Dangerously Delicious

  • 05/20/2012

Aziz Ansari explores the intersection between sex and food, reveals the difficulties he faces when texting with girls and describes 50 Cent learning about grapefruit.

>> I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP

FOR A FEW YEARS,

AND I THINK IN THE TIME

I WAS IN THE RELATIONSHIP,

ALL DATING COMMUNICATION

WENT EXCLUSIVELY TO TEXT.

YOU CAN'T CALL ANYBODY ANYMORE.

IF YOU CALL SOMEONE,

THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT? ARE YOU ON FIRE?

THEN QUIT WASTING MY TIME.

TEXT ME THAT SHIT."

AND I DON'T LIKE TEXTING PEOPLE,

ESPECIALLY GIRLS.

THERE'S ALWAYS MISCOMMUNICATION

THAT HAPPENS.

THIS IS A SITUATION

I GET INTO ALL THE TIME.

I'LL TEXT A GIRL,

SHE TEXTS ME BACK RIGHT AWAY.

I TEXT HER BACK RIGHT AWAY,

SHE TEXTS ME BACK RIGHT AWAY,

I TEXT HER BACK RIGHT AWAY,

SHE TEXTS ME BACK RIGHT AWAY,

I TEXT HER BACK RIGHT AWAY,

SHE TEXTS ME BACK RIGHT AWAY.

THEN I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, COOL, SO YOU WANNA

GET PIZZA ON TUESDAY?"

AND THEN I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT

JUST HAPPENED?

I KNOW YOU READ THAT SHIT.

YOU RESPONDED TO 20 OTHER

THINGS I JUST SAID.

WHAT, DO YOU NOT

LIKE ME ANYMORE?

YOU DON'T HAVE TWO SECONDS TO

SAY, 'YES, I WANT

TO GET PIZZA,'

OR, 'NO, I DON'T WANT

TO GET PIZZA'?

WHAT, DID YOU CHECK

YOUR PHONE INTO A LOCKER

AND GO RIDE A ROLLER COASTER

FOR A FEW HOURS?

WHAT'S THE DEAL?"

AND AFTER A FEW HOURS OF

NO RESPONSE, I GET REAL UPSET.

AND I JUST WANT TO SEND A TEXT

THAT SAYS SOMETHING LIKE,

"WELL, GUESS WHO JUST GOT

UNINVITED TO THE PIZZA PARTY.

YOU DID,

'CAUSE I HATE YOU NOW."

GIRL ALWAYS WRITES

SOMETHING BACK.

"SORRY, I WAS AT MY NIECE'S

BALLET RECITAL.

WE HAD TO TURN OFF OUR PHONES."

"WHATEVER.

WE'RE DONE.

I FINISHED THAT PIZZA

HOURS AGO.

I WENT WITH MY FRIEND BRIAN.

HE'S NICE TO ME."

I WAS EATING AT ONE OFMY FAVORITE RESTAURANTS

IN NEW YORK NOT TOO LONG AGO,AND I WAS HAVING DINNER

WITH A FRIEND,AND HE'S LIKE, "AZIZ,

WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO?"AND I SAID, "SHUT UP.

50 CENT IS SITTINGOVER THERE, AND I NEED TO HEAR

EVERYTHING HE SAYS."

AND 50 CENT DID NOT DISAPPOINT.

50 CENT THE RAPPERORDERED A GRAPEFRUIT SODA.

THE WAITER BRINGS HIMA GRAPEFRUIT SODA.

AND THEN 50 CENT SAIDTHE GREATEST THING

ANYONE COULD EVER SAYWHEN THEY SEE A GRAPEFRUIT SODA.

HE LOOKS AT THE WAITER,AND HE GOES,

"WHY ISN'T THIS PURPLE?"

AND IT TOOK ME A FEW SECONDS,

AND THEN I REALIZED,"OH, MY GOD.

50 CENT HAS NO IDEAWHAT A GRAPEFRUIT IS.

EXCUSE ME, EVERYBODYIN THE RESTAURANT, SHUT UP.

A WAITER'S ABOUT TOEXPLAIN TO A GROWN MAN

WHAT A GRAPEFRUIT IS."

YOU REALIZE HOW AMAZING THIS IS?

THERE ARE PARENTSTHAT AREN'T THERE

WHEN THEIR CHILDREN LEARNSWHAT A GRAPEFRUIT IS.

I AM THERE FOR THAT MOMENTIN RAPPER 50 CENT'S LIFE.

THIS GUY LEAVES THE RESTAURANT,HE'S GONNA KNOW ABOUT

A NEW FRUIT.

AND THE EXCHANGEWAS JUST GLORIOUS.

THE WAITER STRUGGLINGTO EXPLAIN THE CONCEPT

OF A GRAPEFRUIT TO A MANWHO JUST DIDN'T GET IT.

HE WAS LIKE,"NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THEY'RE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

GRAPE, GRAPEFRUIT.

GRAPE, GRAPEFRUIT."

"I KNOW GRAPES ARE FRUITS.

WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING ITLIKE THAT?"

"NO, IT'S JUST ONE WORD.

'GRAPEFRUIT.'YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST ONE--

IT'S A DIFFERENT--""I GET IT.

GRAPEFRUIT, APPLEFRUIT,ORANGEFRUIT, CARROTVEGETABLE."

"NO, THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL."

AND IT JUST BLEW MY MIND.

HOW DOES 50 CENT NOT KNOWWHAT A GRAPEFRUIT IS?

THIS GUY'S BEEN RICHFOR SO LONG.

HE HAS TO RUN INTO A GRAPEFRUITEVERY NOW AND THEN.

I DO OKAY.

I SEE GRAPEFRUITSEVERY FUCKING DAY.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HESEES A GRAPEFRUIT?

IS HE JUST LIKE...

"WHAT'S UP WITH THOSE ORANGES?

THEY'RE ALL RED AND SHIT.

AND THEY'RE BIG AS FUCK!

THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME WEIRD!

SHOOT THOSE NIGGERS!"[imitates gunfire]

I WAS HAVING LUNCHWITH A FRIEND OF MINE ONCE,

AND I TOLD HIM, "HEY,THERE'S THIS ONE GIRL

THAT WORKS IN THIS RESTAURANT.

SHE'S SO CUTE, BUT I DON'TKNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HER."

AND HE GOES, "OH, MAN,ALL YOU GOTTA DO

IS GO OVER THERE AND BE HONESTWITH HER FOR A MINUTE."

REALLY?

THAT'S ALL I GOTTA DO?

SO I JUST NEED TO WALK OVER--"EXCUSE ME, MISS.

I JUST NEED TO BE REAL HONESTWITH YOU FOR A MINUTE.

I EAT HERE ALL THE TIME,AND WHEN I DO,

I STARE AT YOUR FACE.

AND I IMAGINE US FUCKINGWHILE I EAT MY SANDWICHES.

LET ME KNOW IF YOU'D LIKETO TURN MY FANTASY

INTO YOUR REALITY."

I'M NOT SURE THAT WOULDWORK OUT TOO WELL.

PEOPLE ALWAYS GIVE YOUTHE SAME DUMB ADVICE

IN SITUATIONS LIKE THAT.

THEY'LL SAY THINGS LIKE,"OH, JUST LEAVE HER A BIG TIP."

HOW DOES THAT WORK?

I JUST WALK OVER--"YES, CAN I GET A

MUFFIN, PLEASE?

HERE'S $100.

I THINK YOU KNOWWHAT THAT MEANS.

I'M WILLING TO HAVE SEXWITH YOU FOR THE PRICE

OF $98."

I WAS DOING THAT JOKE ONE NIGHT,AND THIS GUY IN THE

AUDIENCE JUST YELLS,"JUST TELL HER YOU'RE ON TV!"

YEAH.

THERE'S NO WAY I'LLSOUND LIKE A JERK

IF I DO THAT, RIGHT?

"EXCUSE ME, MISS.

I'M ON TV."

[clears throat]I SAID...

I'M ON TV.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOINGON HERE, BUT THIS IS THE PART

WHERE YOU STARTSUCKING MY DICK."

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT SOME DUDESTHINK BEING ON TV'S LIKE.

I JUST WALK INTO BARS...

"WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?

JUST SO YOU KNOW,SOMEONE THAT'S APPEARED

ON TELEVISION IS HERE.

SO IF YOU'RE INTERESTEDIN GIVING ME A HAND JOB

IN THE RESTROOM,LET'S LINE UP TO THE LEFT."

NO.

THAT'S NOT HOWIT WORKS AT ALL.

HOW IT WORKS IS,I WALK INTO A BAR,

AND FIVE DUDES ARE LIKE,"OH, MAN, IT'S THAT BROWN GUY

I SAW ON THAT THING!"[whining groan]

OH, MAN, OH, MAN, BRO,I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE!

YOU GOTTA TAKE A PHOTOWITH ME AND MY PUPPY.

MY PUPPY'S BACK ATMY HOUSE, THOUGH.

WE GOTTA DRIVE THERE.

NOW."

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