Tom Parks & T. Sean Shannon

  • 02/24/1992

FOR MONTHS NOW--WEEKS, MONTHS, YEARS

I'M JUST, HEY,AS LONG AS YOU HAVE YOUR HEALTH.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

I'M TALKING TO A PERSON WHO'SLOADING NINE HANDGUNS HERE.

THAT'S FINE.

THAT WAS A JOKE I WROTEIN FRANCE WITH LEONARD COHEN.

I LOVE LEONARD COHEN,BY THE WAY.

I'VE BEEN DOING THIS--I'VE BEEN EMCEEING THIS THING

OR EMCEEING, HOSTING,WHATEVER IT'S CALLED

AND, UH, I'M OLD.

I REALIZE I'M OLD NOW.

( laughter )

I WAS BACKSTAGEAND EVERYBODY WAS SAYING

"COME ON, MR. LEWIS."

ONLY MY GUIDANCE COUNSELORSHOULD SAY MR. LEWIS.

I SAID, "I'M ON THE PHONEWITH MY DOCTOR."

I MEAN, THIS IS HOWI KNEW HOW OLD I FELT.

"IT'S ABOUT ONE OF MY TESTICLES,GIVE ME A BREAK."

BUT I KNOWI'LL GO BACK HOME TONIGHT

I'LL CHECK MY MACHINE, BEEP.

"HI, IT'S MICK.

YEAH, LISTEN, MY COLON'S FINE."

BEEP.

"HI, IT'S IRV.

YEAH, THE URINALYSIS IS TOMORROW."

BEEP.

YOU KNOW.

BUT I... YOU KNOW, I'M OLD.

I JUST, UH,I DON'T KNOW, I JUST, UH...

I GUESS I'M GOING TO DIE DUMBTOO WHICH IS SAD FOR ME.

IF I HAD TO DO A MID-TERM NOWLIKE, "WHAT WAS THE ALAMO?"

TRUST ME.

I'D SAID, "I DON'T--LOOK, THERE WAS A BUILDING

"AND FESS PARKER WAS THERE

"AND A COUPLE OF MEXICANSHAD SOME SABRETT'S STANDS

"AND THERE WAS A FIGHT ANDTHEN I THINK WALT DISNEY WON.

"I DON'T KNOW.

"I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE LOST IT."

THAT'S WHY,IT'S GOOD TO HAVE, YOU KNOW

MAKE LOVE,BE ABLE TO HAVE AN ORGASM

AND FORGETABOUT HIGH SCHOOL HISTORY.

BUT, KIDS, WEAR CONDOMS,I'M NOT KIDDING.

BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO STUDY...

WHAT, THAT SEGUE SCARED YOUA LITTLE BIT, DIDN'T IT?

BUT I'VE BEEN READING NOW MORE

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN BUSYFOR THE LAST 25 YEARS.

I HAVE STOPPED READING.

I GET THESE BOOKS THAT ARE READBY PEOPLE LIKE VINCENT PRICE

YOU KNOW, AND YOU PUTTHEM ON IN THE CAR.

I READ CAT IN THE HAT.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T READ IT,I HEARD IT.

PUT THE GUNS AWAY, SERIOUSLY.

JUST HAPPENED TO ME RECENTLY.

I WAS GRADUATEDFROM THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA.

THAT'S NOT THE EXCITING THING.

THAT WAS A WHILE BACK

AND THIS YEAR I HEADLINEDTHE HOMECOMING SHOW

AT THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA.

IT'S 80,000 PEOPLEAT THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA.

I'M DOING A HALF HOUR OF COMEDYFOR 80,000 PEOPLE--

THE FIRST ALUMTO EVER HEADLINE THIS SHOW.

NOW, IT'S PRETTY EXCITING.

BUT THE MOST EXCITING THING WASIN 30 MINUTES

I GOT MY TUITION BACK.

( laughter )

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRYOR WHAT, BOY?

AND I HAD SORT OF BEEN HACKEDABOUT MY EDUCATION.

I WAS NOT A GREAT STUDENT.

I TRIED VERY HARD.

I DID THINGS LIKE DEBATING CLUB.

I WAS IN DEBATING CLUB.

I WASN'T GOOD AT DEBATING.

MY IDEA OF A GOOD REBUTTAL WAS,"WELL, YOU'RE JUST STUPID!"

( laughter )

I ACTUALLY WONA COUPLE THAT WAY.

THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE.

I SPENT A LOT OF MONEYON MY EDUCATION, FOLKS.

I SPENT $40,000 ON MY EDUCATION.

40 GRAND-- I OWN$40,000 WORTH OF INFORMATION.

IT'S ALL CONTAINEDIN THIS SMALL AREA RIGHT HERE.

40K RIGHT THERE.

I BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE 17 YEARS.

IN 17 YEARS, NO ONE HAS ASKED MEFOR ANY OF THIS INFORMATION.

( applause )

I COULD HAVE STAYED STUPIDAND BOUGHT A LAMBORGHINI.

NO PRACTICAL USE FOR IT.

NO POLICEMAN HAS EVER STOPPED MEFOR SPEEDING AND SAID

"BOY, YOU WERE DOING65 MILES AN HOUR.

WHAT IS THE DEFINITIONOF OSMOSIS?"

I'M READY FOR THAT.

"MOLECULAR MOVEMENT FROMAN AREA OF HIGH CONCENTRATION

"TO AN AREA OF LOW CONCENTRATION

ACROSS A SEMI-PERMEABLEMEMBRANE, SIR."

"WELL, HELL, YOU CAN GO."

( laughter )

I TOOK $10,000 WORTH OF SPANISH.

( laughter )

TODAY, I REMEMBERTWO $5,000 SENTENCES.

( laughter )

ONE: MI TOCADISCO ESTA DISCOMPUESTO.

MY RECORD PLAYER IS BROKEN.

( laughter )

PRETTY GOOD FOR FIVE GRAND.

TWO: iQUE LASTIMA! DOS CHICAS EN LA COCINA.

WHAT A PITY THERE ARETWO GIRLS IN THE KITCHEN.

( laughter )

YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW MANY TIMESI HAVE NEEDED THOSE SENTENCES.

THAT'S WHERE I WAS WRONG

AND I'M WILLING TO STAND UPIN FRONT OF YOU

AND ADMIT THAT I WAS WRONG.

BECAUSE WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

SINCE I'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGEIS SOONER OR LATER

YOU GET A CHANCE TO USEEVERYTHING YOU LEARNED--

EVERYTHING, NO MATTER HOW...

ESOTERIC.

OOH.

$12.95.

( laughter )

I EVEN GOT A CHANCETO USE MY SPANISH--

BOTH SENTENCES, SAME DAY.

THIS IS VERBATIM THE WAYTHIS INCIDENT WENT DOWN.

I'M AT DISNEYLAND, MAIN STREET,STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK

WAITING FOR THE INEVITABLEPARADE OF DISNEY CHARACTERS.

BETWEEN ME AND THE PARADETHERE IS A MEXICAN FAMILY.

FATHER STANDINGRIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

HE HAS ON A CAMERA.

HE SEEMS TO BE HAVINGA PROBLEM WITH THE CAMERA.

HE SEEMS TO BE ASKING MEFOR HELP.

WELL, I SAY "SEEMS"BECAUSE ALL I KNOW IS

HE HASN'T MENTIONED "KITCHEN"OR "RECORD PLAYER."

( laughter )

HE KEEPS TALKING TO ME.

I'M GETTING REAL UNCOMFORTABLE.

I REALIZE I GOT TO SAY SOMETHINGTO HIM IN HIS NATIVE TONGUE.

I REVIEWED MY SPANISH.

I LOOK HIM RIGHT IN THE EYEAND HESITANTLY I TOLD HIM

"MI TOCADISCO ESTA DISCOMPUESTO."

MY RECORD PLAYER IS BROKEN.

THAT STOPPED HIM COLD.

TRUE STORY.

HE LOOKED REAL PUZZLED

THEN A SMILE BROKE OUTON HIS FACE.

HE TURNED TO HIS WIFE,TOLD HER WHAT I SAID.

SHE BURST OUT LAUGHING.

HELL, I REALIZEDI'VE TOUCHED HIM.

I PRESSED MY ADVANTAGE.

I LOOKED AT HIM AGAIN.

THIS TIME CONFIDENTLY I SAID

iQUE LASTIMA! DOS CHICAS EN LA COCINA.

NOW, THIS IS WHEREIT GETS REAL GOOD.

BECAUSE THIS GUY THOUGHTABOUT THIS FOR A SECOND

THEN HE LOOKED AT ME AND HE SAID

"MERRY CHRISTMAS."

( laughter and applause )

I, OF COURSE, REPLIED, "BURRITO."

TO WHICH HE RESPONDED,"CHEVY IMPALA."

WE WERE COMMUNICATING.

NOW, WE STOOD THERE 20 MINUTES

I REALIZED I'D LEARNED

THREE SENTENCESAFTER COLLEGE FOR FREE.

NOW, I FIGURED

THIS IS MY MOMENTSO I WHIPPED THEM ON HIM:

"┬┐DONDE ESTA LA PLAYA NUDISTA?"

WHERE'S THE NUDE BEACH?

THAT TORE HIM UP, BOY.

"YO ME SIENTO MUY BORRACHO Y QUISIERA MORIRME."

I'M VERY DRUNKAND I WANT TO DIE.

( laughter )

I LEARNED BOTH OF THOSEON THE SAME VACATION.

( laughter )

AND THE LAST ONE I LEARNED

TRAVELING ON AIRPLANES A LOT.

SU ASIENTO PUEDE USADA PARA UN SALVAVIDA.

YOUR SEAT CUSHION CAN BE USEDAS A FLOTATION DEVICE.

WHICH I THINK IS A PATENTLYRIDICULOUS ANNOUNCEMENT

THAT YOUR SEAT CUSHION CANBE USED AS A FLOTATION DEVICE.

FOLKS, IF WE'RE CRASHING

MY SEAT CUSHION'S GOINGTO BE USED AS A TOILET.

( laughter )

I'LL BE IN THE OCEANGIVING THAT BAD BOY AWAY.

PEOPLE WONDER WHEREI LEARNED SENTENCES LIKE

"WHERE IS THE NUDE BEACH?"

WENT TO ONE OF THOSE CLUB MEDS.

EVENING MEAL AT EVERY CLUB MEDSERVED FAMILY STYLE

EIGHT PEOPLE TO A TABLE,STRANGERS.

MY FIRST EVENING, I'M SEATEDWITH SEVEN LATIN AMERICANS.

WE'RE SITTING THERE DISCUSSING

THE PROBLEMS I'VE BEEN HAVINGWITH MY STEREO.

THE SUBJECTOF THE NUDE BEACH COMES UP

I'M INSTANTLY INTRIGUEDBECAUSE I NEVER BEEN BEFORE.

HERE IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

BEFORE YOU GO TO A NUDE BEACH

THERE ARE THINGS YOU GOTTO THINK ABOUT BEFORE YOU GO.

SUNSCREEN.

NOW, I'M A BRIGHT YOUNG MAN.

I HAD IMAGINED THE PROBLEMAND I SOLVED IT.

I BOUGHT SUNSCREEN.

I GET TO THE BEACH.

I PUT THE TOWEL DOWN.

I TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF.

I PUT THE SUNSCREEN ON MY HAND.

I REALIZED I HADN'T THOUGHTFAR ENOUGH AHEAD.

THIS IS SOMETHING YOU GOTTO BE REAL CASUAL ABOUT.

( laughter )

AND THE PROBLEM WAS COMPOUNDEDBY THE FACT

THAT ON THE TUBE IT SAID"REAPPLY EVERY 20 MINUTES."

WAIT, HOLD ON, LET ME GUESS.

"THE MIRACLES FOR $40--GO, GO, GO..."

OH, NO, "GOING TO THE GO-GO."

OKAY, SO PARDON ME, I'M SORRY.

IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK,TO HOST THE A LIST.

EMCEE, I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT DOES THAT STAND FOR?

MANIC COMPRESSIVE.

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL

THERE'S LIKE AN UNHEALTHY MANTRYING TO GET OUT OF MY BODY.

IT'S SORT OF SAD.

I WAS MOCKING MYSELF BEFOREBECAUSE I FEEL OLD.

( coughs )

OH-OH, T.B., CHECK.

GOOD NIGHT.

BUT I'M NOT WACKY.

I WAS JUST READING, YOU KNOW

I'M THINKINGABOUT PEOPLE WHO ARE WACKY

AND I LOVE MICHAEL JACKSON

BUT HE SPENT OVER THREE MILLIONDOLLARS FOR THE ELEPHANT MAN?

FOR THE BONES?

HEY, STICKBALL BAT,A PUMPERNICKEL-- BUCK EIGHTY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE.

( coughs )

X-RAY, PLEASE, SOON.

I GOT IN THIS ELEVATOR EARLIER

AND I ENDED UP STANDINGNEXT TO THIS WOMAN

WHO SMELLED JUSTLIKE MY EX-GIRLFRIEND--

THE SAME PERFUME OR SOMETHING.

IT'S NEAT HOW AN AROMA CAN MAKEYOU THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE.

SO, I'M STRANGLINGTHIS WOMAN, RIGHT?

( laughter )

YEAH, SHE HAS NO IDEA

WHY I'M BANGING HER HEADAGAINST THE WALL.

TWO GUYS WALK ON.

I EXPLAIN THIS STORY TO THEM.

THEY HOLD HERWHILE I KICK HER SO...

( laughter )

THEY WERE VERY UNDERSTANDING.

WHICH-- I'M DRINKING TONIGHT.

I DRINK EVERY NIGHT.

I STILL HAVEN'T, UH,GOTTEN OVER THE FACT

THAT I DON'T HAVESCHOOL TOMORROW, YOU KNOW?

I TELL YOU.

YOU EVER NEED A REASON TO DRINK,THERE'S A GREAT ONE, ISN'T IT?

"I DON'T HAVE CLASS.

HEY, I'M GETTING LOADED."

WHENEVER I GET REALLY BUMMED OUTABOUT MY DRINKING

I ATTEND AN A.A. MEETING.

I LEAVE THERE,I ALWAYS FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

I ALWAYS GO,"MAN, I THOUGHT I HAD PROBLEMS.

"I JUST DRINK AND THROW UP,YOU KNOW?

"I HAVEN'T LOST A HOUSEYET, JEEZ.

"YOU ALL ARE PARTY DEMONS HERE.

I'M IN LITTLE LEAGUECOMPARED TO YOU GUYS."

I WAS SO DRUNKI COULDN'T FIND MY HOUSE.

YOU ACTUALLY GET BOOEDAT A MEETING

YOU TELL A STORY THAT DUMB.

IT'S LIKE, "OH, BOO,GET OUT OF HERE.

DON'T COME BACKWITHOUT YOUR MOM'S HEAD, GO."

"I'LL BE BACK.

I'LL SHOW YOU I CAN PARTY."

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

THIS IS PRETTY STRANGE.

THESE KIDS ARE SITTING AROUNDEATING FLAPJACKS AT BREAKFAST

AND THIS BOTTLE OF SYRUPCOMES UP

AND STARTS TALKING TO THE KIDS.

I'VE NEVER HAD A BOTTLETALK TO ME AT BREAKFAST BEFORE.

USUALLY IT'S THE NIGHT BEFOREAT A BAR

AND IT'S JIM BEAM GOING

"YOU COULD BEAT THE HELLOUT OF THOSE BIKERS."

( laughter )

"ARE YOU SURE?"

"I BET YOUR ASS ON IT,GO GET THEM."

"HEY, BIKERS, BUNCH OF PUSSES."

NEXT MORNING, I'M WAKING UP--

"MRS. BUTTERWORTH."

( laughter )

"NO, SON, I'M NURSE BOATMAN.

YOU'RE IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM."

"JIM BEAM'S A LIAR."

BUT I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLICWHICH IS PRETTY IMPORTANT.

MY DAD IS A WORKAHOLIC.

HE'S WORKS ALL THE TIME.

I LUCKED OUT.

THAT SKIPS GENERATIONS.

I GET TO MOOCHOFF MY KIDS TOO, SO...

I JUST MOVED HERE.

I MOVED TO LOS ANGELESJUST RECENTLY FROM HOUSTON.

I'M STILL LOOKINGFOR AN APARTMENT

WHICH IS SO DIFFICULT OUT HERE.

I'M STAYING WITH A GUYI WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH

IN A ONE BEDROOMWHICH IS, OH, SO PRIVATE.

WE GOT SIGNALS ON THE DOOR

JUST IN CASE ONE OF US HAS AMAGAZINE IN THE ROOM, YOU KNOW?

WHICH CAN BE PRETTYEMBARRASSING, BUT...

IT IS INSANE LOOKINGFOR APARTMENTS OUT HERE.

THEY'RE OVERPRICED,THEY'RE HARD TO FIND.

YOU'RE, LIKE, DRIVING AROUND,YOU HEAR GUNSHOTS.

IT'S LIKE:( simulates gunshots ).

"OH, GOD, THIS ISN'TA GOOD NEIGHBORHOOD

"BUT THAT COULD BE A VACANCY.

WHERE'D THAT COME FROM?"

( laughter )

"I SAY WITH THE ECHOIT'S THAT BUILDING, HURRY."

( laughter )

I WORKED OUT TODAY.

THAT WASMY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION.

I DECIDED I WOULD GET IN SHAPE,EXERCISE THIS YEAR

AND TODAY WAS THE DAY.

I'M PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT IT.

I FEEL GREAT.

I'M READY FOR '93, MAN.

WHICH-- I WORK OUT AT THE Y

WHICH I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVETO BE NUDE WHEN YOU SHOWER.

I UNDERSTAND THAT.

I'M PERFECTLY COMFORTABLEWITH THAT IDEA.

BUT AFTER YOU GET OUT OFTHE SHOWER AND YOU DRY OFF

PUT YOUR UNDERWEAR ON.

"I THINK I'M GOINGTO PUT MY SOCKS ON FIRST."

"NO!"

"PUT YOUR UNDERWEAR ON."

"NO WAY, I..."

( laughter and applause )

"I WANT TO SHAVE NUDE."

"NO!"

"WRAP A TOWELAROUND THAT THING, MAN."

I HAVE ENOUGH PRESSUREIN MY LIFE.

I DON'T NEED THAT STARINGAT ME, YOU KNOW?

WENT TO COLLEGE,DID THAT, GRADUATED.

WAS GOING TO GO TO GRADUATESCHOOL BUT I DON'T HAVE SANDALS

SO, YOU KNOW, THAT'S OUT.

LOW POINT OF COLLEGE FOR ME:I FLUNKED FRESHMAN ENGLISH.

I FLUNK ENGLISH.

THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME,HE'S WEARING A TURBAN.

HE MADE A "B."

I SPEAK THE LANGUAGE, YOU KNOW.

HADJI FROM JOHNNY QUESTGETS A "B."

I FLUNK, HE'S OVER THERE GOING,"ME HAPPY."

HEY, THAT AIN'T EVEN A SENTENCE.

"ME PISSED."

( laughter )

"REALLY AM PISSED.

PERIOD."

BUT THEN AGAIN, WEREN'T THEY ALLGOING WELL AT ONE POINT, HUH?

THAT'S ME, MR. OPTIMISM.

MY LAST ONE WASA BIG HEARTACHE, BIG BREAKUP.

WE WERE DATING TWO YEARS.

WE BROKE UP.

IT WAS A MUTUAL DECISION.

UH, HER AND ALL HER FRIENDSGOT TOGETHER...

YEAH.

( cheering and applause )

THEY TOOK A LITTLE VOTE.

BITCHES 8, COOL DUDE 0, SO.

WE BROKE UP

AND THEN MY FRIENDS ARETAKING ME OUT TO A TOPLESS BAR

TO GET ME "BACK INTO ACTION."

WE GO TO THIS TOPLESS BAR.

IT WAS THE WORST TOPLESS BAR.

IT WAS A COMBINATION SPORTS BAR,TOPLESS BAR.

IT HAD BIG-SCREEN SPORTS GOINGWHILE THE WOMEN DANCED.

HOW HOMOPHOBIC CAN YOU GET?

JEEZ, AREN'T NAKED WOMEN ENOUGH?

DO YOU NEED SPORTS?

SCREW IT.

WHY NOT PUT IN A GUN RANGEJUST TO CONFIRM YOUR MANHOOD?

AND THEN SIT THERE, "WOW,LOOK AT HER TITTIES, TOUCHDOWN."

( gunshots )

"I AM 100% MAN, DAMN IT!"

"I HAVE NIPPLES.

"I HAVE PIGSKIN.

"I HAVE AMMO.

I WILL NOW DO A CAVE PAINTING."

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