Wednesday, August 10, 2016

  • 08/10/2016

Jimmy Pardo, David Krumholtz and Doug Benson read fired-up tweets from the Secret Service, discover a Pokestop shortage in Norway and list reasons #VacationSuckedBecause.

The fallout continues

from the incendiary commentsmade yesterday

by rich-guy-taking-a-dareway-too-far

-Donald Trump, when he...-(laughter)

...seemed...seemed to imply, uh,

encouraging violenceagainst Hillary Clinton.

Not... I mean, he didn'tflat-out say it,

but there was an implication.

CNN captured this GIFof an audience member's

real-time reaction to Trump's

thinly-veiledsecond amendment threat.

Uh, here it is.

Oh. Oh! Ho, ho, ho, ho.

-He sure...-Ho, ho! -That's rich!

He sure crossed a line,Mrs. Claus.

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

-Nice.-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Uh, with an unprecedentedpossible death threat

against a presidential nomineefrom a rival candidate,

the Secret Service leaptinto action,

leaving the White House lawnexposed.

-Uh...-(laughter)

...on social media by releasingthe following tweet.

(reading):

(laughter)

That is mildlypassive-aggressive.

Weirdly, they followed this upwith an Arthur meme captioned,

"When there's an assassinationthreat on Bae."

(laughter, applause)

Comedians...

the tone of the previousTwitter post is pretty annoyed.

What's another exasperated tweet

we might see fromthe Secret Service? Jimmy Pardo.

Hey, @berniesanders,your Uber has arrived.

-HARDWICK: All right. Yeah.-(laughter)

-Please get in it. Please.-Yeah, let's go.

-Moving on.-Uh, Dave Krumholtz.

Hey, @realDonaldTrump,there's only so much we can do,

so shut the (bleep) up.

-HARDWICK: All right. All right.-(laughter, applause & cheering)

Uh, Doug Benson.

The Secret Service is tired oftweets

about the Netflix show Stranger Things.

-We're only on episode two.-HARDWICK: All right, perfect.

Uh, I want to get seriousfor a second.

(laughter)

-BENSON: Is the second over?-Yes.

Now I'd like to talkabout a terrible crisis

in the Norwegian villageof Vindenes.

They're currently living throughan extreme shortage...

Hold on....of Pokestops.

I know.

Let's not get too worked up.Take a look.

It's not easy to play Pokemon GOin our village.

Here in the villageof Vindenes, Norway,

we don't have any Pokestop.

(people groaning and sighing)

How many people expect himto go,

-"Hi, everybody!"-Yeah. -(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

I just imaginethat he's a giant,

and there's,like, normal-size people

that he's justcrushing their village

as he's walking through.

Yeah, there...

There's one right there.

-There's one right there!-There he is! -Little guy.

Run! Run!

KRUMHOLTZ: That guy standingright next to him.

(laughter,applause and cheering)

It just lookslike he's far away.

Anyway, this Pokestop situationis serious,

so (bleep) shut up about it.

(laughter)

Luckily, the general managerof the Norwegian's

Men's Wear-haushas a solution.

Take a listen.

We build a statueon our own.

The world's firstPokemon GO statue

here in our village.

Uh, seriously, havinga convenient Pokestop

is a basic human right.

It's in the constitution,or at least it seems like it is,

with as pissed off as people get

whenever there's a glitchin Pokemon GO.

So I urge all of you...

I don't know what I am saying.I'm (bleep) playing right now.

Right now I am playing'cause there are Pikachus.

-(applause and cheering)-Oh, my God!

PARDO:What you do?

I was just sayingthere's a Pikachu...

-I have... Listen, guys,I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -What?

-(applause and cheering)-Wow.

HARDWICK:Just hang on. Anyway, I...

(laughter)

...urge all of you to watchthis video and share...

share and like and supportin his struggle, which is real.

Comedians, what do you think

are some other stuntsAnders the giant here

has pulled to make his villagego... to make his willage

go wiral?

-(laughter) -Uh, Jimmy.-Two villagers, one cup.

-HARDWICK (laughing): All right.-(audience groaning)

(applause)

Yeah.

David.

Holding an annual "Come (bleep)a Bridge Troll Day."

-(laughter, groaning, applause)-HARDWICK: Once a year.

-Once a year. -Yeah.-Once a year we get together.

Uh, Doug Benson.

Come for the Pokestop,stay for the beanstalk.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: All right. Points.

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause, whistling)

It's mid-August,which means a lot of you

are coming back fromyour vacations refreshed,

recharged, and nursinga third-degree sunburn.

Even a thoroughly plannedrelaxing getaway

can be ruined by somethingas simple as an Airbnb host

watching you undressthrough the eyes of a painting.

-(groans, laughter)-So in honor of the... I know.

Well, it's actually probablyjust drones and hidden cameras,

if you want to be honest.

So in honorof the less fortunate among us,

tonight's hashtag is#VacationSuckedBecause.

Uh, examples might be:Goofy was real handsy;

and: My dad brought alonghis second, secret family.

-(laughter)-I'm gonna put 60 seconds...

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Doug. -Vacation sucked becauseDonald Trump is still a thing.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Mr. Pardo. -We didn't take one.Goddamn Obama!

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-David. -Vacation suckedbecause I came back

with a bad case of (bleep) worm.

(laughter, groaning)

If it could have only beenone of those good cases

-of (bleep)...-Yeah, Actually,

sometimes it's beneficialto your health.

Points to David. Doug Benson.

We didn't have timefor a vacation.

-We could only go on a vacay.-All right, points.

-(laughter)-Mr. Pardo.

Vacation sucked 'cause,I don't know, Chris,

have you ever beento Knott's Berry Farm?

-All right, points.-(laughter, applause)

-David Krumholtz.-Vacation sucked

because I met Elsa and Annaoutside of the Magic Castle

but neither were downto (bleep).

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-All right, I'll give youone more. -Yeah, Jimmy.

Um...

My, uh, my shoe bombswent off prematurely

in the shuttleon the way to the airport.

-(laughter, groaning)-Points.

(applause)

Points. Doug Benson.

My vacation sucked 'causeI met Olaf outside of the Castle

-and he was down to (bleep).-All right.