Tuesday, March 17, 2015

  • 03/17/2015

April Richardson, Sean Patton and Paul Scheer list #NBABands, hashtag images of St. Patrick's Day debauchery and write suggestive texts as leprechauns.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S HEADLINES,IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

>> Chris: NOW, IF YOU THOUGHTMAKING SMALL TALK ABOUT YOUR

BARISTA'S UNFINISHED MIXEDMARSHAL ARTS ROMCOM SCREEN PLAY

WASN'T AWKWARD ENOUGH, STARBUCKSHAS PLANS TO HASHTAG CUPS

#RaceTogether.

RACE TOGETHER, THIS IS, IN PART,AN EFFORT TO MAKE YOUR MORNING

BLACK COFFEE EXPERIENCE ABOUTBEING BLACK IN AMERICA.

SO NOW YOU CAN REALLY FEEL THESEARING JUDGMENT AS YOU PUT

CREAM IN YOUR COFFEE.

I'M SORRY!

I MEAN, LISTEN I APPRECIATETHEY ARE TRYING TO OPEN UP THE

CONVERSATION BUT WHY NOT HASHTAGHUMANS TOGETHER?

WE'RE JUST PEOPLE, TALKING HUMANBEINGS, NOT DELINATED BY RACE.

BUT WHATEVER, STARBUCKS, I AMSTILL IN 100 PERCENT FOR YOUR

CHAI LATTES.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT IS AN EVENMORE AWKWARD CONVERSATION TO

HAVE IN A BIG CHAIN STORE.

APRIL RICHARDSON.

>> DISCUSSING A WOMEN'S RIGHT TOCHOOSE AT HOOTERS.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

SEAN.

>> DISCUSSING DENTISTRY ATENGLAND.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

>> THE COUNTRY.

>> Chris: YEAH, ENGLAND IS A BIGCHAIN.

MOVING ON --

UPROXX TURNED US ON TO ANAUSTRALIAN NEWS ANCHOR WHO'S

BEEN MAKING WAVES ALL OVERSOCIAL MEDIA FOR WHICH OF THE

FOLLOWING REASONS?

A, BEING DRUNK ON AREA AIR.

B, REFERRING TO THE BRITISH ASQUEEN FRENCHERS.

OR C WEARING A DRESS WITH APHALLIC NECKLINE.

SEAN PATTON.

>> OH, UH, B. I THOUGHT IT SAIDREFERRING TO THE BRITISH AS

QUEEF WRENCHERS.

>> THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT SAYS.ALL RIGHT, WELL --

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER ISACTUALLY C, NOW --

>> IT IS -- >> OH.

>> Chris: WHEN I FIRST SAWTHIS PICTURE I WAS LIKE, OH,

COME ON, GUYS, IT IS NOT THAT --OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T STOP SEEING

IT.

>> IT'S SO PERFECT.

>> Chris: AND BY THE WAY, WHITESHAFT, BLACK HEAD.

HASHTAG RACE TOGETHER.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANSWHAT WAS THE HEADLINE OF THE

NEWS STORY HE WAS REPORTING ONAPRIL.

>> COMING UP NEXT, OUR OWN DICKJOHNSTON MAKES A TRIP TO THE

NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM IN THEBONE ZONE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM IS INTHE BONE ZONE.

SEAN PATTON.

>> LOCAL AREA MAN SURVIVESSTROKE AFTER STROKE AFTER STROKE

AFTER STROKE AFTER STROKE.

STROKE, STROKE, STROKE, STROKE,STROKE.

>> Chris: PAUL SCHEER.

>> FIVE TEAMS THAT COULD WRECKYOUR MARCH MADNESS BRACKET.

OH (BLEEP) AM I WEARING A DRESSTHAT HAS A (BLEEP) ON IT?

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS. POINTS.

NOW IT IS TIME FOR HASHTAG WARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: WE'D LIKE TO WISH ABELATED BIRTHDAY TO NBA

STAR AND FORMER FUNNY OR DIEINTERN, TOTALLY TRUE, BLAKE

GRIFFIN, ONE OF THE FUNNIESTGUYS IN BASKETBALL, AND NOT JUST

BECAUSE HE ONCE ADMITTED TOROLLING STONE THAT HIS FIRST

CONCERT WAS CREED.

"NO ONE TOLD ME 'HEY, BLAKETHIS ISN'T COOL.' SO I WAS ALL

IN ON CREED."

OF COURSE WE HAD TO IMAGINE WHATTHAT WOULD LOOK LIKE.

WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN.

SO IN HONOR OF BLAKE'S DUBIOUSTASTES TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS NBA

BANDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, HAKEEMOLAJUWON DIRECTION.

SACRAMENTO KINGS OF LEON.

THE WU-TANG JAZZ.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO!

SEAN.

>> DURANT, DURANT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> LISA LOBETROTTERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> IF ONLY I HAD MY GLASSESRIGHT NOW.

>> OH, THAT IS GOOD.

>> Chris: POINTS. PAUL.

>> SHAQUILLE O'NEILL YOUNG.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SEAN.

>> GNARLS BARKLEY.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS. TOTALLYWORKS.

PAUL.

>> DIKEMBE MUTOMBONETHUGS-N-HARMONY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SEAN.

>> NBA PEAR JAM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL.

>> MAGIC BRONSON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> HOUSTON LOVE AND ROCKETS.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS. OH I LOVE THAT BAND.

YES, SEAN.

>> SPIN DR. J.

>> Chris: OKAY.

POINTS.

APRIL.

>> RAPTORS AGAINST THE MACHINE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SEAN.

>> KANYE WESTBROOK.

>> Chris: POINTS. PAUL.

>> PHIL JACKSON 5.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS!

BUT NOW IT IS TIME TO PLAY SAINTHASHTAG'S DAY.

SAINT HASHTAG'S DAY.

ALL ACROSS IRELAND AND MANYPARTS OF THIS COUNTRY, ST.

PATRICK'S DAY WAS MARKED BYPARTIES, PARADES AND THE

OCCASIONAL DISPLAY OF WILDLYINAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A A PHOTOFROM A ST. PATRICK'S DAY

FESTIVITY AND FOR 250, YOU HAVETO HASHTAG IT.

FIRST UP, THIS DOUBLE FISTER.

YES, PAUL.

>> ZACH MCFADDEN'S 300: "THIS ISGUINESS!"

>> Chris: YEAH.

POINTS.

>> APRIL.

>> I'M GONNA GO WITH HASHTAGIRISH CROSSFIT.

>> Chris: YEAH, MM-HMM.

>> THAT'S GOOD.>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THIS LASS WITH ANEXPOSED ASS.

>> BEEN THERE.

>> Chris: PAUL.

>> HASHTAG NORMAL TUESDAY INBOSTON.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

SEAN.

>> PEE-LATES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> HASHTAG HOW I MET YOURMOTHER.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, SIGN OF THETIMES.

SIGN OF THE TIMES.

-- THIS MAN IS TAPED TO A STOPSIGN.

>> OH, I'M ENVIOUS.

>> Chris: BUT IT DOES HAVE ABEER RIGHT THERE, SO I GUESS

HE'S OKAY.

SEAN.

>> HASHTAG I WILL BE A BUTTERFLYONE DAY.

ONE DAY. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKINGAT!

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

WHAT ABOUT THIS MICKEY RIGHTTHERE?

APRIL.

>> HASHTAG FURRY WALK OF SHAME.

>> Chris: YEAH.

POINTS.

>> OH, THAT'S GOOD. OH THAT'SGOOD.

>> Chris: FINALLY THESEFIGHTING IRISH, THESE FIGHTING

IRISH.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE WE ARE BEINGRACIALLY SENSITIVE TO YOU.

ARE YOU OKAY?

>> NO.

I AM REALLY PISSED OFF ABOUTTHAT.

>> HASHTAG STOP THE HATE.

IT IS TIME FOR OUR NEXT DAY.

SKA OR IMPROV.

SKA OR IMPROV.

THIS IS GREAT, ONE OF OURFAVORITE NEW SITES IS A TUMBLR

SKA OR IMPROV, WHERE CREATORGREGG GETHARD POSTS GROUP

PICTURES AND YOU HAVE TO DECIDEIF THE GOOFY ASS WHITE PEOPLE

YOU'RE LOOKING AT ARE A SKA BANDOR AN IMPROV TROUPE.

AND HOLY (BLEEP), IT'S REALLYHARD TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE!

SO FOR 250 POINTS, ARE THEFOLLOWING PICS OF A SKA GROUP OR

AN IMPROV TROUPE.

FIRST UP, THIS MIXED-GENDERCREW.

JUST TO BE WARNED, THIS GUY ONTHE LEFT SHIRT SAYS I AM IN A

BAND, SO SKA TRANSPARENCY ORIRONIC IMPROVISER WOULD WEAR?

YOU DECIDE, APRIL.

>> OH MY GOD! THIS IS THESOPHIEST OF CHOICES.

THE BAND T-SHIRT, IT IS LIKE,WHAT? GUYS.

I AM GOING TO SAY IMPROV BECAUSEOF THE DOUBLE THUMBS-UP LADY.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, SEAN.

>> NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, IMPROVBECAUSE THEY ARE PLAYING THE

CLASSIC IMPROV WARM-UP GAME,POLITICALLY CORRECT PICTURE.

>> Chris: OKAY, PAUL.

>> 100 PERCENT MPROV.

BECAUSE THAT GUY ON THE RIGHTWOULD NEVER BE IN A SKA BAND.

>> Chris: WELL, YOU GUYS DON'TKNOW ANYTHING, THIS IS A SKA

BAND!

>> NO!

>> Chris: THIS IS A SKA BANDCALLED MUFF SAID.

WHICH , P.S., WOULD BE THE NAMEOF AN ALL-FEMALE IMPROV GROUP.

BUT ANYWAY.

>> WAIT A SECOND, I AM FEELINGLIKE, I DON'T KNOW, THERE IS

SOME -- LIKE WHY AREN'T WEWATCHING TEN SECONDS OF THEM

DOING IMPROV?

>> Chris: BECAUSE THEY ARE NOTAN IMPROV BAND, THEY ARE A SKA

BAND.

>> OH.

I HOPE THAT SATISFIES YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

>> THESE HAPPY GO LUCKIES, THESEHAPPY GO LUCKIES.

SKA GROUP OR IMPROV BAND? APRIL.

>> OKAY, BLACK DUDES THROWING MEOFF.

I'M GONNA GO SKA BAND.

>> Chris: IS IT BECAUSE HE HAS AWHITE TIP ON HIS SHOULDER?

>> I WILL SAY SKA BAND.

>> Chris: YOU WILL SAY SKABAND?

>> I HOPE NEITHER.

I DON'T KNOW WHO IS WORSE, THEBLACK MAN OR THE WHITE WOMAN

I AM SPEAKING WITH IMPROV ONTHIS ONE.

>> BECAUSE HE IS ROCKINGTHE BASEBALL CAP SIDEWAYS,

I AM GOING TO SAY IMPROV.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWERIS THIS NUT HOUSE, AN IMPROV

TROUPE FROM WILMINGTON, NORTHCAROLINA.

>> YEAH IT IS!

(APPLAUSE)

AS WE GO TO THE NEXT GAME (BLEEP) OF THE IRISH.

(BLEEP) OF THE IRISH.

YEAH, I KNOW. I KNOW. WE'RE VERYMATURE.

IT'S JUST AFTER MIDNIGHT ON ST.PADDY'S DAY, WHICH MEANS

THAT MAJORITY OF YOU AREPROBABLY COVERED IN DRY VOMIT

AND CONTEMPLATING THE HORRIBLETHINGS YOU DID TO THAT MOUNTED

POLICE HORSE.

OF COURSE, BESIDE THE TEXT FROMLAST NIGHT, REGRETTABLE ST.

PADDY'S TEXT LIKE THIS ONE.

I AM SURE I HAVEN'T CRASHED OUTA LEPRECHAUN I AM SO HUNG OVER.

VERY SORRY ABOUT THAT, PAUL.THAT MUST FEEL --

>> YEAH, UH --

THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

>> Chris: SO SINCE IT IS SOVERY LATE IN THE EVENING OF ST.

PATRICK'S DAY AND BECAUSE PAULSCHEER KNOWS HOW TO COMMIT A

BIT, I WANT YOU TO COME UP WITHAS MANY SEXTS FROM A LEPRECHAUN

AS YOU CAN.

IN 60 SECONDS AND BEGIN.

APRIL.

YE UP?

>> Chris: YE UP! POINTS.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> I WANT TO FOLLOW THE RAINBOWRIGHT TO YOUR VAGINA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> I'LL GRANT YOU THREEWISHES.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL MY DICK ANDBALLS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL.

>> EVERY TIME I THINK OF YOU ITOUCH MY MAGIC SKIN FLUTE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SEAN.

>> COME OVER AND LET ME PERFORMCLOVER-LINGUS.

>> Chris: POINTS, SO GOOD.SOGOOD. PAUL.

>> I WANT TO HIDE SOME WHITEGOLD IN YOU TONIGHT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SEAN PATTON.

>> KISS MY DICK, IT IS IRISHTOO.

>> Chris: POINTS.