Lounge Lizards: Adam Ferrera

  • Season 1, Ep 0103
  • 05/29/2002

Hiya, kids.

You winning?

This guy, "I'm down $1,400.

Go ahead, make me laugh."

( laughter )

"Find the joy in this broken

heart, chuckle boy."

( laughter )

You've got to be careful out

there, man.

I like playing craps.

I don't even play anymore.

I just walk up to the table and

go, "Ah, take it."

( laughter )

So my name's Adam, I'm from New

York.

You from New York?

Yeah?

Shut the hell up.

See, you can say, "Shut the hell

up" to somebody here.

That's a greeting.

I live in California now.

You say, "Shut the hell up,"

they're like, "God, he's so

hostile.

I need more sprouts."

( laughter )

( cheers and applause )

"All my shakras are out of line.

Quick, put on the Yanni CD."

( laughter )

"I just need some herbal ecstasy

and some me time.

I'll be fine."

Yeah, California, man.

I live in Hollywood.

The girls are beautiful in

Hollywood, and enough silicon to

caulk a sink, which is nice.

( laughter )

"Hey, your shower's leaking."

( laughter )

"This one's got saline.

We'll clean your contacts."

( laughter )

And you know, some women get mad

at you if you look at a woman

that's had surgery, like, "What

are you looking at?

Oh, my God.

They're fake.

You can't tell that?

That is false beauty."

"Well, it's better than the ugly

truth."

( laughter )

Yeah, the girls are beautiful in

Hollywood, but they're vacant,

man.

You talk to them, it's like,

"What do you want to do

tonight?"

"I don't care.

I'll do whatever you want to

do."

( laughter )

East coast chicks know what they

want, man.

"What do you want to do

tonight?"

"We're going to go to the

amusement park and you're going

to win me a friggin' bear.

That's what we're doing."

( cheers and applause )

"Oh, and you are not wearing

that shirt.

Change.

You're not going to embarrass me

in front of the vendors,

Mister."

I think I should tell you folks,

I talk a lot about women in my

act, because let's face it, if I

was hungry, I'd talk about food.

( laughter )

It's a slow build to that joke,

man.

You guys are like, "Ha, ha...

oh, we hear you, brother."

( laughter )

And we're under a misconception

when it comes to the female,

guys.

We think we're in charge.

No, no.

We have no control, basically,

man.

Men chase women until women

catch us.

That's the way it works.

You ask a girl out, "Hi, would

you like to go out for dinner?"

From then on she's just leaving

a trail of breadcrumbs like,

"Oh, you're so strong.

I never felt this way about

anybody before."

( laughter )

Ego, ego, ego, ego.

( cheers and applause )

"No, really, I'm telling you,

it's different with you."

Bear trap.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered

here today..."

( laughter )

That's why men go through a

midlife crisis.

It takes us 40 years to figure

out we've been tricked.

( laughter )

My brother just got married.

They wrote their own vows.

Well, she wrote her vows.

He forgot and tried to wing it

up at the altar.

The priest goes, "Son, you want

to say the vows?"

"A, E, I, O..."

( laughter )

Marriage scares the hell out of

me, man.

My girlfriend wants to get

married.

I'll tell you, I hope she meets

somebody nice.

( laughter )

Thanks for laughing.

We broke up because of that

joke.

( laughter )

No, there were many reasons we

broke up.

There was our religious

difference.

I'm a Catholic, and she's the

devil, so...

( laughter )

( cheers and applause )

See, I like the first month of a

relationship.

You know, like, when you're

happy.

Because you're happy the first

month.

It's new, it's wild.

You play those games, you run

around the apartment like, "I'm

coming to get you.

I'm coming to get..."

"No, stop it, stop it, stop it."

After a while it's like, "I'm

coming to get you."

"Good, I got a few things to say

when you get here, you freak.

I'm taking away your video card.

That's where you learn this crap

from.

You want to experiment.

Because it hurts, that's why

not."

You're a further evolved

creature, ladies.

You're more emotionally

sophisticated.

Oh, but your emotions are on a

hair trigger, man.

Your moods can change like that.

A woman can be laughing one

minute like, "Ha, ha, oh, I find

you so fu... kill him!"

( laughter )

That's why I don't think it's

fair you get married, you give

your wife a wedding ring.

I think you should give her a

mood ring.

( laughter )

Oh, it may sound crass, but just

check the color when you come

home.

"Hi, honey.

Inferno red.

Oh, boy.

I ain't getting laid, and I've

got to cut the lawn, I know it."

( laughter )

"I don't even know what the hell

I did wrong."

Did you ever read those woman

magazines, "What a Woman Wants?"

They all say the same thing.

"Oh, I'm looking for a man with

a sense of humor.

A sense of humor is so

important."

What a bucket of lies that is.

I've got a sense of humor.

You see any panties flying up

here on the stage?

No.

Women don't want that.

They want those outlaw men.

They want those dangerous men

with the long hair.

They want... Antonio Bandaras is

what they want.

( cheers and applause )

"I am Antonio Bandaras.

I am mysterious.

I will treat you like garbage,

and you will love me for it."

( laughter )

That's what they want.

They don't want, "Two Jews

walked into a bar."

( laughter )

"We will make mad, passionate

love.

Your orgasm will be so intense

you will actually see dead

relatives."

"There once was a man from

Nantucket."

"You will want to stop having

sex with me, but you can't,

because I am a drug.

You are addicted.

You cannot clean me out of your

face."

( laughter )

"Knock knock."

>> I read an article that damn

near got me killed.

It said women want honesty in a

relationship.

Oh, no.

Don't go there, man.

See that scar above my eye?

Honesty got me that.

We're ready to go out one night

and she's like, "Adam, do you

think these pants make me look

fat?"

"Well, baby, I don't think the

pants got anything to do with

it."

( cheers and applause )

That's what it said in the book!

You think you want honesty,

ladies.

What you fail to realize is male

honesty is only acceptable to

other males.

Women won't even tolerate it,

man.

You're walking down the street

with your lady, she's, "Now, do

you think she's attractive," you

can't say, "Yeah."

( laughter )

"God, the things I'd do to her.

You mean you're going to let

me?"

( laughter )

You're better off like, "You

think she's attractive?"

"Her?

Oh, no, no."

( laughter )

"I'm thinking of you right now.

No."

( laughter )

"Sit.

No!"

( laughter )

But they got me, man.

I am enchanted by women.

And I can't figure them out.

A paradox?

I think so.

( laughter )

They fill my fantasies.

Fantasy is great.

You can do anything you want in

your own mind.

You should see me in my

fantasies.

I am amazing.

You're making love, nothing goes

wrong, man.

She never says stuff like, "Ow,

ow, you're on my hair."

You don't hear that.

( laughter )

You never hear stuff like, "Oh,

hurry up.

My leg is falling asleep."

( laughter )

"Yeah, yeah, you're the king,

you're the king, you're the

king.

Come on!"

( cheers and applause )

Fantasy!

It's great, man.

And men need it.

It is a necessity to the male.

Because reality is cold, man.

You get up the courage, you walk

up to a girl in a bar, "Hi, may

I buy you a drink?"

"No."

( laughter )

You feel like you're Quasimodo

after that.

"Oh, forgive me, my lady.

I meant you no harm.

I'll be going now.

Sanctuary!

Sanctuary!"

( cheers and applause )

"I'll seek refuge in

pornography.

I'll be fine.

Thank you.

Where the hell is that

Victoria's Secret catalog?

There's a nipple on page six."

( laug

Oh, I love that magazine, man.

Victoria's Secret?

Oh.

And it comes, like, every three

hours.

( laughter )

As soon as you finish one, you

walk out to the mailbox, you're

like, "Special bra and panty

issue."

Oh, my God.

Looks like I ain't going to work

today.

They're my eyes.

I'll go blind if I want to."

( laughter )

Remember when girls used to be

icky?

Remember that?

You're on the playground, "You

like girls?"

"No.

Girls are icky, man.

Baseball cards."

Then God goes, "Welcome to

puberty."

Girls ain't icky no more, man.

Puberty was a wild ride.

Nobody told me nothing.

How many guys, their father sat

them down and told them the

facts of life?"

No.

You're all like me.

You stole your sister's Barbie

doll, "Where does it go?"

( laughter )

My father tried to give me the

sex talk once, and he chickened

out.

He walked into my room and went,

"Adam, don't kiss guys, huh?

Please.

Jesus Christ."

( cheers and applause )

"Excuse me, I have a lot of

other questions."

Because you don't know.

You're a happy little kid.

All of a sudden your body just

wakes up.

For me it was junior high, third

period typing class.

Like, "Hello.

What the hell is this here?"

( laughter )

"I can hit the backspace.

Look at this!

Oh, I'm getting an A in this

class.

Capital lock!"

( laughter )

Because you don't know what it

does.

One day in the shower you figure

it out.

It's a special day in a man's

life, man.

I was like, "Oh, I found me a

hobby."

( laughter )

And I turned into a maniac, man.

I was like a little zoo monkey.

( imitating monkey )

( cheers and applause )

I had a towel in my room I could

use as a lamp stand.

( laughter )

I'm sorry, lady.

That towel joke kind of freaked

you out, didn't it?

She was laughing, she was like,

"Ha, ha... oh!"

( laughter )

"Get the car, we're leaving.

We'll go see the two gay guys

and the tiger.

I'm out of here."

>> So what have we learned?

( laughter )

I'm a horny little guy, ain't I?

I have a big fear of commitment.

That marriage thing is

frightening, man.

Because the only marriage I've

observed for any length of time

is my parents.

35 years.

I asked my pop, I go, "Pop, 35

years, what do you hope for?"

He's like, "Ah, you hope you die

first."

( laughter )

So let's say you're lucky

enough, you find a girl, you

fall in love, get married, and

you want to have kids.

Having kids is scary, too, man.

We're all products of our

parents.

All your mother's traits are in

the egg and all your father's

traits are in the sperm.

And if I know my parents, that

sperm and egg had a fight.

( laughter )

My mother's like, "I've been

sitting here 28 days.

You're late.

Where have you been?"

"Hey, I've been swimming my ass

off out there."

( laughter )

"You think that's an easy

commute?

There's a million of us.

I'm sitting in traffic, some

guy's tail's waving in my face."

( laughter )

"Well, if you knew you were

going to be late, why didn't you

call?"

"Oh, from where, the cervix

station?

There's no phone out there."

( applause )

That's the perfect microcosm for

men and women.

It takes a million sperm to find

one egg, because they're all

males.

Not one of them is going to pull

over and ask directions.

( laughter )

"Shut up.

I know where I'm going."

"Why don't we stop and ask

someone?"

"The only people we passed are

in the vulva, and they speak

Swedish!"

( laughter )

I'll tell you what, though.

I'm glad God set it up that

women have to carry the

children, because men are

idiots, man.

A pregnant man would be the

laziest creature on this planet.

He'd be like a big sea manatee

just laying in the sun, like,

( groaning )

In boxer shorts on the couch for

nine months, man.

"Hey, honey, want to feel the

baby kick?

Come here.

Reach down a little lower.

I think his leg is sticking

out."

( laughter )

"Go get me another beer.

I'm drinking for two, you know.

God, would you look at my

breasts?"

( screaming )

( laughing )

( laughter )

Sorry.

( laughter )

You've got it tough, ladies.

Physiologically you got robbed.

See, the human body is in

constant change the minute we're

born.

It's in a constant state of

decay.

We're all like Ford Escorts,

just falling apart.

( laughter )

I've got that car.

You know what's nice about a

Ford Escort?

If you want to stop and your

brakes go out, just turn on the

air conditioner.

( laughter )

"This is a nice feature.

I'm safe and I'm cool.

Air bag."

But the human body is in a

constant state of decay.

Now, the female body, as it gets

older, them changes get more

severe.

My mother's going through that

menstralpause thing.

( laughter )

What?

What?

I don't know.

She calls it her change.

"It's my change.

It's a change of life.

I have to go through a... I

can't go on."

( laughter )

"I'm going through a change of

life, okay?

Can I have my moment, please?

It is a change of life.

I am transforming."

Yeah, she's turning into a

Viking.

That's nice.

"Come home for dinner."

( imitates horn )

( laughter )

She gets hot flashes and cold

flashes.

If she gets a hot flash and

walks into a cold room she can

make it rain.

( laughter )

So I read about it.

You know what it is?

It's a hormonal imbalance.

Testosterone, the male hormone,

dominates the female body.

It's kind of scary.

You come home, "Mommy, how you

feeling?"

( deep voice ) "Not bad today."

( laughter )

"Beard's coming in nice.

Hey, look at the cans on your

sister, huh?"

( laughter )

"You kids want me to make it

rain again?"

"Mommy's nuts."

I'll tell you want, I'm glad men

don't have to go through that.

A hormonal imbalance?

I don't think I could handle an

overload of estrogen in my

system.

My friends come to pick me up,

"Adam, you ready to go?"

"I've got nothing to wear.

Oh, don't look at me.

I'm fat.

My nipples hurt and there's no

chocolate in this house!"

>> My mother's a saint.

That woman got up every morning,

cooked us breakfast, put us on

the school bus, we went to

school, she went to work, she

came home, cleaned the house,

cooked dinner, helped us with

our homework, tucked us in bed,

and still had time to read us a

bedtime story.

And she never complained...

directly.

There was some weird bedtime

stories at my house, man.

"All right, boys, sit down.

I'm going to tell you the story

of the three bears.

Once upon a time there were

three bears.

There was a mama bear who worked

and slaved to take care of the

ungrateful bastard little baby

bears!"

( laughter )

"Who come home from school

tracking up her carpet.

She can't keep nothing nice in

this house!"

"Oh, it's going to be a scary

one."

( laughter )

"I don't know why I have these

nightmares, mother."

( laughter )

I hated nightmares, man.

I woke up my pop in the middle

of the night because the

boogeyman's under my bed.

My pop is this big, huge man.

Nothing can hurt him.

I went running into his bedroom

like, "Daddy, Daddy, the

boogeyman's under the bed.

Pop opens one eyes.

He's like, "Is the boogeyman

bigger than me?"

"Well, no, Daddy, he's not."

He goes, "Well, you've got your

choice.

You can deal with the boogeyman,

or you can deal with me."

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