CC Presents: Marc Maron

  • Season 11, Ep 1
  • 01/11/2007

Marc Maron lives his life in a state of dread, panic and fear. He wouldn't have it any other way.

- JUST TO JUDGE ME BY HOW I LOOK. - [LAUGHTER]

'PRECIATE THE LAUGH THERE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE WHEN YOU DO A TV SHOW JUST HOW MANY THINGS

GO THROUGH YOUR HEAD. LIKE WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

THAT'S WHAT I DO TO MYSELF. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

AND YOU KNOW I'M FAIRLY CREATIVE SO THE FIRST THING IS I--

WELL THEY WON'T LAUGH OR I MIGHT GET SICK.

BUT THEN LIKE MY BRAIN JUST GOES TO, WHAT IF I CRY? OR--

WHAT IF I PEE IN MY PANTS?

WHAT IF I JUST SPONTANEOUSLY HUMAN COMBUST RIGHT ON STAGE?

THEN I THOUGHT IF I DO ANY ONE OF THOSE THINGS ON THE INTERNET

THIS WOULD BE MUCH MORE POPULAR THAN ANYTHING I'M GONNA DO

IN THE NEXT 20 MINUTES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE WON'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME, THEY'D JUST BE FLIPPING THEIR

PHONES OVER AND GOING, "WATCH. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS COMIC DUDE

"SWEAT AND PEE HIMSELF AND BLOW UP? IT'S HILARIOUS.

IT WAS THE MOSTHIT ON THING ON YouTube,30 MILLION HITS."

AND THAT WOULD BE MY LEGACY, "THE PEEING GUY WHO BLEW UP."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DIDN'T REALLY PLAN ON KEEPING THIS LOOK.

I'VE HAD THIS FOR ABOUT-- IT'S COMING UP ON A YEAR.

I GENERALLY GROW THIS BEARD OUT AROUND-- CHRISTMAS-- AND THEN I LIKE TO GO TO MALLS

- DRESSED AS JESUS. - [LAUGHTER]

AND WHAT I DO IS GENERALLY WALK THROUGH THE MALL

JUST SAYING, "NO, NO!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THIS WASN'T WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT, PEOPLE."

BUT IF THERE'S A SANTA AT THE MALL

I'LL WALK RIGHT UP TO HIM AND I'LL GO, "LISTEN FAT MAN.

YOU'RE JUST A CLOWN AT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T WANNA OFFEND PEOPLE RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE.

I KNOW THAT SOME OF YOU BELIEVEAND I CERTAINLY

DON'T WANNA MOCK THE MYTHSTHAT DEFINE SOME OF YOU BUT UM--

[LAUGHTER]

I CHOOSE NOT TO BELIEVE IN GOD. THAT'S OKAY STILL.

I CAN DO THAT RIGHT? IT'S MY CHOICE

TO GO THROUGH LIFE FILLED WITHDREAD, PANIC AND FEAR BECAUSE...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK THAT'S A MORE OBJECTIVE AND REAL WAY TO LIVE.

JUST BE LIKE, "AGH! WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?!"

I THINK THAT'S NEEDED HONESTLY AND AGAIN I DON'T WANNA

MAKE FUN OF WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN.

I THINK YOU KNOW JESUS--I THINK THE REASON JESUS

IS SO POPULAR JUST ON A CELEBRITY LEVEL IS THAT--

HE DIED AT THE PEAKOF HIS CAREER.

- OKAY. HE WAS-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEAR ME OUT. HE WAS YOUNG. HE WAS HOT.

HE WAS WELL SPOKEN FROM ALL ACCOUNTS.

I REALLY THINK ITWOULD'VE BEEN DIFFERENTHAD HE LIVED LONGER.

ALL RIGHT? SAY HAD HE GOTTEN OLDENOUGH TO GET BITTER. ALL RIGHT?

- JUST HEAR ME OUT. - [LAUGHTER]

PICTURE THERE'S A THIRD TESTAMENT TO THE BIBLE.

AT THIS POINT JESUS IS IN HIS 50s.

- HE'S GOT ONE APOSTLE LEFT. - [LAUGHTER]

AND THE BOOK OPENS WITH HIM KNEE-DEEP IN WATER SAYING,

"I USED TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. THE APOSTLE'S SAYING,

"COME ON DON'T YELL AT THE WATER JESUS.

"COME ON IN.IT'S NOT YOUR DAY BUDDY.COME ON.

"PEOPLE ARE GATHERING FOR THE WRONG REASON.

"CAN WE JUST GO? PLEASE. PLEASE. LET'S GO TO THE DELI. WE'LL HAVE A SANDWICH.

WE'LL TRY AGAIN TOMORROW. YES, YOU ARE GOD. COME ON."

AGAIN YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE A RELIGIOUS PERSON

I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU BELIEVE. IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.

BUT A LOT OF US DO NOT HAVE THE PATIENCE OR DISPOSITION

TO HAVE FAITH OR BELIEVE. THANK GOD THERE'S MEDICATION

FOR THOSE PEOPLE BECAUSE IF YOU WERE PROPERLY MEDICATED

IT WILL PROVIDE ROUGHLY THE SAME EFFECT AS RELIGION.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU AREON THE RIGHT COMBINATION OF ANTIDEPRESSANTS

IT WILL ALLEVIATE YOUR ABILITYTO SEE THE TRUTH CLEARLY

AND PROVIDE A FALSE SENSE OF HOPE AND--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

MY DAD IS ACTUALLYA MANIC DEPRESSIVE

WHICH IS VERY EXCITINGHALF THE TIME

[LAUGHTER]

THE OTHER HALFNOT SO EXCITING.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THE THRILL OF HAVING A MANIC IN YOUR LIFE,

THE DELUSIONAL PHONE CALL WITH THE BIG PLANS AT 3:00AM.

"HEY MARK. IT'S DAD. WAKE UP. ARE YA UP?

"LISTEN I GOT AN IDEA. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS, KID.

"WE'RE GONNA OPENA THEME PARK, ALL RIGHT?

"IT'S GONNA BE LIKE DISNEYLAND BUT BIGGER.

"AND I JUST CALLED TO SEE IF YOU WOULD WORK THERE IF I OPENED A THEME PARK?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YEAH, ALL RIGHT DAD. CAN I RUN THE BI-POLAR COASTER?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"I TELL YOU WHAT. CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE CRYING. OKAY?

DON'T KILL YOURSELF. I LOVE YOU. BYE-BYE. BYE. BYE."

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU FOR THE DEEP LAUGH FROM THE PERSON

WHO APPARENTLY NEEDED THAT JOKEMORE THAN OTHERS.

I'M JUST SAYING A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ON MEDICINE THEY DON'T NEED TO BE

'CAUSE LET'S BE HONEST, FOLKS,

IT ISN'T EASY FOR ANYONE. AND I THINK IN MOST CASES

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DEPRESSION AND DISAPPOINTMENT

- IS YOUR LEVEL OF COMMITMENT. - [LAUGHTER]

REALLY IN THE DAY AND AGEWE LIVE IN NOW,

IF SOMEONE COMES UP TO YOU AND SAYS,

I THINK YOU MIGHT BE CLINICALLY DEPRESSED, THE PROPER RESPONSE IS

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT MEANS I'M AWAKE.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

IS THERE ANY INDICATION WE SHOULDN'T BE DEPRESSED?

ARE YOU LIVING ON THE SAME PLANET THAT I AM? DID YOU EVER THINK

THAT DEPRESSION MIGHT BE THEREASONABLE HUMAN RESPONSE TO THE

CRAP WE'RE GOING THROUGH AS A SPECIES MEANT TO PROPEL US...

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

INTO THE NEXT EVOLUTIONARY STEP OR AT LEAST INTO TAKING SOME

DIFFERENT COURSE OF ACTION SO WE MIGHT SURVIVE.

DO YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE IT'S THE HAPPY PEOPLE THAT ARE REALLY SCREWED UP IN THE HEAD?

WHERE'S THAT SPIN ON THIS SITUATION?

MAYBE IT'S THOSE GUYS. "HEY HOW YOU DOING?

I DON'T KNOW. I FEEL GREAT AGAIN."

"REALLY? WELL,THAT'S CREEPY AND WEIRD.

"MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE ON MEDICATION.

"CLEARLY YOU'RE SELF-CENTERED,DELUSIONAL, NARCISSISTIC.

"I DON'T KNOW BUT YOU'RE DRAINING ME WITH YOUR HAPPY.

"COULD YOU MOVE ALONG'CAUSE I'M DOING THE BIG WORK...

CREATING A PLANET THATFUNCTIONS PROPERLY IN MY BRAIN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY ALMOST GOING TO THE GYM

AND THAT WAS VERY ACTIVE ALMOST.IT WASN'T A PASSIVE ALMOST.

I HAD EVERY INTENTION OF GOING.

I WOKE UP WITHTHE INTENTION OF GOING.

I GOT UP SAYING "I'M GOING, TODAY'S THE DAY I'M GONNA GO.

"ANY SECOND NOW I'M HEADING OUT.HERE I GO. I'M GOING TO THE GYM.

LOOK AT ME NOT GOING TO THE GYM." AND THEN YOU GET

INTO THAT WEIRD ZONEWHERE YOU'RE SAYING THINGS LIKE,

"AW MAN I'VE ONLY GOT LIKE FOUR HOURS.

"IT'S GONNA TAKE ME LIKETEN MINUTES TO GET THERE

"AND THEN I'M ON THE THING FOR 22 MINUTES AND THEN I GOTTA

"REALLY LIKE STRETCH. I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL MAKE IT.

FOUR-- I DON'T THINK SO."

DID YOU EVER ACTUALLY SUIT UP FOR THE GYM

JUST TO GIVE YOURSELF SOME MOTIVATION AND SOME MOMENTUM

AND THEN GET TO THE DOOR AND JUST CRUMBLE INTO APATHY LIKE,

"WHY CAN'T I GET OUTTA MY HOUSE?!"

- AND THEN-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN ACTUALLY GO BACK INTO YOUR HOUSE OR APARTMENT

- AND MASTURBATE... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND RATIONALIZE THAT AS EXERCISE? ANYBODY?

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- NOTHING HUH.

I'M LIKE SITTING THERE THINKING,"WELL I GOT MY HEART RATE UP AND

"I STILL HAVE MY SNEAKERS ON.

"SO I THINK THAT COUNTS."I THINK IT'S OFFICIA--

AND I'M EXHAUSTED. GEE, I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A SHAME NAP."

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE BEEN WARNED BY MY WIFE THAT I HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM

THAT NEEDS TO BE RECKONED WITH. I HAVE TO RECKON WITH

MY ANGER PROBLEM.

AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU YELL AT YOUR WIFE YOU'RE A DOUCHE BAG.

IF YOU YELL BY YOURSELF YOU'RE CRAZY.

SO I NEED TO RECTIFY THE ANGER PROBLEM.

SHE SAID YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO DEAL WITH THIS.

SO I DID WHAT EVERY SMART PERSON DOES WHEN THEY'RE CALLED ON THEIR [BLEEP].

I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A BOOK ONANGER MANAGEMENT.

AND NOW I HAVE THAT BOOK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I DON'T KNOWIF I'LL GET TO THE BOOK BUT I'M CERTAINLY

EXCITED ABOUT THE DAY WHERE I CAN'T FIND THE BOOK

AND I GET TO SAY, "WHERE THE HELL IS MY ANGER MANAGEMENT BOOK!

WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT? WHERE IS IT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY WIFE-- HER NEW THING IS-- SHE SAYS, "I NEED A GUN."

SHE WANTS TO GET A GUN TO PROTECT THE HOUSE.

SHE'S LIKE "WE NEED IT TO PROTECT OUR HOME."

AND TO BE HONEST WITH YOU THERE IS NO WAY SHE'S GETTING A GUN

BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY I'M NOT GETTING SHOT WITH THAT GUN.

BUYING MY WIFE A GUNIS SORTA LIKE ME SAYING,

"YOU KNOW I KINDA WANNA KILL MYSELF

BUT I WANT IT TO BE A SURPRISE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GUESS IF I HAD A GUN AND SHE HAD A GUN IT'D BE OKAY,

IF WE BOTH HAD GUNS AND THEN MAYBE EVERY ARGUMENT

COULD JUST END LIKE THE END OF A TARANTINO MOVIE JUST LIKE--

"ALL RIGHT YOU PUT YOURS DOWN. WE'RE GOING DOWN EASY,

BOTH OF US-- SAME TI-- WHATEVER YOU NEED WE'LL CUDDLE.

I'LL LISTEN, WHATEVER. LET'S JUST PUT 'EM DOWN NOW."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I WAS MARRIED ONCE BEFOREAND I STOPPED--

'CAUSE IT WAS RIDICULOUS. AND, AH, THIS ONE I LIKE.

I LOVE HER VERY MUCH. I'M IN LOVE WITH HER

AND BEING IN LOVEMAKES YOU A LITTLE CRAZYAT FIRST. YOU KNOW.

MAKES YOU SAY THINGS LIKE, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

[LAUGHTER]

"THE KITCHEN?!

"ARE YOU COMING BACK OR WHAT?!WHAT'S GOING ON?!

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?!

ARE YOU SCREWING SOMEONEIN THE KITCHEN?!

- WHAT'S GOING ON?!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I USED TO BE JEALOUS. I'M NOT JEALOUS ANYMORE. A MIRACLE HAPPENED TO ME.

BECAUSE IF YOU'RE JEALOUSIT'S A CANCER, IT'S A PLAGUE ON YOUR SPIRIT.

AND I ACTUALLY CURED JEALOUSY IN A VERY WEIRD WAY.

I CURED IT WITH MATHEMATICS. AND I'M NOT A MATH PERSON.

BUT I'VE BEEN WITH MY WIFE FOR ABOUT SEVEN YEARS.

SO WE HAVE HAD SEX PROBABLY, I LIKE TO THINK LIKE NINE MILLION TIMES,

OR AT LEAST 1,500.SO THE WAY I FIGURED IT

IF SHE GOES OUT AND SCREWS SOME OTHER GUY ONCE I'M STILL WINNING REALLY.

ISN'T THAT A WEIRD WAY TO LOOK AT IT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S SIGNIFICANTBUT YOU KNOW MAYBE 11/12 YEARS.

IS THAT A LOT? THAT'S NOT A LOT.TO ME IT'S PERFECT. YOU KNOW?

I LOVE IT BUT I KNOW THAT THERE'S THE RISK THAT I MIGHT BE OLD GUY.

YOU KNOW I MIGHT BECOME OLD GUY.

THERE'S A COUPLE PROBLEMS WITH THAT, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST OF ALL WE DON'T HAVE KIDS. AND I'M COMING UP

YOU KNOW, I PUT THE CUT-OFF AT 45 FOR THE KID THING.

AND SOME OF YOU ARE LIKE, "WHY YOU'RE A GUY.

"YOU CAN HAVE KIDS WHENEVER YOU WANT.

IT'S UP TO HER REALLY."YEAH, BUT I DON'T WANNAPUT MY KID THROUGH THAT.

LIKE I DON'T WANT MY KIDTO BE THE KID AT SCHOOL

WHERE THE OTHER KIDS ARE GOING, "WOW IS THAT YOUR DAD?

HOW OLD IS HE, DUDE?

- DOES HE EVEN RUN OR ANYTHING?" - [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T GENERALLY FEEL LIKE OLD GUY BUT IT DID HAPPEN.

AND IF I CAN BE CANDID WITH YOU I WILL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.

OKAY I WILL. I'LL BE HONEST. I THINK I CAN DO THIS ON TV.

MY WIFE AND I, WE'RE HAVING SEX, AND I WAS DOING A GOOD JOB.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW THERE WERE THOSE MOMENTS THOUGH,

LET'S BE HONEST,YOU'RE IN THOSE MOMENTS

WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WOW. I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? "IT TOOK AWHILE BUT I'M GOOD AT THIS NOW.

"I'M LIKE A GENIUS WITH THIS. YOU KNOW I'M LIKE

JOHN DILLINGER, MILTON BERLE AND RON JEREMY

ALL WRAPPED INTO ONE RIGHT NOW. LOOK AT ME GO.

SO I THINK I'M LIKE I AM IN IT. I AM IN THE POCKET.

I'M KICKING ASS SEXUALLY AND RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS,

MY WIFE LOOKS UP AT ME AND SHE GOES, "HEY, HEY, HEY DON'T KILL YOURSELF."

[OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

"'DON'T KILL YOURSELF'?WHAT HAPPENED TO,

"'THANKS FOR TRYING', WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?

"WHAT HAPPENED TO, 'FINISH ME NOW'.

WHERE WAS THAT ONE?'DON'T KILL YOURSELF'?"

AND WHAT MUST I HAVE LOOKED LIKE?

YOU KNOW YOU AUTOMATICALLY--

IT'S LIKE IT'S A COMPLETE MISNOMER TO THINK THAT

JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE IN ITTHAT THEY ARE, YOU KNOW.

I MUSTA LOOKED LIKE-- AH-- YOU KNOW LIKE WHAT--

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - I MEAN THE LAST THING...

I MEAN, YOU THINK THEY'RE RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.

YOU DON'T THINK THEY'RE SITTING THERE GOING, "OH, THERE MIGHT BE TROUBLE."

- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT HONESTLY THE WEIRD THINGIS THAT IF MY WIFE WAS EVER TO--

IT'S KINDA SAD BUT IT'S POIGNANT--

THAT IF MY WIFE WOULD EVER JUST SAY TO ME,

"LOOK I'M LEAVING. I'VE HAD IT."THE ONLY THING I COULD SAY IS,

"WELL, THANKS FOR HELPING OUT.

I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE HERE AND GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR NEXT PROJECT.

- THANK YOU. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK GEORGE BUSH IS ABSOLUTELY THE RIGHT PRESIDENT

TO OVERSEE THE END OF THE WORLD.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK HE'LL DO IT QUICKLY, EFFICIENTLY AND WITH A CLARITY

AND RESOLVE THAT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE

'CAUSE HE DOES HAVE THAT WEIRD MIXTURE OF BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN

AND STUPID THAT SOME PEOPLE MISTAKE FOR COURAGE AND FOCUS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND COME ON, LET'S BE HONEST,

ISN'T THAT THE GUY WE NEED FOR THE TOUGH TIMES WE LIVE IN,

SOMEONE WHO WILL REMAINSTEADFAST IN THE FACE OF

FACTS, REALITY AND TRUTH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE REASON THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT IS SO PRO-BUSH IS NOT 'CAUSE

HE'S A MORAL GUY, IT'S ACTUALLY 'CAUSE HE MIGHT END THE WORLD

AND THEY'RE READY TO GO.IT'S IN THE BOOK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN THEY'RE CHECKING OFFTHE SEVEN SEALS. THEY'RE LOOKING

AT THIS GUY. THEY'RE LIKE,"WELL, HE'S FACILITATED FOUR--

"AT LEAST TWO OUT OF THREE OF THE FOUR HORSEMEN.

"OR HE'S STARTED ARMAGEDDON, FACILITATED THE FLOODS.

THIS GUY'S OUR GUY! HE'S GONNA TAKE US HOME."

AND AGAIN I DON'T WANNAKNOCK ALL CHRISTIANS,

JUST THE WHACK JOBS THAT ARE RUINING THE WORLD FOR THE REST OF US. AND--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK IF YOU WANNA BELIEVE THAT THIS LIFE IS JUST A TEST

AND THAT IF YOU PASS IT YOU GET WINGS AND YOU CAN FLY FOR ETERNITY, GOD BLESS YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, GOOD FOR YOU.

BUT I DON'T THINK THATYOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DETERMINE

WHETHER OR NOT THEY TEACH CREATIONISM IN SCIENCE CLASS.

I MEAN THAT'S LIKERETARDING THE CHILDREN.

- IT'S RETARDING THE CHILDREN. - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'M NOT EVEN TRYING TO BE PREACHY, MAN

BUT LOOK I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S REACHING OUT

OR IF IT CAN REALLY BE CALLED CONVERSION OR TRYING TO SAVE SOULS.

BUT IF YOU SAY TO ANINE-YEAR-OLD KID, "HEY!

"DO YOU WANNA DO YOUR SCIENCE HOMEWORK

OR DO YOU JUST WANNA SAY, 'GOD DID IT' AND GO OUTSIDE?"

[LAUGHTER]

I'D GO OUTSIDE.

AND I CAN'T DEAL WITH THE ARGUMENT THEY MAKE

AGAINST EVOLUTION. IT SHOULD BE A CRIME.

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME THING. "EVOLUTION'S JUST A THEORY." AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,

"WELL, THANK GOODNESS GRAVITY'S A LAW."

- YOU KNOW? BECAUSE... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IN ORDER TO...

IN ORDER TO DISPROVE THAT YOU'D HAVE TO BE ABLE TO FLY, RIGHT?

AND THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN 'TIL AFTER YOU DIE IF YOU'RE GOOD,

RIGHT? I GET IT, RIGHT?AND THEN THEY SAY,

"WELL--" THIS IS THE NEXT PHASE OF THE ARGUMENT.

"WELL, IT'S SO COMPLICATED." EVERYTHING IS SO COMPLICATED.

I MEAN THAT MUST MEAN THERE'S AN INTELLIGENT DESIGNER

THAT DESIGNED IT ALL. ISN'T THAT KINDA LIKE SAYING,

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.IT MUST BE MAGIC."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DESPERATE, YOU KNOW WHACK JOBS.

MANY OF THEM ARE IN SECTS,RELIGIOUS SECTS.

SOME OF 'EM ARE DENIED WOMEN THEIR ENTIRE LIFE?

THE ONES THAT ALLOW WOMEN THOSE WOMEN ARE ABUSED,

FORCED TO COVER THEMSELVES. WOMEN AREN'T ALLOWED TO TALK.

AND I REALLY THINK THAT'S WHAT'S AT THE CORE OF THE TERRORIST

ABILITY TO DO EVIL. JUST FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A WOMAN IN YOUR LIFE

KEEPING YOU DOWN SOMEHOWYOU HAVE NO PERSPECTIVE.

I MEAN PICTURE THE CONVERSATION.

"WE ARE GOING TO GO AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"

"YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"WE HAVE PEOPLE COMING OVER. THEY'RE OUR FRIENDS.

"WE INVITED THEM. IF YOU NEED TO GO SOMEWHERE

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE STORE

AND GET SOMEICE CREAM FOR DESSERT?"

"'CAUSE WE ARE GOING TO GO AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD." "NO!"

[LAUGHTER]

"OKAY."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"HELLO. I CANNOT GOTO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

"NO, I AM NOT AFRAID OF THAT, MY FRIEND.

"NO, I CAN'T EXPLAIN NOW.I MUST GO GET CHUNKY MONKEY NOW.

- OKAY AL SALAM. BYE-BYE."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FOLKS.

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