Monday, November 2, 2015

  • 11/02/2015

Max Silvestri, Eliza Coupe and Dave Hill guess the meaning of "open buring," check out #CelebrityRestaurants and enter an Internet slang spelling bee.

>> RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIALCANDIDATES, SEEN HERE IN WHAT

LOOKS LIKE SOME WEIRD OVERHEADVIEW OF A BAD FUNERAL--

>> THEY'RE ALL --THEY'RE PISSED ABOUT LAST WEEK'S

DEBATE CLAIMING THECNBC MODERATORS WERE BIASED.

REINCE PRIEBUS, WHO IS THE RNCCHAIRMAN,

AND NOT AS HISNAME WOULD SUGGEST A VAMPIRE

FROM A CRAPPY STEPHANIE MEYERSNOVEL, SAID THE DEBATE WAS

CONDUCTED IN "BAD FAITH,"

WHICH COINCIDENTALLY IS MIKEHUCKABEE'S STRIPPER NAME.

>> NOW THEY'RE DEMANDING CHANGESTO SHAPE THE FUTURE DEBATES.

>> HERE WE SEE BEN CARSONFANTASIZING ABOUT TRUMP'S

JUICY BRAIN.SO COMEDIANS,

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE IRATEREPUBLICAN DEBATE DEMANDS?

>> ALL IMMIGRATION DISCUSSIONSMUST START WITH, "I'M NOT RACIST

BUT..."

>> ABSOLUTELY.

MAX.

>> THE CANDIDATES AND MODERATORSGET LOADED GUNS, EXCEPT FOR

TRUMP, BECAUSE HE EVEN HATESSTAND-OFFS THAT ARE MEXICAN.

>> WELL DONE.>> THAT ONE'S A THINKER.

>> I LIKE IT.

>> TURNING TO THE TIGER BEATTODAY, A WOMAN IN NEBRASKA--

THAT'S NEBRASKA, NOT FLORIDA.

THAT WILL MAKE SENSE SOON--

SHE BROKE INTO A ZOO IN THEEARLY MORNING HOURS AND TRIED TO

PET A TIGER.

SPOILER ALERT: SHE GOT TIGERED.

NOW, WHEN JACQUELINE EIDECLIMBED INTO AN ENCLOSURE AND

REACHED INTO THE CAGE, POLICESAID THE TIGER BIT HER, CAUSING,

QUOTE, "SEVERE TRAUMA TOHER HAND."

WELL, NO TIGER [BLEEP],TIGER SHERLOCK.

NOW THIS WOMAN IS NO STRANGER TOBEING ARRESTED. ACCORDING TO

LOCAL NEWS, SHE'S GOT A RAPSHEET AS LONG AS HER ARM, BEFORE

A TIGER BIT IT OFF.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK"

THIS IS LIKE ONE OF THOSE OLDSALLY STRUTHERS COMMERCIALS

FOR A CAREER. "YOU CAN MAJORIN OPEN CONTAINER, SHOPLIFTING,

THIRD DUI, GRAFFITI, DISORDERLYCONDUCT, OPEN BURING."

WAIT. "OPEN BURING"? WHAT THE[BLEEP] IS "OPEN BURING"?

WHAT IS "OPEN BURING,"COMEDIANS? MAX.

>> THAT'S WHEN YOU GET CAUGHTSNEAKING INTO BURING MAN.

>> POINTS.

>> YA.

>> STOP THAT.

>> WHY ARE YOU CALLING ATIMEOUT, DAVE?

>> HE DIDN'T LIKE THAT ONE.

>> I JUST EXPECT MORE FROM MAX,THAT'S ALL.

>> OH, THAT'S A SICK BURR.

>> OH, MAN.

>> THANK YOU.

>> I GET THE ASSIST ON THAT.

>> ELIZA.

>> BURING IS WHAT SLUTTY GIRLSDO OUTSIDE NIGHT CLUBS IN

WINTER.

>> POINTS, POINTS, POINTS.

>> THANK YOU.

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

GUYS YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRYFOR FOOD AND AEROSMITH PUNS?

WELL, GOOD NEWS BECAUSEAEROSMITH DRUMMER, AND I GUESS

FAMOUS PERSON, JOEY KRAMER ISOPENING A NEW RESTAURANT CALLED

THE ROCKIN' & ROASTIN' CAFE ANDRESTAURANT.

THE MENU WILL INCLUDE SUCHAEROSMITH-INSPIRED DISHES AS

"JANIE'S GOT A BUN" AND "LIVIN'ON A WEDGE."

THIS IS JUST THE LATEST IN APROUD TRADITION OF

CELEBRITY EATERIES, LIKE JIMMYBUFFET'S MARGARITAVILLE, DONNIE

AND MARK'S WAHLBURGERS, AND THENOW-DEFUNCT HULK HOGAN'S

PASTAMANIA.

THE '90S WERE A MESS, GUYS.

SO COMEDIANS, IN HONOR OF THISTASTELESS TREND, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS#CELEBRITYRESTAURANTS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: CINNABONJOVI, OR FIONA APPLEBEE'S OR,

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, CARL'SDOWNEY JR.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN. DAVE HILL.

>> JFK-FC.

>> CHICKEN SO GOOD IT MUST BESOME KIND OF A CONSPIRACY.

>> MAX.

>> THE NOTORIOUS BGI FRIDAYS.

>> DAVE HILL.

>> LEBRON JOHN SILVERS.

>> MAX.

>> MARK RUFFALO WILD WINGS.

>> ELIZA.

>> DELI CLARKSON.

>> ELIZA.

>> PAPA JOHNNY DEPP'S.

>> POINTS.

DAVE HILL.

>> BRUCE VA-LUNCH.

[LAUGHING]

>> NO I'M GONNA GIVE YOU POINTSFOR IT. ELIZA.

>> TINA BUFFET?

>> POINTS.

>> BENICIO DEL TACO.

>> POINTS.

DAVE.

>> BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE EATSTREET BAND.

>> VOTE WITH YOUR MOUTHS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY INTERNETZSPELLING BEE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]IN THIS GAME WE ASK RESPECTABLE

ADULT COMEDIANS, SUCHAS YOURSELVES, TO CHANNEL THEIR

INSUFFERABLE MIDDLE SCHOOLSELVES TO SPELL OUT SOME WORDS

THAT GET THE INTERNET ALL TURNT UP. THAT'S T-U-R-N-T U-P.

COMEDIANS, DON'T WORRY: IF YOUDON'T KNOW THE WORD YOU CAN ASK

FOR ITS DEFINITION AND FOR ME TOUSE IT IN A SENTENCE,

SO SAME RULES.

250 POINTS IF YOU SPELL ITCORRECTLY. LET'S DO THIS.

>> ELIZA, "DEEZ NUTS."

>> YA.

YOUR WORD IS "DEEZ NUTS."

>> CAN I ASK?

>> YEAH, WHAT'S UP?

>> CHRIS, CAN YOU USE DEEZ NUTSIN A SENTENCE?

>> IT WOULD BE WEIRD IF SHEASKED.

>> DAVE, DO YOU MIND IF I DEFINE"DEEZ NUTS" FIRST?

>> CAN YOU DEFINE "DEEZ NUTS"?

>> A SARCASTIC EXPRESSION USEDTO CONVEY FRUSTRATION.

>> OKAY.

D-E-Z --COME ON.

>> SORRY.

>> TWO ES?

>> YES.

IT'S NOT DEZ NUTS.

>> I WAS BEING MORE LIKE DEZNUTS.

>> LUCY'S HUSBAND.

>> OR ENGLISH IS YOUR SECONDLANGUAGE.

"YOU LIKE TO TOUCH DEZ NUTS?"

BUT HERE IN AMERICA WE SPEAKAMERICAN IT'S D-DOUBLE E-Z

N-U-T-S.

>> DAVE, THE NEXT WORD WE HAVEIS "THOT."

>> "THOUGHT"? THIS IS A TRICKQUESTION.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF IT IS.

>> CAN YOU SPELL IT MORE ME?

>> SURE.

NO, I CAN'T.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> SEEMS LIKE I SHOULD GET --

>> WHAT'S INTERESTING IS THAT NOKIDS HAVE TRIED THAT BEFORE AT A

SPELLING BEE.

MAYBE IT'S A WEIRD LOOPHOLE.

"YOU GOT US, TIMMY."

>> YEAH, YOU GET ONE QUESTION.IT CAN BE ANY QUESTION.

>> I WILL DEFINE IT FOR YOU.

A TRASHY INDIVIDUAL WITH MORESEX PARTNERS THAN IS CONSIDERED

CULTURALLY ACCEPTABLE.

>> I'VE BEEN A THOT THIS WHOLETIME.

[LAUGHING]>> THOT, T-H-O-T.

>> THAT IS CORRECT.

>> THE KID IS BACK.

>> MAX YOUR NEXT WORD IS "ORLY."

>> O RLY.

O-R-L-Y.

>> THAT'S CORRECT.

WHAT? YOUTUBE COMMENTERS ARESOMETIMES HURTFUL?

O RLY?

>> THIS IS WHEN HARRY JUSTDISCOVERED HIS OWL WAS A LADY.

OH, I GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

ELIZA.

>> YA.

ELIZA, THE NEXT WORD WILL BE"LELE PONS."

>> COME ON.

DEFINE THAT FOR ME.

>> A POPULAR VINE STAR WHOCREATES ART.

[LAUGHING]LELE PONS.

>> OKAY.

L--EA?

>> YOU'RE SAYING A DIPHTHONGNOW.

>> SO "L-E OR A." YOU TELL ME.

>> YES THOSE COULD BE YOURCHOICES. L?"

>> E-L-E.

>> YES.

>> P.

>> YES.

>> O-N.

>> YOU GOT IT.

>> S OR Z.

>> YES, YES.

I WILL GIVE THAT TO YOU. WELLDONE.

>> THAT'S A PERSON.

SHE'S MORE FAMOUS THAN ALL OFUS.

BEFORE THE BREAK I ASKED YOU TOTELL ME WHAT IS COMING UP ON THE

NEXT EPISODE OF "JEB CAN FIXIT."

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

MAX.

>> ON THE NEXT "JEB CAN FIX IT,"JEB BREAKS THE NEWS TO HIS

BROTHER GEORGE THAT SOMEONESTOLE HIS BICYCLE.

GEORGE RETALIATES BYEVAPORATING THE MIDDLE EAST.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> ELIZA.

>> ON THE NEXT "JEB CAN FIXIT"...ISIS.

>> ALRIGHT.

DAVE HILL.

>> ON THE NEXT "JEB CAN FIX IT"IT'S THE BUSH FAMILY'S ANNUAL

9/11 BLOWOUT.

SOMEONE HAS GOTTEN INTOBARBARA'S WORLD FAMOUS

TWIN TOWERS COOKIES.

JEB THINKS IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN ANINSIDE JOB.

>> IT'S TIME FOR, IT WAS THEWORST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE WORST

OF TIMES.

IT'S TIME TO ANGERLY SWIPEEVERYTHING OFF THE NIGHT STAND.

TOMORROW DONALD TRUMP ISRELEASING HIS BOOK "CRIPPLED

AMERICA, HOW TO MAKE AMERICAGREAT AGAIN."

I HAVE TO BE HONEST I HAVEN'TREAD IT YET.

BUT I'M GUESSING ALL THE PAGESLOOK LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHING][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> NOW COMEDIANS SINCE I'M NOTSURE WE WILL ALL READ THIS RIGHT

AWAY, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE OURCLIFFSNOTES AND GIVE US AS MANY

CHAPTERS FROM THIS BOOK AS YOUCAN IN 60 SECONDS AND BEGIN.

>> VIETNAM, PAYING TAXES ANDOTHER THINGS I'VE AVOIDED.

>> WHY I WROTE A BOOK WHEN ALLMY FANS ARE ILLITERATE.

>> POINTS.

>> WHY I HATE ALL IMMIGRANTSEXCEPT MY MOTHER AND MY WIVES.

>> ELIZA.

>> DUMB BROADS WHO THINK I'MCHAUVINISTIC.

>> POINTS. DAVE HILL.

>> FIVE MEXICANS I'M NOT EXACTLYCRAZY ABOUT.

>> POINTS.

ELIZA.

>> PENELOPE CRUZ AND OTHERHISPANICS WHO CAN STAY.

>> DAVE HILL.

>> FIVE THINGS I WOULD USE AMEXICAN FOR IF I ABSOLUTELY HAD

TO.

>> COMB, PRAY, LOVE.

>> FIVE PEOPLE I THOUGHT WEREMEXICAN WHO TURNED OUT TO NOT BE

MEXICAN.

>> POINTS.