Extended - Thursday, January 28, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 01/28/2016

April Richardson, Kyle Kinane and #PointsMe winner Richard Jeter narrate infomercials, sing #CatSongs and highlight the worst of Hollywood in an extended, uncensored episode.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NOW IT'S TIME TO SEE FULL-GROWN

ADULTS ACT LIKE CHILDREN.

IT'S PANDERDOME!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)WE'RE NOT GONNA GO EASY ON YOU,

RICHARD.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: WE'RE POPPING YOURTV CHERRY WITH THE HARD STUFF.

HERE'S A LIST OF THE MOSTTRENDINGEST POLITICAL TOPICS ON

THE WEB TODAY.

THE FIRST THING WE'RE GONNA TALKABOUT IS MARTIN O'MALLEY, ANIMAL

EMPLOYER.

MARTIN O'MALLEY, ANIMALEMPLOYER.

SOME GUY CLAIMS HE'S RUNNING FORPRESIDENT, AND HIS NAME IS

MARTIN O'MALLEY?

OKAY, WHATEVER.

ANYWAY, HE SAID SOMETHINGRIDICULOUS ENOUGH TO GET SOME

ACTUAL MEDIA COVERAGE.

HERE HE IS IN IOWA TALKING ABOUTEMPLOYMENT.

>> OUR NATION'S CREATING JOBSAGAIN, AND WE'RE THE ONLY

SPECIES ON THE PLANET WITHOUTFULL EMPLOYMENT, SO JOBS ARE

IMPORTANT, RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: WHOA.

WHAT THE FUCKING WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)WE'RE THE ONLY SPECIES ON THE

PLANET WITHOUT FULL EMPLOYMENT?

WHAT ANIMALS HAVE JOBS?

(LAUGHTER)I MEAN, I KNOW CNN HIRED THAT

WOLF.

UH...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)I'M JUST KIDDING.

THAT'S ACTUALLY AN ALBINOFUNERAL DIRECTOR.

(LAUGHTER)BUT, CLEARLY, MARTIN O'MALLEY'S

WRONG ABOUT THIS, SO, COMEDIANS,PLEASE GIVE ME A LINE FROM AN

OUT-OF-WORK ANIMAL'S COVERLETTER ON THE JOB SITE GILA

MONSTER.

YES, RICHARD.

>> AS A CAT, I WOULD BE THEPERFECT PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHER,

BECAUSE I, TOO, LARGELY IGNORECHILDREN.

>> HARDWICK: YES. ALL RIGHT.

POINTS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)OFF TO A GOOD START.

APRIL RICHARDSON.

>> AS A PENGUIN, I ALREADY HAVEMY OWN TUXEDO, AND I CAN WEAR IT

WHEN I'M HIRED TO BE A MAÎTRE D'AT YOUR BIG WANGS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)GOOD "BIG WANG" REFERENCE.

>> BIG WANGS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, KYLE.

KYLE KINANE.

>> UH, AS A CAT, I WOULD BE THEPERFECT CONGRESSIONAL BARBER,

BECAUSE I ALREADY SPEND A LOT OFTIME GROOMING ASSHOLES.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS FOR KYLE

KINANE.

ON TO OUR NEXT TOPIC-- MASHUP.

MASHUP.

EH, NOT TO BRAG, BUT OUR LITTLEPROGRAM INSPIRED A "VIRAL VIDEO"

THAT YOU KIDS LIKE TO WATCH ALOT.

YOUTUBE OR DIGI FILM PROUPLOADED IT.

NOW, ONE OF OUR JOKES PROMPTEDTHEM TO CREATE WHAT POLITICAL

MASHUP?

RICHARD.

>> UM, GONNA SAY SARAH PALIN ANDYOSEMITE SAM, BECAUSE SHE MAY

ACTUALLY BE HIS BIOLOGICALDAUGHTER.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S POSSIBLE.

IT'S POSSIBLE.

LET'S ALL FIND OUT TOGETHER.

♪ >> SARAH PALIN'S VOICE:

RIGHT-WINGIN', BITTER-CLINGIN',PROUD CLINGERS OF OUR GUNS, OUR

GOD, AND OUR RELIGION...

ARE YOU READY TO MAKE AMERICAGREAT AGAIN?

>> HARDWICK: YEP.

>> IT'S SO PERFECT.

>> HARDWICK: IT TRACKS.

(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)IT TRACKS.

YEAH.

EH, THE OTHER TWO WERE FAKE, BUTWE REALLY WANTED TO SEE THE

"HILLARY AND THE VELOCIRAPTOR"ONE, SO WE HAD OUR DIGITAL POD

MAKE IT JUST FOR FUN.

>> STAND DOWN.

(DINOSAURS GRUNTING)>> OH, MY GOD.

(HISSES)OH, MY GOD. THE FACES.

>> HARDWICK: THIS...

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)GUYS... HANG ON.

THAT MAKES HER SEEM SO MUCH MOREAPPROACHABLE.

(LAUGHTER)UH, ON TO OUR NEXT TOPIC-- TRUMP

ENDORSEMENT.

TALKING DIAPER FILLED WITHLASAGNA DONALD TRUMP...

(LAUGHTER)...GOT AN ENDORSEMENT FROM

BASEBALL-THROWING RACIST JOHNROCKER THIS WEEK.

BIGOTS GOTTA STICK TOGETHA!

UH, WE CHECKED WIKIPEDIA TO SEEWHAT OTHER CELEBS HAVE THROWN

THEIR WEIGHT BEHIND THETRUMPSTER, AND IT READS LIKE A

ROSTER OF THE INSANE JUSTICELEAGUE.

WELL, YOU GOT TILA TEQUILA, GARYBUSEY, DENNIS RODMAN, TED

NUGENT, MIKE TYSON, HULK HOGAN,AND LOU FERRIGNO.

WOW, THAT'S TWO HULKS!

HE'S LOUSY WITH HULKS OVERTHERE!

(LAUGHTER)IT'S LIKE ALL THE MONSTERS

CHURNED OUT BY OUR CULTURE OFCELEBRITY-OBSESSED SHIT FACTORY

ARE BANDING TOGETHER IN SUPPORTOF ONE OF THEIR OWN, LIKE SOME

VOLTRON ADDICTED TO PAINKILLERS.

COMEDIANS, HOW WILL ANOTHERCRAZY CELEBRITY HELP TRUMP'S

CAMPAIGN?

RICHARD.

>> UH, HONEY BOO BOO'S MOM WILLFREEZE RAND PAUL IN CARBONITE

AND THROW MARCO RUBIO INTO HERSARLACC PIT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

THAT WILL ABSOLUTELY HAPPEN.

KYLE.

>> UH, SUGE KNIGHT WILL OFFER TODANGLE HILLARY CLINTON OVER A

RAILING TILL SHE DROPS OUT OFTHE CAMPAIGN.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(WHOOPING)>> DEATH ROW RECORDS, Y'ALL!

YEAH!

>> THAT'S RIGHT!

>> HARDWICK: APRIL.

>> SUPPORTING HIM IS NOTENOUGH-- HE NEEDS TO BE ON THE

TICKET.

TRUMP-BUSEY 2016!

(CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, ON TO

OUR NEXT TOPIC: FIREHOUSE.

HOMOPHOBIC MEATBALL SANDWICHMIKE HUCKABEE...

(LAUGHTER)...TOOK TIME OFF FROM PRAYING

FOR THE DEATH OF HILLARY CLINTONTO JAM WITH SUPER-RELEVANT ROCK

BAND FIREHOUSE.

YEAH, KIDS LOVE FIREHOUSE. WHOA.

(MAN GROANS)YEAH, I KNOW. YOU'RE A LITTLE IN

AWE AT THE MOMENT.

THEY HAD... THE FIREHOUSE?

YEAH. THE FIREHOUSE.

THEY HAD SOME POWER BALLAD HITSIN THE '90S WHEN YOU WERE ALL

TWO.

UH, BUT NOW THEY LOOK LIKE THIS.

YEE... YO-HO...

(AUDIENCE GROANING)LISTEN, I THINK IT'S REALLY

INTERESTING THAT THEY LET KIMDAVIS PLAY KEYBOARDS.

>> YEAH!

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)THIS BAND LOOKS LIKE WHAT WOULD

HAPPEN IF A BALD SPOT FUCKED ADIVORCE.

(LAUGHTER)UH... HERE THEY ARE WITH TRAGIC

MIKE.

>> YEAH!

>> OH, GOD!

>> HARDWICK: COMEDIANS... AS THEEMCEE OF THIS ROCKIN' SHOW,

INTRODUCE THIS BAND!

APRIL.

>> ALL RIGHT.

WILSON'S THE LEATHER EXPERTS ANDALL OF YOUR DADS PRESENT CIALIS

FEST!

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: WOULDN'T IT BE--

"GIVE IT UP AND KEEP IT UPFOR..."

>> KEEP IT UP FOR CIALIS FEST!

TOTALLY.

>> HARDWICK: RICHARD.

>> PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGETHE EXCUSE YOUR FATHER HAS BEEN

USING TO MISS DINNER FOR THELAST TEN YEARS.

>> HARDWICK: YES. ALL RIGHT.

POINTS.

>> ROCKING OUT IN THE BASEMENT.

>> HARDWICK: KYLE.

>> UH, IT'S FOUR GUYS WHO HAVEFUCKED MORE SINGLE MOMS THAN A

SHUT-DOWN PLANNED PARENTHOOD ANDA GUY WHO WANTS TO SHUT DOWN

PLANNED PARENTHOOD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING)THE ONLY THING THE INTERNET

LOVES AS MUCH AS PORN IS CATS.

UH, BECAUSE EITHER WAY YOU'RESTROKING IT.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT'S HASHTAG...

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT'S HASHTAG ISCATSONGS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:"POOPS, I DID IT AGAIN,"

OR "BLACK HOLE BUTT,"OR ANYTHING BY PUSSY RIOT.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

YES, RICHARD.

>> "I JUST CLAWED TO SAY I LOVEYOU."

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

APRIL.

>> "MY NECK, MY BACK, MY PUSSY,AND MY PUSSY."

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

POINTS. KYLE.

>> "MY SCRATCH FEVER."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)(HARDWICK CONTINUES LAUGHING)

APRIL.

>> "I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMSNINE TIMES."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RICH.

>> UM, "SCENES FROM A CHINESERESTAURANT."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)POINTS. KYLE.

>> "THE WILLIAM TELL OVER-PURR."

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

>> I MEAN...

>> HARDWICK: WAY TO SELL IT ATTHE END THERE. APRIL.

>> YEAH, I KNOW.

>> UH, "LOVE IS A GARFIELD."

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

KYLE.

>> "AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A HOUNDCAT."

>> HARDWICK: YES.

(LAUGHTER)>> STAND PROUD. STAND PROUD.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(WHOOPING)HE'S GIVING ME THAT FACE.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY GIF-O-MERCIAL.

GIF-O-MERCIAL.

MY-MY FAVORITE PART OF EVERYINFOMERCIAL IS WHEN THE SCREEN

GOES ALL BLACK AND WHITE, RIGHT?

SO A TIRED MOM CAN BE LIKE, "HOWAM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE A SANDWICH

WHILE I'M HOLDING ALL THESE"COMMEMORATIVE PLATES AND...

WHY HAS MY LORD ABANDONED ME?"WELL... THANKS TO THE SUBREDDIT

WHERE DID THE SODA GO WE CANENJOY THESE IDIOTIC STRUGGLES

OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN GIF FORM.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A GIF FROMAN INFOMERCIAL FAIL AND FOR 250

POINTS I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME THEVOICE OVER LINE THAT SHOULD GO

WITH IT.

FIRST UP, THIS SLEEPY COUPLE.

THIS SLEEPY COUPLE.

(BELL DINGS)RICH.

>> IS YOUR HUSBAND HAVING ANAFFAIR WITH A HIGH SCHOOL

WRESTLER?

>> HARDWICK: DEFINITELY, POINTS.

BUT SHE SEEMS OKAY WITH IT.

UH, APRIL.

>> CAN YOU NOT GET YOUR HUSBANDTO SHUT UP WHEN HE ALWAYS WANTS

TO TALK ABOUT HIS FEELINGS AFTERSEX?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

>> BORING.

>> HARDWICK: KYLE.

>> UH, DOES YOUR HUSBAND TRY TOCHEW HIS PENIS OFF IN HIS SLEEP?

NOT ANYMORE.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, THISHOUSEHOLD DISASTER.

(BELL DINGS)RICH.

>> ARE YOU TIRED OF GIVING HANDJOBS TO COUNT CHOCULA?

I... I CAN-I CAN NEVER GO BACKTO WORK.

>> HARDWICK: NEVER.

NEVER, BUT IT'S WORTH IT.

POINTS.

YEAH.

UNFORTUNATELY YOU DON'T GET ACASH PRIZE ON THIS SHOW, SO...

UH, APRIL.

>> UM, ENROLL IN OUR TECHNICALCOLLEGE-- CHIPOTLE IS LOOKING

FOR MANAGERS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YUP.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: KYLE.

>> UH, FIRST TIME AT A GERMANDRINKING FOUNTAIN?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

NEXT UP, THIS PARKING LOTENCOUNTER.

>> OH, MY GOD.

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: APRIL.

>> HAVE YOU ALWAYS WANTED TOSHAZAM A FART?

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE ONES.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE ONE.

>> HARDWICK: OH.

OH, MANWICHES.

>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: RICH.

>> DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT ABOOTY CALL IS?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

MM-HMM.

KYLE.

>> UH, UH, ARE YOU A GERMANSOCCER REFEREE WITH SCOLIOSIS?

>> HARDWICK: HOW IS THAT...

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THIS BLESSED CHEF.

WHOA.

(BELL DINGS)YES, UH, RICH.

>> DO YOU PRAY TO WOLVERINE ASYOUR ONE TRUE GOD?

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

UH...

WHEN YOU MAKE THE SALAD, DOES ITHURT?

EVERY TIME.

KYLE.

>> ARE YOU REBA MCENTIRE DURINGA FULL MOON?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

APRIL.

>> ARE YOU TIRED OF TOSSINGSALAD WITH JUST YOUR MOUTH?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

>> I DON'T... I THOUGHT THEYWERE GONNA CARRY ME OUT ON THEIR

SHOULDERS.

>> HARDWICK: YOU THOUGHT THATWAS GONNA...

>> IT'S WEIRD THAT THAT DIDN'THAPPEN.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, THESEFLYING KIDS.

THESE FLYING KIDS.

WHEE.

WOW CUP!

APRIL.

>> HOLY, SHIT, STACEY, WHAT ISIN THOSE DRINKS?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

FINALLY, THIS PRESIDENTIALSCRIBE.

THIS PRESIDENTIAL SCRIBE.

WHAT'S HE DOING?

KYLE.

>> STILL WAITING ON OBAMA FORKS?

>> OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

>> HARDWICK: APRIL.

>> DEAR PLATE, BY THE TIME YOUREAD THIS, TRUMP WILL BE

PRESIDENT.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NO.

NO. POINTS.

>> DOESN'T IT LOOK LIKE HE'SWRITING A LETTER TO THAT PLATE?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, HE'S WRITINGTO THE PLATE.

RICH.

>> IS BARACK OBAMA TELLING YOUTO KILL YOUR NEIGHBORS AGAIN?

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

YES, HE IS.

BEFORE THE BREAK I TOLD YOU THATA THAI AIRLINE IS ALLOWING DOLLS

TO BE TREATED LIKE CHILDREN ONTHEIR FLIGHTS AND I ASKED YOU,

AS THE PILOT, TO MAKE ANANNOUNCEMENT TO YOUR PLANE FULL

OF HAUNTED DOLL CHILDREN.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

RICHARD, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> UH, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN.

I'VE JUST BEEN INFORMED THAT THEDOLL IN ROW 15 HAS BEGUN

CHANTING IN LATIN, SO WE'REGONNA MAKE A QUICK STOP HERE IN

THIS VOLCANO.

I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL.

AND THANKS FOR FLYING THAISMILE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

APRIL.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THESEDOLLS ARE OBVIOUSLY HAUNTED AND

FREAKING US ALL OUT, SO I'M JUSTGONNA GO AHEAD AND FLY US ALL

INTO A MOUNTAIN.

FLIGHT ATTENDANTS, PREPARE FORMOUNTAIN.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

PERFECT.

KYLE.

>> LISTEN, WEIRDOS, I'M GONNAALLOW YOUR VOODOO BABIES ON

BOARD.

JUST DON'T FUCK 'EM.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

AS WE GO TO OURNEXT GAME, CRINGEWORTHY:

HOLLYWOOD EDITION.

CRINGEWORTHY: HOLLYWOOD EDITION.

OUR LOVELY AND HONORABLE#POINTSME WINNER RICHARD IS NEW

HERE TO HOLLYWOOD, BUT, UH... ASYOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO TELL FROM

THE FACT THAT HE'S NOT CURRENTLYMADE OF GREEN JUICE.

BUT HE WILL SOON LEARN THATHOLLYWOOD IS AN AWKWARD PLACE,

WHICH IS WHY OUR SPEED GAMETONIGHT IS CRINGEWORTHY:

HOLLYWOOD EDITION, INSPIRED ALONG TIME AGO BY A REDDITOR

NAMED BOXOFKANGAROOS.

USING ONLY THREE WORDS, PLEASESAY SOMETHING HOLLYWOOD-RELATED

THAT WILL MAKE US CRINGE IN 60SECONDS.

AND BEGIN. APRIL.

>> NEW KARDASHIAN DISCOVERED.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> KYLE.

>> SCIENTOLOGY OPEN HOUSE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RICH.

>> HOMELESS GUY'S SCREENPLAY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> CHARLIE SHEEN'S HERE!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. RICH.

>> CRAIGSLIST CASTING COUCH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. KYLE.

>> VINE STAR'S OPINIONS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

KYLE.

>> VEGAN BLOW JOBS.

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T THINK THOSEARE CERTIFIED VEGAN.

>> NO MEAT.

>> HARDWICK: APES.

>> TOM CRUISE'S GRINDR.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

KYLE.

>> DANE COOK'S MUSIC.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> IS THAT A REAL THING? UGH.

>> HARDWICK: YES, RICHARD.

>> PAUL BLART 3.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.