Monday, February 22, 2016

  • 02/22/2016

Gillian Jacobs, Claudia O'Doherty and Paul Rust of the series "Love" give chapter titles to erotic novels, explain why #ILoveBaeBut and put an infectious twist on hit songs.

Ripped from today's headlines,

-it's Rapid Refresh.-(cheers and applause)

Just a little graphic.

These are the trendingest topicsupward most

on the graphof Web relevance today.

First topic is 1984.

We all got a glimpseof our future

when Mark Zuckerbergposted this photo

on his Facebook page,of course, on Sunday.

(laughter)

"This is the real world."

(laughter)

Like, in The Matrix, except in this matrix,

it's powered by dadsand masturbators.

-(laughter)-Uh, being used as batteries.

The jerking motion generatesa lot of BTUs,

which power the robots thatactually control our planet.

Comedians, what are theywatching on those VR headsets?

Claudia.

Probably, like, a simulation

of what it would be liketo work with a woman.

HARDWICK:Yeah, all right.

(laughter, applause & cheering)

Uh, Paul Rust.

I think it's a videoof Mark Zuckerberg

walking down an isle calmlywearing a grey shirt.

-HARDWICK: All right. Points.-(laughter)

-(applause)-Yup.

So immersive.

Onto our next topic--Hitler's last day.

Hitler's last day.Everybody knows

Hitler only had one testicle.Did you know that?

Did you know that?Well, now you do.

Uh, talk aboutlow-hanging fruit.

But it turns out,one ball wasn't the only thing

making him nuts.

-According to...-(laughter)

Just let it go.

According to the historianswho were trying not to laugh,

what otherembarrassing situation

did Hitler have going onin his Hitler pants?

A) A micropenis.

B) A second emptyvestigial scrotum.

C) Uncontrollable flatulence.

-Gillian.-He had a micropenis.

HARDWICK:Let's find out.

-It is... a micropenis!Yes! -Oh.

(applause, indistinct chatter)

Silence!

(with German accent): Hitler hada tiny deformed penis.

(laughter)

-Just...-I would kill for a micropenis.

HARDWICK:What? Why?

(laughter)

I have a...I have a nano penis.

-Nano penis.-HARDWICK: Yes, okay, got you.

We actually do have a photoof Hitler's tiny deformed penis.

It looks like this.There it is. Um...

-Now...(laughter & applause)

(with German accent):Oh. This is...

I've never seen...

(no accent):According to the book,

Hitler's Last Day: Minute by Minute,

Hitler also had a conditioncalled hypospadias,

which, um, is...

I don't know if you knowwhat this is.

The pee hole is locatedon the underside of the shaft

rather than the tip.

-Ooh. -(audience groaning)-HARDWICK: So this guy was

-a disaster down there.-(laughter and groaning)

History's greatest monsterhad to pee sitting down.

-(laughter) -Every timehe had to have a wee.

And, uh, conversely,

-Gandhi had a big old dong.-HARDWICK: Yeah, big dick.

Gandhi had a big...

He win a Nobel Prize with thatbig dick, Gandhi, you know...

All right, onto our next topic--Gronk's party ship.

-Gronk's party ship.-Mm.

NFL superstar and real-lifeEncino Man, Rob Gronkowski,

has been keeping himself busythis off-season

by hosting his own party cruise.

Hey, it's Rob Gronkowski here,

and I wantto personally thank you

for bookingat Gronk's party ship.

We got some wild activities

for you to participate inwith me and my family.

(laughter)

Thanks for taking the time

to film your official videoin a porn closet.

Here's some footage we foundof cruise-goers having fun!

♪ So I reach for my 40and I turn it up ♪

♪ Designated driver takethe keys to my truck. ♪

♪ It's goin' down for real.

You know, I bet youcould just stitch together

the Instagram videosfrom that cruise

and make an entirelyother Entourage movie.

-(laughter)-Uh...

I would honestly ratherbe dropped alone in Syria

-than spend five minutes...-(laughter)

on that jizz boat.

Uh... we're worriedthat the cruise

isn't meeting safety standards,because if you look at it,

it does not... it...

Basically, people are goingto die on this cruise.

So, comedians,what are various ways

people could die on this cruise?Gillian.

Uh, mistaking the backed-uptoilet waste for chili.

(laughter, groaning)

Just think about it.

There's probablysome blood in there,

so it's gonna look red,like tomato-based chili,

and there will bevarious unidentifiable chunks.

It's now timefor our #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

Communication's changingthese days.

If you've got a grievancewith your significant other,

sitting down like adultsand talking it out

is so early 2000s.

If you really wantto let your partner know

what's bugging you, call themout online for everyone to see.

That is why tonight's hashtagis #ILoveBaeBut.

Examples might be:

I wish her cat mouthcould form actual words.

(laughter)

Some of us are lonely.

Uh, I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Gillian.-I love bae,

but she goes throughtoo many batteries.

-Points.-(laughter, applause)

Mm.

Paul Rust.

I love bae, but not bae's butt.

All right, points.

-Claudia. -I love bae,but she makes me call her "bae,"

which makes mereally uncomfortable

-'cause I'm not 14.-Yeah. Points.

Paul Rust.

I love bae,but she crashed her plane

circumnavigating the globe.

She's Amelia Earhart.

-(laughter)-Points.

-Claudia.-Um, I love bae,

but he's engagedto Lydia Hearst.

-Yeah. Aw...!-Oh!

Definitely points.

Um, Gillian.

I love bae, but I think we gotto go our separate... baes.

-(laughter, groans)-Going for the groaners.

-(applause) -All right, I'mgonna give you points for that.

-Claudia.-I love bae,

but I think his vision forTransformers has grown stale

and he should handthe franchise...

(laughter, applause)

Points.

-Paul Rust.-I love bae,

but I say "potato"and she says "po-tah-ters."

-(laughter)-(buzzer sounds)

Hmm. Hmm.

It's time to play Amazon'sBook Fair: Pulp Erotica Edition.

(cheering)

In the pre-digital age,our ancestors were forced

to whack off to dirty books

they found in a moldycardboard box in the woods.

So, comedians, I'm gonnashow you covers we found

on pulpcovers.com--they're a collection of books

our perverted grandparentsused to beat the dicks

to beat the Nazis to.

-(laughter)-And for 250...

(German accent): UnlikeHitler's tiny, deformed penis!

(laughter)

It was like a little pieceof candy corn

on top of a rice ball!

(laughter)

Sorry, I forgot where I was.

Uh... I would like youto give me a chapter

from each erotic pulp novel.

First up-- Three Women, featuring two women.

-Mmm. -(laughter)-uh, on... on the cover. Paul.

Chapter one: "Six Boobs."

(laughter)

JACOBS:Yes!

-(applause)-Points.

-Claudia.-Um, chapter one:

"Where Did Judy Go?We Really Miss Judy."

(laughter)

Where's that third woman?

"An intimate pictureof women in love...

with each other!"

-(laughter)-(groans)

-Uh, Gillian.-Uh, chapter three:

"Should We Just Startwithout Her?"

-Yeah. Points.-(laughter)

Yup.

Next up, Thy Neighbor's Ass.

Oh, that sounded weird.

I just meant...I meant coming up next,

Thy Neighbor's Ass.

Not "next,up thy neighbor's ass."

-Gillian. -Uh, Chapter two:"Covet It and Shove It."

Yeah, poi...

Thy Neighbor's Ass.

Paul Rust.

Chapter four:"It Smells Like Poop."

And the poop

wasn't made in this house.

It came from

thy neighbor's ass.

Next one, next one.

The Hayseed and the Hooker. The Hayseed and the Hooker.

This seems to bea hayseed gentleman

and a hookingprofessional here,

getting readyto do some business.

Paul Rust.

Chapter eight:"Plowing Dem Fields."

All right. Points.

You meant "chapter ate,"A-T-E, I assume.

Uh, Claudia.

Um, chapter three:"What Is on Her Shirt?"

Next up, The Girls at Wendy's.

Uh... Gillian.

Chapter nine:"I (bleep) Dave Thomas!"

I don't knowif anyone's said that.

Paul Rust.

Uh, chapter nine:"Employees Must Wash Fists."

Hi, Mom.

Finally, Backwoods Shack.

"The realistic storyof a love-hungry girl

-of the Florida scrublands."-(Gillian groans)

Oh, what else can you doin the scrublands

other than get (bleep)?

Claudia.

Uh, chapter one: "The UnsettlingSequel to 'Love Shack.'"

Points.

♪ It's a backwoodsshack, baby! ♪

Before the break

we showed you an interviewwith 110-year-old

brassy birthday galFlossie Dickey

and I asked you to give a quote

that was lefton the cutting room floor.

Let's see what you came up with.

Welcome to Good Day Spokane. We're here with Flossie Dickey

and we're celebratingher 110th birthday,

because she just won't die.

All right, Flossie,any drawbacks

to living such a long life?

I figured the worst part ofselling my soul to the devil

for eternal lifewould be watching everyone

I know and lovedie around me.

But it turns out the worst partis living long enough

to be on the morning news.

Flossie, how do youstay so energetic?

Please leave me alone so I canfinish my cup of poison.

Flossie,s-so what's your secret?

I haven't been able to smile

since the Crucifixion.

All right.

Back to you... Frank.

As we go to our next game,Disease Songs. Disease Songs.

Everybody's all worried aboutthe spread of the Zika virus.

Luckily, JamaicanYouTube sensation and OB/GYN

Michael Abrahams is teachingpeople in affected areas

with Wi-Fiall about virus prevention

with this viral video!

♪ Zik Vinna de Caribbean territory ♪

♪ But we no want that virustake set pon we ♪

♪ Bore hole inna de tindem yu dash way ♪

♪ And change the waterinna your vase every day. ♪

So just do all that (bleep)and you're fine!

That is catchy,the song and the disease.

So in the spirit of this,comedians, I would like you

to name as many disease songsas you can in 60 seconds.

Examples may include"True Choleras"

and "My Neck, My Back,My Pussy, and Malaria."

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock. And begin.

-Claudia.-"Tiny Cancer."

Yes, points. Gillian.

Anything by the Cure.

Points. Paul.

♪ Whoomp! There It AIDS

All right, points. Gillian.

"Die Like an Egyptian."

Points. Claudia.

"It's Raining Meningitis."

Mwah. Points.

Paul Rust.

-"Shingle Bells."-Points.

Gillian.

♪ Simply IrresistibleBowel Syndrome ♪

-Points.-Thank you.

-Claudia.-"Get Out of My Dreams

and Getinto This Containment Suit."

Yes, points. Very well done.

Paul.

Uh, "I Just Calledto Say I'm Positive."

(buzzer sounds)