Comedy Central Presents
Season 13

CC Presents: Josh Blue

  • Season 13, Ep 21
  • 01/11/2009

THANK YOU.

Woman:I LOVE YOU, JOSH!

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU. OH, MAN,YOU GUYS NEED TO SHUT UP.

I ONLY GOT 30 MINUTES, SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE, MAN.I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I WENT FROM BEING SPECIALTO HAVING ONE.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT IS EXCITING, MAN!

LOOK, I KNOW A LOT OF YOU

ARE PROBABLY WONDERINGABOUT THIS HAIRDO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I'M ONE OF YOU, ACTUALLY.

ACTUALLY,I WENT INTO THE BARBER,

AND I WAS LIKE, "COULD YOUMAKE ME LOOK LIKE A LADY COP?"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

OKAY.

LITTLE CAGNEY IN THE FRONT,LACEY IN THE BACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAVE A BOUFFANT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO MAN SHOULD HAVE A BOUFFANT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THAT IS FUN TO SAY, THOUGH.

BOUFFANT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT SHOULD BE A NEW SWEAR WORD.

"OH, I JUST BOUFFANTEDMY PANTS."

[ APPLAUSE ]

DON'T WANT TO BOUFFANTYOUR PANTS DURING YOUR SPECIAL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT IS PRETTY CRAZY LIVINGWITH A PHYSICAL DISABILITY.

AND FOR THOSE OF YOUWHO HAVEN'T CAUGHT ON YET...

[ LAUGHTER ]

CHECK THAT OUT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLEIN WEIRD WAYS.

LIKE, THIS HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.

I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET,AND THIS WOMAN WALKS UP TO ME.

SHE GOES, "YOU KNOW,I THINK IT'S SO INSPIRATIONAL

THAT YOU'RE OUT."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I WAS LIKE, "I'M ON MY WAYTO THE LIQUOR STORE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"ARE YOU INSPIRED?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS. I WAS LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

"GOT TO GET TO THE STORE!"

BUT THEN, AS I WAS WALKING AWAY,I STARTED THINKING,

"WAIT A MINUTE,DID SHE MEAN I WAS GAY?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT KIND OF 'OUT'DOES SHE MEAN, YOU KNOW?

I KNOW I WALK FUNNY.

BUT NOT THAT KIND OF FUNNY,YOU KNOW?

[ LAUGHTER ]

PALSY.

GAY.

PALSY.

GAY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

JUST TO CLEAR THAT UP.

APPARENTLY,IT'S ALL IN THE WRIST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M PRETTY SURE CEREBRAL PALSY'SA LOT LESS PAINFUL, THOUGH.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

CEREBRAL PALSY'SNEVER PREVENTED ME

FROM COMFORTABLYSITTING DOWN BEFORE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLING ]

SO, I WANT TO GET THISOUT OF THE WAY.

I CAN TELL MOST OF YOUARE ENJOYING YOURSELVES.

BUT THERE'S DEFINITELY

A COUPLE PEOPLE SITTINGOUT THERE LIKE THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"INAPPROPRIATE."

YEP.THAT'S WHY IT'S SO FUNNY.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THIS IS AWESOME, MAN.

BUT THE THING IS,EVERY STAGE I PERFORM ON,

I FEEL LIKETHEY SHOULD BE REQUIRED

TO HAVE, LIKE, A GUARDRAIL.

THAT WAY,I DON'T JUST WANDER OFF

INTO THE BLINDING LIGHTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS THINKING, THOUGH, THERE'SPROBABLY NOTHING MORE FUNNY

THAN WATCHING A CRIPPLEFALL OFF A STAGE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

LOOK AT SOME OF YOU TRYING TOGET YOUR CAMERA PHONES OUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT IS YouTube GOLD!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO, YOU GUYS SEE THIS BRACELET?

PEOPLE ALWAYS THINKIT'S ONE OF THOSE

Q-RAY MAGNETIC HEALINGBRACELETS.

WHENEVER ANYBODY THINKS THAT,I ALWAYS GO ALONG WITH IT.

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, I WASIN A WHEELCHAIR LAST WEEK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THIS THING'S BEENKICKING SOME ASS, MAN!

[ APPLAUSE ]

"MAN,I BETTER TAKE IT OFF SOON.

DON'T WANT TO GET TOO BETTER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THERE GOES MY GIG, REALLY."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

BOUFFANT!

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

IT'S WEIRD LIVINGWITH A DISABILITY.

ONE THING I'VE ALWAYSHAD TO DEAL WITH

IS CONDESCENDING PEOPLE.

UH, YEAH.

PEOPLE MEAN REALLY WELL.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU,THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME,

WHEN I MEET SOMEBODY, HERE'SHOW IT COMES ACROSS TO ME.

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "H-I-I-I-I-I...

"BU-U-U-DDY!

HOW...ARE...YOU?!"

I'M LIKE, "I-I-I-I-I..."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"...NEED A REACH-AROUND."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, THAT REALLYTHROWS THEM OFF.

"WHAT?!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T WANT THIS RIGHT ARMTO TOUCH ME, OKAY?

YEAH, YOU DON'T KNOWWHERE IT'S BEEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FRANKLY, NEITHER DO I.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BEEN COMING HOME LATE,SMELLING WEIRD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT ACTUALLY DOES THINGSI DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT.

EXAMPLE -- YESTERDAY,I FOUND OUT THAT IT HAS A JOB.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, IT'S AN INTERPRETERFOR THE DEAF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

M-MUST BE CATCHING UP!

YEAH, I THINK IT'S SPANISH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SEE THE ACCENT?

THERE'S A DEAF MEXICAN LADY

LAUGHING HER ASS OFFIN THE BACK, MAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSEI LEARNED ABOUT MY ARM.

UH, WHEN FLYING...

ON A PLANE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

JUST MAKING SURE, MAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

...I'M EITHER REQUIREDTO SIT ON MY OWN HAND

THE ENTIRE FLIGHT,

OR I'M REQUIRED TO BUY THE SEATNEXT TO MINE, AS WELL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"SORRY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YEAH, HE'S WORKING!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"ARE YOU MEXICAN?"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"I KNOW IT TICKLES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"OH, YEAH. I'M SUREIT'S VERY ANNOYING, YEAH.

BEEN BUGGING THE [BLEEP]OUT OF ME FOR 29 YEARS!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOUR TURN! GOOCHIE-GOO!"

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