October 28, 2014 - Michael Lewis

  • 10/28/2014

The government takes the fun out of Halloween, the NRA defeats a bill against pet eating, Gov. Tom Corbett gets caught using Photoshop, and Michael Lewis talks "Liar's Poker."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN!

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT."

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR BEING HERE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND

THE WORLD, MR. AND MRS. AMERICAAND ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA

NATION, THANK YOU SO MUCH FORBEING HERE!

FOLKS, IF YOU CHECK YOURCALENDAR, I HOPE YOU DO, EVERY

DAY, NATION, WE ARE JUST A FEWDAYS AWAY FROM THE MOST HALLOWED

OF ALL EENS, HALLOWEEN.

(LAUGHTER)I'M SO GOOD AT TRICK OR

TREATING.

PRO TIP: CUT OUT THE MIDDLEMAN, GO STRAIGHT TO THE DRUG

STORE, BUY YOUR CANDY.

NOVEMBER 1, IT'S USUALLY ONSALE.

SO I WILL MONSTER MASH ANYONEOUT THERE WHO THREATENS

THIS SACRED PAGAN HOLIDAY.

THIS IS THE WAR ON HALLOWEEN.

(WIND BLOWING, KNOCKING,SCREAMING)

FOLKS, WHEN I'M LOOKING FORPEOPLE ASSAULTING OUR

TRADITIONAL HALLOWEEN VALUES,THE FIRST PLACE I TURN IS

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WEBSITES.

AND I AM NEVER DISAPPOINTED ATHOW DISAPPOINTED I AM.

FOR INSTANCE, THIS YEAR, UNCLESAM IS GOING AFTER MY FAVORITE

PART OF HALLOWEEN: CARVING THEPUMPKIN.

DRIVING A 12-INCH CHEF'S KNIFEINTO A TOUGH-YET-SLIPPERY GOURD

HIDE IS A GREAT WAY TO GET RIDOF ANY EXCESS THUMBS YOU'VE GOT

LAYING AROUND YOUR HAND.

BUT JUST LISTEN TO HOW BIGGOVERNMENT IS TRYING TO CARVE

ITS OWN AGENDA.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT THE OBAMAADMINISTRATION WANTS YOU TO DO,

ACCORDING TO THE DEPARTMENT OFENERGY?

THIS HALLOWEEN, RATHER THANCARVE OUT SOMETHING SCARY OR A

JACK-O'-LANTERN IN THE FACE OFTHAT $45 PUMPKIN YOU BUY, WHY

DON'T YOU DO ONE OF FIVE GREENENERGY DESIGNS LIKE THE C.F.L.

LIGHT BULB OR A WINDMILL OR SOMELEAVES OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

ISN'T THAT A GREAT IDEA?

>> Stephen: NO, IT'S NOT AGREAT IDEA.

IT'S NOT.

THE GLOBAL WARMING AGENDA HAS NOPLACE IN OUR SPOOKY-TIME FUN.

WE DON'T KNOW IF CLIMATE CHANGEIS MANMADE.

I'M NOT EVEN SURE IFFRANKENSTEIN IS MANMADE.

THE MAD SCIENCE ISN'T IN YET!

BESIDES, THE WHOLE REASON WECARVE PUMPKINS ON HALLOWEEN IS

TO PROVE OUR DOMINANCE OVERNATURE.

THAT'S WHY WE STAB A PUMPKIN INTHE FACE AND THEN DISPLAY IT ON

OUR FRONT PORCHES AS A WARNINGTO THE OTHER VEGETABLES.

HERE'S A MESSAGE FOR YOURBUDDIES BACK ON THE FARM!

YOU TELL THAT SQUASH I'M COMINGFOR HIM WITH NUTMEG AND CHICKEN

STOCK!

I WILL MAKE HIS LIFE A LIVINGSOUP!

AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY FLAMINGBAG OF GOVERNMENT THEY'RE

LEAVING ON OUR FRONT PORCH.EVIDENTLY,

THE FDA'S WEBSITE DEMANDS THAT,BEFORE GOING BOBBING FOR APPLES,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO REDUCE THENUMBER OF BACTERIA THAT MIGHT

BE PRESENT ON APPLES BYTHOROUGHLY RINSING THEM UNDER

COOL RUNNING WATER. GREAT TIP.

YOU ALWAYS WANT TO MAKE SUREYOUR APPLES ARE SPARKLINGLY

CLEAN BEFORE DROPPING THEM INTOA LUKEWARM CESSPOOL OF TODDLER

TODDLER SNOT.

THAT'S WHY I CALL IT "BOBBINGFOR PINK EYE"

HUGE CONJUNCTIVITUS FANS HERETONIGHT.

AND THE NANNY STATE GOONS WON'TEVEN LET US ENJOY OUR SWEET

MEATS BECAUSE MANY HALLOWEENCANDIES CONTAIN PALM OIL, AND

THE THUGS AT THE DEPARTMENTOF FISH AND WILDLIFE ARE

NOW DEMANDING THAT WE READ OURLABELS!

PALM OIL PLANTATIONS ARECONTRIBUTING TO ANIMAL HABITAT

LOSS AROUND THE WORLD.

OH, I HAVE SUCH HAPPY CHILDHOODMEMORIES OF RUSHING HOME TO

"READ" MY CANDY.

BESIDES, THE BEST PART OF CANDYIS HARM TO ANIMAL HABITATS

AND CANDY COMPANIES KNOW THIS,THAT'S WHY THEY PROMOTE THEIR

INGREDIENTS RIGHT ON THE LABEL.

FOR PETE'S SAKE, KIT KATS AREMADE FROM GROUND-UP KITTENS, AND

KATTENS.

(APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: DELICIOUS!

CRUNCHY!

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE CRUNCHY!

GIVE ME A BREAK.

OF COURSE, THE KITTEN CODDLERSOUT THERE DON'T WANT YOU TO EAT

YOUR PETS.

THAT'S ILLEGAL, THEY SAY.

WELL, NOT EVERYWHERE BECAUSE YOUCAN HAVE A DOG FOR DINNER IN

PENNSYLVANIA, THANKS TO THEN.R.A.

(BOOING) NO, IT'S TRUE.

THAT WAS SPOOKY, THOUGH.

TO FIND OUT HOW THIS WHOLE THINGSTARTED, LET'S GO TO WPVI,

PENNSYLVANIA'S NEWS LEADER.

>> THIS WHOLE THING STARTEDAFTER A SMALL NUMBER OF BUTCHER

SHOPS ACROSS PENNSYLVANIASTARTED SELLING DOG AND CAT

MEAT.

IN RESPONSE, HOUSE BILL 1750DESIGNED TO OUTLAW THE HUMAN

CONSUMPTION OF COMMON HOUSEHOLDPETS WAS QUICKLY PUT TOGETHER.

>> THE N.R.A.-OPPOSED BILL NEVERGOT VOTED ON.

>> THE DAY WILL GO THE N.R.A.'SWAY.

>> Stephen: WOO!

WE DID IT!

IT IS STILL LEGAL INPENNSYLVANIA TO SERVE CAT AND

DOG MEAT.

SO YOU'RE SAFE FOR NOW, WHITECASTLE.

(APPLAUSE)NOW, I DON'T ALWAYS AGREE WITH

THE N.R.A., BUT I DO.

ESPECIALLY ABOUT WHY THIS BILLHAD TO DIE.

>> WHEN THE MEASURE WENT TO THESTATE SENATE, AN AMENDMENT WAS

ADDED CALLING FOR A BAN ON LIVEPIGEON SHOOTS IN PENNSYLVANIA AS

WELL.

THAT ATTRACTED CRITICS FROM THENATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION.

>> Stephen: NOW I REALIZE THATSHOOTING A PIGEON ON THE GROUND

MIGHT SEEM LIKE SHOOTING FISH INA BARREL, BUT THERE'S A BIG

DIFFERENCE.

FISH DON'T SCREAM.

ACCORDING TO THE N.R.A.'SWEBSITE, BANNING THE

TIME-HONORED TRADITION OFSHOOTING CAPTIVE PIGEONS MIGHT

BEGIN THE SLIDE DOWN A SLIPPERYSLOPE, AND THE NEXT STOP WILL BE

REGULATED SHOOTING GROUNDS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEIR RIGHTTO KILL BIRDS, THE N.R.A.

DEFEATED THIS ANTI-PET-EATINGBILL.

IT'S A HARD BUT NOBLE SACRIFICE.

THE DOGS AND CATS HAVE TO DIE,IN ORDER THAT THE PIGEONS MAY

ALSO DIE.

NOW FOLKS, I DON'T EXPRESSLYCONDONE THE EATING OF PETS.

SURE, YOU MAY SAY, "STEPHEN,WHAT ABOUT YOUR ENDORSEMENT OF

THE POPULAR CHINESE BRAND OFHIGH-END CAT MEAT STEW, "COLONEL

TUXEDO'S HAPPY JOY POWER CATWITH EATING"?

REMEMBER OUR MOTTO: "RELIABLESTING OF PLEASURE!

TRUSTWORTHY OF LUNCH"!

WELL, I WOULD SAY, GREG, ISTOPPED SELLING THIS PRODUCT

A LONG TIME AGO.

NOW I ONLY DONATE IT TO SCHOOLS.

HAD TO GET RID OF THE STOCK.

THE CANS WERE SWELLING.

BUT SINCE THE N.R.A. WENT TO SOMUCH TROUBLE, I SHOWED MY

SUPPORT BY ORDERING N.R.A.

C.E.O. "WAYNE LAPIERRE'S 101RECIPES FOR YOUR HOUSEHOLD PET."

DON'T THESE SOUND DELICIOUS?

A BEAGLE WITH CREAM CHEESE,GERMAN SHEPHERD'S PIE, OYSTERS

ON THE HALF SHELTIE, AND CHICKENPOODLE SOUP.

IT'S MM-MMM GOOD BOY!

OF COURSE, THE THE MIDTERMSARE NEXT WEEK IN PENNSYLVANIA,

AND ONE CAN ONLY IMAGINEHOW EATING-FIDO-GATE WILL AFFECT

THE RACE BETWEEN PENNSYLVANIAGOVERNOR AND HIGH SCHOOL

PRINCIPAL WHO'S GOING TO LETTHIS GO "JUST ONCE,"

TOM CORBETT, AND DEMOCRATCHALLENGER AND GUY WHO

WOULD "LOVE" TO SHOW YOU HISDULCIMER PIANO, TOM WOLF.

I HAVE BEEN WATCHING THIS RACECLOSELY, EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN SEE

THE GAP IN THE POLLS FROM SPACEBECAUSE WOLF IS BEATING CORBETT

BY 17 POINTS.

CORBETT HAS ESPECIALLY FAILED TOATTRACT MINORITIES, WITH A

RECENT POLL PUTTING HISNON-WHITE SUPPORT AT 9%.

THE ONLY THING KEEPING CORBETTAFLOAT IS HIS ROCK-SOLID SUPPORT

AMONGST ALBINO HEDGEHOGS.

I DON'T GET IT.

THERE IS AMPLE EVIDENCE THATBLACK PEOPLE LOVE TOM CORBETT.

LOOK AT THIS PHOTO ON HISWEBSITE.

SHOWING HIM INCHES FROM A BLACKWOMAN WHO COULDN'T BE HAPPIER

ABOUT IT.

BUT, OF COURSE, THE LIBERALMEDIA ARE TRYING TO RUIN HIS

BEAUTIFUL MOMENT OF RACIALHARMONY.

>> GOVERNOR TOM CORBETT'SCAMPAIGN GOES ON THE DEFENSE

AFTER ACCUSATIONS IT PHOTOSHOPEDAN IMAGE ON CORBETT'S WEBSITE

TO MAKE IT LOOK MORE DIVERSE.

THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMANSMILING THERE IN THE BACKGROUND

OF THE GROUP IS A STOCK IMAGEADDED BY THE CAMPAIGN.

THE WEB SITE BuzzFeed WASFIRST TO REPORT THIS.

>> Stephen: LEAVE IT TOBuzzFeed BUZZ KILLS TO BLOW

SOMETHING OUT OF PHOTOSHOPPEDPROPORTION.

CORBETT DID THIS WOMAN A FAVOR.BEFORE HE PASTED HER

INTO HIS VERY OWN RAINBOWCOALITION, SHE WAS OVER

ON SHUTTERSTOCK STUCK IN ABORING MEETING WITH A FINANCIAL

ADVISOR.

C'MON, NO RETIREMENT PLAN ISTHAT MUCH FUN.

FORTUNATELY, THE CORBETTCAMPAIGN ISN'T BACKING DOWN.

>> THE CORBETT CAMPAIGNRESPONDED BY SAYING THE ENTIRE

IMAGE IS PHOTOSHOPPED TO MAKE ITLOOK LIKE CORBETT WAS TALKING

WITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE.

ALL WEBSITES USE GRAPHICS.

THE GRAPHIC REPRESENTS GOVERNORCORBETT'S WIDESPREAD SUPPORT

ACROSS PENNSYLVANIA.

>> Stephen: SEE?

THEY'RE NOT PRETENDING BLACKWOMEN LIKE HIM.

THEY'RE PRETENDING ANYONE LIKESHIM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WE LOVE YOU TOM!

AND THEY'RE BEING MODEST HERE.

AS LONG AS THEY'RE PHOTOSHOPINGIN SUPPORTERS, THERE ARE ALL

KINDS OF IMPORTANT PENNSYLVANIACONSTITUENTS THEY LEFT OUT, LIKE

THE AMISH, PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL,THE PHILLY FANATIC, AND BEN

FRANKLIN HUMPING A CHEESE STEAK.

FOR THAT MATTER, I'M SURECORBETT WOULD BEAT TOM WOLF IF

HE LOST THE BLACK WOMAN ANDADDED TOM WOLF.

POINT IS, SOMETIMES TO APPEAL TOA DIVERSE DEMOGRAPHIC, REALITY

NEEDS A LITTLE BOOST.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MY AUDIENCE?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY. NATION, IF YOU KNOWME, YOU KNOW I LOVE SPORT.

I ALSO LOVE PRETENDING THAT ILOVE THINGS THAT I DON'T.

THIS IS THE SPORT REPORT!

FOLKS, IT'S NO SECRET THE N.F.L.

HAS BEEN PLAGUED BY CONTROVERSY.

THERE ARE GROWING CONCERNS OVERTHE SAFETY OF FOOTBALL PLAYERS,

AS WELL AS THE SAFETY OF PEOPLEWHO KNOW FOOTBALL PLAYERS.

SO I WAS HAPPY TO HEAR ABOUT ANEW ALTERNATIVE TO FOOTBALL --

MORE FOOTBALL.

>> FXFL IS HERE.

THREE MAJOR CITIES, NEW YORK,BOSTON, OMAHA.

AS SOME OF THE BEST TALENT INTHE COUNTRY IS ON CENTER STAGE,

LOOKING TO KEEP THEIR PROFOOTBALL DREAMS ALIVE.

>> YOUR HEART BEATS TOGETHER ASONE!

>> WE'LL SEE YOU AT THE GAME.

>> Stephen: YES, THE FXFL,WHICH STANDS FOR "FALL

EXPERIMENTAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE,"AND IT'S COMPRISED PRIMARILY OF

PLAYERS RELEASED DURING OR AFTERTHE N.F.L. PRE-SEASON.

PERFECT!

HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU WATCHED ACOLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME AND SAID,

I WISH THE PLAYERS WERE BETTER.

THEN WATCHED AN N.F.L. GAME ANDSAID, NO, NOT THIS GOOD.

SWEET SPOT. THE FXFL HAS FOURTEAMS, THE

OMAHA MAMMOTHS, THE BROOKLYNBOLTS, THE BOSTON BRAWLERS, AND

IF YOU DON'T LIVE IN ONE OFTHOSE CITIES, YOU CAN ROOT FOR

THE BLACKTIPS...

BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A HOMECITY AND ARE, INSTEAD, "A ROVING

ALL-STAR TEAM THAT WILL PLAY ALLITS GAMES ON THE ROAD."

THEY'RE SORT OF LIKE THE HARLEMGLOBETROTTERS, EXCEPT THE

GLOBETROTTERS ARE BETTER ATFOOTBALL.

AND THE FXFL WILL PROVIDE AVIABLE PLATFORM FOR MARGINAL

PLAYERS TO RECEIVE LIVETRAINING, ULTIMATELY GIVING THE

N.F.L. TEAMS BETTER-PREPAREDIN-SEASON ROSTER REPLACEMENTS.

AND THE LEAGUE HOPES THAT 25 TO30% OF FXFL PLAYERS RETURN TO

THE N.F.L. THIS FALL.

GREAT SELLING POINT.

WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO WATCH ASPORT WHERE, WEEK BY WEEK, ALL

THE GOOD PLAYERS LEAVE?

AND THE COMPETITION WILL BEFIERCE BECAUSE THE SEASON'S ONLY

SIX WEEKS, WITH GAMES ONWEDNESDAY NIGHTS.

WHICH IS PERFECT AGAIN BECAUSEWEDNESDAY IS THE NIGHT I START

THE PROCESS OF LOOKING INSIDEMYSELF AND TRY TO HONESTLY

ASCERTAIN MY READINESS FOR SOMEFOOTBALL!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,

NATION -- ANOTHER NEW FOOTBALLLEAGUE?

WE'VE ALREADY HAD THE USFL, THEUFL, THE NFL EUROPE AND THE XFL.

AND ALL OF THOSE LEAGUES FAILED,BUT THE FXFL WILL BE DIFFERENT

BECAUSE THEY ADDED AN "F," THELETTER SYNONYMOUS WITH SUCCESS!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY!

MY GUEST IS THE ACCLAIMED AUTHOROF "FLASH BOYS," "THE BLIND

SIDE," AND "THE BIG SHORT."

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHATADJECTIVE AND NOUN HE PAIRS

NEXT.

PLEASE WELCOME MICHAEL LEWIS! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HEY, MICHAEL!

GOOD TO SEE YOU!

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU!

>> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW WEWERE DRESSING FOR BOCA RATON

TONIGHT(LAUGHTER)

YOU LOOK SO SUMMERY, I WANT TOHAVE A GIN AND TONIC SITTING

ACROSS FROM THAT OUTFIT.

>> I'M JUST TRYING TO PUT YOUAT YOUR EASE.

>> Stephen: I'M TOTALLY AT EASE.

>>YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE TENSE

>> Stephen: YOU'RE A FRIEND OFTHE SHOW,

THIS IS YOUR FOURTH TIME BACK.THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

>> MY PLEASURE.

>> Stephen: EVERYBODY WHOWATCHES THE SHOW KNOWS YOU'RE

THE AUTHOR OF FLASH BOYS, THEBIG SHORT, THE BLIND SIDE,

MONEY BALL, AMONG MANY OTHERS,ALL BEST SELLERS

AND YOU'RE HERE TONIGHT TO TALKABOUT

SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL, THE25th ANNIVERSARY OF YOUR FIRST

BOOK "LIAR'S POKER: RISINGTHROUGH THE WRECKAGE ON

WALL STREET."

WHAT HAS CHANGED 25 YEARS LATERABOUT WHAT WE NEED TO REMEMBER

ABOUT THE GO-GO '80s.

YOU KNOW, REAGAN, MORNING INAMERICA, DEFEATING THE EVIL

EMPIRE, BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY,YOU KNOW, MASTERS OF THE

UNIVERSE.

>> YES.

SO YOUR QUESTION IS?

>> Stephen: WHAT HAS CHANGEDON WALL STREET OR HAS ANYTHING

CHANGED?

>> NOT MUCH.

I TELL YOU WHAT'S CHANGED, IT'SGOTTEN MUCH BETTER AT DISGUISING

WHAT IT'S DOING, AND IT'S HARDERTO UNDERSTAND IT FROM THE

OUTSIDE THAN IT WAS.

>> Stephen: COMPUTERS DO A LOTOF THE TRADING NOW, DON'T THEY?

>> YES, IN THE STOCK MARKET, ALLOF IT.

>> Stephen: DO THEY DO MOST OFTHE COCAINE, TOO?

(APPLAUSE)>> JUST THE STRIPPERS.

>> Stephen: YEAH, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU HAVE A VERY, LIKE, JAUNDICEDVIEW OF WALL STREET.

YOU WORKED THERE -->> I DON'T THINK I HAVE A

JAUNDICED VIEW.

>> Stephen: YOU DON'T?

NO, I HAVE -- WELL, WHEN IWORKED THERE, I HAD KIND OF A

LOVING VIEW OF IT.

>> Stephen: THEN WHY DID YOULEAVE, BABY?

COULDN'T RUN WITH THE BIG DOGS?

WHY DID YOU GET OUT?

TOO HOT FOR YOU?

WHY DID YOU LEAVE?

>> I THINK I WASN'T VERY GOOD ATIT, TO START WITH.

>> Stephen: YOU PUT YOURSELFIN THE POSITION OF ANALYZING,

CRITICIZING IT.

>> WRITING A STORY ABOUT IT MORETHAN ANYTHING.

>> Stephen: C'MON, MAN THIS ISAN INDICTMENT OF WALL STREET.

>> NO, ACTUALLY I THINK THE BIGSHORT AND FLASH BOYS

ARE INDICTMENTS OF WALL STREET.

>> Stephen: I HAVEN'T READ ANYOF THEM

>> IT'S AMAZING, YOU WOULD HAVEDONE VERY WELL

ON WALL STREET BECAUSE YOU HAVETHE CENTRAL QUALITY OF A

WALL STREET PERSON.

>> Stephen: BALLS.

(APPLAUSE)WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED?

IS THERE SOMETHING ELSE YOUNEED?

>> YOU'RE OFTEN WRONG BUT SELDOMIN DOUBT.

>> Stephen: I MAY BE FACTUALLYINACCURATE BUT I GET TO THE

HEART OF WHAT FELT RIGHT.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, AND YOU'RETOTALLY SURE OF YOURSELF.

>> Stephen: I'M ALL IN ALL THETIME. BALLS TO THE WALL,

MY FRIEND!

>>THAT'S RIGHT, SO EVEN THOUGHYOU HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK,

YOU HAVE A VERY CLEAR OPINION OFIT.

>> Stephen: YOUR ELIZABETHWARRENS OUT THERE SAY THE STOCK

MARKET IS RIGGED.

>> I SAID IT FIRST.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

FLASH BOYS IS ABOUT THIS.

I THINK THE STOCK MARKET ISRIGGED.

IT'S A VERY WEIRD MARKET.COMPUTERS ARE DOING THE TRADING

BUT SOME PEOPLE'S COMPUTERS GETTO SEE THE PRICES BEFORE OTHERS,

PEOPLE'S COMPUTERS AND YOURCOMPUTER SEES THE PRICES

LAST.

>> Stephen: HOW DO I GET ONEOF THOSE OTHER COMPUTERS?

>> IT TAKES A LOT OF MONEY ANDYOU NEED TO KNOW PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: DOES ANYBODY KNOWHOW WALL STREET WORKS?

DOES ANYBODY KNOW?

BECAUSE I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

I LOOK AT, LIKE, THE NEWS --THIS IS MY SYMBOL FOR NEWS.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: I LOOK AT ALL THENEWS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

THE DOW IS AT 17,005. THAT'SWHAT IT CLOSED AT TODAY.

17,005 DOW POINTS, DOW LINKS.WHATEVER THOSE ARE.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF WHATEVERTHOSE ARE.

IS THAT GOOD FOR ME THAT IT ISTHERE AT 17-5?

>> DO YOU OWN SOME OF IT?

>> Stephen: I THINK SO.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S A VERYNICE THING.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

YEAH!

>> Stephen: AREN'T I GETTINGRIPPED OFF BY THE GUYS WHO GET

THERE FIRST?

>> YEAH BUT WHEN YOU TRADE INTHE MARKET, IT'S PENNIES. THE

BEAUTY OF THE RIGGING IS YOUDON'T FEEL IT MUCH IF YOU'RE

JUST AN ORDINARY PERSON.

>> Stephen: REALLY? SO THEY'RESHAVING THE SKIN OFF MY BACK,

SO LITTLE THAT I FEEL LIKE IT'SJUST DERMABRASION?

>> IT'S LIKE A PARTIAL ENEMA.

>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE A PARTIALENEMA?

YEAH.

>> Stephen: JUST ENOUGH!

IT JUST FEELS CLEANSING!

>> Stephen: WOW!

LITERALLY, THAT MEANS THEY'RELITERALLY DOUCHE BAGS.

(APPLAUSE)I HAVE AN IDEA.

DO YOU WANT TO PLAY LIARS POKER?

>> SURE. WHAT ARE WE -->> Stephen: HERE WE GO.

SO YOU LIE TO EACH OTHER ABOUTHOW MANY NUMBERS YOU HAVE

IN THE SERIAL NUMBERS ON A BILL,UNTIL YOU CALL THE OTHER PERSON

DO YOU WANT TO START OR ME?

>> I HAVE A COUPLE OF QUESTIONSFIRST

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BILL?

>> Stephen: I HAVE NEVER SEENTHIS BILL.

YOU SWEAR?

>> Stephen: YEAH.

YOU WANT TO BET ANYTHING? WHATDO YOU WANT TO BET?

>> WE SHOULD RAISE THE STAKES.

>> Stephen: $10 MILLION. NOTEARS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> I WAS THINKING IF WE'REGOING TO DO THIS --

>> Stephen: LET'S DO THIS[BLEEP], MICHAEL.

>> HOW ABOUT $1,000 TO THECHARITY OF YOUR CHOICE?

>> Stephen: $1,000 TO THECHARITY OF OUR CHOICE, OK

(APPLAUSE)>> DO YOU WANT TO START?

>> Stephen: I'LL START, SURE.

I'LL SAY THERE'S THREE 2s.

>> THREE 9s.

>> Stephen: MAN, YOU JUMPEDIT.

YOU JUMPED IT. I'LL CALL YOU ONTHAT.

>> I GOT ONE.

>> Stephen: I GOT NONE.

$1,000!

MICHAEL LEWIS!

>> I TOLD YOU!

>> Stephen: WHAT?

>> I TOLD YOU I WASN'T ANY GOODAT IT!

THAT'S WHY I LEFT.

I SUCK!

>> Stephen: YOU ENJOY CUTTINGTHAT CHECK TO THE N.R.A., MY

FRIEND!

MICHAEL LEWIS, "LIAR'S POKER"!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THEREPORT," EVERYBODY!

GOOD NIGHT!