Sexy Vampires

  • Season 3, Ep 7
  • 10/30/2013

A hotel guest is blown away by the Continental breakfast, and a psycho's victims stay positive.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

- [gasps]

- AH, TONIGHT,

THE NEWEST MEMBEROF OUR FAMILY

WILL FEASTFOR THE FIRST TIME.

all: [hissing]

- OPHELIA...

BRING THE NEW BLOOD.

AHH.

BROTHER TYRELL.

WELCOME TO THE FIRST NIGHTOF YOUR NEW AND--

WHAT ARE WE WEARING HERE?

- W--

UH, I-I'M JUST WEARINGWHAT I GOT BIT IN.

- MM-HMM.

OKAY.DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING BLACK?

OR, LIKE, PANTS WITH LACESUP THE SIDE OF THE LEG...

- [hisses]- WOULD BE GOOD,

JUST SO YOU CAN STILL SEETHE SKIN.

all: [gasping and hissing]

- UH, NO.

THAT'S NOT MY STYLE,

SO I AIN'T GOT NONE OF THATIN MY CLOSET

OR NOTHIN' LIKE THAT.

- OKAY.

ANYWAY, WE WILL TONIGHT

ALL FEAST!

all: [hissing]- [chortles]

- COME ON, MAN.

- EXCUSE ME?

- I'M JUST SAYING,

Y'ALL OVER HERE LICKINGAND--

AND HISSING AND WHATNOT.

IF WE GONNA EAT,THEN LET'S EAT. DAMN!

- Y-YES.

OF COURSE,WE WILL ALL FEED.

all: [hissing]

- OKAY, YEAH, THAT'S ENOUGH.

- SPREAD THE MEAT.

crunch!

- COOL. OKAY.

DID ANY OF THATACTUALLY GET IN YOUR MOUTH?

'CAUSE, I MEAN, NOW--SHOOT.

NO WONDER Y'ALL'S HUNGRYALL THE TIME.

all: [hissing]

- SEE--UH-UH, UH-UH.NO, NO, NO, NO.

SEE, LOOK,WHY Y'ALL GOTTA HISS

WHEN YOU FLASHIN' YOUR FANGS?

YOU KNOW YOU CAN MAKEYOUR TEETH COME OUT

WITHOUT DOINGALL THAT NONSENSE.

SEE?

[silence]

AND CAN YOU TWO GET A ROOM?

SERIOUSLY, Y'ALL LIVEIN A DAMN MANSION.

THERE GOTTA BE SOME OTHER PLACEYOU COULD DO THAT [bleep].

I MEAN, ARE YOU TWOEVEN LESBIANS?

LOOK, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTANDWHY EVERYTHING

GOTTA BE ALL SEXUALAND LICKY.

GIRL, SERIOUSLY, MAN.

YOU GOTTA GET YOUR HANDSUP OFF ME

'FORE I [bleep] YOU UP.

[bleep] IS NASTY.CREEPY AS [bleep].

BEEN TOUCHING MY NIPPLEFOR 15 MINUTES.

ALL THIS [bleep] Y'ALLIS DOING UP IN HERE?

THIS IS JUST, LIKE,STRAIGHT-UP GRATUITOUS.

I GOT BIT ON PURPOSESO I COULD LIVE FOREVER

AND SEE FUTURE CARS.

- YEAH, CYRUS,THESE PANTS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE.

- AND I ACTUALLYHAVE A BOYFRIEND.

- AND THIS SONG HAS BEEN PLAYINGFOR, LIKE, TWO YEARS,

AND IT SUCKS.

- WOW.- [sighs]

THIS JUST SEEMS...

DESPERATE.

- OKAY, DESPERATE?REALLY, TRISTAN?

- IT'S CHRISTIAN.

- REALLY?- HIS NAME AIN'T EVEN TRISTAN.

- SO DO YOU ALLFEEL THIS WAY?

- YEAH.- YEAH.

- KINDA.- YEAH.

- YEAH.

- [snorts]

WOW.

IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T EVEN GETGOOD FRIENDS--

NO, YOU'RE NOT EVEN--

OKAY, AND YOU'RE LEAVING NOW.THAT'S--

- I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT,DOG, SERIOUSLY,

LIKE, YOU COULD FIXTHIS PLACE UP.

IT'D BE DOPE, THOUGH.FOR REAL.

ARE CARS GONNA BE ABLETO FLY,

OR IS EVERYTHING GOING TO BEON A MAGNETIC TRACK?

I MEAN, THAT'S WHATI WANT TO KNOW.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

- THIS O-NEGATIVETASTES LIKE PENNIES.

- OH, I'M SORRY ABOUT--HEY, HEY.

NO, NO, NO, NIPPLE PLAYIS FOR PRIVATE TIME.

- WHAT IF ALL OF THIS LIFEWE THINK WE'RE LIVING

IS JUST A DREAM?

AND WHEN WE WAKE UP...[voice fades out]

- THIS IS SUCH BULL[bleep],YOU GUYS.

AND YOU HAVEFREE WI-FI THERE.

ALSO, FROM 6:00 A.M.TO 10:00 A.M. EVERY MORNING,

THERE'S A FREECONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

- HMM.

CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

- YES, FROM 6:00 A.M.TO 10:00 A.M.

[phone rings]

- SO IT'S CONTINENTAL, THEN.

- MM-HMM, YEP.

[Muzak in background]

- VERY GOOD.

[gasps]

EH, GARCON.

[chuckles]

ONE ADMISSIONFOR THE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

- YOU CAN JUSTHELP YOURSELF, SIR.

- HMM, INTERESTING.

EUROPEAN STYLE.

[light classical music]

[chuckling]

MM.

AHH.

WHEN IN ROME...

HMM, THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT.

[chortles]

WELL, AREN'T YOUA TINY PLUM.

WELL, LA...DEE...

DA.

PAPER AND EVERYTHING.

AND WHO ARE YOU,

MY LITTLE FRIEND?

NOT A SPOON...

NOT A FORK...

BUT SOMETHING IN BETWEEN.

A "FPOON".

[chuckles]

WHAT WILL YOU THINK OF NEXT,GERMANY?

[humming softly]

AHH.

[chuckles delightedly]

ALL THE "EURO-PINE" COUNTRIESLAY BEFORE ME.

WHERE SHOULD I FLY TO FIRST?

AHH.

THE PIT OF THE DOUGHNUT.

MM, THANK YOU, TURKEY.

MM, BUCKLE UP.

LET'S SEEWHERE WE SHALL GO NEXT.

AH, THE DANISH!

CLEARLY FROM BRUSSELS.

MM.

MM, MM!

MM!

HELLO, GREECE,

WHERE THE YOGURT FLOWSLIKE WATER.

MM, YES,

LIKE GO-GURT,BUT TO STAY.

[chuckles]

MM.

MM, SO GOOD!

MM, PULLING INTO SPAIN.

MM!

BAKED TO PERFECTION.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

IT ALL COMESWITH THE ROOM!

[laughing]

MM!

MM, MM!

YES!

MM!

I LOVE BEING INCONTINENT!

I LOVE BEING INCONTINENT!

A DELIGHT TO THE SENSES,

ISN'T IT, MY FRIEND?

ISN'T IT? YES!

I'LL HAVEWHAT I'M HAVING!

[music crescendos]I'LL HAVE...

WHAT I'M HAVING!

[woman singing angelically]

[sobbing]

SO GOOD.

IT'S SO GOOD.

- THANKS.

OH, GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

- WELL, DAVIS,

I WILL BE STAYINGINDEFINITELY.

- BUT, SIR, DON'T YOU KNOWTHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN HERE?

[romantic big band music]

- REALLY?- MM-HMM.

- CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST?

- RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

[eerie music]

- COULD BE WORSE.

- NOT THAT BAD.

- FOR ME,IT'S ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE.

- IT'S WHAT YOU MAKEOF IT.

- LOOK, CAN I TELL YOUSOMETHING?

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED,

I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF COMFORTABLERIGHT NOW.

THANK GOD FOR SHOCK.

- I CAN BE THE KIND OF PRISONERI WANT TO BE.

- WE'RE STILL ALIVE.

- THANK YOU. RIGHT?

- MM-HMM.- JUST TWO...

INJURED BUDDIES.

- YES, YEAH, MM-HMM.

- HAVING A FRIENDLY CONVOWHILE WE'RE WAITING

TO GET TORTURED AGAIN.

- AND, YOU KNOW,THERE'S A KIND OF A POSITIVE

IN HAVING NO OPTIONS.

- YES.- BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

WE'RE NOT EVEN GONNA TRYTO ESCAPE

'CAUSE WE KNOW WE'D FAIL.- YES.

TELL YOU ANOTHER THING.DON'T MISS THE ARM.

- REALLY?- FIRST OF ALL, LEFTY.

OKAY? SO THIS THINGPRETTY MUCH GOT IN THE WAY.

- HA.- KEEP IT, BUDDY!

[metal screeches]

- YOU FOOLS,BLATHERING AWAY!

[chuckles]

YOUR SUFFERINGHAS ONLY JUST BEGUN.

- WOW.

THAT ISA PERFECT SUMMATION

OF THE HUMAN CONDITION.

AND ONCEYOU'VE EMBRACED THAT,

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

- BINGO.- [screams]

NO ONE HAS EVER SUFFERED

AS YOU WILL!

HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

- YOU LOVE YOUR WORK,

AND THAT KINDOF A POSITIVE ATTITUDE,

QUITE FRANKLY,IT'S CONTAGIOUS.

- IT IS.

- WELL, WE'LL SEEHOW POSITIVE YOU'RE FEELING

AFTER I COVER YOUR BODYIN GASOLINE

AND SET YOU ON FIRE!

- YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S AMAZINGTHAT YOU WOULD SAY THAT,

'CAUSE I WAS JUST THINKING

IT'S GETTING A LITTLE CHILLYIN HERE.

- MM-HMM.- THANKS SO MUCH, MAN.

- DAMN IT!

[screams]

- WHAT A DRAMATICAND FASCINATING MAN.

- I THINK WE OWE HIMBIG TIME.

- AS DO I.- REALLY.

I MEAN, ALL THIS TIMEAWAY FROM MY COMPUTER,

MY PHONE, MY WORK,IT'S JUST--

I FEEL UNPLUGGED.

- YES, YES. OH.

- OH.[rat squeaking]

both: AWW.

- CIRCLE OF LIFE.

- NANTS INGONYAMA.

- AND I CAN'T REALLY FEELANYTHING ANYWAY,

SO YOU HELP YOURSELF, BUDDY.

[saw whirring]

- OH, WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?

- DO YOU SEE THIS?

THIS IS WHAT I'M GOING TO USETO CUT OFF YOUR LEGS!

- FINALLY!

- THAT'S A GREAT SAW.

I'M A HOME IMPROVEMENT GUY,AND I KNOW MY SAWS,

AND I GOTTA TELL YOU,IF YOU'RE CUTTING OFF LEGS,

THAT IS THE WAY TO GO.

- THAT'S THE ONE?- THAT IS DEFINITELY THE ONE.

GOOD ON YA.- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

YOU'RE MAKING ME CRAZY!

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

SOMEBODY NEEDS A DAY OFF.

- WE, OF ALL PEOPLE,SHOULD KNOW HOW HARD HE WORKS.

- MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

- [giggling, sobbing]

MAKE THEM STOP!

THIS IS TORTURE!

NOOOO!