CC Presents: Dane Cook

  • 06/27/2000

Dane Cook considers car accidents, venomous people and how to tell if you're really drunk.

NO, I WANNA HEAR IT.

WHAT'S UP?WHAT'S UP?

[crowd cheering]

THIS IS MY SHOW.

I'M ON THE DRUM.

I GOT THIS SET UP, MAN.

I WANNA HAVE, LIKE,A ROCK AND ROLL SHOW.

I THINK EVERY COMIC WANTSTO BE A ROCK AND ROLL STAR.

I DO.I DO.

THAT'S MY DREAM.

BUT I'M A COMIC.

IT'S CLOSE.

ROCK AND ROLL SHOW, MAN.THAT'S THE COOLEST.

THAT'S WHAT WE WANT.

WE COME OUT THOUGH;WE ASK YOU HOW YOU'RE DOING.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

(man) YEAH.

YEAH.

YOU GUYS FEELING GREAT?

[laughs]

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THATWITH ROCK AND ROLL.

GIVE ME A LITTLE ROCK AND ROLL.THIS IS--

ALL ROCK AND ROLL HAS TO DOIS COME OUT AND GO LIKE THIS.

[screaming]YEAH!

NEW YORK CITY,I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

AAAHHH!

I FEEL LIKEI'M IN A FISH TANK.

COMEDY CROWDS--

WE ALWAYS COME OUT--

WE WANT TO ASK YOUHOW YA FEELING.

WE ALWAYS SAY THAT.

BY A ROUND OF APPLAUSE,HOW DO YOU FEEL?

RIGHT?

BY A ROUND OF APPLAUSE,HOW YA FEELING?

IT'S THE ONLY PLACE IN THE WORLD

THAT YOU JUDGEHOW YOU'RE FEELING

BY A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S NEVERANY OTHER TIME

WHERE YOU JUDGE THAT.

THERE'S NEVERA CAR ACCIDENT, YOU KNOW,

PEOPLE ALL OVER THE GROUND.

PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND--

"MA'AM, MA'AM, BY A ROUNDOF APPLAUSE, HOW DO YA FEEL?

BY A ROUND OF APPLAUSE"--SHE'S NOT CLAPPING.

"BY A ROUND OF APPLAUSE"--CLEAR, CLEAR.

SHE'S ON THE GROUND LIKE--

I'M OKAY.

I WISH I WAS A SNAKE.

I DO.

YOU EVER WISHYOU WERE A SNAKE?

YEAH, YOU DO.

I DO.

EVERY TIME I SEE SNAKES ON TV,I'M LIKE, "OH, WHY NOT ME?"

YOU KNOW, I WANT TO--THAT'D BE COOL TO TRAVEL AROUND.

COIL UP IN A LITTLE BALL.

YOU KNOW, JUST UNHINGE MY JAW,EAT A WHOLE TURKEY.

[laughter]

EVERYBODY'D KNOWTHAT YOU'RE MAD.

NOBODY WOULD MESS WITH YOU.

THEY GOT TOO CLOSE,YOU'D BE LIKE--

[making rattling sounds]

"DO NOT COME NEAR ME."

[making rattling sounds]

THEY HAVE THE VENOM.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT.I WANT THE VENOM.

I SEE THEM ON TV, I'M LIKE,"I WANT VENOM."

THAT'D BE COOLHAVING THOSE LITTLE TEETH.

JUST HANGING OUT AT A PARTY.

"HEY, YOU GUYSHAVING A GOOD TIME?"

CAN'T BREATHE.

I CAN'T SEE.

"HEY, THERE'S CHIPSIN THE KITCHEN."

HE BIT MY EYE.

WHY'D YOU BITE MY EYE?

"'CAUSE I'M A SNAKE."

HELLO.THIS IS MY COMEDY SHOW.

JOIN ME.

BE A SNAKE.

OR BE AN ALIEN.

THE MOVIE ALIENS--

ISN'T THAT THE BEST--THOSE ALIENS?

YOU DON'T MESSWITH THOSE ALIENS.

THEY'RE BAD-ASS LOOKING.

THEY'RE ALWAYS WET AND [bleep].

[hissing]

YOU DON'T MESS WITH THAT.

IF I GOT ON THE SUBWAYLIKE THAT--

[hissing]

YOU WOULDN'T MESS WITH ME.

AND THEY HAVE THAT SPIT--THEY HAVE THAT ACIDY SPIT.

I WANT THAT!

WHY NOT ME?

I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE ACIDY SPIT.

I WOULD USE THAT.

YOU KNOW, COP PULLS ME OVER.

I'D BE LIKE,"OFFICER, I'M SORRY.

I GOT MY THING IN THE GLOVE--"

LADY, YOU'D USE THATALL THE TIME.

EVERY WOMAN IN HEREWOULD USE THE ACIDY SPIT.

GUY BOTHERING YOU IN A BARALL NIGHT.

"COME ON.ONE DRINK."

"PLEASE.I SAID--"

"ONE!

I GET YOU A DRINK--"

"I SAID, I'M ALSO--"

"ONE."

[hissing]

WELL, YOU KNOW, A GUY--WE COULD LIKE--

WE COULD BE BURNING ALIVE;WE'D STILL BE LIKE, "ONE DRINK.

ONE."

DRINK.

YEAH.HAVING SOME DRINKIES?

PEOPLE AT HOME,YOU HAVING SOME DRINKS?

OR ARE YOU BOOTINGBLACK TAR HEROINE?

LOSE THE HABIT.

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW YOU--

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW.

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOWTHAT YOU'RE REALLY DRUNK.

I FIGURED IT OUT.

WHEN YOU GETINTO A TAXI CAB,

AND YOU THINK THE FAREIS THE TIME.

[laughter]

"DUDE, IT'S 15 PAST 14 ALREADY.

"[bleep].IT'S 75 PAST, MAN.

THAT CLOCK GIVES RECEIPTS TOO."

[laughter]

I WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

I'M FINE.I'M OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY?

YOU GET INTO A CAR ACCIDENT,RIGHT?

GET INTO A CAR ACCIDENT,YOU KNOW.

IT DOESN'T MATTER

IF IT'S YOUR FAULT OR NOT.

THE OTHER PERSONALWAYS GETS OUT OF THEIR CAR

AND LOOKS AT YOULIKE IT IS YOUR FAULT.

YOU KNOW, THEY ALWAYSGET OUT OF THEIR CAR LIKE THIS.

[laughter]

"WHY--WHY--WHY DID YOU STOPAT A RED LIGHT

"AND LET ME HIT YOU DOING 80?

"WHY?

"OH, WHY DID YOU STOPAT A LEGAL RED LIGHT

AND LET ME HIT YOU DOING 80?"

SO I GOT IN THE ACCIDENT,AND I WENT TO THE DMV,

OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT,SATAN'S ASS[bleep].

[laughter]

[laughs]

YOO-HOO!

THIS IS LIKE ROCK AND ROLLWITH NO MUSIC.

DMV.DMV.

YOU GO IN THERE,

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"I'M GONNA GO EARLY.

I'M GONNA GET THERE AT 6:01."

YOU GET THERE;

THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPINGIN SLEEPING BAGS OUTSIDE.

400 PEOPLE WAITING.

NOBODY'S TALKING EITHER.

YOU WALK INSIDE;

EVERYBODY'S STANDING THERELIKE THIS.

[laughter]

EVERYBODY'S DEAD QUIET,

BUT YOU KNOW EVERYBODY'STHINKING THE SAME THING:

"AAAHHH!

GO! GO!"

[laughter]

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SHOULD DO--THEY SHOULD DO?

WHEN YOU WALK IN THE FRONT DOOR,

THEY SHOULD HAVESOMEBODY HIDING,

JUST PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.

'CAUSE AT LEAST AFTER IT--

YOU COULD BE LIKE,"AAAHHH!

"ALL RIGHT, WELL, WAITINGIN LINE'S NOT SO BAD

AFTER THE PUNCH IN THE FACE."

PUNCH ME IN THE FACE.

IN THE YEAR 3000,EVERYTHING WILL BE INSTANT.

EVERYTHING.

JUST GET INTO A TELEPORTER.

"BYE."

"WHAT DO I WANT FOR DINNER?"

BUT THE DMV WILL STILL TAKENINE [bleep] SECONDS.

"NINE SECONDS, COME ON.

I GOTTA BE TO WORKIN THREE SECONDS."

WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN--TELEPORTING?

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO DO THAT?WOULD YOU LIKE TELEPORTING?

JUST GET INTOA LITTLE MACHINE--

"BYE, GUYS."

THERE'D BE SCREW-UPS.

COME THROUGH WITH, LIKE,YOUR ARM

COMING OUT OF YOUR FACE.

"WHAT?!WE HIT SOME TURBULENCE.

"MY ASS DIDN'T COME WITH US.

OH, THIS IS AWFUL."

TIME MACHINE--THAT'D BE KIND OF FUN, HUH?

TRAVEL THROUGH TIME.

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO DO THAT?

I WOULD.I'D TRAVEL ALL OVER.

JUST GO BACK IN TIME,MESS WITH PEOPLE.

YOU KNOWWHAT I WOULD LIKE TO DO?

I'D TRAVEL BACK TO WHEN--

WHEN MY MOM AND DAD HAD SEXTO HAVE ME.

I WOULD.

YEAH.

AND I'D JUSTRUN INTO THE BEDROOM

RIGHT WHEN THEY'RE DOING IT

AND JUST SPANK MY DADON THE ASS.

"I'M YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE!

[screaming]

"I'M FROM THE FUTURE.

I'M YOUR SON."

CATHOLIC.

EVERY SUNDAY.

EVERY SUNDAY, MY DADMADE US GET UP, GO TO MASS.

AND YOU HAD TO GET THEREAT, LIKE, WHAT?

QUARTER OF FIVE IN THE MORNING?

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU WANTEDGOOD SEATS.

THERE WAS SO MANY THINGSTO REMEMBER, TOO,

WHEN YOU GOT THERE.

YOU KNOW, THERE WAS, LIKE,LITTLE MOVES.

NOBODY KNEW THE MOVES.

NOBODY KNEW.

LIKE, WHAT WAS THAT ONE?

NOBODY KNEW.

NOBODY LOOKED AT EACH OTHER.

WHAT IS THIS?

TRYING TO MAKE IT UPAS YOU GO.

[laughter and applause]

THERE WAS PEACE.

PEACE WAS WHEN YOU WOULD--

YOU WOULD SHAKE THE HANDSOF ALL THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.

THE ONLY REASONYOU KNEW PEACE WAS COMING

WAS BECAUSE THE PRIEST WOULD SAY"PEACE," LIKE, FIVE TIMES.

HE'D BE LIKE,

"AND THE PEACEFUL DISCIPLESSAID MY PEACE I LEAVE,

"MY PEACE I GIVE TO YOU,

AS WE ATE REESES PIECESWITH THE LORD."

[laughter]

AND HE SAID, "I HAVE A PIECEOF LINT IN MY PEACEFUL EYE."

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING

WHILE HE WAS DOINGHIS LITTLE PEACE RAP?

YOU WERE LOOKING AROUNDFOR THE PEOPLE

WHOSE HANDSYOU WERE NOT GONNA SHAKE.

THIS WAS CHURCH.

AND YOU'RE, LIKE,"NO, [bleep] THAT GUY."

"HERE HE COMES.

"NO. PEACE BE WITH YOU.

"I'M ALL SET.

"PEACE BE--

"I SAID, I'M ALL SET.I'M DOING MY THING.

"I GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE.PEACE OFF.

"PEACE BE WITH YOU.

"DON'T LET GO!

YOU DO NOT LET GO OF ME!"

THEN IT WAS SNACK TIMEIN THE MIDDLE OF MASS.

[laughter]

YEAH.

RIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE,

THE PRIEST WOULD LOOK DOWNAND BE LIKE,

♪ "LET'S HAVE SOME YUM-YUMS.

♪ I'VE MADE SNACKS."

YOU WOULD GET IN LINE--YOU WOULD JUMP IN THE LINE,

AND YOU WOULD GO UPAND GET THE, YOU KNOW,

THE CROUTON O'CHRIST.

HE HAD A WHOLE BOWL OF THEM TOO.

HE HAD A WHOLE BOWL,AND HE WAS LIKE THIS.

I GOT MAD 'CAUSE HE KEPT 'EMLIKE THIS.

SO I USED TO ALWAYS WANT TO MESSWITH THE PRIEST, YOU KNOW.

WHEN IT WAS MY TURN,

I'D GET TO THE FRONTOF THE LINE,

I'D BE LIKE, "AHHH.

[laughter]

"YOUR MOVE, HOLY MAN.

[laughter]

CHOOSE WISELY."

HE HAD A WHOLE BOWL.

I ALWAYS WANTEDTO, LIKE, GRAB THEM, YOU KNOW.

JUST GRAB THE BOWL, RUN HOME,AND, LIKE, ADD MILK,

LIKE, YOU KNOW.

EAT IT LIKE CHRIST CHEX.

[laughter]

THAT'D BE GREATIF THAT WAS A REAL CEREAL.

"START YOUR DAY OFF THE HOLY WAYWITH CHRIST CHEX.

IT'S A MIRACLE IN A BOWL."

OPEN UP THE BOX,IT'S LIKE, ♪ AAHH.

LITTLE ANGEL FLIES OUT.

"GOOD MORNING.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL."

YOUR FRIENDS COME INTO TOWN.RIGHT AWAY--

"CHICKS, DUDE."

PICK UP THE PHONE.

"WHAT'S UP?"

"DUDE, CHICKS.

"LET'S GO GET SOME CHICKS, DUDE.CHICKS.

LET'S GET SOME CHICKS, DUDE."

YOU KNOW, LIKE WE CANJUST GO TO WALGREENS.

"WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE CHICKS?WHERE ARE THEY AT?

"CHICKS--AISLE FIVE, GUYS.

LET'S GO PICK UP SOME CHICKS."

I WANTED TO GO TOTHE DANCE CLUB.

THAT'S WHERE MY BUDDIESWANT TO GO.

"DUDE, THE DANCE CLUB;

THAT'S WHERE THE CHICKS ARE."

YOU KNOW,THAT'S WHY WE GO THERE.

WE DON'T GO THERE TO DANCE.

WOMEN GO THERE TO DANCE.

THEY GET ALL READY IN THE MIRRORWITH THEIR FRIENDS.

THEY'RE, LIKE,"I JUST--I NEED TO GO.

"I JUST NEED TO DANCE.

"I'M SERIOUS TONIGHT,NO GUYS--SCREW GUYS.

"I JUST NEED TO--

"I'VE HAD A ROUGH WEEK,

"AND I JUST NEED TOJUST DANCE IT OUT.

"I JUST WANT TO STANDIN A CIRCLE

"AROUND OUR POCKETBOOKAND SHOES AND JUST--

"I JUST WANT TO DANCE.

DANCE."

YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A GUYSAY TO ONE OF HIS BUDDIES,

"MIKE, MIKE, MIKE,LISTEN, BUDDY.

"TONIGHT, BRO,I GOTTA DANCE, DUDE.

[laughter]

SCREW CHICKS TONIGHT, BRO.I GOTTA DANCE."

WE'VE ALL HAD SOME CRAPPY JOBS,RIGHT?

EVERYBODY'S HAD CRAPPY JOBS.

WHATEVER.

YOU GOTTA DO IT.

FIRST JOB I HAD:

BURGER KING.

[woman laughs]

[mocks laugh]

[laughter]

I'LL COME UP THERE, MA'AM.

MY BROTHER GOT ME THE JOB TOO.

MY BROTHER GOT ME THE JOB.

MM-HMM.

HE WAS THE MANAGER,AND HE GOT ME THE JOB.

YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE COOL,YOU KNOW, BECAUSE HE'S MY BRO,

BUT HE WAS A [bleep].

[laughter]

HE THOUGHT HE WASTHE BURGER KING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

HE WOULD PUT ME ON DRIVE-THRUEVERY NIGHT.

WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON YELLINGAT THE DRIVE-THRU?

YOU KNOW,IT'S MODERN TECHNOLOGY.

I'D BE THEREWITH MY LITTLE HEADSET.

"HI, WELCOME TO BURGER KING.MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?"

[shouts]"WHOPPER."

[laughter]

"SIR--"

[shouts]"WHOPPER, NO ONION.LARGE FRY."

[laughter]

"EXCUSE ME, CHEWBACCA?

"I'M BLEEDINGFROM THE EARS HERE, PACINO.

"LET'S CALM DOWN.

"ALL RIGHT.

"WE'RE DEALING WITH FOOD,NOT MISSILES HERE, GOVERNOR.

NOW, DRIVE AROUND!"

[laughter]

I WOULD RATHERHAVE HAD PEOPLE YELL.

IT WAS WHEN PEOPLEDIDN'T TALK LOUD ENOUGH.

THAT DROVE ME CRAZY.

YOU KNOW,TEN CARS OUT THERE.

I'D BE LIKE, "HI, MA'AM,MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?"

[muffled, squeaky voice]

"MA'AM, HELLO,CAN I HELP YOU?"

"I'LL HAVE THE PICKLESAND THE SHAKES,

"THE SHAKE AND PICKLES,

"THE LARGE SHAKESAND THE PICKLES

AND THE PICKLESAND THE PICKLES."

"ALL RIGHT, MA'AM.

"APPARENTLY, YOU WANTSOME PICKLES.

"MA'AM, ARE YOU TRYINGTO MOLEST ME VIA DRIVE-THRU?

"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

HELLO?"

[seductive voice]"CHICKEN TENDERS;SWEET SAUCE ALL OVER MY BODY."

[laughter]

"OKAY, MA'AM, DRIVE AROUND.

"SOMEONE GET SOME SAUCE NOW!

COME ON.SHE WANTS IT HER WAY!"

[laughter and applause]

THE FINGER.THE FINGER.

WHAT IS IT WITH THE FINGER?IT JUST GETS YOU NUTS.

WHO INVENTED THE FINGER?WHO INVENTED THE FINGER?

WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSONTO GET SO PISSED AT SOMEONE,

THEY WERE LIKE,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, AND IT'S LIKEYOU JUST MAKE ME, AAAHHH!

JUST LOOK AT MY FINGER,AND YOU'LL KNOW, MAN!"

DID HE TRY OTHER STUFFBEFORE THE FINGER TOO?

JUST DIDN'T WORK OUT.

"YOU KNOW WHAT?SUCK MY BACK!

"SUCK MY BACK!SUCK MY BACK!

AH-HA! NOPE!NOPE!"

ALL RIGHT, GUYS.I GOTTA GO.

BY A ROUND OF APPLAUSE,HOW DO YOU FEEL?

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