Wednesday, May 18, 2016

  • 05/18/2016

Kurt Braunohler, Janelle James and Emily Heller list Donald Trump's favorite things, follow Rob Gronkowski's party rules and share #MySummerPlans.

Howler monkey with alopeciaDonald Trump sat down with...

sat down with UGG boot OprahMegyn Kelly

for a roundof rapid-fire questions,

with hard-hitting inquirieslike this one.

Favorite movie.

Citizen Kane.

Favorite book. Other than thebible or The Art of the Deal.

Um, All Quiet on the Western Front.

Oh. Citizen Kane. All Quiet on the Western Front.

Well, now we know Trump'sfavorite hobby is pandering.


I'm sorry, Mr. Trump,

but Citizen Kane isa cheap piece of propaganda

made by a hack film director

about someone'sgreat-grandfather

that I might be marrying soon.

-That is bull (bleep)!-(laughter, applause)

That is...

-(applause and cheering)-I don't support...

That is not...

There's nothing about that filmthat's true!

That's nothing about that(bleep) film that's been true.


I love you, sweetie.

But since choosingthe AFI-proclaimed

greatest movie of all time

as your favorite isa bit unoriginal,

what are some of otherof Trump's favorite things?

Kurt Braunohler, who's Trump'sfavorite individual?

Uh, his favorite individualis the single piece of hair

he crisscrosses across...over his head every day.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, Janelle,what's Trump's favorite car?

Uh, his favorite car ishis butler's back.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-(laughter and groaning)

(Hardwick laughing)

"It's a nice back, and I thinkhe likes when I ride it."


Emily, what is Trump'sfavorite kind of dog?

The onethat's a racist bounty hunter.

HARDWICK:All right. Perfect.

Gronk is good.We love Gronk around here

because he's a sports manyou can make jokes about,

even if you don't know anythingabout sports.

'Cause you don't reallyhave to know anything

about sports to get Gronk.

He seems kind of harmless,right?

Just a lovable NFL starnext door who hates shirts!

He hates 'em! Aah!

Grrr. Maybe he hates Florida.

I don't know.Maybe that's what he hates.

-Nobody wears shirts...-Yeah, he thinks...

he thinks he's gonnaget out of Florida this way.

-I'm gonna get out of here!-Yeah. That's right.

Well, now there'sa fun new article in GQ

detailing Gronk's party rules.

Surprisingly, there's no ruleabout having no rules.

There are a lot of rules here.Rule number three:

"Take off your shirt."We covered that.

Rule six: "Dance on tables."

Rule seven:"Just because everyone wants

"to have sex with youdoesn't mean

you should have sexwith everyone."

-(laughter) -HELLER: I wishI'd known that in college.

-(laughter) -HARDWICK:There was no Gronk then.

-Now he's here to tell you.-Yeah.

Comedians, what aresome other rules to observe

when partying with Gronk?

-Janelle. -Uh, formal wear isa three-popped collar minimum.

-Yeah, all right. All right.-(laughter)

Points. Emily.

Uh, no hanky-panky-- youhave to call it Gronky-ponky.


-(applause)-Mom! Mom!

Come on, Mom!

Mom, just drop me offa block from the mall!

Points. Kurt.

Uh, when feeding Gronk,make sure to hold the food

in the palm of your handand keep your fingers out flat

or else he mightnibble your fingers

-by accident. -Doesn't want tobite the fingers, yeah, yeah.

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause, whistling)

Summer is justaround the corner,

and we got a lotto look forward to.

We got cookouts, we got movies,just a (bleep) ton of pictures

of people's feet at the beachto look at.

I need more beach feet!

There's three more monthsof nothing but beach feet!

So in celebrationof this hot and sweaty season,

tonight's hashtag is#MySummerPlans.

Examples might be: Get a specialfan just for your balls,

or: Snort a line of sunblock.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.


Uh, same as last year--just pee in water parks.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Janelle. -I won't dateany whites after Labor Day.

-All right, points!-(laughter)

Yeah, you'renot supposed to. Kurt.

Uh, nothing special.You know, I'm a comedian.

I don't have a job.

Every day is summer for me!

-All right. Points. Points.-(laughter, whooping, applause)

-Janelle. -Start growing outmy bush for the winter.

(laughter, cheering, shouting)

-Kurt. -Uh, finallytry all this butt stuff

I've been hearing so much about.

-Okay, points.-(laughter)


I think I might try to getmy kids back from that wizard.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Emily. -I'm gonna get backout of shape for Netflix season.

(laughter, applause)


-Kurt.-Uh, I'm gonna gather all, uh,

the acorns and bury themin a specific place

-so I can survive the winter.-Okay, points.

I... think you're talkingabout squirrels. Janelle.

Uh... tan my clit.


Just that part?

-Just tan it?-Yeah. That part.

Are you gonna have,like, one of those little tiny,

like, neck reflectors,like, just, like, down there?

-BRAUNOHLER: All the way down.-Yeah. Yeah.

-Then you're gonna turn it over.-JAMES: European style.

Did you just sayyou got to turn it over?

-Yeah, you got to just turn...-Do you not know what a clit is?



What do you got to turn over?!

Wait a minute.

A clit is, like,seven inches long...


-And it's flip-floppy.-And... and the ovaries

are underneath,and you got to suck on it

to get the lady pregnant, right?

That's right. No, no,you're right, you're right.

Okay, good.Well, I just wanted to make sure

we're all on the same page here.

Science, guys. Science.