CC Presents: Doug Williams

  • Season 14, Ep 2
  • 01/11/2010

STRUGGLE TO THE BLACK STRUGGLE.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING, YOU KNOW?

AND WHAT'STHE WHOLE THING ABOUT?

IT'S ABOUT MARRIAGE.THEY WANT TO GET MARRIED.

I SAY, HEY,LET THEM COME ON OVER HERE

AND SEE WHAT A PICNICTHIS REALLY IS THAT WE HAVE.

THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

'CAUSE MARRIAGE IS HARD, MAN.

I'VE BEEN MARRIEDFOR SIX YEARS NOW,

AND I LOVE MY WIFE, ANDWE'RE TRYING TO WORK IT OUT.

THANK YOU. DON'T CLAP, THOUGH.

DON'T CLAP.NO, DON'T CLAP.

BY THE TIME THIS IS AIRED,THIS COULD BE OVER WITH.

I COULD BE --I COULD BE DOING

A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SHOWTWO WEEKS FROM NOW.

SO DON'T CLAP YET.

THE BROTHERS ARE LAUGHING.

THEY KNOW EXACTLYWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

NO, THE REASON I SAY THAT, MAN,

BECAUSE MARRIAGE IS AN OLDINSTITUTION, YOU KNOW?

WE NEED SOME AMENDMENTS.

WE NEED TO UPGRADE MARRIAGE,YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE MARRIAGE WAS BUILTA LONG TIME AGO,

JUST LIKE THE CONSTITUTION.

WE'RE ALWAYS GIVINGTHE CONSTITUTION AMENDMENTS.

WE NEED TO UPGRADE,GIVE MARRIAGE SOME AMENDMENTS.

LIKE THIS IS WHATI THINK PERSONALLY.

I THINK THATYOUR MARRIAGE LICENSE

SHOULD BE LIKEYOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.

I'M SERIOUS.

SERIOUSLY.

IT SHOULD HAVEAN EXPIRATION DATE ON IT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE TO RENEW ITEVERY COUPLE OF YEARS.

AND IF YOU DON'T RENEW IT,IT JUST RUNS OUT.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S OVER.

YOU GET YOUR STUFF,I GET MY STUFF, I HOLLER.

AND THERE'S A LOT OF PRESSUREIN A MARRIAGE,

'CAUSE WOMEN WANT YOU TO GO OUT.

THEY WANT YOU TO PULLYOUR [BLEEP]

THEY WANT YOU TO WORK.

BUT TIMES ARE HARD,ESPECIALLY WITH BROTHERS.

IT'S HARD TO GET A JOB.YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALL LOOKING.

YOU EVER GET DESPERATEWHEN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A JOB?

YOU GET DESPERATE,

AND YOU JUST START LYINGON THE APPLICATIONS.

YOU JUST -- YOU START LYING.

YOU LIE SO MUCH, YOU FORGETWHAT YOU PUT ON THE APPLICATION.

YOU BE IN THE INTERVIEW,AND THEY BE LIKE, "UM...

IT SAYS HERE YOU'RE A CHEMIST?"

[ CHUCKLES ]

"WELL, LET ME LOOK AT THAT.LET ME LOOK AT THAT.

LET ME..."

"YEAH, YEAH.

"YEAH, I'VE HAD SOMEEXPERIENCES WITH BAKING SODA

"AND WATER OVER AN OPEN FLAME,YOU KNOW?

I...I'VE DONE THAT."

"IT SAYS HERE THATYOU'VE WORKED WITH THE STATE?"

"LET ME SEE THAT.LET ME LOOK AT THAT.

"YEAH.

"UH, ACTUALLY, THE CHEMIST JOBLED TO THE STATE JOB.

"THAT'S ALL.

YEAH, I..."

[ CHUCKLES ]"YEAH.

"WORKED THERE ABOUT SEVEN YEARS,THREE MONTHS,

"NINE DAYS, AND FIVE HOURS.

THAT'S WHAT I PUT IN."

WENT DOWN THERETO SUPPORT THE BROTHERS.

YOU KNOW, I LOVE TO SEEWHAT'S GOING ON,

YOU KNOW,IN THE ENTERTAINMENT WORLD.

YOU KNOW, WANDA SYKES.I LOVE WANDA SYKES, MAN.

I'M A HUGE FAN OF WANDA SYKES.LOVE WANDA SYKES.

NOW, AS YOU KNOW,WANDA SYKES CAME OUT

AND ADMITTED THAT SHE WAS GAY.

NOW, I THOUGHT THAT WAS BRAVE.I APPLAUDED HER FOR THAT.

BUT THEN SHE WENT ON "OPRAH,"

AND I HAD A BIG PROBLEMWITH THIS.

SHE STARTED TRYING TO COMPARETHE GAY STRUGGLE

TO THE BLACK STRUGGLE.

AND GAYS ARE DOING THAT.

GAYS ARE COMPARING THEIRSTRUGGLE TO THE BLACK STRUGGLE.

YOU CAN'T COMPARE THE GAYSTRUGGLE TO THE BLACK STRUGGLE.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU CAN'T COMPARE THE GAYSTRUGGLE TO THE BLACK STRUGGLE.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

FIRST OF ALL, Y'ALL GOT A CLOSETTHAT YOU CAN COME IN AND OUT OF

WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT.

[ LAUGHS ]

BLACK PEOPLE --WE AIN'T GOT NO CLOSET

THAT WE CAN COME IN AND OUT OF.

YOU CAN'T GET PULLED OVER BY THEPOLICE 12:00 AT MIDNIGHT LIKE,

"OH, I'D BETTER STAYIN THE CLOSET.

I DON'T WANT TO GETMY ASS BEAT."

YOU CAN'T COMPARE THE GAYSTRUGGLE TO THE BLACK STRUGGLE.

WE MARCHED. WE MARCHED.

Y'ALL HAVE PARADES.

"HEY! HEY!

HEY!"

YOU KNOW HOW FUN A PARADE IS?EVERYBODY LOVES A PARADE.

THE POLICE EVEN HELP YOUORGANIZE THE PARADE.

YOU GET TO PICK YOUR COLORS.YOU GET TO PICK YOUR FLOATS.

YOU GET TO PICK YOUR COSTUMES.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE PICKED?COTTON.

YEAH, THAT'S WHATWE PICKED -- COTTON.

LOTS OF COTTON.

THAT'S WHAT WE GOT TO PICK --COTTON.

LOTS OF COTTON.

AND WE MARCHED.

YOU KNOW HOW HARDTHOSE MARCHES WERE?

YOU KNOW HOW HARDTHOSE MARCHES WERE?

REMEMBER THE MARCHFROM SELMA TO MONTGOMERY?

LET ME TELL YOUHOW HARD THAT WAS.

LET ME TELL YOUHOW HARD THAT WAS.

YOU NEVER HEARD ABOUTTHE MARCH BACK, DID YOU?

NO.

EVEN DR. KING WAS LIKE,"ALL RIGHT, WE PROVED OUR POINT.

PULL THE CAR AROUND.THAT'S IT. I'M DONE."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I ALWAYS TELL GUYS,YOU KNOW --

YOU KNOW,WE THINK THAT WE'RE PLAYERS.

EVERY GUY YOU TALK TO, "YEAH,I'M A PLAYER. I'M PLAYING."

NO, WOMEN ARE THE REAL PLAYERS.

DON'T GET IT TWISTED.DON'T GET IT TWISTED.

[ APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW WHY WOMENARE THE REAL PLAYERS?

'CAUSE WOMEN CAN LIE.

A WOMAN CAN LOOK YOU IN THE EYEEVERY DAY

AND TELL YOU A LIEAND NOT FLINCH.

WE CAN'T DO THAT, FELLAS.WE GET NERVOUS, DON'T WE?

YOU GET NERVOUS.YOU START STUTTERING.

YOU CAN'T STAND STILL.

YOU EVER HAVE YOUR WOMANJUST SPRING A QUESTION ON YOU?

YOU EVER YOUR WOMAN JUST, LIKE,

PICK UP YOUR CELLPHONE ANDBE LIKE, "HEY, WHO IS CHERYL?"

YOU BE LIKE...[ STAMMERING ]

"OH, OOH, OOH, OOH,OOH, OOH, OOH."

'CAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO THINK,"WHO IS CHERYL?"

[ CHUCKLING ]

"AND WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEI WAS WITH HER?"

BE LIKE, "OOH, OOH, OOH.IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE. WAIT."

YOU EVER TRY TO DO THATWITH YOUR GIRL?

WOMEN DON'T FLINCH.

I DON'T CARE WHEN YOU GOTO THEM,

HOW FAST YOU GO TO THEM,THEY REMAIN CALM, DON'T THEY?

YOU EVER JUST GRABYOUR GIRL'S CELLPHONE?

YOU BE LIKE, "HEY, HEY!

WHO IS FRANK?!WHO IS FRANK?!"

THEY BE LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL,DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE THAT.

"YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN.DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE THAT.

MNH-MNH. MNH-MNH."

"DON'T DISRESPECT ME LIKE THAT.

AND THEN THEY'LL FLIP ITAND TURN IT ON YOU.

"SEE, YOU'VE BEEN OUT THERE,RUNNING AROUND.

"NOW YOU'RE GOING THROUGHMY STUFF.

"THAT'S YOUR CONSCIENCE.THAT'S YOUR CONSCIENCE.

THAT'S YOUR CONSCIENCE."

YOU END UP SAYING,

"WHOEVER FRANK IS,DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.

"ALL RIGHT, JUST...

WHOEVER. JUST LET HIM GO.I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT."

YOU KNOW, MORE AFFECTIONATE.

YOU KNOW,I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

LIKE BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED,

SHE WOULD GO [BLEEP]ALL THE TIME.

NO, I'M SERIOUS.YOU NOTICE THAT?

BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED,SHE WOULD GO [BLEEP]

BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED, SHE WASLIKE A GOOD HEALTH PLAN.

I HAD FULL COVERAGE.YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

ONCE WE GOT MARRIED,SHE TURNED INTO AN HMO.

SELECTIVE COVERAGE, YOU KNOW?

[ CHUCKLES ]

I WAS LIKE, "HEY.

"IF YOU KEEP THIS UP, I'M GONNAHAVE TO GO OUTSIDE THE NETWORK.

"I'M GONNA TELL YOU THAT.

"GOT A LOT OF PLANS OUT THERETHAT COVER EVERYTHING.

I JUST...PUT THAT OUT THERE."

'CAUSE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED,YOU KNOW,

YOU ONLY GET TO HOOK UPON SPECIAL OCCASIONS.

IT GOT TO BE A SPECIAL OCCASIONFOR YOU TO GET TO HOOK UP,

YOU KNOW?

VALENTINE'S DAY, YOUR BIRTHDAY.

I TRIED TO SLIDE HALLOWEEN IN,AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"HEY, WAIT A MINUTE --THAT AIN'T A SPECIAL OCCASION."

I SAID, "COME ON, BABY.

"BE A TRICK AND GIVE ME A TREAT.

"COME ON, BE A TRICKAND GIVE A BROTHER A TREAT.

COME ON, BABY."

[ LAUGHS ]

OF MY PEOPLE.

I SUPPORT MY PEOPLEEVERY CHANCE I GET.

I DON'T CARE WHAT KINDOF BUSINESS YOU HAVE,

I SUPPORT YOU.

LIKE, I TRIED THE VIAGRA.

ANYBODY EVER TRY THE VIAGRA,ANY FELLA?

OH, I'M THE ONLY ONE AT ALL?

BILLION-DOLLAR INDUSTRY.THEY'RE JUST GETTING MY MONEY.

OKAY. I'LL GO WITH THAT.I'LL GO WITH THAT.

BUT I TRIED THE VIAGRA,BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?THIS IS LIKE $20 A PILL.

I CAN'T AFFORD THAT.

BUT THANK GOD FOR THE HOOD,MAN.

LET ME TELL YOU WHY.I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE I DON'T CAREWHAT THEY COME OUT WITH

ON THE OPEN MARKET,

THEY GOT A PRODUCT JUST LIKE ITIN THE HOOD.

MAN, I WENT DOWN TO HARLEM.

THERE'S A BROTHER DOWN THERE

GOT SOME PILLSLOOK JUST LIKE VIAGRA.

THEY'RE CALLED "MAN UP."

HAVE YOU EVER HEARDOF THESE PILLS? MAN UP?

NO, I'M SERIOUS.IT'S CALLED MAN UP.

NOW -- NOW...NORMALLY,

I DON'T BUY DRUGS FROM THE HOOD.

I TRY TO...

BUT THIS BROTHERHAD A GREAT SALES PITCH.

HE WAS LIKE, "LOOK,THIS IS ALL-NATURAL."

TOLD ME NOT ONLYWOULD IT GIVE ME AN ERECTION,

BUT IT WOULD ALSOCLEAN OUT MY COLON.

I SAID, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

THIS IS A BAD PILL.IT'S A DUAL EFFECT, YOU KNOW?

I SAID, "HEY, MAN,GIVE ME SOME OF THAT.

I GOT TO HAVE THAT."

SO I TOOK IT HOME,AND, JUST LIKE HE SAID,

I GOT AN ERECTIONWITHIN FIVE MINUTES.

MAN, I HAD MY WIFE.I SPREAD HER OUT.

I WAS GETTING READYTO TAP THAT ASS...

...BUT HE NEGLECTED TO TELL ME

THAT IT WORKED AT THE SAME TIME.

[ GRUNTING ]

I WAS HITTING IT.

MY STOMACH SAID --B-L-L-L-L-LIP.

"BOY, THAT'S REALLY A WEIRDFEELING TO GET RIGHT NOW.

OH, OH, OH, OH, OH,OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!"

[ LAUGHS ]

I STAYED ON THE TOILETALL NIGHT LONG.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT ISTO SIT ON THE TOILET

WITH AN ERECTION?

YOU GOT TO HAVE PERFECT POSTURE.

YOU GOT TO...

YOU MESS AROUND AND SNEEZE,YOU'LL STAB YOURSELF TO DEATH.

YOU HAVE TO -- YOU GOT TOSIT LIKE THIS THE WHOLE TIME.

YOU KNOW, CHANGE MY HABITS

WITH MY WIFE AND, YOU KNOW, GETA WHOLE DIFFERENT VIBE GOING,

'CAUSE I'M REAL PROUDOF MYSELF, MAN.

IT'S BEEN -- IT'S BEEN THREEMONTHS, FOUR DAYS, AND SIX HOURS

SINCE I LAST MASTURBATED.

AND TO ME -- NO, TO ME,THAT'S AN ACCOMPLISHMENT.

FELLAS, YOU KNOW THAT'S HARD.

THAT'S THE HARDEST THINGIN THE WORLD TO STOP, ISN'T IT?

IT'S HARD TO STOP.

BECAUSE AS LONG AS YOU'RE OUTWITH FRIENDS, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

BUT WHEN YOU GO HOMEAND YOU GET BY YOURSELF,

YOUR HAND BECOMES LIKE A PUPPET,DOESN'T IT?

"HEY, NOBODY HERE BUT US NOW.

LET ME BREAK YOU OFFA LITTLE SOMETHING SOMETHING."

"PLEASE, NO, NO, NO."

IT'S TORTURE, ISN'T IT?IT'S TORTURE.

'CAUSE WHEREVER YOU GO,YOU GOT TO CARRY YOUR HANDS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

CAN'T GET RID OF THE HAND.

AND WHAT GOT ME IS, MAN,MY WIFE CAUGHT ME.

THAT IS EMBARRASSING.

MY WIFE TREATED THE WHOLE THINGLIKE A STING OPERATION.

I GOT IN THE BATHROOM.I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONE.

AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU THINKYOU GOT THAT EXTENDED TIME,

YOU STRETCH OUT.

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH."

"I'M ABOUT TO DO THIS."

MAN, SHE KICKED THAT DOOR OPENLIKE A SWAT TEAM.

SHE WAS LIKE, "POW!"

AND ALL I COULD DO WAS MAKETHAT NERVOUS LAUGH, LIKE...

"OH, SNAP!

OH, OH!"

I'M LIKE, "YOU GOT ME."

YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING,LIKE, "TA-DA!"

AND THEN SHE JUST STOOD THERE.

SHE JUST LOOKED AT MEWITH DISGUST,

LIKE I HAD DONE A CRIMINAL ACT.

SHE JUST...

...AND THEN JUST WALKED OFF.

LET ME TELL YOU LADIESSOMETHING.

LET ME TELL EVERY LADYIN THIS ROOM THIS.

IF YOU WALK IN AND YOU CATCHYOUR MAN MASTURBATING,

YOU DON'T JUST LEAVE.

YOU DON'T JUST WALK OFF.

THAT SHOULD BEA CODE-RED SITUATION.

THAT SHOULD BE CODE RED!

YOU SHOULD GO RIGHT INTO ACTION.

YOU SHOULD BE LIKE,"OH, MY GOODNESS.

"I DIDN'T KNOWIT HAD GOTTEN THIS BAD.

"I DIDN'T KNOW!MOVE YOUR HANDS!

"MOVE YOUR HANDS.MOVE, MOVE.

"MOVE. MOVE YOUR HANDS,MOVE YOUR HANDS.

NOW RELAX, RELAX, RELAX, RELAX,RELAX, RELAX, RELAX."

I JUST GOT BACKFROM ANOTHER COUNTRY.

JUST GOT BACKFROM THE SOUTH BRONX, MAN.

[ SCOFFS ]

THE DOGS BARK IN SPANISHOVER THERE, DON'T THEY?

"CARRO, CARRO, CARRO, CARRO."

YOU GO, "HEY."

ANY PUERTO RICANS IN HERE,RELAX.

DON'T WANT NONE JUMPING OFFAFTER THE SHOW.

YOU KNOW, YOU GET PARANOID,

ESPECIALLY NOW WITH EVERYTHINGTHAT'S GOING ON.

THEY GOT -- I THINKTHESE ARE LAST TIMES, MAN.

THE BIBLE TALKEDABOUT ALL THIS STUFF.

WHAT'S THIS THING YOU GOT?THERE WAS THIS PIG FLU.

WHAT IS THIS, THE PORK FLU?YEAH, SWINE FLU.

SCARY, ISN'T IT?

I MEAN, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOWWHO TO TRUST.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN BEDOING SOMETHING, LIKE, SIMPLE

LIKE MAKING LOVE TO SOMEBODY,LIKE, "YEAH.

"THAT'S WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT. YEAH.

UH-HUH. PUT YOUR LEGRIGHT THERE."

AND THEY MESS AROUND AND COUGHAND MESS UP EVERYTHING, RIGHT?

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH,PUT YOUR LEG RIGHT THERE."

[ COUGHS ]

"EXCUSE ME?"

[ LAUGHS ]

"HOW LONG YOU BEEN COUGHINGLIKE THAT?

"DID THAT JUST START TODAY?

"THAT SOUNDED KIND OF MUCOUS-Y.YOU WANT TO SPIT RIGHT THERE?

LET ME SEE WHAT COLOR THAT IS."

[ LAUGHS ]

SCARY, MAN.

YOU GOT TO WEAR YOUR CONDOMS,TOO, FELLAS.

PUT YOUR CONDOMS ON.AND GET A GOOD CONDOM.

YOU KNOW. DON'T BE --

DON'T BE...

DON'T BE IN SUCH A RUSHTHAT YOU STOP BY THE GAS STATION

AND GET ONE OF THEM CONDOMS.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,YOU EVER BEEN MAKING LOVE,

LIKE DOING YOUR THING?

YOU PUT YOUR CONDOM ON,YOU'RE DOING YOUR THING,

AND IT'S FEELING REAL GOOD.

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,IT STARTS FEELING BETTER,

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MAN."

"THIS IS A GREAT CONDOM."

AND THEN WHEN YOU FINISH,YOU LOOK DOWN,

AND ALL YOU SEE IS THAT RINGAROUND YOUR PENIS.

[ SCREAMS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT,

YOU BE TRYING TO FIND THE RESTOF THAT CONDOM, DON'T YOU?

YOU TURN INTO A GYNECOLOGIST.

LIKE, "HEY, YOU'RE GONNAHAVE TO OPEN UP.

I GOT TO GO IN.I GOT TO GO IN."

[ CHUCKLES ]

THEN LIKE NINE MONTHS LATER,

THE BABY IS BORNWITH A WHITE CAP.

YOU'RE LIKE, "THERE GOTHE CONDOM RIGHT THERE.

THERE IT IS, RIGHT IN THERE.I JUST..."

GOT TO BE CAREFUL, MAN,YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE EVERYBODY'S --SEX HAS GROWN NOW,

BECAUSE THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD,YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO DO ANYTHINGBUT HAVE SEX.

I'M SERIOUS. THE ECONOMYHAS GOTTEN BAD, HASN'T IT?

THE ECONOMY HAS GOTTEN SO BAD,

MEXICANS ARE TRYING TO SNEAKBACK INTO MEXICO.

THAT'S HOW BAD THINGSHAVE GOTTEN.

THAT'S BAD.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND OBAMA'S THE SAVIOR.EVERYBODY WANTS OBAMA, OBAMA.

YOU KNOW, SAVE, SAVE, SAVE.I LOVE WHAT OBAMA'S DOING.

AND ALL THE BROTHERS --

ESPECIALLY BROTHERSIN PARTICULAR --

I SAY, "HEY,WE HAVE TO HELP OBAMA.

EVERY BLACK MAN,WE GOT TO RAISE OUR GAME NOW."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?RAISE YOUR GAME.

GET YOURSELF TOGETHER.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND, HEY, AND BLACK PEOPLE,I KNOW WE'RE PROUD.

WE'RE PROUD THAT OBAMA'S IN,BUT WE GOT TO CALM DOWN.

NO, I'M SERIOUS.WE GOT TO CALM DOWN.

EVERYBODY IS NOT A RACIST.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WE GET OFFENDED EASY NOW,DON'T WE?

I WAS IN THE SUPERMARKETLAST WEEK,

AND THIS LITTLE, OLD WHITEWOMAN, ABOUT 80 YEARS OLD,

CAME IN AND ASKEDTHIS BROTHER, SAID,

"UH, CAN YOU SHOW MEWHERE THE WATERMELONS ARE?"

THE BROTHER SNAPPED.

HE SNAPPED.

HE WAS LIKE, "OH, WOW.

"I GOT TO SHOW YOUWHERE THE WATERMELONS ARE.

"EVERYBODY ELSE IN HERE,

YOU GONNA COME ASK MEWHERE THE WATERMELONS ARE?"

I HAD TO JUMP IN.I'M LIKE, "BROTHER, CALM DOWN.

"YOU WORK HERE.

"IT SAYS ON THE NAME TAGRIGHT THERE.

"ROBERT, CALM DOWN, MAN.

"CALM DOWN, ROBERT.

CALM DOWN, ROBERT."

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