Nate Fernald describes his terrible week, divulges his various insecurities, shames a rude audience member and does a few impressions.
Um, admittedly, I haven't beenonstage in... kind of a while,
so I hope I remember (laughs)how to do this, but...
It's that one.
I've not been havinga good week.
This is, uh, not a good week.
I got arrested this weekfor the first time in my life.
I had a totally cleancriminal record,
and then I got arrested
for riding my bikewithout a helmet.
Into a bank with a gun,and I guess they don't...
They don't like that.
Another thingthat happened to me this week,
I, uh... I had a totalbrain shart the other day.
You know those?
That's where you think thatyou're gonna have a brain fart,
but then... you have a stroke,and it's, uh...
Yeah, it's not good.
And now...now I'm having trouble
paying my hospital bills.
And I'm reallystarting to regret
buying that hospital, you know?
I didn't need it.I didn't need it.
I also found this out this week.
I found out that snakescan come out of the toilet.
Yeah. Deal with that.
So, now I have a brand-new fear
that I never even knewI had before.
I'll just be sittingon the toilet,
and then a snake will come out,
and turn into a bunch of womenand laugh at my penis.
And they just...
I don't want that.
(quietly):I don't want that.
trying to get in better shapethese days.
I'm going to the gym a lot.
'Cause I'm a cashier at the gym.But I'm also trying to...
Trying to eat better.I'm trying to eat better.
I'm trying to eat more fruit.
I think my favorite fruitsare grapes.
I love grapes. I thinkthat's the best fruit
out of all the fruits.
And I also... I love dates.Dates are great.
They're wonderful,and they're-they're
very underrated fruit.
And I wish thatthere was, like, a juice
that was flavoredafter those two fruits,
but it does not exist.
Probably because you can't sella date grape drink in a store.
It would be...
It'd be weird, you know?
Those words rhymewith other word... Comedy.
But, uh... thank you.
But you know, speaking of,um, I don't know,
like, food and thingspeople might eat...
(air horn blares)
MAN:Another great segue!
(music sting, buzzing,explosions play)
I assume the applauseis for Applebee's. Um...
I love Applebee's. Applebee'sis my favorite restaurant.
Uh, where my Apple boys at?
Oh, right on.
Uh, now,the Applebee's slogan...
The Applebee's sloganused to be...
it used to be
And I think that
that's a very nice slogan.
As long as...
it's coming from...
'Cause like, the other night,
I went intoa kind of fancy steak house.
And they were like,"Um, you belong at Applebee's."
I was like, "Whoa."
Come on, man.
I... You know what, actually,