CC Presents: Nick Griffin

  • Season 12, Ep 17
  • 01/11/2008

THANK YOU!

- THANK YOU.- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

WOW. SERIOUSLY, STOP IT.

HI. THANK YOU.

WOW. YOU ARE A FANTASTIC--IF I DIDN'T--

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER,I'D SAY YOU PEOPLE WERE DRUNK.

- ALCOHOL VERY-- YEAH.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALCOHOL VERY IMPORTANT.

GOTTA HAVE THAT ALCOHOLIN OUR LIVES, RIGHT?

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

LET'S BE HONEST,IF IT WEREN'T FOR ALCOHOL,

A LOT OF USWOULDN'T EVEN BE ALIVE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S TRUE!

WHEN A WOMAN SAYS NO,ALCOHOL SAYS,

- "YOU SURE? MAYBE."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT.ALCOHOL'S A LIQUID FRIEND.

ALCOHOL'S A LIFE COACH.ALCOHOL SAYS, "KISS THAT GIRL."

"PUNCH THAT GUY.""OOPS, YOU GOT 'EM MIXED UP,

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- RUN, RUN!"

YOU DRINK FOR DIFFERENTREASONS AS THE YEARS GO ON.

YOUNG PEOPLE DRINK BECAUSETHEY THINK LIFE IS AWESOME.

OLDER PEOPLE DRINKBECAUSE WE KNOW IT'S NOT.

YEAH. AND 'CAUSEWE HATE YOUNG PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]- OH, THANK YOU.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMETHING APPARENTLYTO LAUGH AT, THOUGH.

MY WIFE FELT I WAS TOO DOWN,I WAS TOO NEGATIVE.

- THIS DIVORCE SHOULD HELP.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, I'M DIVORCED, STARTIN' OVER,SINGLE AGAIN.

YEAH, WELL, NOT REALLY SINGLE.YOU'RE SINGLE IN YOUR 20s.

WHEN YOU'RE 40,YOU'RE JUST ALONE.

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S READ THEIR STORIES,GET A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE, LIKE,

HOW DOES THE 28-YEAR-OLDVIRGIN' WORKIN' THE DRIVE-THRU

AT 2:00AM, HOW DOESHE KEEP FROM STICKIN'HIS HEAD IN THE FRYER?

THERE'S AN ACTOR.

PRETENDIN' LIKE HE CARESABOUT YOUR CHEESEBURGER.

I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ARE MEAN

AND COMPLAIN INFAST FOOD RESTAURANTS.

YOU SHOULD BE SHOT IN THE FACE.THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

IF YOU EVER COMPLAININ A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT,

KILL YOURSELF.YOU'VE FAILED AS A HUMAN BEING.

"WHAT'S TAKIN' HIM SO LONG?WHY IS HE GOING SO SLOW?"

WHY IS HE GOING SO SLOW?WELL, HE'S RE-THINKING

EVERY BAD DECISION HE'SEVER MADE IN HIS GODDAMN LIFE

THAT GOT HIM TO THISHORRIBLE, AWFUL PLACE.

HE'S SUMMONING ALL HIS ENERGYTO KEEP FROM TURNING AROUND

AND STABBING YOUIN THE EYEBALL WITH A SPORK,

YOU FAT JACKASS!YOU JUST GOT AN ENTIRE MEAL

FOR $3 AND DIDN'T GETYOUR FAT ASS OUT OF THE CAR.

AND YOU'RE COMPLAINING?

I HOPE YOU DIE OFCANCER OF THE [BLEEP].

I'VE BEEN AN ADULTFOR OVER 20 YEARS.

I'VE HAD EVERYCONCEIVABLE EXPERIENCE

YOU CAN HAVE WITH A WOMAN,AND I'VE LEARNED

NOTHING ABOUT THEM.NOTHING!

THERE'S BEEN NO CARRY OVERFROM WOMAN TO WOMAN.

NONE OF MY CREDITS TRANSFER!

I STILL CAN'T ANSWERTHEIR SIMPLEST QUESTIONS.

"WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT?"

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T.

I CAN GIVE YOU A LISTOF THE PEOPLE I HATE.

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHATWE'RE THINKIN', LADIES, WHY?

YOU THINK WE'RE HIDING SOMEGREAT LITTLE ROMANTIC NUGGET

WE JUST HAVEN'TTOSSED OUT YET?

"OH, OH, WHAT WASI THINKIN' ABOUT, HONEY?

"I WAS THINKING ABOUT US!COURSE-- I WAS PICTURIN' US

"WALKING HAND IN HANDDOWN THE PARIS STREETS.

"WE'RE EATIN' WARMCHOCOLATE CROISSANTS,

"SIPPIN' A CAPPUCCINO.SNOWFLAKES START TO FALL.

"I PULL YOU CLOSE,GIVE YA A KISS.

"THEN IT'S BACK TO THEFOUR STAR HOTEL FOR A FOOT RUB

TILL YOU FALL ASLEEP."

BUT THAT'S NOTWHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT'SGOING ON UP HERE? PORNOGRAPHY!

- YEAH!- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

CONSTANT.CONSTANT SEXUAL ACTIVITY

WITH EVERY WOMAN I'VE EVER SEEN,HEARD OF, THOUGHT ABOUT.

I DO A MR. POTATO HEAD THINGWHERE I MIX AND MATCH 'EM ALL.

YEAH, THEY'RE IN A BIG PILE,KISSIN', SPANKIN' EACH OTHER.

THERE'S THINGS GOING IN HOLES,IT'S STICKY, IT'S DARK.

IT'S DISGUSTING.IT'S HORRIBLE!

THAT'S WHY MEN FREAK OUT WHENTHEY START TO LOSE THEIR HAIR.

"OH MY GOD, WILL PEOPLEBE ABLE TO SEE IN?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND THE WORST PART ISI CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT

THE UGLY THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD.I CAN'T CONTROL THEM.

THEY JUST APPEAR.I CAN MAKE SUGGESTIONS.

"WHY NOT A LOVELY SUNSETOVER A MOUNTAINTOP?"

AND YOU KNOW WHAT,FOR A SECOND THERE

IS A SUNSETOVER A MOUNTAINTOP.

AND THEN TWO HOOKERS SHOW UP,AND THEY START DRY-HUMPIN'

THE MOUNTAINTOPAND SUCKIN' IT, AND--

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,THAT'S ALL FOR ME.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By mCCaptioning Serviceswww.mCCaption.com

I DON'T. I'M SOBER.

BUT YOU DON'T WANTTO GO THROUGH LIFE SOBER.

LIFE IS UGLY, CRUEL AND UNFAIR.YEAH, NOW I GOTTA SEE IT.

NOW THAT I'M SOBER,I SEE A DIRTY, HOMELESS LADY,

I THINK, "GOD, ANOTHERHUMAN BEING, CHEWED UP, SPIT OUT

BY OUR UNFEELING SOCIETY."YEAH, WHEN I WAS DRINKIN',

I'D THINK, "HEY,I'VE GOT A SHOT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

UH-HUH. WHO WANTSA BIG BAG OF CANS?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I STOPPED DRINKIN', MAN.

WENT TO SOME OF THOSE MEETINGSTHAT HELP YOU STOP DRINKIN'.

WHAT ARE THOSE CALLED?COURT DATES?

JUST GET OLDER,YOUR PERSPECTIVE CHANGES.

WHEN I WAS IN MY 20s ANDI'D SEE A YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL GIRL,

I'D BE LIKE,"AH! I GOTTA GET THAT."

NOW, IT'S LIKE"AH! I'LL NEVER GET THAT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHY?'CAUSE YOUNG GIRLSARE FILLED WITH

SUGAR AND SPICEAND EVERYTHING NICE.

AND I'M FILLED WITHANGER AND SEMEN AND SHAME.

- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]- YEAH.

- THAT'S A TOUGH SELL.- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU EVER SEEN THATMUG SHOT OF NICK NOLTE?

I WISH I FELT THAT GOOD.WHAT'S HIS SECRET?

AND CAMERAS IN OUR PHONES, WHY?

SO I CAN TAKE PICTURESOF ALL THE NEAT STUFF I DO?

I'M A DIVORCED GUYWITH NO MONEY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

HEY, CHECK ME OUT ON MY FUTON,EATIN' A CORN DOG!

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, THAT WASA GOOD THANKSGIVING.

HERE'S ME BOUNCING A CHECK,CRYING IN THE FETAL POSITION.

THAT WAS AN HOUR AGO!

- YEE-HAAA!- [LAUGHTER]

BUT YOU CAN'TMAKE FUN OF THAT PHONE, MAN.

THERE'S PEOPLERIGHT NOW IN THIS ROOM,

THINKING ABOUT THEIR PHONE."I WANNA CHECK IT SO BADLY!

"OH! NO MESSAGES?I'LL LISTEN TO AN OLD MESSAGE.

BUT LIKE I SAID,I DON'T MISS THE ALCOHOL.

I THINK WE'RE ALLOVER-STIMULATED AS IT IS.

I DO! I THINKTHAT'S OUR BIG PROBLEM.

AS A SOCIETY,WE'RE OVER-STIMULATED.

WE HAVE VITAMINSIN OUR WATER NOW.

WE HAVE CARAMELAND CHOCOLATE IN OUR COFFEE.

WE HAVE CHEESE IN OUR CRUST,CAMERAS IN OUR PHONES,

TVS IN OUR CARS.WE GOT BLACKBERRYS,

iPODS, TIVO, PSP, GPS.THANK GOD YOUR KIDS HAVE A.D.D.

THEY'RE GOING TO NEED ITTO GET ALL THIS [BLEEP]. YEAH!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THEY SPEND THEIR WHOLE DAY,"WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?!

WHY IS THERE ALWAYSA BUZZER GOING OFF?!"

THEY'VE GOTHIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AT FIVE!

[LAUGHTER]

YOUR KIDS AREN'T HYPER.THEY'RE PAYING ATTENTION.

ALL THIS TECHNOLOGY, MAN,AND THE YOUNG PEOPLE

PICK IT UP SO QUICKLY.DON'T THEY?

IT'S LIKE, INNATE. I NEVERTHOUGHT I WANTED CHILDREN,

BUT I'VE BEEN HAVING SO MANYDAMN COMPUTER PROBLEMS LATELY.

SEEMS LIKE IT'LL PAY FOR ITSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

LIFE'S GOTTEN COMPLICATED.IS IT JUST ME?

I GOT PASSWORDS.I GOT PASS CODES.

I GOT A SIX-DIGIT PIN NUMBERFOR A CHECKING ACCOUNT

- WITH A TWO-DIGIT BALANCE.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT? BOOP.

AND OTHER THINGS, LIKE--SOME WOMEN LIKE BAD BOYS.

SOME WOMEN LIKE THEHOLLYWOOD BAD BOYS.

I LOVE IT WHENTHEY CALL ACTORS BAD BOYS.

I ALWAYSFIND THAT HILARIOUS.

VIN DIESEL, COLIN FARRELL,RUSSELL CROWE, THEY'RE BAD BOYS.

THEY GO TO WORK IN A LIMOAND THEY WEAR MAKEUP ALL DAY.

THAT'S A MINISKIRT AWAYFROM BEING A TRANSVESTITE.

"I KNOW, BUTHE'S GOT GREASY HAIR,HE SMOKES CIGARETTES,

"GOT A ROUGH BEARD.I THINK IT'S SEXY,

I LIKE THAT." DO YOU?THEN YOU SHOULD CRUISE

- THE GREYHOUND BUS STATION.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THOSE GUYS'LL [BLEEP] YOUFOR A CLARK BAR.

[LAUGHTER AND GROANS]

THERE'S NO SUCH THINGAS BAD BOY.

IT'S JUST ASILLY MADE-UP TERM

TO GET YOU EXCITED ABOUT,YOU KNOW, VIN DIESEL.

IT'S A HYPE WORD.YOU EVER GET SICK OF ALLTHE CELEBRITY HYPE?

ANYONE GET SICK OF ALL THEENTERTAINMENT NEWS? YEAH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, I HYPE DENIRO,DENZEL WASHINGTON,

MERYL STREEP,OKAY. I GET IT.

BUT THEY GOTTA HYPEEVERY CELEBRITY NOW.

EVERY LITTLE ARTICLEIN THE GROCERY STORE LINE.

JESSICA SIMPSON,SHE HAS A MOVIE CAREER,

A MUSIC CAREER AND JUSTWENT THROUGH A PAINFUL DIVORCE.

- HOW DOES SHE STAY SO FIT?- [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW.SHE MAKES $5 MILLION A MOVIE.

THAT MIGHT HELP.FOR THAT KIND OF MONEY,

SHE COULD HIRE A GUYWHO DID NOTHING ALL DAY

BUT SWAT COOKIESOUT OF HER HAND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WOW! HOW DOESTHE RICH LADY DO IT?""I DON'T KNOW."

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DO POOR PEOPLE DO IT?THAT'S THE QUESTIONYOU SHOULD ASK YOURSELF.

HOW DO PEOPLE WHO HAVEHARD JOBS PULL IT OFF?

HELL, ANYBODY CAN ACT.BOB SAGET ACTED.

HAS ANYONE EVER WATCHEDFULL HOUSE AND WENT,

"WOW, I NEVER COULD'VEPULLED THAT OFF.

THAT IS SOME GOOD-ASS ACTIN'RIGHT THERE, THAT'S-- "

IT'S THOSEGODDAMN ENERGY DRINKS

THEY TRICKED US INTO BUYING.RED BULL, ROCK STAR,

- FULL THROTTLE!- [LAUGHTER]

THERE'S THE PERFECT DRINK,IF YOU'RE BATMAN.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I'M JUST A GUY.

I'M GOING TO GET UP,MAKE A FEW PHONE CALLS,PROBABLY TAKE A NAP!

I DON'T NEEDTO BE AT FULL THROTTLE!

IT'S GOINGTO [BLEEP] MY NAP!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S NOT APOSITIVE ENERGY DRINK.

IT'S JUST CAFFEINE.I'M STILL DEPRESSED.

NOW, I'M JUSTREALLY AWARE OF IT.

THANKS, FULL THROTTLE,

NOW, I HAVE THE ENERGYTO KILL MYSELF!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I JUST THINK IT SAYSEVERYTHING ABOUT MY GENERATION

THAT WE ACTUALLY NEED A DRINKTO GIVE US ENERGY NOW.

WE'RE TOO LAZY TO EVENGENERATE OUR OWN ENERGY.

WE NEED A DRINKTO GIVE US ENERGY?

WE NEED A PILLTO GIVE US AN ERECTION?

WHAT IF YOU TAKE THE PILL,BUT YOU DON'T DRINK THE DRINK?

ARE YOU JUST SITTIN' THERE,WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THIS?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I DON'T HAVETHE ENERGY TO USE IT.

I'LL DIP IT IN FULL THROTTLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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