To Catch a Paparazzi

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 04/15/2015

After meeting Cuba Gooding Jr. in rehab, Jack and Ben begin developing a TV show to pitch to him.

Oh, don't trip, I ain't goin'nowhere. Don't you go nowhere.

Hah-hah-hah!Where's Cuba?

Yessir!

You're missing a hellof a party, big bro.

I'll be right in, Big O.

Man, you need to ease upoff of that [BLEEP].

Mother[BLEEP], I saidI'd be right in!

I'll shoot you in yourmother[BLEEP] face!

You're right... my fault.You got it.

Stu, tell me you got some goodnews for me, my brother.

STU (OVER PHONE): They went with someone else, Cuba.

All right, you know, I'm sorry, Cuba.

What do you want me to do, huh?

You know, Spielberg said thatyou stole $50 out of his walletduring the meeting?

What? Did you?

Cuba, are you high right now?

That's besides the point!

That is not besides the point!That is exactly the point, man.

Nobody's gonna work with you, unless you get sober.

No, you have to sucka [BLEEP] and hiccup!

That's what the [BLEEP]you gotta do.

Finger [BLEEP] mein a duck suit!

I don't want to have to talkabout a damn thing, but yourmomma in my drawers!

Look, Cuba, you gottalisten to me now, okay?

Nobody's gonna want to workwith you until you get sober.

Listen, Stu! Listen to mefor a second, man!

You gotta understandsomething, man!

I'm in a real bad way,I got into--

I got into some trouble withsome real serious people, man!

I just need you to look outfor me a little bit.

I can't look out for you until you get sober, okay?

You need to check yourself intorehab and then I can help you.

Trust me.Fine. Fine!

But it's gotta be quick,and somewhere discreet.

Whoo!

There he is.

Okay, okay, don't say anything.All right.

Just let me do all the talking.

I know how to handlecelebrities.

Being cool, I'm cool.Okay.

Show me the money!

Hey, man, is it Cuba or Cooba?I've always wondered--

That's not my name.My name is Tom Watkins.

Understands me?

Uh, Mr. Good-- Watkins, we--we didn't mean anything by it.

We just wanted to welcome youto the facility. Please, pl--

If I wanted to hear somethingfrom you, I'll rattle my zipper.

What?You like to talk?

Repeat after me... chestnuts!

Chestnuts.Walnuts!

Walnuts.Chin nuts.

Chin nuts.No, that's a [BLEEP]in your mouth.

Chestnuts... walnuts...

Okay, it's-- he's-- I thinkhe's purple, he's purple.

He's purple.Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's just, uh, you know, if thepaparazzi knew I was here...

it'd be a real problem for me.

Oh, it's the paparazzi.

Yeah.Yeah.

Listen, let's just keep mebeing here between us.

All right, you feel me?Yes, absolutely, Mr. Watkins.

You feel me? You feel me?Yeah, I feel you.

I know you see me,but do you feel me?

Oh, yeah, I feel you.You feel me?

Yeah.Then why you still here?

No, no, okay, okay.You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

Okay, so good to meet you.

So good to--it's great to meet you... Tom.

Have a good one.It's good to meet you, Tom.

Oh, my god.Y'all have a blessed day.

Well, I'd like to report thatmy crack fixation, it's gone.

I took Phil's adviceand I found myself a hobby.

I've been producing my owntoilet cam videos.

Psst... hey.Some people call them"vids" for short.

It's actually a passionof mine, that I--

I wa-- I wantedto apologize about before.

And also, what I forgotto mention was that we arein the biz, okay?

In a major way, so it's cool,no worries.

Yeah.

Uh, anyway, it's assimple as it sounds...

just online videos of peopledefacating and urinating...

and wiping and masturbating--

And actually, on that--on that note, um...

I have an idea for a showthat I think is gonna reallyinterest you.

Okay, it's calledTo Catch a Paparazzi.

It stars you. You invadepaparazzi houses.

You take pictures of them,take pictures of their kids...

take pictures of their families,you see how they like it.

Yeah, now we seehow they like it.

If you don't stop talkin',I'm gonna twist your wristclean off...

suffocate you with the bone,hear me?

Oh, yeah, yeah--

Ow.

So sorry to bother you,Mr. Watkins, but youhave a phone call.

What?

There's a phone call for you.

Ow.

Um, hey, at least he didn't pullout a weapon this time.

Yeah, that's true,we're getting closer.

My biggest challenge is-- andI'm working on it, believe me...

is an airplane toilet.

I mean, I specifically takeflights now and I'm eyeing...

you know, where--where the security man is.

And you know, but th--it's tough!

[BEN]I can't believethey bought you a car.

They throw me in rehab and theybuy you a car? So typical.

Oh, yeah, becauseshe's a real beaut.

Well, at least you have one.

Uh, stop! That's him! That'shim, he's a notorious paparazzi!

[BEN] Really?[CUBA] Yeah.

[JACK] That guy?[CUBA] Mm-hm.

What did he do to you?

He took pictures of mewhile I was in the bath...

playing with myself.Oh!

What a pervert!Mm-hm.

Unreal, man... all right,so what should we do?

Well, I'm moreof an improv guy...

so let's just freestyleand see where it takes us.Yes.

Oh, my god!

Okay, Del, get the camera ready.You are about to shoot someworld-class improv.

No, no, no, you stay here,keep the car running.

Oh, who's gonna run the camera?

You!

Oh, we actually talked aboutpossibly co-hosting together,so--

Not anymore.

Yeah, what are you doing?Just shoot it!Okay.

And keep that camera off me!

Off of you? I thought that wasthe whole point?

Well, not at first, at first,we want to be more mysterious.

You know? Build the suspense.

Follow my lead!

Freakin' genius!

Why do we even have Delaround, then?

Have fun, guys.