Tuesday, February 2, 2016

  • 02/02/2016

Dominic Monaghan, Liza Treyger and Mamrie Hart describe stock-photo drug dealers, pitch movie roles for Pope Francis and swipe right on photos of peculiar celebrity singles.

-HARDWICK: All right. Ripped

from today's Internet headlines,it's Rapid Refresh.

(applause and cheering)

Here's a listof your most trendingest topics

on the World Wide Web today.

The first thing we're gonna talkabout is Zen Warriors.

The Golden State Warriorshave been dominating the league

this season thanksto their Bay Area lifestyle.

According to WSJ.com,new trainers came

into the locker roomand shook up the team's menu.

"A smorgasboardof cheeses was swapped out

"for organic chipsmade with avocado oil.

"The players gave up Gatoradeand replaced it

with bottles of water sprinkledwith Himalayan rock salt."

The only way this could bemore San Francisco is

if the entire teamgot gentrified

by millionaire white guysin North Face jackets.

So, comedians,what is another health fad

the Golden State Warriorscould try out? Mamrie.

Um, only eatingcage-free hookers.

HARDWICK:Yes. Points.

(groaning,applause and cheering)

Mm-hmm. Yup.Onto our next topic. Balloon.

Now, guys,pay close attention now.

Is this chinchilla goingto let go of that balloon?

Yes or no?

-Liza. -Never. No.It will hold onto it forever.

HARDWICK:Let's see the tape.

Jack, roll it.Don't do it.

-Don't do it! Don't do it!-TREYGER: Oh, my God.

Don't do it! Don't...! Aah!

(audience groaning)

-(applause)-TREYGER: Oh, no.

We're gonna go backto the instant replay

-so you can relive all of theaction. -TREYGER: Oh, my God.

Here you see the chinchilla isstaring in a very stoic pose.

He's getting very excited.Is he gonna let it go?

And at the last minute,yes, he decides to let it go.

MONAGHAN:Oh, you were that close.

-Oh. -HARDWICK: What you can'tsee the other chinchilla

under the glass tablejerking off the whole time.


-Chris?-HARDWICK: What?

Uh, dare I sayhe's a ghostface chilla?


Yes. I'll give you 100 pointsfor that.

HART:He does. Looks scared.

That was adorable.

HARDWICK: I'm curious. I'll giveextra points to anyone

who has an ideawhat they think the guy said

that made that chinchilla let goof the balloon.

Does anyone have an idea? Liza.

If you let go of that balloon,I'm gonna call Cruella De Vil,

-you (bleep) loser.-HARDWICK: All right.

-Who calls a chinchillaa (bleep) loser? -(laughter)

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

I'm sure you already know this.

Today is the 12th anniversaryof Facebook's founding.

-Whoa! -And like any12-year-old,

it's going through some weirdchanges and is just not as cute

and endearing as it waswhen it was six.

For better or worse, though,the world was forever changed

when Mark Zuckerbergborrowed that idea

from those mutant twins,so in honor of this momentous,

historical event, tonight...

They're mutants, right?They were made in a lab.

They're not totally human.Uh...

Tonight's hashtag is:#BeforeFacebookI.


Examples might be"had never seen a baby"

or "didn't know which TV dog

my aunt identified with"

or "thought 'poking'was something

other than what they mean".

Uh, I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.


Uh, had to masturbateto crude drawings of my exes.



Um, crushed actual candyand had a diabetic scare.

Points. Liza.

Before FacebookI would have never known

that Stacey Dash'sopinions mattered.



(audience cheering, whooping)

Oh, wow.

Uh, before FacebookI didn't have to see

so many ugly baby picturesand like them.

Yes, points.Mame.

Um, before FacebookI didn't know my dad's friend

thought I developedinto a voluptuous young women.

I mean, he's known you sinceyou were a little pea pod.

-That came out of that?-Yeah.

All right.Liza.

Uh, before Facebook I wouldn'thave known getting double teamed

in high schoolwould have led Brittany

to a great career at Walgreens.


Um, before FacebookI begged my friends

to come to my showvia real mail.

You had to send it out,like, weeks in advance.

-So many stairs.-Yeah, points. Dominic.

Uh, before FacebookI didn't realize

how many of my high schoolfriends had become swollen.

Yeah, points.Points.

It's time to playLet's Make A Dealer.

Let's Make A Dealer.

We know so much moreabout the dangers of narcotics

in this country since we startedwaging the war on drugs

45 years ago,though you wouldn't know

by the stock photos that areavailable if you search

for "drug dealers". So I'm gonnashow you and actual stock photo

we found, uh, when we put thesearch term "drug dealers".

For 250 points I want you toanswer a few questions

about this band of misfits.

First up, this greasy bastard.


There's nothing in here.

What else is on his rap sheet?Liza.

Performing magicwith his dick out.


He's gonna make it disappearright into you.

-Points. Mamrie.-That's optimistic.

Um, his crimeis being too cool for school,

aka he can'tgo anywhere near schools.

Yeah, points.Yeah, points.

All right, next one,this Macklemoron.

What is, uh...

What is the nameof this fellow's gang? Liza.

The Aryan Sisterhoodof the Traveling Pants.

Next up, these troubled teens.

These troubled teens.Oh.

HART:Oh, no.

What is the...what is the street term

for the drug he's selling?Mamrie.

Harry Powder.

Yes, points.

This is...This is what I imagine

a 14-year-old Courtney Lovewas like.

And then someone... But then shewas the one that took the...

Little taste of the Harry Powderwill get you under its spell.

I don't know--I suppose I could have just a...

Aah!Look at my (bleep) pussy!

Yeah.Like, it just immediately...

It just...


Uh, Liza.

Molly Ringwald.

Yes, points.Well done.

That was good.That was (bleep) good.


Overpriced Splenda.That's a...

That's a lot, as well,that's a lot in there.

Just giving her a cheapartificial sweetener.

Yes, points.

All right, finally,this dastardly son of a bitch.

Where's he straight outta?Dom.

Oh, yeah, uh, straightoutta the movie Scarf-face.

Yes, very well done.Points.

Very well done.

Before the break, I told youabout Pope Francis'

upcoming film appearance.

I asked you to pitch anothermovie to a Hollywood executive

as his holiness.

Let's hearwhat you came up with.

Dominic Monaghan,let's start with you.

(Italian accent): Okay,so there's a sleepy East Coast

beach town being terrorizedby a huge big fish...

Oh. Steven Spielbe...

Oh, Jaws? Oh, what?!

-No?-All right.

I love that accent.

Uh, Liza, let's...

It's the firstVatican bobsled team.

Um, it's meand my very good buddies,

God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit,

and Dave Franco.



But the team gets disqualified

'cause God's not real.

(groaning, laughter)

-Uh... I mean..-(bleep).

Oh, no.

What if the Pope was like,"Psst, I don't think he's real."

Like, "What?!"


Um, so it'll be a sequelto Hope Floats,

but we'll call it Pope Floats. And, um...

and I play a single motherwho... You know what, screw it,

I just really want to go ona cruise with Harry Connick Jr.

All right.

As we go to our next game,Swipecasting. Swipecasting.

-I've got some work to do here.-Now,

I'm gonna show you a seriesof eligible bachelors

and other types ofeligible things, and I want you

to ring in to swipe leftor swipe right,

but you have to tell us why,all right?

That's the most important thing.First up, Urkel.

Here he is. Yes, Liza.

Swipe right.Nerds eat mad (bleep).

All right.

(cheering and applause)


Next up, Jar Jar Binks.Jar Jar Binks.

Yes, Dom.

Uh, swipe right,'cause I'm an ear guy.

-(laughing): Yeah.Points. Points. -Oh.


Uh, next up, Gronk. Huh?

-Liza.-Swipe right.

I've always wanted to make out

with someonethat was like a cute Shrek.

-Yeah, points.-You know?

(laughing):A cute Shrek.

Next up, Oprah.

-Mamrie.-Uh, swipe right

'cause I want to show herthe cover of my O-face Magazine.

Yes, points.


And she's eating bread again,and I love bread.

What would the coverof that magazine look like?

-Oh, no, no, no.-Okay, all right.

And finally, Drake.

Yes, Mamrie.

Uh, swipe left, becauseda grass is always greener.

Oh, what?!


Oh, my stomach.


Oh, my stomach.