Tuesday, February 23, 2016

  • 02/23/2016

Craig Ferguson, Kurt Braunohler and Mary Lynn Rajskub deliver sermons as a muscular Jesus, #UpdateAFairyTale and give secret code names to politicians.

It's Rapid Refresh!

(cheers and applause)

Here are the toptrending trendicles

on the trenternet today.

First up, money problems.Money problems.

Tax season is upon us,

and even little kidsare getting stressed out!

A new study fromthe University of York reports

that a third of eight-year-oldsare concerned about money,

while the other two thirdsare worried

whether or not they're gonnahave to eat broccoli today.

Though, this does explainwhy the IRS has been getting

-all those "I-am-9" forms.-(groaning and laughter)

-(applause)-No, it's too late. No. No.

FERGUSON: That was...that applause there--

that was,"Don't do that again" applause.

-(laughter) -That wasn't"we liked it" applause.

That was, "Please, no more ofthat kind of thing" applause.

HARDWICK:Please, no. I think it was,

-"It's finally over."-FERGUSON: Yeah.

HARDWICK: Personally,I think it's sad that

so many second-gradersare living

tooth-fairy paymentto tooth-fairy payment.

Uh, makes you longfor the good old days

when all kids had to worry aboutwas a sudden nuclear war.

So, comedians, please give me

some financial advice to astressed-out eight-year-old.

-Kurt.-Uh, relax.

This money thing will seem likenot such a big deal

once you start gettinguncontrollable boners in public.

(laughter)

All right, points.

Mary Lynn.

Stop buying castles

and prehistoric skeletons,little Nic Cage.

HARDWICK: All right, points.Craig Ferguson.

Check your father'ssearch history.

(laughter, groaning, applause)

-Points. Yeah.-(applause and cheering)

Oh.

Wow.

Thank you so much, financialadvisor Sir Alec Guinness.

-(laughter) -All right,on to our next topic.

Cat. Check this meowt.

(laughter)

(with Southern accent):Yeah, don't do that again!

-(laughter, applause)-Don't do it again.

Craig Ferguson's right.

Craig Fergusonis absolutely right.

Imgur user tywjust posted a GIF

of his cat performinga weird, amazing feat

so impressive that it deservesa round of appaws.

(laughter and groaning)

-You (bleep) shut up!-(laughter, applause)

-BRAUNOHLER: He... -This is myhouse, and you respect my puns!

-Craig is turning themagainst puns! -Yeah.

They used to love puns!

These are not the punsyou are looking for.

(laughter)

(applause, cheering)

Hundred pointsfor Craig Ferguson for that.

What else does his cat do?

Backflip onto a pileof cucumbers,

or find an interesting wayto use a door?

-Craig Ferguson.-One of those!

-(laughter)-Uh, well...

you're technically accurate.

-Uh, which one?-Uh, I think it probably uses,

uh, uh, an interesting wayto use a door.

'Cause cats are adorablethat way, aren't they?

I'm so lonely!

(laughter)

They are a-door-able.

(laughter)

HARDWICK:Don't listen to him!

Don't listen to him!You're stronger than that!

-(cheering)-Don't... listen to this man!

Stop it! Stop it!

(cheering continues)

Get back!

RAJSKUB: It's the cucumber.It's gonna be the cucumbers.

And now let's goto the prove-out.

(laughter)

FERGUSON:Yeah, it's looking good for me.

Yeah!

-(whooping, applause)-Okay!

-Yeah!-BRAUNOHLER: I don't...

Wait, you guysdon't use doors like that?

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

A pair of researcherspublished findings

in Royal Society Open Science last month

on what they believe to bethe world's oldest fairy tale,

dating back nearly 6,000 years.

It's called"The Smith and the Devil,"

and is, of course, the storyof the deal that was made

to allow Jaden to remain famous.

-(laughter)-So in honor... -FERGUSON: Whoa!

-Meow!-in honor of... Rowr!

-Yeah! Meow!-(applause, cheering)

-(hisses)-Uh-oh.

In honor of the oldestfairy tale known to man,

let's go the other way with itand modernize some fairy tales

with tonight's hashtag#UpdateAFairyTale.

Examples might be:Trumpty-Dumpty...

-um...-(laughter)

Little Red Riding Hoodie,

-and Three Little Pigs, One Cup.-Hello!

-I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock... -(groaning)

(Southern accent):I wanna huff, I wanna puff,

I wanna (bleep) in your cup.

(laughter)

-(applause)-Uh, I'm gonna put...

FERGUSON:Wait, was that...

What was that? What was that?Was that the voice of the wolf?

(Southern accent):That was the voice of the...

I'm just a simple Southern old(bleep)-eatin' wolf over here.

(laughter)

My, oh, my, it is hot today.

It is almost too hotfor (bleep)-eatin',

but I'm gonna do it anyway,'cause...

that's the only thing that givesthis old wolf a boner anymore.

Uh, I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Craig Ferguson. -SleepingBeauty Meets Bill Cosby.

-Points. Oh, (bleep).-(laughter, groaning)

-(applause)-Ah... points.

Mary Lynn.

Um, Grindr and the Three Bears.

-Points!-(laughter)

-CraigyFerg.-Uh, Puss in (bleep)-me Boots.

-Yes. Points.-(laughter)

-Kurt.-Hansel and Hansel.

Points. Kurt.

CinderellaNever Goes to the Ball

Because Upward Mobilityin America's a Mess!

Yes. Points. Mary Lynn.

Little Red Vaping Hood.

-(laughter)-Points. Yes, Mary Lynn.

Mary Had a Little Lambon Her Cheat Day.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Kurt. -Three Little Pigs:Trump, Cruz, Rubio.

Points. Craig.

-The Gluten Free Muffin Man.-Yes. Points.

So, it's time to playSki Bums. Ski Bums.

(cheering)

Good. Limbering up, warming up.

Getting the blood flow there.It's very god.

Ski slopes aremagical winter wonderlands,

with everythingfans of freezing their balls off

could possibly want,from $14 bowls of clam chowder

to nine-hour linesfor chairlifts.

But one thing they don't seemto have is a marketing budget,

which is why so many ads forlocal ski areas are horrendous.

So I'm gonna show you a localcommercial for a ski resort.

For 250 points,give me the slogan, all right?

First up, this vintage 1987 spotfor a very kid-friendly resort.

MAN: One double, five triple chairs,

and friendly staff get you where you want to go.

-WOMAN: On top. -The Summit.

GIRL: Hot dog!

♪ Watch me! Here I go!

-Kurt.-Hot dogs for the kids,

-cocaine for Dad.-All right. Yeah. Points.

-(applause)-He's skiing on it.

-Mary Lynn.-Our hot dog stand

actually doubles as a day care

so you can (bleep)your ski instructor.

-(laughter, applause)-Points.

All right, next up.

This very adult commercialfor the Alps.

(man and woman grunting,gasping, moaning)

(grunting, gasping, moaning,mattress creaking)

(man and womanscreaming and moaning)

Craig.

Two in the Swiss,one in the Alps.

Yes, points.

Next up, an ad

from a stew-happyski resort in Switzerland.

WOMAN:♪ I stand on ground

♪ I've walked before

-That's a big pot of stew, Kurt.-Please...

Please, ski with us,

so next year we afforda moving picture camera.

We are...

We are almostout of our (bleep) stew,

which was consumed by a wolf.

Uh...

Craig Ferguson.

To all of those who died

on the slopes this year...

in memoriam.

All right, points.

And also talking like this.

Yes. It was really justthis one man, Klaus.

I... I do so enjoyeating (bleep). I...

I-I do beg your pardon,I'm a wolf.

I'm a wolf from ancient Britain.

-HARDWICK: Oh, good, it's, uh...-A... And we...

-we eat (bleep) too.-No, it's, uh,

we're playing, uh, countrywolf, (bleep) wolf, come on!

-Oh, yeah. Nice.-Yeah.

He made a pun.He made a pun.

Yeah.

-Mary Lynn.-Oh, who cares about my answer?

Oh, come on.

I'm a (bleep) eating wolf,I (bleep) my pants,

I got a boneris my answer.

-Nailed it. Nailed it.-Point taken. Point taken.

-Yeah.-(chuckles)

I'm a... I-I'm a wolf,

-I put my boner in the potand... -Well...

-...then I add a... a...-Oh...

(Southern accent):Pardon me, madam wolf,

I couldn't helpbut notice you from over there.

I'm also a fellow (bleep) eatingwolf, just like like yourself.

and I would very muchlike to place my boner

in the stew pot.

(English accent): Now, dopardon me, I hate to cut in,

but I'm notfrom around these parts.

I also enjoyeating of the feces.

Don't listen to this cityslicking (bleep) eater

-over here...-Oh, no, I...

...trying to getyour affections.

I, uh...

feel like we're in the middleof a weird improv class

-that I don't know how to getout of. -Yeah, a little bit.

Freeze.All right.

-(whooping, applause)-Uh...

No, stop it, stop it,stop it, stop it!

Before the breakI showed you a picture

of a super ripped Korean Jesus

clearly coming backfrom the gun show.

Uh, and I asked you guysto give me a line

from one of his sermons.Let's see what you came up with.

Craig Ferguson.

I think I needto perform a miracle,

'cause these pythons are sick!

Yeah. Yup.

See, I changed during that,like, started off Jesus

and then it got "guy in a gym".That was my whole conceit

-of the thing, yeah. -That wasthe whole thing, it all worked.

-It worked very well,there was an arc. -He was Jesus

-and then there! -We went on ajourney, it was wonderful.

-Yeah, I went on a journey.-Mary Lynn.

Get thee behind me, Satan,

and spot me and then I will,in turn, spot for you and then

we can soap each other's dicksin the locker room.

Okay! Okay.

HARDWICK:All right.

Kurt Braunohler.

Do others as you would haveothers do you.

Ripped Jesus loves to (bleep).

All right.

As we go to our next game,

Secret Service Code Names.Secret Service Code Names.

The Secret Service has givena code name

to meringue-boned Democraticcandidate Bernie Sanders,

and that name is Intrepid.Intrepid is also the brand name

of Bernie's Canadiandry mouth medication.

Uh, the Secret... He's very old.

The Secret... the Secret Servicehas been doing this for years,

from Ronald Reagan,whose code name was Rawhide,

to George W. Bush,whose code name was Shortbus.

So, comedians, I'm gonna showyou some political figures,

and I want you to give metheir code names.

First up, Vladimir Putin.Vladimir Putin. Craig Ferguson.

Pussy Riot!

(bleep). Points.

Next up, Angela Merkel.Angela Merkel. Kurt.

SpongeBarb SquarePants!

-Yes, points!-All right!

Next up, Kim Jong-un.Kim Jong-un. Mary Lynn.

Kim Kardash-hole.

Points. Oh, so good.

Next up, Ted Cruz.

-Ferguson.-Repulso!

Points.

Next up, Hillary Clinton.

-Hillary Clinton. KurtBraunohler. -Mrs. President!

-Points.-(light whooping, groaning)

-Uh, next...-Wha... -(laughter)

Next up, Martin Shkreli.

-Kurt.-Beelzebub.

Yes, points.

Finally, the Koch brothers.

-Mary Lynn.-Hall and Oates.

Yes, points! Very good.