CC Presents: Joe DeRosa

  • 01/11/2009

SERIOUSLY.

YOU GOT TO LET IT GOAT SOME POINT.

HOT MOMS -- ENOUGH ALREADY.

ENOUGH.I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

MOTHERS --

MOTHERS WALKING AROUNDWITH BIG FAKE BOOBS

AND TIGHT LITTLE"JUICY" SWEATPANTS ON.

AND LITTLE THONGS HANGING OUTOVER THEIR BABIES' HEADS

IN THE STROLLERSTHAT THEY'RE PUSHING AROUND.

"LOOK AT MY THONG!THAT'S MY THONG!

"THIS IS MY BABY --

"FORGET THE BABY!LOOK AT MY ASS!

LOOK AT IT, LOOK AT IT!"

YOU KNOW WHAT?

MOMS SHOULD LOOK LIKE MY MOMLOOKED WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

JUST DEFEATED, OKAY?

DEFEATED.

WITH A DEAD LOOK ON HER FACE

LIKE SHE'S GONNA LEAVETHE FAMILY

AND GO ON A KILLING SPREEAT ANY MINUTE.

HOPELESS.

THESE WOMENAREN'T READY TO BE MOMS.

THEY'RE TROPHY WIVES.

AND I'M NOT PICKING ON WOMEN.

THERE'S TROPHY HUSBANDSOUT THERE, TOO.

THERE ARE TROPHY PARENTS

THAT AREN'T READYTO RAISE THEIR KIDS.

DON'T HAVE A KID UNLESSYOU'RE READY TO RAISE IT, OKAY?

I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDSBECAUSE I HATE PEOPLE,

AS I SAID EARLIER,

AND I THINK IT'S A CONFLICTOF INTEREST, PERSONALLY.

IT'S A DECISION I MADE.

EVERYBODY'S GOT AN OPINION.

EVERYBODY'S GOT TO TELL YOUWHAT THEY THINK, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THERE'S TOOMANY MOVEMENTS GOINGON RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

TOO MANY MOVEMENTS.

MY LEAST-FAVORITE MOVEMENT EVERIS THE HEALTH-FOOD MOVEMENT.

I CAN'T STAND IT.

EVERY 10 SECONDS,

SOME DOUCHE BAGHAS TO START TELLING ME

ABOUT SOME STUDY HE READOR SOME DOCUMENTARY HE SAW.

"OH, DUDE, DUDE, I DON'T KNOWIF YOU KNEW THIS, MAN,

"BUT IF YOU EAT FAST FOODTHREE TIMES A DAY FOR A MONTH,

YOU'LL GET SICK!"

YEAH, REALLY?THANK YOU.

I FIGURED THAT OUTWHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT A DISCOVERYYOU JUST MADE.

I KNOW WHAT COMESWITH THE TERRITORY

WHEN I EAT FAST FOOD.

I ATE A BACON DOUBLECHEESEBURGER YESTERDAY.

10 SHORT MINUTESAFTER I FINISHED EATING IT,

I HAD SOMETHING BREWINGINSIDE OF ME

THAT THE RIM OF MY ASSWAS TRYING TO HOLD BACK

LIKE THE FRIGGING LEVEESIN NEW ORLEANS, OKAY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERYBODY WANTS TO EAT HEALTHY

'CAUSE EVERYBODY WANTSTO LOOK GOOD TILL THEY'RE 90.

LET IT GO.

BUT THAT, UH --THAT PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, THE OLDER I GET,

THE MORE I REALIZEI HATE EVERYBODY.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

EVERYBODY.

EVERYBODY.

UGH, I HATE DEALING WITH PEOPLE.I REALLY DO.

THEY'RE JUST SO MISERABLETO DEAL WITH.

I GOT THIS LADY ON THE PHONETHE OTHER NIGHT, OKAY?

I HAD TO BOOK A CARTO GO TO THE AIRPORT.

SO I CALLED THE CAR SERVICE,

AND I GET THIS LADYON THE PHONE,

AND SHE'S JUST A MISERABLE PIECEOF [BLEEP] OF A HUMAN BEING,

RIGHT?

'CAUSE I GO, "HI, I NEEDTO BOOK A CAR, PLEASE."

AND SHE GOES, "UGH!

"WHEN?!

WHEN?!"

I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW...HOW ABOUT, UH...

HOW ABOUT LIKE 7:50 TONIGHT,IF YOU DON'T MIND."

AND SHE GOES, "HUH!

WHAT THE HELL'S THATSUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DIDN'T KNOWHOW TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION.

SO I SAID, "YOU'RE AWARETHAT THERE'S TIME, RIGHT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IS,DON'T YOU?

"UH, ONE OF THE TIMES IS 8:00.

"I'D LIKE MY CARFOR 10 MINUTES PRIOR, PLEASE.

"AT 7:50...

MISS."

AND SHE GOES,"OH, I'M SORRY,

"YOU MUST HAVE MEANTTO SAY 1950.

"'CAUSE IT'S A CAR DEPOT,

"AND WE RUNON A 24-HOUR CLOCK, OKAY?

DO YOU GET IT?"

AND I SAID,"OH, GEEZ, I'M SORRY.

"I DID MEAN TO SAY 1950.

"AND WHEN I SAID 'MISS,'I MEANT TO SAY 'WHORE.'

"OKAY?

"1950, YOU MISERABLE WHORE PIGPIECE OF [BLEEP]

"I'LL HAVE TWO BAGS, BY THE WAY,

IF YOU COULD TELL THE DRIVER,PLEASE."

I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU

ABOUT THE WORST GIG I EVER DIDIN MY LIFE, OKAY?

TWO YEARS AGO,

I FLEW TO SOUTHERN ILLINOISTO PERFORM IN THE WOODS.

WHY?

BECAUSE I HAD TO PERFORM

AT THE INSANE CLOWN POSSE'SMUSIC FESTIVAL.

NOW, SOME OF YOU KNOWWHO THEY ARE.

THAT'S GOOD.

FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T,THEY'RE THE WORST BAND EVER.

EVER!THEY'RE HORRIBLE!

THEY'RE GROWN MENTHAT DRESS UP AS CLOWNS,

AND THEN THEY RAPABOUT BEING CLOWNS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANYWAY, I NEED THE MONEY,THOUGH.

I GOT TO DO THE GIG, RIGHT?

SO MY MANAGER --AT THE TIME --

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HE SAYS, "GO TO THE WOODS.

YOUR CONTACT WILL MEET YOU THEREAND BRING YOU IN."

LIKE I'M GOING INTO VIETNAM

TO FIND GENERAL KURTZ ANDHIS CULT OR SOMETHING, RIGHT?

SO, ANYWAY, I GET THERE.MY CONTACT'S WAITING FOR ME.

IT'S A 40-YEAR-OLD MANDRESSED AS A CLOWN, OKAY?

THAT WAS MY POINT MANIN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENED

AND I NEEDED TO GO TO SOMEBODYFOR ADVICE

OR COVER OR PROTECTION.

AND LET ME TELL YOUHOW HE BROUGHT ME TO THE STAGE.

IN A VANTHAT HAD NO SEATS IN IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IN A VANTHAT HAD NO SEATS IN IT.

YOU KNOW HOW TERRIFYING IT IS

TO CLIMB INTO THE BACKOF A SEATLESS VAN

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMNWOODS, NONETHELESS?

IT ONLY MEANS ONE THING.

PREPARE TO BE RAPED BY A CLOWN.THAT'S ALL IT MEANS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S ALL IT MEANS.

SO I GET THERE, RIGHT?

I'M DOING THE GIG.

IT'S NOT GOINGPARTICULARLY WELL.

AND I'M IN ABOUT MINUTE 47

OF WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BEAN HOUR-LONG SHOW, RIGHT?

AND THEN A WOMAN IN THE AUDIENCEHAS HECKLED ME

FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

SO I DECIDE I'M GONNA TELL HERIN SO MANY WORDS

THAT I DON'T REALLY CAREFOR HER OPINION ON MY COMEDY.

BUT IT CAME OUT DIFFERENT, OKAY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT CAME OUT MORE LIKE,"DIE, WHORE!"

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

SO, IN ORDERTO DEFEND HER HONOR,

THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE --

WHO ALSO DRESS UP AS CLOWNSAND CALL THEMSELVES JUGGALOS,

TO GIVE YOURSELF AN IDEA

WHERE THESE FRIGGIN' PEOPLEARE AT MENTALLY --

TO DEFEND HER,

THEY START CHANTING AT ME,IN UNISON,

"FAM-I-LY!

"FAM-I-LY!

FAM-I-LY!"

I DON'T KNOWWHAT THAT MEANS EITHER, OKAY?

BUT PUT IT IN PERSPECTIVEFOR TWO SECONDS, OKAY?

THINK ABOUT HOW SCARYIT WOULD BE

TO HEAR A RANDOM GROUP OF PEOPLE

THAT YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITHCHANTING THAT.

LIKE, IF YOU WERE WALKINGDOWN THE STREET,

LIKE, "I'M GONNA GO GETA WHOPPER."

AND YOU GOT TO BURGER KING.

"FAM-I-LY!

FAM-I-LY!"

"I'LL GET A BIG MAC.I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

I WANT NO PART OF IT.FORGET IT."

THEN PICTURE THEM CHANTING ITAT YOU,

AND ONLY YOU, IN ANGER.

THEN PUT CLOWN MAKEUPON THE WHOLE THING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT WAS -- IT WAS THE LOWESTPOINT OF MY GODDAMN LIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT HERE'S THE FUNNY PART.

A YEAR LATER, THEY OFFERED MEDOUBLE THE MONEY,

AND I TOOK THE GIG.

SO...

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