Tuesday, March 22, 2016

  • 03/22/2016

Jenny Johnson, Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher pose as members of One Direction, list #DogBooks and come up with questions no one should ever ask a smartphone.

Ripped from today'sInternet headlines,

this is Rapid Refresh!

(cheering)

Here's what's trendin'on the triple dubs.

First up, Web Treats.

The Internet and Easterhave come together

in a wild mess of hyperlinksand crucifixion

to createa great new Webby treat

to rot our teeth toin holy celebration.

So what do you thinkthis new snack is?

Rhea.

Poop emoji peep,because it is the best emoji.

-All right. I mean, I thinkthat we'd all love -Yeah.

to see that in peep form,and I'm very happy to announce

that that is exactly what it is!

There it is, a poop emoji peep.

(cheering, applause)

-ESPOSITO: Amazing.-I know my (bleep).

HARDWICK:You do know your (bleep). Yeah.

And it alsomore accurately represents

what peeps taste like, too,to be honest.

Next up, Hulkamania!Hulkamania!

Hulk Hogan took to Twitterto celebrate

his recent legal victoryand $140 million lawsuit

against Gawker with thisnuanced photo right here.

Rrrr!

(laughter)

-Now, the tweet...-(whooping, applause)

The tweet reads:Thank you, God.

I am grateful.Quote, "I am that I am."

Only love. H.H.

Uh, here he is giving a leg dropto the First Amendment.

If you look closely,you can almost see the steroids

coursing through his veins.

(laughter)

Right here.The jury ruled that Gawker

invaded his privacyand our collective nightmares

by publishingthe infamous sex tape, which,

as we've mentioned before onthis show if you didn't see it,

was brought to you by the letterN and the numbers 6 and 9.

-(laughter)-Uh... showing us all

the Hulkster has at leastone racist bone in his body.

So, comedians, for a hundredand forty million dollars,

that's a lot of moneyfor someone who wears

five-dollar tank topsand smells like bronzer sweat.

-So...-(laughter)

what is the Hulkster gonna dowith all that cash?

Rhea Butcher.

Hulk is finallygonna pay everyone back

for all those T-shirtshe ruined.

-Yeah. Points. Points.-They were all rented.

He just, like, didn't care.

Didn't care whohe was destroying.

It was on borrowed time.

Next up, Dock hogs.

The Oregon port city of Astoriahas been having a little trouble

with some unwelcome guests--not the hipsters there,

I'm talking about a differentbunch of slimy creatures

with bad facial hair,sea lions! Sea lions!

-(audience aw'ing)-I know you say "aw" now,

until 2,500 of them are (bleep)on your front lawn.

-(laughter) -Uh,because they've been invading

the city's docks, interferingwith local businesses,

residences have had enough ofthese goddamn obese fish dogs!

So, comedians,which of these things

did port officials useto get rid of the sea lions?

A) A gun.

B) Inflatable wavingneon tube men.

C) The music of Kid Rock.

-(laughter)-Cameron Esposito.

Listen, you and I both knowit's Kid Rock,

but I want it to beinflatable tube men.

And so I will take the loss bysaying it's inflatable tube men.

You are absolutely right--it's inflatable tube men!

-Take a look.-No!

No, I...

Oh, I love that store.

(barking)

HARDWICK:They hate 'em!

And this, my friends,is why you will never see

a sea lion at Toyotathon.You will never see it.

They will not go neara car dealership.

I feel like, as a methodof crowd control,

-this would work all over.-Absolutely. -Yeah, yeah.

Like, everybody's going nutsat a Trump rally

and then just, like...

Oh, my God,inflatable Mexicans! Run!

President Trump was right!

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

You must have been a very goodboy, very, very good boy.

Yes, you are, yes, you are,because it's Puppy Day.

-(scattered whooping)-Let's all...

R... Really, for Puppy Day?

(cheers, barking)

I would expect some...Nice bark. Uh...

Let's all raise a pint of droolto man's best friend,

who sticks by our side even whenwe take away their balls.

Uh, honestly, we probablylove them a little too much.

Creepily so. Take a look.

(speaks Japanese)

This dog has clearlyset some boundaries.

So, to celebrate our storiedlove of pups,

tonight's hashtag is #DogBooks.

Examples might be Love in the Time of Collars

and Me Bark Pretty One Day.

I'm gonna put 60 seconds onthe clock, and begin. Cameron.

The Collar Purple.

Points. Jenny.

James and the Giant Bitch.

Yes, points. Rhea.

Dogenetics by Labradood-L Ron Hubbard.

Well done, points.Rhea.

Bark Fast at Tiffany.

Points. Jenny.

Clifford and the Big Red Rocket.

Points. Cameron.

Grapes of Ruff.

Points. Rhea.

Fetch 22.

Points. That is the perfectplace to end the #HashtagWar.

It is time to playWhat's Your Emergency?

What's Your Emergency?

As we've establishedtime and time again here

on our little program,uh, whomever is in charge

of selectingwhat stock photos are for sale

is most likely very drunk.

For instance, when you searchfor "phone call"

most of the stock photoslook like

some kind of goddamn emergency.So, comedians,

I'm gonna show youone such stock photo,

and for 250 pointsI want you to give me a line

from its accompanying 911 call.

First up, this happy couple.This happy couple.

Cameron.

Hello, 911, we're doinga Scarface role play

and I would likea realistic police raid.

Points.

They really are.

Rhea.

Yeah, uh, 911,my wife and I are stuck

in the first two hoursof a David O. Russell movie.

Points.

Next up, thisworkplace accident.

This workplace accident here.

Rhea.

Yeah, uh, 911, I've beenpromoted, like, ten times

and I still make lessthan this guy.

Points. Points.

Jenny.

Hello, 911, I just

bought Oscar Pistorious' legson craigslist.

Wait a minute.

I'm sorry, Jenny,are-are you sure

you didn't buy that on legslist?

-Oh...-Come on. -No, no!

HARDWICK:No! What?

Guys, we can make fun of him,he did a bad thing.

Next up, these (bleep) clowns.

What are they...Cameron.

Hello, 911...

we've been marooned.

Oh... oh, my God.

Goddamn it. Points.

Yes, yes, yes, points.

Points. Oh, my God damn it.

-'Cause it's red.-HARDWICK: Yeah, I know!

'Cause it's red, Chris.

-I know. -BUTCHER: I get it.-Do you get it?

-BUTCHER: I get it, I get it.-It's red... -All right,

that one... that one got to memore than I thought...

All right, next up,this office pet.

This office pet.

Rhea.

No, I said"flaming hot Cheetos."

All right, points.Points.

Cameron.

Our Scarface role playhas gotten out of control.

Points.Oh, I love the arc on that.

I love the arc on that.

Finally, this rotary phone user.

Rhea.

Oh, my God, 911,we were just messing around

and he got in the hatand he disappeared.

Points.

Points.

You better bring a warren-t.

Huh? Because rabbitsare a warren of...

You laughed at so many puns!

He's calling the cops, theywould have to bring a warren-t!

(bleep) you, you're wrong!You're wrong! No, you're wrong!

No bunny gets you like I do.

Thank you.

You know, you love mea hare more than they do.

Before the break,

I told you with... whileZayn Malik was in One Direction

he was not allowedto grow a beard.

What? It's not so (bleep) hard.

Huh, huh? Huh, huh?

-MAN: ...Hardwick!-Oh, I'm... What? What?

-Bitchin' beard, Hardwick!-Thank you very much

for your bitchin' beard comment.Yes, it is a bitchin' beard.

I can't figure outhow long to keep it.

-Hmm.-(applause)

-I guess... -It's kind ofa mean thing to rub into

-a panel of all women.-I guess that's true.

-I'm sorry. -And it's alsoan actually hurtful thing

to rub into a panel of women.

Itchy.

100 points to Rhea for that.

I asked you to writeyour own harrowing account

of what it was like to be in 1D.Let's see what you wrote.

Rhea, let's start with you.

Well, it wasn't the best,

but it was a nice breakfrom people telling me

I look like Justin Bieber.

Points. Very good. Very good.

Jenny Johnson.

Giving hand jobs to allthose Make-A-Wish kids has me

in the early stagesof carpal tunnel syndrome.

Christ.

Cameron.

I wanted to goin the other direction,

but they were like, "No,

we only go one direction."

As we go to our next gameSiri MD. Siri MD.

A recent study showedthat A.I. assistants

like Siri andMicrosoft's Cortana really suck

when it comes to answeringserious medical questions.

Uh, although, it shouldprobably be no surprise

that you shouldn't trustyour health to the same program

you use to findnearby mozzarella sticks

and anime porn. So, comedians,what are some other questions

you should not trust to thelittle person inside your phone?

In 60 seconds. And begin. Rhea.

Siri, why does Neil deGrasseTyson want to take the joy

-out of everything?-Points.

-Cameron.-Siri,

what's the best way to syncmy wife's period to my period?

Points.

Aren't you just supposed to,like, blow your own hormones

into her face or something?Like... (blowing)

No. No, Chris.Not into her face.

-Jenny. -Siri,how do I get One Direction

-to give me a hand job? Yeah.-All right, points.

-Cameron.-Siri,

what should I dowith this O.J. knife?

Points. Rhea.

Siri, where is the closestdiner, drive-in, or dive?

Points. Jenny.

Siri, do you think Marco Rubiohas stopped crying yet?

-Points. Rhea.-Yeah.

Siri, where in the worldis Carmen San Diego?