Boarding Group One

  • Season 3, Ep 4
  • 10/09/2013

A passenger finds out that he's far from the first to board, and some breakdancers keep it nooice.

- WELCOME BACK.

WE'RE HERE TALKINGWITH ALL-STAR

SHOOTING GUARDCHARLIE SANDERS

ABOUT HIS AMAZING CAREER.

NOW CHARLIE,YOU GREW UP

IN A TOUGH NEIGHBORHOOD,DIDN'T YOU?

- THAT'S RIGHT.DRUGS, VIOLENCE.

MY WHOLE LIFE,I HAD TO DEAL WITH ADVERSITY.

- AND THAT CONTINUEDWHEN YOU WENT ON TO THE PROS?

- THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, FINES,INJURIES, EVERYTHING.

NO MATTERHOW BIG A STAR I AM,

I'M ALWAYS GONNABE DEALING WITH ADVERSITY.

- ADVERSITY JOHNSON,WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON THIS?

- I DON'T KNOW, GIRL.I JUST LIKE [bleep] WITH HIM.

JUST LIKE, EH.- AH!

COME ON, ADVERSITY.

- DEAL WITH ME, DOG![laughs]

[loud slap]- [groans]

- [laughs maniacally]

I SAID,"DEAL WITH ME!"

- ALWAYS.

WHEREVER WE GO, IT'S--

COME ON, NO, DON'T.DON'T DRINK MY WATER.

DON'T DRINK MY WATER.ADVERSITY, LEAVE ME SOME.

LEAVE ME A SIP.LEAVE ME A SIP.

DAMN, COME ON, MAN.

[loud slap]AAH!

- DEAL WITH ME![laughs]

- THIS--HE DOESN'T--I'M SORRY.

NO, HE DOESN'T PICK UPSOCIAL CUES.

WHAT?HERE WE--

[screams]

- DEAL WITH ME!- TITTY TWISTER, TITTY TWISTER.

COME ON.- ARE YOU OKAY?

- NO!

- GOOD MORNING,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WE ARE ABOUTTO BEGIN BOARDING

SOUTH NORTHERN AIRLINESFLIGHT 34 TO GRAND RAPIDS.

- OH, OKAY, I'M--EXCUSE ME.BOARDING GROUP ONE.

I'M IN BOARDING GROUP ONE.EXCUSE ME.

I'M IN BOARDING GROUP ONE.

- AND WE WOULD LIKETO BEGIN PRE-BOARDING

WITH OUR FIRST-CLASSPASSENGERS.

FIRST-CLASS PASSENGERSONLY, PLEASE.

NEXT, OUR BUSINESS-CLASSPASSENGERS MAY NOW BOARD.

OKAY, NOWWE'D LIKE TO WELCOME

OUR REGAL ALLIANCEELITE MEMBERS.

REGAL ALLIANCE ELITEMEMBERS.

OKAY, NOW ALL PASSENGERSWITH CHILDREN.

- OKAY.

- ANYONE WITH SMALL CHILDRENMAY BOARD NOW.

[child fussing]

- OKAY, WE WOULD LIKETO CONTINUE BOARDING

WITH UNIFORMEDMILITARY PERSONNEL.

- WHAT?WHY CAN'T--

THIS IS--THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.

THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR YOUR SERVICE.

GOD BLESS YOU.

- THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.

ALL RIGHT,PEOPLE IN WHEELCHAIRS.

ANY PRIESTS, NUNS,RABBIS, IMAMS.

- WHAT? WHY DO THEYGET SPECIAL TREATMENT?

- AS-SALAAM-ALAIKUM.

- I'VE NEVER--

THAT'S TYPICAL.

- ANY OLD PEOPLE IN WHEELCHAIRSWITH BABIES?

[baby cries]

- DOESN'T SEEMPARTICULARLY--

- ANY OLD, RELIGIOUS PEOPLEWITH MILITARY BABIES?

- WHAT'S A MILITARY--

- THANK YOUFOR YOUR SERVICE.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN.

ANYONE WITH A BLUE SUITCASE,YOU MAY NOW BOARD.

- FINALLY.

- NOPE, NOT YOU, SIR.- NOT ME?

THIS IS A BLUE SUITCASE.

- THAT'S A BLUE COMPUTER BAG.

- SO YOU'RE NOT--YOU'RE NOT GONNA LET ME ON THEN?

- [sips loudly]

- DAMN IT!

DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT,DAMN IT, DAMN IT!

GOD DAMN IT!

- ANYONE WHO DOESN'TSEEM CRANKY.

DRUNK PEOPLE.

WE WILL NOW BE BOARDINGANY DRUNK PEOPLE.

DRUNK PEOPLE.

- [grunts]

ALL RIGHT, IT'S--

NOPE, IT'S MY BAG.

SIR. JUST--

[groans]

[indistinct muttering]

[phone rings]- OOH.

HELLO?

OH, HEY, CHRISTIAN.

YEAH.

TOTALLY.

WELL, YOU HAVE YOUR FAVORITES,AND I HAVE MY FAVORITES.

[laughs]OKAY.

CALL YOU LATER.

CIAO, CIAO.

BOARDING GROUP ONE.

[dramatic music]

[sirens wailing]

[indistinct chatter]

- AND THE FUSELAGE.

- I FOUNDJASON SCHWARTZMAN!

ALL RIGHT,THAT'S EVERYBODY!

LET'S WRAP IT UP, PEOPLE.

- [groans]

BOARDING GROUP ONEOVER HERE!

GOT A BOARDING GROUP ONE.[groans]

- NOICE!

NOICE!

NOICE!

- NOICE!

- NOICE!- NOICE!

- [laughs]

- EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.'SCUSE ME.

'SCUSE ME.'SCUSE ME, 'SCUSE ME.

'SCUSE ME, 'SCUSE ME,'SCUSE ME.

'SCUSE ME,'SCUSE ME, 'SCUSE ME.

- WHAT'S UP, BOY?WHAT'S UP, BOO?

- YO, WHAT YOU DOIN'?- I'M JUST NOICIN' THE NOICE!

- WELL, DON'T.

IT'S MOSTLYABOUT THE DANCERS.

- OH, YEAH.

- BESIDES, YOU KNOW,

I'M KIND OF THE GUYTHAT SAYS, "NOICE!"

- NOICE!- WHA--WHAT HAPPENED?

- NOTHING HAPPENED,I JUST NOICED YOU

BECAUSE YOU STAND UPFOR YOURSELF

AND YOUR PLACEIN THIS DANCE CIRCLE.

- NO, NO.NO "NOICE," OKAY?

"NOICE" IS MY THING.

NO MORE "NOICE" FROM YOU.

'SCUSE ME, 'SCUSE ME,'SCUSE ME.

'SCUSE ME, 'SCUSE ME.

AW...

AW, NOICE!

[cheers and applause]

NOICE?

NOICE?

[sweeping dramatic music]

[exhales]

'SCUSE ME.NOICE!

[panicked]NOICE!

NOICE! NOICE!

NOICE!NOICE!

NOICE!

[lightning crashes]

NOICE.

[dramatic music]

- NOICE.

- NOICE.

- YOU...

NOICE?

- [crying]NOICE.

- [exhales]

- [sighs]

- NOICE.

- NOICE.

- NOICE!

[cries]- NOICE.

NOICE.- NOICE.

- NOICE!

[both crying]

both: NOOOICE!

[both crying]

- NOICE!

- NOICE!

BUT WHEN I GET ANDREIN THE RING, MAN,

IT'S GONNA BE CRUELAND QUICK,

'CAUSE IT'S GONNA BE, LIKE,ONE-TWO, ONE-TWO, BOOM,

AND YOU OUT.

- MAN, [bleep] YOU,CLAUDIUS LEWIS.

I'M GONNA [bleep] YOURIGHT IN THE ASS.

YEAH, I'M GONNABEND YOU OVER

AND [bleep] YOURIGHT IN THE ASS[bleep].

- ALL RIGHT,YOU KNOW WHAT?

ANDRE, HE LIKE TO BE--

TRY TO GET INTOHIS OPPONENTS' HEADS

BY SAYING CRAZY STUFF.

HE AIN'T GONNAGET INTO MY HEAD.

HE AIN'T GONNA GETINTO MY HEAD.

- NO, I'M NOT GONNAGET IN YOUR HEAD.

I'M GONNAGET IN YOUR ASS[bleep]

JUST LIKE I SAID,JUST RIGHT UP IN THERE

IN THAT TINY, LITTLE,MINISCULE ASS[bleep] OF YOURS.

THIS IS WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOUTO A NICE,

HIGH-FANCY,HIGHFALUTIN RESTAURANT,

AND I'M GONNA BUY YOU THINGS,WINE AND DINE YOU.

AND WE'RE GONNA FIND SOME THINGSTHAT WE HAVE IN COMMON,

AND THEY'RE GONNABECOME INSIDE JOKES TO US.

AND THEN, WE'RE JUST GONNALAUGH ABOUT THEM IN THE TAXI

ALL THE WAYTO YOUR HOUSE,

WHERE I'M GONNA [bleep] YOUIN THE ASS.

- OH, OKAY, NOW, JU--

JUST ME P-PERSONALLY,I'VE NEVER--

YOU KNOW,I AIN'T EVER SEEN ANDRE

TAKE IT THAT FAR BEFORE,

BUT--[chuckles]

WHAT--WHATEVER.

- YEAH, WHATEVER.I'LL TELL YOU WHATEVER.

WHATEVER, I'M GONNA FINALLYGONNA FEEL COMFORTABLE

TAKING YOU OUTTO DINNER PARTIES.

AND THEN, ALL OF OUR FRIENDSWHO ARE ALSO COUPLES,

THEY'RE JUSTGONNA LAUGH AT US

'CAUSE WE'RE THAT COUPLETHAT HOLDS HANDS ALL THE TIME.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,CLAUDIUS.

WE LOVE EACH OTHERSO VERY MUCH

THAT NO MATTERHOW TIRED I AM,

NO MATTER HOW MUCH BULL[bleep]I'VE DEALT WITH OVER THE DAY,

I'M JUST GONNALEAVE IT AT THE DOOR

WHEN I [bleep] YOUIN THE ASS.

- OKAY,YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN?

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO STOPALL THAT NONSENSE

RIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT?

DID HE JUST SAY HE WAS GONNATAKE ME TO DINNER PARTIES?

- HE DID SAY"DINNER PARTIES."

- WE'RE GONNA SNUGGLEON THE COUCH EVERY NIGHT.

I'M GONNA LET YOUPICK THE MOVIE,

EVEN THOUGH YOU ALWAYSPICK THE MOVIE.

THEN I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUTFOR A WALK ON THE BEACH,

AND THE MOONLIGHT'SGONNA BOUNCE OFF OF YOUR SCALP.

AND I'M JUST GONNA KISS YOUSO TENDERLY

WHILE THE WAVES BREAK, AND THENRIGHT THERE, RIGHT THEN,

I'M GONNA [bleep] YOUIN THE SANDY ASS[bleep].

- ALL RIGHT, IT'S TIME FOR YOUTO SHUT YOUR FOOL MOUTH!

- IS IT? IS IT TIME?- YES, IT IS TIME.

IT'S TIME FOR YOUTO SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

- WE GONNA SPENDTHE GOLDEN YEARS TOGETHER.

- OH, YEAH?- YEAH.

- OH, YEAH?- YEAH.

I'M GONNA SUPPORT YOUALL THE WAY

THROUGH YOUR RUNTHROUGH CITY COUNCIL.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,AND YOU'RE GONNA BE TIRED,

AND EXHAUSTED,AND OVERWORKED,

BUT WE'RE GONNASTILL FIND THE ENERGY

TO GO ANTIQUING ON THE WEEKENDS.- OH, YEAH?

AND THEN, YOU'RE GONNABE ON YOUR DEATHBED,

AND YOU'RE GONNABE SITTIN' THERE,

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE DYIN'.

AND I'M GONNABE RIGHT BESIDE YOU,

AND I'M GONNA BE CRYIN'.

AND RIGHT AT THAT MOMENTWHEN YOU CROSS OVER

FROM THIS WORLDINTO THE NEXT,

I'M GONNA [bleep] YOUIN THE ASS[bleep].

- OH, MAN,I WISH YOU'D TRY.

- OH, YOU DO?- I WISH THAT YOU WOULD TRY.

- WELL,WISH [bleep]ING GRANTED.

[laughter]

NO, I LOVE THE VILLAGEAS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY,

BUT I'M TELLING YOU,IF WE CONTINUE

TO SELF-SEGREGATE OURSELVES,THE ENTIRE GAY COMMUNITY'S

GONNA CONTINUETO BE "MARGARINE-IZED"

I WAS JUST SAYING THISTO CLAUDIUS THE OTHER NIGHT

RIGHT AFTER I [bleep] HIMIN THE ASS.

- YEAH, HE DID,HE DID.

- ANYWAY, ENOUGH POLITICS.CHEERS, EVERYONE.

- HEY, Y'ALL,FOR REAL, THOUGH,

THIS RIGHT HERE...- YEAH.

- THIS GOES OUTTO ALL OUR FALLEN HOMIES, YO.

COME ON.- HEY, YO, REAL TALK.

- ALL RIGHT?

[liquid splashing]

- I MEAN,

IT JUST SEEMS LIKE A WASTE.

RIGHT?

DOES THAT MAKE ME A [bleep]?

OKAY, I'M A [bleep].OKAY, I'M A [bleep].

I'M SORRY.I'M A BIG OL' [bleep].

- LET'S GO.- I'M S--OKAY, HERE--

FOR OUR HOMIES.

- COME ON, MAN.- POUR OUT YOUR DAMN BEER!

- OKAY, OKAY, FINE, FINE.

GLUG, GLUG, GLUG.GLUG, GLUG, GLUG--

- NO, COME ON, MAN.

HEY, MAN, YOU GOT YOUR THUMBIN THERE, MAN.

YOU NEED TO RESPECTOUR HOMIES.

- JEEZ, OKAY.OKAY, OKAY.

FOR THE HOMIES.

- WHA--- [bleep], A TRASH BEER?

- WHAT? COME ON--HEY, BEER IS BEER!

THE--JEEZ, I CANNOT WINON THIS.

- WHAT?- FINE.

I'M NOT ON BOARD WITH THIS,BUT I'LL DO IT.

[liquid splashing]

- HEY, MAN,WHAT YOU DOIN'?

- OH--OH, REALLY?WHAT, THAT--THAT DON'T COUNT?

- AW, HEY, PUT THAT--THAT'S NOT FOR--

AW, MAN.

- [sighs]

IT'S MORE OF A SYMBOLTHAN A GESTURE.

SOMEBODY BACK ME UP ON THAT.RIGHT?

- HEY, MAN, THAT'SDISRESPECTFUL RIGHT THERE.

YOU JUST DO IT.- FINE.

FINE!I'LL POUR IT OUT!

I'LL WASTETHE DAMN BEER THEN!

[groans]

YOU KNOW, I-I'M J--I'M JUST NOT A WASTER.

YOU KNOW, I SAVE EVERYTHING.MAN, JAMAL KNOWS.

IF HE EAT A PIECE OF PIZZAAND DON'T EAT THE CRUST,

I EAT THE CRUST.

- IF WE DOA DRIVE-BY SHOOTING,

I WILL GO BACKFOR THE SHELL CASES.

NOT TO HIDETHE EVIDENCE,

BUT BECAUSE YOUCAN RECYCLE THOSE.

THEY HAVE VALUE, MAN,JUST LIKE THIS BEER.

I CAN'T WASTE NOTHIN',Y'ALL.

IT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLEFOR ME TO WASTE THIS.

I CAN'T DO IT.

JAMAL, CAN YOU POUR IT OUTFOR ME?

- OH, MAN.COME ON, MAN.

- I MEAN, IT'S NOTGONNA BRING 'EM BACK.

- STUPID.

- IT'S NOTGONNA BRING 'EM BACK.

- [groans]- ALL RIGHT, PARTNER.

TAKE THIS SCUMBAG DOWNTOWN

BEFORE THE MEXICANS FIND HIMAND BLOW HIS ASS AWAY.

- WE'RE GONNAKEEP YOU ALIVE, CHICO.

COMPRENDE?

- [laughs]

[dramatic music]

[sustained]NO!

[crying]

NO!

[bird squawks]

[explosion, bird crows]

WHAT?IS THAT A BIRD?

- HEY! HEY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

- NO.

OH!

OH, I GET IT.

WHEN I SAY "NO,"STUFF BLOWS UP.

[explosion,glass shatters]

COOL.