Hawkins, Meneve, Ravin, Kennedy

  • Season 4, Ep 0403
  • 01/13/2001

Robert Hawkins explains the difference between cuddling and snuggling, Marta Ravin goes on a kissing spree in Italy, and Russ Meneve rehashes some terrifying blind dates.

LET ME HEAR YOU!

COOL!

HEY, HOW ABOUT A HAND FOR TUULI?

TUULI IN THE HOUSE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YES!

WHAT A TREAT.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE Y'ALL.

WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL

TREAT!

(LAUGHTER)

ANYONE HERE GOT A TATTOO?

WHERE ARE YA?

EVERYBODY'S GOT 'EM.

(AUDIENCE YELLING)

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT--

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT, MA'AM?

>> WOMAN: A FAIRY.

>> HARLAND: A FAIRY?

WOW.

WHY DO YOU HAVE A FAIRY, MA'AM?

>> WOMAN: 'CAUSE I LIKE 'EM.

>> HARLAND: YOU LIKE FAIRIES.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN FAIRIES?

DO YA?

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A FAIRY?

YOU SHOULD MEET MY DAD.

(LAUGHTER)

SPEAKING OF MY DAD, MY DAD GOT A

TATTOO, MAN.

HE'S 67 YEARS OLD.

HE GOES OUT AND GETS A TATTOO.

BUT HE WANTED ONE OF THESE

INTERACTIVE TATTOOS.

YOU'VE SEEN 'EM: THE GUYS THAT

GET THE HOOLA GIRLS ON THEIR

STOMACHS THAT MAKE 'EM WIGGLE

AND SHAKE.

MY DAD WANTED SOMETHING

INTERACTIVE, BUT HE WANTED

SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE

ORIGINAL, SO HE WENT OUT AND HE

GOT A TATTOO OF A LOG RIDE

FROM A THEME PARK ON HIS ASS.

(LAUGHTER)

HE SAYS EVERY TIME HE TAKES A

CRAP, HE FEELS LIKE A KID AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> ROBERT: HEY, MAN.

WHAT'S UP?

I STARTED WORKING OUT AGAIN.

EVERYONE AGREE, YOU START SLOWLY

WHEN YOU WORK OUT, BUILD UP?

THAT'S WHY THE FIRST COUPLE OF

MONTHS I DON'T DO ANYTHING.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I'LL TELL YA SOMETHING.

I FEEL GOOD.

THIS IS WORKING OUT.

A FRIEND OF MINE TOLD ME I LOOK

LIKE THE KIND OF GUY THAT WOULD

WALK INTO A BAR AND PICK A

FIGHT.

NOW, IN THIS BUSINESS, IT'S GOOD

TO KNOW HOW PEOPLE SEE YOU.

IT'S USEFUL INFORMATION.

BUT THE IRONY IS, THAT'S NOT HOW

I FEEL INSIDE.

INSIDE I'M JUST A LOVABLE GUY

WHO WANTS TO TELL G-RATED JOKES,

AMUSE PEOPLE, AND HAVE SOME FUN.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHY I DO COMEDY.

IT'S MY WAY OF SAYING,

"HEY, JUDGE ME BY MY JOKES,

NOT MY FACE."

(LAUGHTER)

HERE'S ONE: I DISCOVERED

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CUDDLING

AND SNUGGLING.

WHEN YOU HOLD SOMEBODY CLOSE,

YOU'RE CUDDLING.

NOW, TO CROSS OVER TO SNUGGLING,

YOU GOT TO THROW THAT HEAD THING

IN THERE.

HEY, THAT'S ME.

(LAUGHTER)

CUDDLE, SNUGGLE.

HAVE FUN.

THAT'S ME.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YOU GOT TO HAVE FUN.

I ALWAYS CARRY A GUITAR PICK

IN MY CHANGE, SO WHEN I GO TO

THE STORE, ALL THE CASHIERS

THINK I PLAY GUITAR.

HA-HA.

(LAUGHTER)

HOW MUCH?

$1.07?

WELL, I GOT THAT 7.

I GOT THAT 7.

1, 2...

IT'S EASIER THAN LEARNING HOW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> AUDIENCE MEMBER: WHOO!

WHO-WHO!

>> ROBERT: I WISH I COULD FIND

SOME OF THOSE BIRDS THAT YOU

PUT ON THE EDGE OF A GLASS,

FROM MY CHILDHOOD.

LITTLE PLASTIC BIRD, WORE A HAT

AND YOU PUT ON THE EDGE OF THE

GLASS AND IT JUST DRANK...

ALL DAY LONG.

AND I CAN'T FIND THEM ANYWHERE.

I FEEL LIKE A REAL IDIOT ASKING

FOR THEM IN A STORE, TOO.

"HEY, MAN.

YOU GOT ANY OF THOSE BIRDS?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

(LAUGHTER)

THEY JUST DRINK ALL DAY.

YOU SURE?

LOOK AGAIN.

MAYBE IN THE BACK.

(LAUGHTER)

HEY, DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THOSE

DUCKS?"

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

HUH?

WHATEVER.

I'M ABOUT THE FUN.

YOU GOT TO ENJOY YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU JUST

ACT NATURAL, YOU CAN SWIM IN ANY

HOTEL POOL ANYWHERE FOR A HALF

HOUR.

(LAUGHTER)

THE WORLD IS YOURS.

YOU GOT TO BE COOL.

SOMEONE YELLS "MARCO," YOU YELL

"POLO."

GET IN THE GAME.

IF THEY KICK YOU OUT, GRAB YOUR

NEW TOWEL AND LEAVE PEACEFULLY,

NOW.

WE DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE HATE AND

VIOLENCE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I TRY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

AND THEN I GO OUTSIDE.

I GET SO ANGRY.

YOU KNOW WHO I HATE THE MOST?

OTHERS.

(LAUGHTER)

I NARROWED IT DOWN TO THAT

GROUP: EVERYONE BUT ME.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

PEOPLE WHO SMACK AFTER EVERY

SENTENCE.

"WELL, WE DROVE DOWN TO CABO--

(SMACKS)-- AND WE WERE GETTING

SOME GAS-- (SMACKS)-- AND

FREDDIE'S STILL WORKING THERE.

HE BOUGHT ME A CAR FOR MY

BIRTHDAY.

HE'S A GREAT GUY.

(SMACKS)

AND IT STARTED RAINING ON

FRIDAY.

AND WE HAD TO GET A-- (SMACKS)--

WITH A SIDE ORDER OF--

(SMACKING) THEN WE DECIDED--

(SMACKING)...

AND WHAT'S IN YOUR MOUTH?

HMM?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WOULD LOVE TO PULL UP TO A

CROSSWALK, WAVE THE PEOPLE ON,

AND RAM THEM ANYWAY.

THAT WOULD JUST MAKE MY ENTIRE

LIFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

JUST PULL UP TO 'EM.

"HEY, GO AHEAD.

NO.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LISTENED.

THAT'S A BAD CALL.

BAD CALL."

(LAUGHTER)

NEXT TIME YOU'RE AT THE STORE

WALKING IN THE FRONT DOOR.

THERE'S SOMEONE BEHIND YOU,

SO YOU HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR

THEM.

THEY CAN GET THROUGH, TOO.

AND THEY WALK BY LIKE IT WAS A

GIVEN, LIKE YOU'RE THEIR PUNK.

REACH IN, GRAB THEM BY THE HAIR,

AND YANK THEM RIGHT BACK OUTSIDE

AGAIN.

"LOOK AT YOU, NOW, CHUMP.

YEAH!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"YOU HAD A CHANCE.

GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU'RE NOT SHOPPING, ARE YOU?

HMM.

WEIRD.

YOU GUYS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT.

SEE YOU LATER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> RUSS: KEEP IT GOING FOR 'EM,

LOS ANGELES.

LET 'EM HEAR IT, HUH?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS GREAT.

I'M ALL EXCITED TODAY.

I JUST BOUGHT A CELL PHONE

TODAY.

THAT'S EXCITING, HUH?

I THINK IN ANOTHER YEAR, I'LL BE

ABLE TO AFFORD TO ANSWER IT,

EVERYBODY.

I'M GETTING EXCITED.

YOU KNOW?

BUT YOU SEE-- THEY HAVE THOSE

CELL PHONES.

THEY JUST HAVE THAT LITTLE

EARPIECE, YOU KNOW, TO HOLD

THE PHONE.

YOU CAN'T TELL WHO'S INSANE

ANYMORE.

AM I RIGHT?

I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

SOME GUY IS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY!

I WORKED ALL DAY.

YOU PICK UP THE KIDS!

(LAUGHTER)

YOU HEARD ME.

DO IT!"

"ALL RIGHT.

I'LL DO IT.

BUT I NEVER LOVED YOU."

(LAUGHTER)

DATING, I THINK, IS REALLY HARD.

I-- FOR-- GIRLS ARE AFRAID, TOO,

ESPECIALLY IN NEW YORK CITY.

I GO UP TO ONE GIRL, AND I ASKED

HER FOR HER NUMBER.

SHE SAYS, "I DON'T GIVE MY

NUMBER OUT.

YOU MAY BE CRAZY.

GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER."

GIRLS ARE LAUGHING, BECAUSE THIS

IS HOW THEY SCREEN FOR PSYCHOS.

RIGHT?

SO SHE CALLS.

WE GO OUT.

AND I KILL HER.

NOW, HERE'S THE POINT,

EVERYBODY.

PSYCHOS HAVE PHONES, TOO.

OKAY?

AND THEY CAN FAKE BEING NORMAL

FOR A 20-MINUTE CONVERSATION.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THEY PICK UP THE PHONE,

"KILL, KILL.

HELLO?"

THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.

AND THE BLIND DATE IS THE--

DON'T YOU WANT TO KILL SOME OF

YOUR FRIENDS FOR THE PEOPLE

THEY SET YOU UP WITH?

THE LAST ONE MY FRIENDS TOLD ME

THE GIRL LOOKED LIKE A

CELEBRITY.

ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW CLOSE

SOMEBODY CAN LOOK TO A

GOOD-LOOKING PERSON AND BE UGLY?

SHE'S LIKE, "DON'T I LOOK LIKE

DEMI MOORE?"

"YEAH.

EXCEPT I DON'T THINK DEMI HAS A

LAZY EYE OR A DOUBLE CHIN."

(LAUGHTER)

AND SHE WAS A CLOWN FOR KIDS'

PARTIES.

THAT'S WHAT SHE DID FOR A

LIVING.

AND SHE WAS ALSO INTO ROUGH SEX,

WHICH I FOUND OUT IS THE WORST

COMBINATION BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT

WAS REALLY GET ROUGH DOWN THERE.

I LOOKED DOWN.

MY PENIS WAS TWISTED INTO A

GIRAFFE.

(LAUGHTER)

I-- YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE?

SHE WAS ALSO A MIME.

AND SHE COULDN'T JUST GO DOWN.

SHE HAD TO GO DOWN LIKE THIS.

THIS IS A BIG TURNOFF.

(CIRCUS MUSIC SOUND EFFECT)

(LAUGHTER)

I WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY ONE DAY.

BUT I HAD SUCH A TERRIBLE

CHILDHOOD.

DID YOU EVER HAVE A FLASHBACK

TO YOUR CHILDHOOD AND YOU WANT

TO KILL YOUR PARENTS FOR SOME

OF THE STUFF THEY PULLED GROWING

UP?

I'M ON THE PHONE WITH MY SISTER.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, KEL.

REMEMBER THE TIME WE GOT

MONOPOLY AND WE PLAYED ALL

NIGHT?"

SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH.

I DO.

HOW ABOUT THE TIME YOU FINISHED

ALL THE MUSTARD AND DAD BEAT YOU

WITH A FLASHLIGHT?"

(LAUGHTER)

"I'M GONNA HAVE TO CALL YOU

BACK."

MY DAD WAS THE ANGRIEST GUY

IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW THAT?

I WRECKED HIS CAR WHEN I WAS 17

YEARS OLD, AND I HAD TO MAKE

THAT PHONE CALL AT 2:00

IN THE MORNING.

HE WAS LIKE "WHAT THE--

WHO IS IT?"

"HEY, DAD.

IT'S ME, RUSS."

"WHAT THE (BLEEP)-- WHAT TIME IS

IT?"

"WELL, IT'S 2 A.M.

BUT I WANTED TO GIVE YOU A HEAD

START FOR WORK, 'CAUSE YOU'RE

GONNA BE WALKING."

THAT'S ALL MY TIME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'M RUSS MENEVE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY!

♪ (BAND PLAYING)