Bradley, Growe, Redd, Biloon

  • Season 8, Ep 0803
  • 01/22/2005

Jasper Redd judges people by the color of their teeth, Michelle Biloon gets bad medical advice from her mom, and Adam Growe details his wife's vast knowledge.

THANK YOU, GUYS.

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

I'M SO HAPPY TO BE IN

NEW YORK CITY.

YES.

NEW YORK.

YEAH.

NOW I GOT A FRIEND, PHIL,

FROM NEW YORK.

HE'S ALWAYS LIKE, "HEY,

HOW YOU DOING.

I'M PHIL FROM NEW YORK.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I'M FROM NEW YORK.

HOW YOU DOING?

PHIL."

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE THINKS EVERYTHING'S

BETTER IF IT COMES FROM

NEW YORK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I CAN'T EVEN HAVE A PIECE OF

PIZZA WITH THE GUY.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, PHIL, HMM.

THIS IS PRETTY GOOD PIZZA."

HE'S LIKE-- "IT'S NOT LIKE THE

PIZZA IN NEW YORK PIZZA.

[LAUGHTER]

WANNA CALL THAT LITTLE PIECE

OF CRACKER WITH SOME CHEESE

AND SOME TOMATO JUICE ON A

PIECE A PIZZA, GA HEAD."

[LAUGHTER]

"IN NEW YORK WE GOT PIECES OF

PIZZA A FOOT WIDE, FIVE INCHES

THICK, WHOLE TOMATOES ON TOP!

CHEESE SO THICK IT GIVES YOU

A HEART ATTACK RIGHT IN YOUR

HEART!

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU ENJOY HAVING THAT

HEART ATTACK BECAUSE IT'S FROM

NEW YORK."

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAU

THAT'S-- THIS IS--

THIS IS VERY-- IT'S--

I JUST GOTTA BE COOL NOW.

JUST GOTTA BE COOL.

THAT'S IT.

WHICH I'M NOT, YOU KNOW?

IT'S-- IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M-- I'M KIND OF NERDY.

I KNOW I AM.

IT'S TOUGH TO BE COOL,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S TOUGH TO BE COOL LIKE WHEN

YOU'RE WALKING DOWN THE STREET

AND YOU START FIXING YOUR HAIR

IN SOMEONE'S CAR WINDOW AND

THEY'RE STILL IN THE CAR.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M TRYING, YOU KNOW?

I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING SOME

BODY PIERCING DONE 'CAUSE THAT'S

COOL.

BUT I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT

PIERCING MY EYEBROW OR MY NOSE

OR MY NAVEL.

YOU KNOW, I'M THINKING ABOUT

PIERCING MY LOVE HANDLES.

WOULDN'T THAT BE WICKED?

[LAUGHTER]

WOULDN'T THAT LIKE ONE ON

EITHER SIDE?

NOT SOME SIMPLE GOLD HOOPS

EITHER.

ACTUAL HANDLES OFF A SUITCASE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WOULDN'T BE VERY COOL

EITHER, ESPECIALLY IF I EVER

WENT TO PRISON.

THAT COULD BE--

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEN MAYBE PEOPLE WOULD BE

LOOKING AT ME GOING-- YEAH.

WE GOT MARRIED IN '97.

AND MY WIFE AND I HAVE BEEN

HAVING THE SAME SEX EVER SINCE.

[EXHALES]

[LAUGHTER]

MY WIFE HATES THAT JOKE.

"YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL THE SAME

SEX JOKE ARE YOU?"

WHICH IS MORE OF A STATEMENT

THAN A QUESTION REALLY.

MY WIFE IS THE MASTER OF THE

RHETORICAL QUESTION.

YOU KNOW SHE ASKS ME A QUESTION

BUT SHE'S REALLY JUST HUMORING

ME.

YOU KNOW, SHE ALREADY KNOWS

THE ANSWER, YOU KNOW?

"WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO

FOR DINNER?"

SHE ALREADY KNOWS WHAT WE'RE

DOING FOR DINNER.

"WHAT MOVIE DO YOU THINK WE

SHOULD SEE TONIGHT?"

SHE'S ALREADY PICKED THE MOVIE.

"DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD HAVE

A THIRD BABY?"

SHE'S ALREADY PREGNANT.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE EXPECTING OUR THIRD BABY

LITERALLY ANY MINUTE NOW.

WHICH IS GREAT.

YEAH.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

IT'S FUN.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

IT'S GREAT.

OUR OLDEST IS A BOY AND

FOUR YEARS OLD IS A GREAT AGE

FOR BOYS.

YOU KNOW MY FAVORITE PART ABOUT

OUR FOUR-YEAR-OLD SON IS WHEN

HE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING AND

HE COMES TO THE SIDE OF OUR BED

AND HE LOOKS ME RIGHT IN THE

EYE AND HE SAYS, "I DON'T WANNA

BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE!"

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S AN ANGEL.

I COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD WITH

HIM.

AND OUR DAUGHTER IS SO STUBBORN,

YOU KNOW?

EVER SINCE SHE WAS A BABY--

AND BABIES CAN BE STUBBORN,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE EVEN TRYING TO CHANGE A

DIAPER ON A BABY WHO DOESN'T

WANNA HAVE THEIR DIAPER CHANGED

IS LIKE TRYING TO PUT A PAIR OF

SPANDEX BARBIE SHORTS ON A CAT

IN A JACUZZI.

[LAUGHTER]

I SHOULD REALLY FIND A JOB.

THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH

THREE KIDS.

SO I'M SEEING A CAREER

COUNSELOR.

DON'T.

THIS GUY'S RIDICULOUS.

HE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE

NOT WORKING, IT'S A GOOD TIME TO

DO A LITTLE IN-TRO-SPECTION.

THINK ABOUT YOURSELF AND THEN

GO AHEAD AND ASK THOSE

QUESTIONS YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN

MEANING TO ASK."

I'M LIKE, "OKAY."

LIKE WHEN I EAT CAPTAIN

CRUNCH...

WHY DOES THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH

HURT SO MUCH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHY IS IT YOU GET HOME AFTER A

LONG DAY, YOU TAKE OFF YOUR

SHOES, YOU THINK YOUR FEET

SMELL AND YOUR BRAIN CONVINCES

YOU TO BRING YOUR SOCKS AS CLOSE

TO YOUR NOSE AS POSSIBLE?

[LAUGHTER]

AND WHY DO PEOPLE TAKE BOOKS

INTO THE BATHROOM WITH THEM?

LIKE AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

IF YOU HAVE TIME TO READ ON

THE TOILET YOU'VE GONE IN WAY

TOO EARLY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IF YOUR BUSINESS REALLY

DOES LAST THAT LONG, CALL 911.

GET IN THE JAWS-OF-LIFE AND

GET ON WITH YOUR OWN.

[LAUGHTER]