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Season 8

Bradley, Growe, Redd, Biloon

  • Season 8, Ep 0803
  • 01/20/2005

THANK YOU, GUYS.

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

I'M SO HAPPY TO BE IN

NEW YORK CITY.

YES.

NEW YORK.

YEAH.

NOW I GOT A FRIEND, PHIL,

FROM NEW YORK.

HE'S ALWAYS LIKE, "HEY,

HOW YOU DOING.

I'M PHIL FROM NEW YORK.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I'M FROM NEW YORK.

HOW YOU DOING?

PHIL."

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE THINKS EVERYTHING'S

BETTER IF IT COMES FROM

NEW YORK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I CAN'T EVEN HAVE A PIECE OF

PIZZA WITH THE GUY.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, PHIL, HMM.

THIS IS PRETTY GOOD PIZZA."

HE'S LIKE-- "IT'S NOT LIKE THE

PIZZA IN NEW YORK PIZZA.

[LAUGHTER]

WANNA CALL THAT LITTLE PIECE

OF CRACKER WITH SOME CHEESE

AND SOME TOMATO JUICE ON A

PIECE A PIZZA, GA HEAD."

[LAUGHTER]

"IN NEW YORK WE GOT PIECES OF

PIZZA A FOOT WIDE, FIVE INCHES

THICK, WHOLE TOMATOES ON TOP!

CHEESE SO THICK IT GIVES YOU

A HEART ATTACK RIGHT IN YOUR

HEART!

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU ENJOY HAVING THAT

HEART ATTACK BECAUSE IT'S FROM

NEW YORK."

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAU

Butch Bradley: HOW WE DOING,

PEOPLE?

YOU GUYS SOUND AMAZING.

THAT FELT GOOD.

MMM, THANK YOU.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

I'M JUST RECENTLY BACK FROM

PERFORMING FOR THE TROOPS IN

THE MIDDLE EAST.

IT'S ONE OF THE-- YEAH.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU

VOLUNTEER FOR.

YOU GET THERE AND YOU GO,

"WHAT WAS I THINKING?"

WE ALL HAVE OUR OPINIONS ON

WHETHER OR NOT WE SHOULD BE IN

THE MIDDLE EAST OR WHAT THE

PROBLEM IS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS?

THE PROBLEM IS IT'S HOT.

IT WASN'T 80.

IT WASN'T 90.

IT WAS 140.

THAT MAKES YOU DO CRAZY STUFF.

I SPENT THE WHOLE TIME SEARCHING

FOR AIR.

AAAGHH!

[LAUGHTER]

PULL THE TROOPS OUT.

PUMP AIR-CONDITIONING IN FOR

ABOUT FIVE DAYS.

PEOPLE WILL COME OUT OF THAT

STUFF.

"WHOO, I WAS BEING AN ASS.

WHATEVER, I WAS HOT.

WHAT?

STRAPPING BOMBS TO MYSELF?

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE."

"AS SOON AS THE AIR HIT ME,

I TOOK THE JACKET OFF."

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T EVEN WATCH THE NEWS

ANYMORE 'CAUSE THEY SCARE THE

HELL OUT OF ME.

ORANGE ALERT.

WHY DON'T THEY JUST LOOK INTO

THE CAMERA AND GO...

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T ORANGE ALERT ME.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT ORANGE ALERT

IS.

IF YOU'RE GONNA ALERT ME,

MAKE ME DO STUFF.

"AH, LOCK YOUR TOP LOCK."

I'M ALL OVER THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

"FILL YOUR TUB WITH WATER."

EXCELLENT.

BUT DON'T MENTION DUCT TAPE

TO ME 'CAUSE THAT'S WEIRD.

THAT TELLS ME YOU DON'T KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON.

LIKE AL-QAEDA IS GONNA COME

RUN DOWN THE STREET AND I'M

GONNA GO, "WHOO, BACK UP,

BITCHES.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GOT A LOT OF HAIR ON THAT

FOREARM."

[APPLAUSE]

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA OUTGROW

BEING FRIGHTENED, YOU KNOW?

THEN I WENT OUT AND I RENTED A

SCARY MOVIE ALONE AND I FORGOT.

SCARY MOVIES MAKE YOU HEAR

THINGS.

I'M NOT AFRAID OF ADULT GHOSTS.

BUT KID GHOSTS SCARE THE HELL

OUT OF ME.

THEY DON'T HAVE TO DO MUCH IN

A MOVIE.

JUST WALK BY LIKE--

[LAUGHTER]

OOH.

WHAT WERE THOSE KIDS DOING?

I DON'T KNOW.

WORST KID GHOST OF ALL TIME,

THE SHINING.

THERE WERE THESE TWO LITTLE

GIRLS ON BIKES.

I'M SORRY WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT

THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE ON BICYCLES.

"COME PLAY WITH US."

[LAUGHTER]

"NO.

THERE'S SOMETHING WEIRD ABOUT

YOU TWO.

I THINK I'LL STAY ON THIS SIDE

OF THE HOTEL AND TAKE MY CHANCES

WITH JACK."

[LAUGHTER]

I PUT THE MOVIE IN BEFORE

MIDNIGHT AS OPPOSED TO AFTER

MIDNIGHT WHEN THEY WOULD COME

OUT.

I HAD TO POSITION AGAINST THE

WALL SO STUFF COULDN'T COME UP

BEHIND ME.

I HAD A BIG PILLOW.

I FIGURED THAT WOULD SLOW A

BLADE.

[LAUGHTER]

AT FIRST I WAS FINE.

BUT THEN I BEGAN TO HEAR THINGS.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT ARE THESE KIDS

DO-- OH.

DID I JUST HEAR SOME STUFF?"

THEN YOU PAUSE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN YOU MAKE NOISE 'CAUSE YOU

WANT WHATEVER'S OUT THERE TO

KNOW YOU KNOW IT'S THERE.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LISTEN TO ME.

LEAVE YOUR CLOSETS CLOSED

'CAUSE EVENTUALLY YOU'RE GONNA

HAVE TO MAKE IT TO THE BATHROOM.

YOU DON'T WANNA WALK BY AN

OPEN CLOSET 'CAUSE STUFF CAN

GRAB YOU.

I MADE IT TO THE BATHROOM BUT

LIKE AN IDIOT LEFT THE SHOWER

CURTAIN CLOSED.

YOU KNOW WHO'S IN THERE.

AAGHH!

HE IS JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO

DROP YOUR PANTS AND THEN...

DON'T PEEK IN ON HIM.

OPEN IT FAST.

MAYBE YOU'LL FRIGHTEN HIM.

HE'LL TRIP AND KILL HIMSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

GET TO YOUR BED.

THE ONLY THING THAT CAN

PROTECT YOU IS YOUR BLANKET.

I DON'T CARE HOW HOT IT IS JUST

LEAVE THIS PART UP.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

WHEN YOU HEAR HIM CIRCLING

DON'T GO OUT STAY IN.

IT'S THOSE LITTLE GIRLS.

TUCK THAT STUFF IN TIGHT.

TIGHT.

NOTHING CAN STICK OUT.

A FOOT, THEY WILL GET YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

HAPPY THOUGHTS.

LIE TO YOURSELF.

THAT'S HOW YOU FALL ASLEEP.

IT'S JUST MY IMAGINATION.

IT WAS JUST A STUPID MOVIE.

'TIL THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

YOU HEAR [THUMPING NOISE],

"COME PLAY WITH US."

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

MY NAME'S BUTCH BRADLEY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S-- THIS IS--

THIS IS VERY-- IT'S--

I JUST GOTTA BE COOL NOW.

JUST GOTTA BE COOL.

THAT'S IT.

WHICH I'M NOT, YOU KNOW?

IT'S-- IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M-- I'M KIND OF NERDY.

I KNOW I AM.

IT'S TOUGH TO BE COOL,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S TOUGH TO BE COOL LIKE WHEN

YOU'RE WALKING DOWN THE STREET

AND YOU START FIXING YOUR HAIR

IN SOMEONE'S CAR WINDOW AND

THEY'RE STILL IN THE CAR.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M TRYING, YOU KNOW?

I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING SOME

BODY PIERCING DONE 'CAUSE THAT'S

COOL.

BUT I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT

PIERCING MY EYEBROW OR MY NOSE

OR MY NAVEL.

YOU KNOW, I'M THINKING ABOUT

PIERCING MY LOVE HANDLES.

WOULDN'T THAT BE WICKED?

[LAUGHTER]

WOULDN'T THAT LIKE ONE ON

EITHER SIDE?

NOT SOME SIMPLE GOLD HOOPS

EITHER.

ACTUAL HANDLES OFF A SUITCASE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WOULDN'T BE VERY COOL

EITHER, ESPECIALLY IF I EVER

WENT TO PRISON.

THAT COULD BE--

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEN MAYBE PEOPLE WOULD BE

LOOKING AT ME GOING-- YEAH.

WE GOT MARRIED IN '97.

AND MY WIFE AND I HAVE BEEN

HAVING THE SAME SEX EVER SINCE.

[EXHALES]

[LAUGHTER]

MY WIFE HATES THAT JOKE.

"YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL THE SAME

SEX JOKE ARE YOU?"

WHICH IS MORE OF A STATEMENT

THAN A QUESTION REALLY.

MY WIFE IS THE MASTER OF THE

RHETORICAL QUESTION.

YOU KNOW SHE ASKS ME A QUESTION

BUT SHE'S REALLY JUST HUMORING

ME.

YOU KNOW, SHE ALREADY KNOWS

THE ANSWER, YOU KNOW?

"WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO

FOR DINNER?"

SHE ALREADY KNOWS WHAT WE'RE

DOING FOR DINNER.

"WHAT MOVIE DO YOU THINK WE

SHOULD SEE TONIGHT?"

SHE'S ALREADY PICKED THE MOVIE.

"DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD HAVE

A THIRD BABY?"

SHE'S ALREADY PREGNANT.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE EXPECTING OUR THIRD BABY

LITERALLY ANY MINUTE NOW.

WHICH IS GREAT.

YEAH.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

IT'S FUN.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

IT'S GREAT.

OUR OLDEST IS A BOY AND

FOUR YEARS OLD IS A GREAT AGE

FOR BOYS.

YOU KNOW MY FAVORITE PART ABOUT

OUR FOUR-YEAR-OLD SON IS WHEN

HE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING AND

HE COMES TO THE SIDE OF OUR BED

AND HE LOOKS ME RIGHT IN THE

EYE AND HE SAYS, "I DON'T WANNA

BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE!"

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S AN ANGEL.

I COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD WITH

HIM.

AND OUR DAUGHTER IS SO STUBBORN,

YOU KNOW?

EVER SINCE SHE WAS A BABY--

AND BABIES CAN BE STUBBORN,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE EVEN TRYING TO CHANGE A

DIAPER ON A BABY WHO DOESN'T

WANNA HAVE THEIR DIAPER CHANGED

IS LIKE TRYING TO PUT A PAIR OF

SPANDEX BARBIE SHORTS ON A CAT

IN A JACUZZI.

[LAUGHTER]

I SHOULD REALLY FIND A JOB.

THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH

THREE KIDS.

SO I'M SEEING A CAREER

COUNSELOR.

DON'T.

THIS GUY'S RIDICULOUS.

HE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE

NOT WORKING, IT'S A GOOD TIME TO

DO A LITTLE IN-TRO-SPECTION.

THINK ABOUT YOURSELF AND THEN

GO AHEAD AND ASK THOSE

QUESTIONS YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN

MEANING TO ASK."

I'M LIKE, "OKAY."

LIKE WHEN I EAT CAPTAIN

CRUNCH...

WHY DOES THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH

HURT SO MUCH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHY IS IT YOU GET HOME AFTER A

LONG DAY, YOU TAKE OFF YOUR

SHOES, YOU THINK YOUR FEET

SMELL AND YOUR BRAIN CONVINCES

YOU TO BRING YOUR SOCKS AS CLOSE

TO YOUR NOSE AS POSSIBLE?

[LAUGHTER]

AND WHY DO PEOPLE TAKE BOOKS

INTO THE BATHROOM WITH THEM?

LIKE AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

IF YOU HAVE TIME TO READ ON

THE TOILET YOU'VE GONE IN WAY

TOO EARLY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IF YOUR BUSINESS REALLY

DOES LAST THAT LONG, CALL 911.

GET IN THE JAWS-OF-LIFE AND

GET ON WITH YOUR OWN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA LET Y'ALL KNOW

UP-FRONT I AM NOT A POLITICAL

COMEDIAN.

BUT I DO HAVE SOME ISSUES WITH

SOCIETY.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE I DON'T LIKE ALL THESE

POLITICAL CORRECT TERMS THAT

THEY HAVE NOW FOR PEOPLE IN OUR

RACE SUCH AS AFRICAN-AMERICAN

AND WHAT HAVE YOU.

TO ME THESE TERMS NEED TO BE

RECTIFIED AND SIMPLIFIED.

SO THAT'S WHY I THINK ALL YOU

WHITE PEOPLE SHOULD BE CALLED

WHITE.

FOLLOW ME NOW.

AND I THINK OUR PEOPLE OF COLOR

SHOULD BE CALLED WHEAT.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES.

'CAUSE, SEE, THIS WILL BE

PERFECT 'CAUSE I LIKE THE IDEA

OF ME BEING NUTRITIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, THAT'S AN "N" WORD I CAN

LIVE WITH.

I BE LIKE, "MAN, YOU NEED TO

HANG OUT JASPER MORE."

"WHY?"

"BECAUSE HE'S GOOD FOR YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

NOW I JOKE ABOUT YOU WHITE

PEOPLE AND I ENJOY IT.

BUT I'M NOT A RACIST.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT A RACIST.

YOU KNOW I CAN NEVER JUDGE A

PERSON BY THE COLOR OF THEIR

SKIN.

INSTEAD, I CHOOSE TO JUDGE A

PERSON BY THE COLOR OF THEIR

TEETH.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S RIGHT.

I AM A TEETHIST.

WHITE POWER INDEED.

YEAH, I'M GONNA START A HATE

GROUP CALLED THE COLGATE CLAN.

WE JUST GO AROUND IN WHITE

SHEETS BRUSHING PEOPLE TEETH...

[LAUGHTER]

ON THEIR FRONT LAWN.

[APPLAUSE]

MAN, WHEN I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD

I LOST MY TWO FRONT TEETHIS

AND I PUT THEM UNDER MY PILLOW--

I PUT THEM UNDER MY PILLOW FOR

THE TOOTH FAIRY.

AND THE NEXT MORNING WHEN I

WOKE UP TO MY SURPRISE UNDER

MY PILLOW I FOUND A JOINT.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

SO THEN I RAN AND TOLD MY

POP-POP.

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, LOOK WHAT THE

TOOTH FAIRY LEFT ON MY PILLOW!"

AND HIS EYES GOT ALL BIG AND HE

TOOK THE JOINT.

HANDED ME A DUCKET.

AND, NEW YORK, TO THIS DAY,

I STILL DON'T KNOW IF I SOLD

MY DADDY WEED.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

AND IF I DID, THAT FOOL OWE ME

FOUR DOLLARS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MAN, ONE TIME I WAS DRIVING

DOING MY THING AND SOMEBODY CUT

ME OFF, MAN.

AND AT THAT VERY MOMENT A

BRILLIANT IDEA POPPED IN MY

NOGGIN.

I THINK CAR HORNS SHOULD SOUND

LIKE GUN SHOTS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW?

YEAH, 'CAUSE THE SOUND OF A HORN

IS NOT REPRESENTING MY

ROAD RAGE PROPERLY.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, I NEVER BEEN ANGRY

WITH SOMEONE AND HAD THE URGE

TO TOOT A TRUMPET.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT'D BE ALL KINDS OF WEIRD.

BUT, MAN, WHAT?

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

WELL, HOLD ON.

[TRUMPET SOUNDS]

[LAUGHTER]

BITCH!

[APPLAUSE]

AH, YEAH.

MY NAME IS MICHELLE BILOON.

I HAVE A TWIN SISTER.

SHE'S A LESBIAN.

HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE.

IT'S DIFFICULT, AUDIENCE.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK IT'S KIND OF MY FAULT,

THOUGH.

I'M A LITTLE BIT OF A SEXUAL

ORIENTATION SVENGALI.

WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER WE WERE

WATCHING KD LANG SING IN THE

GRAMMY'S.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,

LOOK AT THAT GUY, HE'S SO HOT."

AND SHE'S LIKE "HE IS CUTE.

WHO IS HE?"

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S A GIRL.

YOU'RE GAY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE WAS.

I LIKE WATCHING COP TV SHOWS.

YOU KNOW POLICE OFFICER

TELEVISION.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PHRASES FROM

THOSE TYPES OF SHOWS AND WHEN

THERE'S A CRIME SCENE AND A

CROWD AND THE COP GETS ON

THE MEGAPHONE AND HE'S LIKE,

"OKAY, EVERYBODY, PARTY'S OVER.

PARTY'S OVER."

NINETY PERCENT OF THE TIME THERE

WAS NEVER A PARTY.

OKAY?

IT'S ALWAYS LIKE A HOMICIDE,

YOU KNOW?

PARTY, OR A SUICIDE?

PARTY?

THAT WAS A PARTY?

THE GUY JUST JUMPED OUT OF A

BUILDING AND DIED.

THAT WAS A PARTY?

WELL, SCREW IT, IF THAT WAS

A PARTY I'VE GOT A BATHTUB AND

A TOASTER.

EVERYBODY COME ON OVER TO MY

PLACE.

[APPLAUSE]

I GOT SOME POP ROCKS AND

COCA-COLA, CHILDREN OF THE '80s,

WE CAN DO IT LIKE MIKEY.

[LAUGHTER]

I HAD WHAT THEY CALL IN THE

MEDICAL COMMUNITY AN EAR

INFECTION.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD OF

IT.

I WAS TALKING TO MY MOM ABOUT IT

ON THE AOL INSTANT MESSENGER.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, I'M SO

SICK I THINK I'M GONNA DIE.

SEND."

[LAUGHTER]

AND MY MOTHER IM'd ME BACK TO

SAY, "OH, MAYBE YOU DON'T HAVE

AN EAR INFECTION, COLON, RIGHT

PARENTHESES.

MAYBE WHAT YOU HAVE IS AN INNER

EAR PIMPLE."

WHAT?

I'M NOT SIX YEARS OLD.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU ANYMORE.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS AN

INNER EAR PIMPLE.

IT'S AN EAR INFECTION.

AND MY MOTHER IM's ME BACK

TO SAY, "WELL, MAYBE IT'S JUST

A REALLY BIG INNER EAR PIMPLE.

AND MAYBE ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS

JUST TILT YOUR HEAD AND LET

THE PUSSY WATER FLOW."

YEAH, THAT'S A REALLY CUTE STORY

ABOUT MY MOM AND EVERYTHING.

BUT WHEN YOU READ THE WORD

"PUSSY"--

[LAUGHTER]

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