YES.

Larry: ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

I GUESS I CAN SEE WHY BLACKPEOPLE WOULD VOTE FOR HIM.

WAIT,BUT ISN'T HE PISSING EVERYBODY

OFF?

MUSICIANS, MEXICANS, JOHNMcCAIN.

>> EXACTLY.

EXACTLY, LARRY.

THE DUDE'S GOT BEEF WITHEVERYBODY!

(LAUGHTER)HE'S LIKE THE 50 CENT OF THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY.

(LAUGHTER)I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

ALL HE NEEDS IS TO GET SHOT NINETIMES, AND HE'S GOLDEN.

>> Larry: HOLD ON.

HOLD ON.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> I'M TELLING YOU.

I'M TELLING YOU.

(LAUGHTER)I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

DID YOU CHECK OUT HIS BEEF WITHLINDSEY GRAHAM?

>> Larry: OH, YEAH.

DIDN'T HE CALL TRUMP A JACKASS?

>> UH-HUH.

AND WHAT'D TRUMP DO?

>> SO LINDSAY GRAHAM SAID,PLEASE, PLEASE, WHATEVER YOU CAN

DO. AND HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER.

I FOUND THE CARD,

202-228-[ BLEEP ].

SO I DON'T KNOW.

GIVE IT A SHOT.

>> HE GAVE OUT A UNITED STATESSENATOR'S PRIVATE CELL PHONE

NUMBER!

THAT'S STRAIGHT-UP GANGSTA,LARRY!

(LAUGHTER)>> I KNOW.

Larry: YOU'RE RIGHT.

CLASSIC '90s HIP-HOP.

>> YES!

THAT'S BIGGIE/TUPAC STYLE.

ALL TODAY.

(LAUGHTER)BACK WHEN [ BLEEP ] WAS REAL.

>> Larry: SO HOW WILL THISAFFECT THE RACE IF TRUMP HAS THE

BLACK VOTE LOCKED UP?

>> AFFECT HIM?

THE RACE IS OVER, BROTHER.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: WAIT.

YOU THINK TRUMP'S GOING TO WINTHE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY?

>> YES!

WHITE PEOPLE LOVE HIP-HOP TOO!

AND REPUBLICANS LOVE IT EVENMORE COMING FROM A WHITE GUY.

TRUMP IS THE MACKLEMORECANDIDATE.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> Larry: OKAY.

OPEN UP YOUR EYES.

Larry: LET ME ASK YOU THIS,MIKE.

DOES THAT MEAN YOU THINK TRUMPCAN BEAT HILLARY?

>> YOU MEAN SUGE KNIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)LARRY, ARE YOU ASKING ME IF

MACKLEMORE CAN BEAT SUGE KNIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)LARRY, ANSWER THAT YOURSELF.

>> Larry: IT'S NOT REALLY WHAT ISAID.

BUT I THINK THE ANSWER'S NO.

>> THERE YOU GO.

Larry: MIKE YARD, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Larry: WELCOME BACK.

THIS PAST WEEKEND WAS THE ANNUALNETROOTS NATION CONFERENCE,

WHICH IS BASICALLY COMIC-CON BUTWITH ELIZABETH WARREN AND BERNIE

SANDERS --(LAUGHTER)

-- INSTEAD OF A GUY WHO HASCOMBINED HIS FRODO BAGGINS AND

ROBOCOP COSTUMES AND CALLSHIMSELF FRODOCOP.

(LAUGHTER)BASICALLY ALL IT IS.

AND THINGS GOT A LITTLE AWKWARDFOR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

MARTIN O'MALLEY WHEN A GROUP OFBLACK ACTIVISTS STARTED CHANTING

"BLACK LIVES MATTER."

>> WHEN THE CROWD CHANTED "BLACKLIVES MATTER," O'MALLEY TRIED TO

RESPOND.

>> BLACK LIVES MATTER.

WHITE LIVES MATTER.

ALL LIVES MATTER.

[ AUDIENCE BOOs ]BLACK LIVES MATTER.

WHITE LIVES MATTER.

ALL LIVES MATTER.

>> Larry: NO, NO!

YOUDON'T SAY IT TWICE.

DIDN'T YOU HEAR THE BOOING THEFIRST TIME?!

(LAUGHTER)THEY WEREN'T BOOING THE FACT

THAT YOU ONLY SAID IT ONCE!

(LAUGHTER)"BOO!

WHY ARE YOU ONLY SAYING ITONCE?"

(LAUGHTER)BUT WHY WAS O'MALLEY SURPRISED

BY THIS?

I MEAN, HILLARY GOT DINGED FORTHE SAME THING LAST MONTH.

SO IT SEEMS LIKE THERE'S ALITTLE CONFUSION HERE OVER THIS

PHRASE.

WHY CAN'T YOU SAY "ALL LIVESMATTER"?

I MEAN, IT SOUNDS LIKE IT MAKESSENSE.

HERE TO BREAK IT DOWN FOR US ISOUR RESIDENT BLEGGHEAD,

FELONIOUS MUNK.

FELONIOUS, WELCOME TO THEPROGRAM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)SOBASICALLY WHAT'S THE PROBLEM

WITH SAYING "ALL LIVES MATTER"?

>> BROTHER LARRY, THIS IS AQUANDARY AS OLD AS METHUSELAH

AND DOUBLY AS WEARY.

WHEN "ALL LIVES MATTER" ISOFFERED AS A REPOST, IT DECLARES

AN OBLIVIOUSNESS TO THE MILIEUIN WHICH "BLACK LIVES MATTER"

FINDS ITSELF PROPOUNDED.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

"BLACK LIVES MATTER" IS NOT ASALVO AGAINST THE GRIM SPECTER

OF DEATH "IN TOTO."

IT IS A SPECIFIC REBUTTAL TO THEPAROXYSM OF SAVAGERY THAT MY

BROTHERS AND SISTERS FINDTHEMSELVES BESET BY AT THE HANDS

OF THE CONSTABULARY.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: YEAH!

THAT'S THE CONSTABULARY, Y'ALL!

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

KEEP GOIN', BROTHER.

>> OF COURSE, "ALL LIVES MATTER"IS AN UNIMPEACHABLE VERACITY.

BUT IF ONE SUFFERS A SCHISM INTHE VERY OSSEUM OF THEIR

EXTREMITY AND SEEKINGASSISTANCE, THE HIPPOCRATIC

ACOLYTE TELLS THE SUFFERER THATNO LIMB SHOULD SUFFER SUCH

OPPROBRIUM.

THIS DOES NOTHING TO MEND THEFISSURE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: THAT'S MORE OF THAT

CONSTABULARY!

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

OKAY.

WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU SAYING?

>> IN THE PARLANCE OF THE HOUR,IF I BREAK MY LEGS, I DO NOT

WANT THE DOCTOR TELLING ME ALLLEGS SHOULD BE HEALED.

I WANT THE DOCTOR TO FIX MY LEG.

>> Larry: RIGHT, RIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)GOT IT.

OKAY SO YOU'RE SAYING "BLACKLIVES MATTER" IS A SPECIFIC CRY

FOR SOMETHING WHEREAS "ALL LIVESMATTER" IS JUST A WAY OF

SHUTTING DOWN THAT CRY.

>> YES.

Larry: OKAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)SO BASICALLY "ALL LIVES MATTER"

IS A NON SEQUITUR.

>> THERE IS NOT A SINGLESEQUITUR TO BE FOUND, BROTHER

LARRY.

(LAUGHTER)ONE DOES NOT ATTEND A READING BY

TONI MORRISON AND INTERRUPT HERTO SAY, "YES, BUT WHY HAVE YOU

NOT WEIGHED IN ON THE MOVIE'MINIONS'?"

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: MINIONS?

OKAY.

NOW YOU'RE JUST [ BLEEP ] WITHME.

(LAUGHTER)>> THOUGH, OF COURSE, I'M SURE

MS. MORRISON FOUND "MINIONS" TOBE A RISIBLE AND ENERGETIC

ENTERTAINMENT, AS DID I.

(LAUGHTER)FOR WHAT IS A MINION IF NOT

MAN'S TRUE ACHE LAID BARE?

A VORACIOUSNESS FOR PURPOSE,EVEN IF THAT PURPOSE BE

SERVITUDE.

AM I RIGHT, BROTHER LARRY?

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: I HAVE NO IDEA.

(LAUGHTER)WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT

MINIONS?

>> PRECISELY.

Larry: OH, I GET IT.

I JUST GOT "ALL LIVESMATTER'd," DIDN'T I?

>> THAT'S IT EXACTLY, BROTHERLARRY.

>> Larry: GOT IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I SEE WHAT YOU DID.

>> NOW YOU SEE "ALL LIVESMATTER" IS A SHELL GAME INTENDED

TO HIDE "BLACK LIVES MATTER"BENEATH THE SWINDLER'S DEVIOUS

OBFUSCATION.

>> Larry: YOU KNOW, FELONIOUS,YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO USE SO

MANY WORDS.

SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO CATCHYOUR MEANING.

>> BUT THE LANGUAGE IS THE VERYAIR I BREATHE.

LANGUAGE IS OUR EVOLUTIONARYPREROGATIVE.

IT'S WHAT SEPARATES US FROMTHE -- UH --

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: YOU REALLY WANT TO SAY

MINIONS, DON'T YOU?

>> I CAN'T HELP IT.

I LOVE THOSE LITTLE YELLOW GUYS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: FELONIOUS MUNK,

EVERYONE!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Larry: WELCOME BACK.

I'M HERE WITH MY PANEL.

HE'LL BE AT CAROLINE'S INNEW YORK CITY JULY 23rd

THROUGH JULY 26th.

COMEDIAN GARY OWEN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HE'S BEEN WITH US MANY TIMES

BEFORE.

WELCOME BACK COMEDIAN LAVELLCRAWFORD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AND SHE'S AN EMMY-AWARD-WINNING

ACTRESS WHO HAS ALSO BEENNOMINATED FOR AN EMMY AGAIN THIS

YEAR FOR NETFLIX'S "ORANGE ISTHE NEW BLACK," UZO ADUBA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT "BLACK LIVESMATTER."

(LAUGHTER)HERE'S WHAT I WANT TO SAY.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHEN PEOPLEHEAR THAT THEY HAVE TO KEEP

RESPONDING THAT "ALL LIVESMATTER."

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

>> I THINK WHAT HAPPENS IS THATPEOPLE THINK WHEN SAYING "BLACK

LIVES MATTER," THEY THINK OF ITAS BEING EXCLUSIONARY SOMEHOW

WHEN IT'S NOT REALLY MEANT TO BETHAT.

IT'S NOT EXCLUDING PEOPLE, YOUKNOW?

ON, I DON'T KNOW, EARTH DAY, WEDON'T INCLUDE JUPITER.

(LAUGHTER)YOU KNOW, WE JUST HAVE EARTH

>> Larry: THAT'S TRUE.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU THINK IF REPUBLICANS TALKABOUT RACE IN AN HONEST WAY, DO

YOU THINK THEY HAVE A CHANCE TOWIN SOME OF THE BLACK VOTES?

BECAUSE IN MY ESTIMATION,OBAMA'S GONE.

SO 99% BLACK VOTE BLOC IS GONE.

RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)99%, BECAUSE THERE'S A FEW ROGUE

OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)YOU DO NOT WANT TO VOTE FOR THE

FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT, WHATEVER.

DON'T GET ON THE HISTORY TRAIN.

DO YOU THINK REPUBLICANS CAN GETSOME OF THAT BLACK VOTE NOW?

IF THEY REALLY TALK ABOUT RACEIN AN HONEST WAY.

>> THEY CAN, BUT DON'T TRY TORELATE -- I HATE WHEN

REPUBLICANS SAY, MY GRANDPARENTSCAME OVER HERE AND WE WERE BROKE

AND WE STARTED FROM THE BOTTOMAND WE WORKED OUR WAY UP.

YEAH, BUT YOU'RE STILL WHITE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

(LAUGHTER)YOU'RE STILL AT THE BOTTOM WITH

OTHER WHITE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?

>> Larry: IT'S A CLASS ISSUE.

JUST DON'T DO THAT.

JUST SAY -- IF THEY WERE MOREHONEST LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

IT'S LIKE TO BE BLACK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TOBE PROFILED.

HELP ME UNDERSTAND IT.

YOU KNOW?

DON'T JUST GO IN LIKE, I KNOWWHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T, YOU KNOW WHATI MEAN?

>> Larry: RIGHT.>> EVERY TIME AT ELECTION TIME

IT PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE

YOU ALWAYS FIND ONE BROTHERTHAT'S LIKE A DON LEMONISH

KIND OF GUY.

>> I THINK MITT ROMNEY WILL HAVEA GOOD CHANCE IF HE JUST PUT

FORTH OUR POLICIES.

>> NO, NO, NO.

HIS BLACK ASS.

NO.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: LET'S BE REAL ABOUT

THIS.

THERE ARE A LOT OF THE BLACKSWHO ARE SOCIALLY CONSERVATIVE.

>> BUT THEY AIN'T AT THECONVENTION

>> Larry: HOLD ON.

THEY'RE SOCIALLY CONSERVATIVE.

(LAUGHTER)LET ME ASK YOU THIS DO BLACK

VOTES MATTER IF ALL WE DO ISVOTE DEMOCRAT?

>> DEMOCRAT.

Larry: MAYBE LATINO VOTESMATTER MORE BECAUSE THEY'RE LIKE

SHOW ME WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DOBEFORE I GIVE YOU MY VOTE

>> DEMOCRATS HAVE THE LATINOVOTE AFTER WHAT DONALD TRUMP

SAID. DONALD TRUMP IS THROUGH.

HE THROUGH. TRUMP'S GOLF COURSEHAS SO MUCH GRASS NOW, THE BEDS

AREN'T MADE AT THE HOTEL,HIS CAR'S BEEN DIRTY FOR

SIX MONTHS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: MEXICANS CLEAN HIS CAR

EVERY DAY.

(LAUGHTER)>> I'LL KEEP IT REAL.

I KNOW WHO KEEPS MY GRASS CUT.

THANK YOU, JOSE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: NO, NO, NO.

YOU CAN'T STAND UP FOR THEM ANDTHEN SLAM THEM IN THE SAME

SENTENCE.

>> I'M NOT SLAMMING THEM!

Larry: OKAY.

HERE'S THE REAL "KEEPING ITREAL" ISSUE.

THERE WAS THIS THING THATHAPPENED IN A RESTAURANT

RECENTLY.

I LOVE THESE KIND OF ISSUESBECAUSE THIS WOMAN, HER

2-YEAR-OLD WAS JUST CRYING,CRYING, CRYING, SCREAMING

CRYING.

FOR LIKE 40 MINUTES.

OKAY?

>> RIGHT.

Larry: AND SOME PEOPLE ARECONDEMNING HER AND OTHERS ARE

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

AND THEN THE OWNER OF THE DINER,I THINK, WENT AND UP YELLED AT

THE KID, TOLD THE KID TO BEQUIET AND THE KID STOPPED.

(LAUGHTER)CAN WE SHOW THE CLIP RIGHT NOW?

>> LIFE'S FULL OF CHOICES.

AND YOU GOTTA LIVE WITH ALL OFTHEM.

I CHOSE TO YELL AT THAT KID.

IT MADE HER SHUT UP, WHICH MADEME HAPPY.

IT MADE MY STAFF HAPPY.

IT MADE THE OTHER 75 PEOPLE INTHE RESTAURANT HAPPY.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: OKAY.

ARE WE COOL WITH THAT?

CAN YOU SAY THAT TO SOMEBODY?

>> I GUARANTEE YOU IT WAS AWHITE CHILD AND A WHITE FAMILY

THAT SHE YELLED AT.

I KNOW THAT.

IT WASN'T NO BLACK --(LAUGHTER)

WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT A RESTAURANTLIKE THAT, I WAS THINKING ABOUT

IT MYSELF BECAUSE WE NEVER TOOKOUR KIDS OUT TO EAT TILL THEY

WERE LIKE 5 BECAUSE WE DON'TWANT TO BE IN THAT SITUATION.

BUT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY WILLSIT YOU RIGHT NEXT TO SOMEBODY.

MY WIFE'S BLACK.

THEY TRY TO SIT US DOWN NEXT TOA BLACK COUPLE WITH A 2-YEAR-OLD

DAUGHTER AND I SAID I'M NOTSITTING NEXT TO THEM.

TO MY WIFE I SAID I'M GLAD YOUWERE WITH ME BECAUSE IT LOOKED

REAL RACIST.

MY POINT WAS I DIDN'T WANT TOSIT NEXT A CHILD -- TO A CHILD

BECAUSE WE GOT A BABYSITTER FORA NIGHT OUT.

I THOUGHT, OOH THAT COULD HAVEGONE BAD REAL QUICK.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: WAS THAT A RIGHT MOVE

FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW?

>> I KIND OF GO BACK AND FORTHLIKE I DON'T THINK -- IF A KID

IS CRYING ENDLESSLY, I THINK THEPARENTS MAYBE JUST OUT OF

COURTESY FOR THE REST OF THERESTAURANT SHOULD MAYBE ASK FOR

THEIR STUFF TO GO OR SOMETHING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BUT ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO

A RESTAURANT -- LIKE IF YOU'REIN A PLANE --

>> Larry: THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO.

YOU CAN'T JUMP OUT.

(LAUGHTER)SO IT'S -- BUT IF YOU'RE IN A

RESTAURANT, I THINK MAYBE YOUSHOULD PACK EVERYTHING UP.

I'M NOT REALLY SURE I'D BE OKAYIF SOMEBODY CAME OVER AND SAID

TO MY KID TO SHUT UP>> YOU CAN GO OVER TO SOMEBODY

AND JUST TURN INTO CRAZY EYES.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: IS IT RIGHT OR WRONG

AND WOULD YOU DO IT?

>> IT WAS RIGHT ON SO MANYPERSPECTIVES.

(LAUGHTER)I'D BE SITTING THERE WANTING TO

SLAP THE HELL OUT OF PEOPLE'SKIDS BUT I HAVE NEVER GOT THE

COURAGE TO COME UP AND SAY SHUTYOUR ASS UP.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Larry: RIGHT.

BECAUSE MY GRANDMAMA USED TOSAY, LORD, IF I GET FIVE MINUTE

WITH THAT CHILD, EVERYTHINGWOULD BE ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)AND I SWEAR AND IT REALLY WOULD

BECAUSE FIVE MINUTES WAS ALL SHENEEDED.

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: A 30-SECOND EARTHQUAKE

IS FOREVER.

FIVE MINUTES WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER --

>> FIVE MINUTES WITH MYGRANDMOTHER.

>> I CAN ATTEST TO THAT.

(OVERLAPPING TALKING)>> MY SON ACTED UP ONE TIME IN

DENNY'S AND MY WIFE TOOK HIM INTHE BATHROOM AT DENNY'S.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED INTHAT BATHROOM.

(LAUGHTER)ALL I KNOW IS EVERY TIME WE

DRIVE BY DENNY'S, HE BREAKS INTOA COLD SWEAT, STARTS TWITCHING

(LAUGHTER)>> Larry: I AM NOT MAD AT THIS

WOMAN AT ALL.

THIS IS WHAT I DID TO MY KIDS.

DON'T SPANK THEM.

DON'T HIT THEM.

YOU DO THE PINCH.

I DO LIKE THIS AND I PINCH UNDERTHE TABLE, LOOK THEM IN THE EYE

AND SAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TOBE OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Larry: IF YOU LIVE IN THE

NEW YORK CITY AREA OR PLANNINGTO VISIT, GRAB SOME FREE TICKETS

TO AN UPCOMING TAPING OF THE"THE NIGHTLY SHOW."