Leo Allen, Al Jackson, Sheng Wang, Marc Maron

  • Season 3, Ep 3
  • 08/03/2012

Leo Allen tries a "no porn" rule with his new computer, Al Jackson advises parents to use Google when naming their children, and Marc Maron likes to judge.

THE WAY THE WORLD IS NOW,

IT'S MORE AND MOREIMPORTANT THAT

WHEN SOMETHING TRULYHAPPY AND JOYFUL HAPPENS

WE CHERISH A MOMENTLIKE THAT.

LET ME GIVE YOU SUCH AN EXAMPLE.

TOWARDS THE END OF LAST YEAR,

A MAN THREW A HOTDOGAT TIGER WOODS.

(laughter)

LET ME--LET ME REPEATTHAT SENTENCE FOR YOU

'CAUSE I DON'T THINKYOU COULD'VE HEARD IT CORRECTLY.

A MAN THREW A HOTDOG--

AND WHEN DID YOU LOSE

YOUR SENSE OF WONDER,NEW YORK?

WHEN DID YOUR CHILDISH SENSE

THAT TRUE MAGIC WOULD POSSIBLYDESERT YOU

FOR THE FINAL TIME.

TIGER WOODS WAS PUTTING...

AS HE LIKES TO,AND A MAN--

I DON'TKNOW HOW TO SAY THIS,

HE THREW A (bleep)HOTDOG AT HIM.

AND WHEN THIS MAN WAS ASKEDWHY HE DID SUCH A THING,

EVEN THOUGH HE OWEDUS NO EXPLANATION...

(laughter)

HE SAID HE WAS INSPIREDTO DO IT

AFTER WATCHINGTHE MOVIE "DRIVE."

(laughter)

LET ME GIVE YOUHIS EXACT QUOTE,

BECAUSE I DON'T WANTTO GET THIS WRONG.

HE SAID, "AS SOON ASTHE MOVIE ENDED...

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF

I HAVE TO DO SOMETHINGCOURAGEOUS AND EPIC."

(laughter, cheers and applause)

I HAVE TO THROW A HOTDOGAT TIGER WOODS.

ISN'T IT GREAT HOW WE CAN ALLHAVE OUR OWN PERSONAL DEFINITION

OF THE WORD EPIC.

FOR NEIL ARMSTRONG, IT WASWALKING ON ANOTHER PLANET.

FOR ROSA PARKS, IT WAS REFUSINGTO MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE BUS,

AND FOR THAT DUDE,

IT WAS TO SEE THE WORLD'SEX NUMBER ONE GOLFER

AND THROWINGA HOTDOG AT HIM.

WHO'S TO SAY WHICH OF THOSETHREE ACTIONS WAS THE GREATER?

IT'S TOO SOON TO SAY.

HISTORY WILL BE THEIR JUDGE.

THE POINT IS,THE WHOLE LAST YEAR

HAS BEEN DEFINED BY PROTEST.

YOU LOOK AT THE ARAB SPRING,

RIPPING ACROSS THE MIDDLE EASTOVER THE LAST 12 MONTHS.

PEOPLE RIOTING IN THE STREETSBECAUSE THEY HAD HAD ENOUGH.

THEY DIDN'T NEED TO BE RIOTON THAT SCALE IN THIS COUNTRY.

THINGS FUNDAMENTALLYAREN'T THAT BAD,

BUT THAT MAN'S FRUSTRATIONCOMES FROM THE SAME PLACE.

IT COMES FROMREACHING HIS LIMITS,

BEING PUSHED TOO FAR.

IT COMES FROM LOOKINGAT TIGER WOODS,

THINKING ABOUT EVERYTHINGHE NOW REPRESENTS AND GOING,

UGH.

I FEEL BETTER.I HOPE EVERYONE ELSE DOES.

SO I'M PRETTY EXCITED.

I GOT A NEW COMPUTER,

I GOT A NEW COMPUTERAND THAT'S--THAT'S GREAT.

IT HAD BEEN A LONG TIMESINCE I GOT A NEW COMPUTER,

LIKE, A REALLY LONG TIME.

SO IT WAS NICE TO BE ABLETO THROW THOSE PUNCH CARDS AWAY

AND TO HAVETHAT GIANT ROOM FREE AGAIN,

NOT TO HAVE TO WEARTHAT LAB CODE.

IT'S JUST MORE CONVENIENTIN GENERAL.

SO WHEN I GOT THE NEW COMPUTER--

'CAUSE WHEN YOU GETA NEW COMPUTER,

IT'S DAUNTINGBECAUSE IT'S LIKE A NEW BRAIN.

SO, I SAID, "OKAY,THIS IS GONNA BE MY RULE

FOR THE NEW COMPUTER.

NO PORN.

NO PORN.

IT'S A NEW STARTFOR YOU, LEO."

AND THAT LASTED ABOUT 37 HOURS

BECAUSE THE PROBLEM IS SOMETIMESI'M ALONE WITH MY COMPUTER,

AND I THINK IT'S TOO--IT'STOO EASY

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

IT'S TOO EASY TO--NOT TO EXAGGERATE

BUT TO LOSE SEVEN TO TEN HOURSA DAY LOOKING AT PORN.

AT FIRST, YOU DELUDE YOURSELF.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, I'MNOT DOING ANYTHING.

I'M JUST CLOSING THE BLINDS,

AND IT'S NORMAL FOR METO TURN OFF MY CELL PHONE

AND TAKE OUT THE BATTERY,

AND I'LL JUST PUT THIS FLANNELSHIRT OVER THIS CHAIR.

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW--

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW,AS A SIDEBAR.

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOWTHAT YOU SHOULDN'T DO

WHATEVER YOU'REABOUT TO DO.

IF YOU EVER FIND YOURSELFGRABBING YOUR DOG BY THE COLLAR

AND TAKING IT OUT OF THE ROOM.

HOLY (bleep),

DON'T DO WHATEVER ITIS YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO.

IF YOU'RE LIKE,"ALL RIGHT, BUDDY,

THIS WILL MESS UPTHE PET/OWNER RELATIONSHIP.

I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVETHE FACILITY FOR SPEECH,

BUT I CAN'TTAKE THE RISK.

YOU MIGHT PISS OFF A WIZARDONE DAY, I DON'T KNOW."

DON'T DOWHAT YOU'RE NOT TO DO.

IT'S TOO EASY.

IT'S TOO EASY TO LOOKAT PORN NOW

BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET.

LIKE, WHEN I WAS KIDIT'S WAS HUGE ACHIEVEMENT.

LIKE, JUST TO SEEA NAKED LADY WAS HUGE.

LIKE, YOU HAD TO KNOW A GUYWHO HAD AN OLDER BROTHER,

WHO HAD, LIKE,BURIED A "PLAYBOY"

FROM 1968 IN A MILK CAN,IN A FIELD.

YOU HADTO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT,

BUT NOW BECAUSE OF THE INTERNETANYONE WHO'S, LIKE, NINE

HAS SEEN LIKE 80 PEOPLE(bleep) ALL OVER EACH OTHER,

WHICH IS TERRIBLE.

I THINK IT'S TERRIBLE.

I DIDN'T SEE THAT TILLI WAS, LIKE, IN MY '30s.

FIRST, I GOT A CELL PHONE,

THEN I SAW THAT JUSTAS GOD INTENDED IT TO HAPPEN.

IT IS UNBELIEVABLE TO ME

WHEN I THINK ABOUTMY GENERATION,

THE FIRST TIMEWE MASTURBATED,

WE LITERALLY DID NOT KNOWWHAT WE'RE MASTURBATING ABOUT.

ISN'T THAT CRAZY,BUT WE STILL DID IT.

WE WERE MASTURBATINGABOUT AN IDEA.

WE WERE POETS.

(laughter, cheers and applause)

SO IT WAS 6:00IN THE MORNING,

I'M ABOUTTO GET ON JETWAY,

AND I'M DEAD TIRED,

I JUST LIKE KINDA HANDTHE CHICK MY TICKET,

AND I LOOK AT HER NAME TAG,

AND HER NAME WAS ERICA,

WHICH ISN'T A BIG DEAL,BUT SHE SPELLED IT

AND I SWEAR TO GOD,

A-I-R-E-E-K-A.

AIREEKA.

LET THAT (bleep) SOAK IN.

AND I'M LIKE,IF YOU HAVE A KID,

YOU COULD NAME HIMWHATEVER YOU WANT,

BUT CLEARLY,WE CAN'T HANDLE THAT.

SO I GOT AN IDEA.

WHENEVER YOU HAVE A BABY,

RIGHT BEFORE YOUTAKE HIM OUT OF THE HOSPITAL

RIGHT BEFORE YOU WALK OUTTHOSE DOUBLE DOORS,

RIGHT BEFORE YOU DO,

YOU GOT TO PUTYOUR BABY'S NAME INTO GOOGLE,

THAT'S BRILLIANT

BECAUSE IF AIREEKA'SPARENTS WOULD HAVE DONE THAT

GOOGLE WOULD HAVE SHOT BACK,"DID YOU MEAN?"

(laughter)

PLEASE TELL US YOU MEAN--

AND I HAD THIS CRAZY IDEA

BECAUSE I HAVE FOUND THIS RANDOMCAN OF TUNA IN MY BACKPACK.

AND I WAS LIKE,LET'S MAKE THIS A HEARTY MEAL.

I'M GONNA PUT THATINTO MY SALAD, RIGHT?

'CAUSE IT'S PROTEINAND IT'S GONNA FILL ME UP,

BUT IT'S ALSO SMELLYUNORTHODOX BEHAVIOR,

BUT NO ONE DOES THATAND I WAS WORRIED

BECAUSE IF YOU'RE WHITEAND YOU'RE WEIRD,

YOU'RE A WEIRDO,BUT IF YOU'RE ASIAN, DUDE,

AT THE MILWAUKEE AIRPORT,

AND YOU START TOSTEP OUT OF LINE,

THEN YOU JUST CREATED A WHOLEBUNCH OF NEW STEREOTYPES

FOR YOUR PEOPLE.

FOLKS ARE LIKE, "LOOK AT THATGUY, THEY ALL DO THAT."

SO I WAS PARANOID.

I WAS REALLY CONCERNED THATPEOPLE WERE WATCHING ME,

JUDGING ME,THINKING I WAS BEING WEIRD

OR CHEAP OR WHATEVER,

AND THEN I WENT TO THIS WHOLENEW LEVEL OF FEAR.

I GOT WORRIED THAT PEOPLETHOUGHT I WAS EATING CAT FOOD.

FOR NO REASON, I JUST WAS SUREPEOPLE WERE THINKING LIKE,

"HEY...THAT CHINESE DUDEIS PUTTING FRISKIES

IN HIS CAESAR SALAD.

EVERYBODY TAKE A PICTURE,

PUT IT ON THE INTERNETAND TAG ASIA."

ALL RIGHT.

I'M JUDGING YOU.

I LIKE TO JUDGE.I'M A JUDGER.

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY,"HEY DON'T JUDGE,"

BECAUSE I THINK, "(bleep) YOU.DON'T TAKE AWAY MY HOBBIES."

I'M EXHAUSTED.

I'VE BEEN FLYING SO MUCH,AND I USED TO BE OKAY WITH IT,

AND THENSOMETHING WENT WRONG.

I ALMOST DIED ON AN AIRPLANE.WAIT, LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

IN MY MIND...

(laughter)

I ALMOST DIED ON AN AIRPLANE.

I USED TO BE--LIKE,WHEN I WAS YOUNGER

I WAS TERRIFIED OF FLYING,ALL RIGHT.

I WAS THE KIND OF PERSONI HAD TO GET DRUNK.

I HAD TO TAKE DRUGS.

I HAD TO STAY UP ALL NIGHTJUST TO GET ON A PLANE

AND SURVIVE THE FLIGHTWITHOUT FREAKING OUT.

I WAS THE TYPE OFFRIGHTENED FLYER THAT, YOU KNOW,

ONCE THE PLANE GOT UP,

I WOULD RING THE FLIGHTATTENDANT BUTTON,

AND SHE WOULD COME OVERAND I'D WHISPER TO HER,

"THE NOISE CHANGED.

CAN YOU HEAR?LIKE, IT WAS LIKE (drones).

AND NOW IT'S LIKE(high-pitch drone)

I JUST WANTED TO TELL SOMEBODY.I THOUGHT SOMEONE SHOULD KNOW.

LIKE, I WAS THE GUYTHAT THEN THEY'D GO

HAVE LIKE A FLIGHT ATTENDANTHUDDLE,

AND THEY'D ALL LOOK OVERAT ME LIKE...

AND I'D BE LIKE...

THE ENERGY TAKEN FROM MEFROM BEING AFRAID.

I COULD NO LONGER FLY THE PLANEIN COACH IN MY MIND.

I COULD NOT DO IT.IT WAS DRAINING.

SO I STUFFED THAT FEARAND THAT'S A SPIRITUAL DECISION.

I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS.

THE GUY WHO'S FLYINGSHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY THIS

WITHOUT MY HELP.

ALL RIGHT.

THEN CLEVELAND HAPPENED.

NOW THIS--THIS ISA SERIOUS STORY, ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS A RECENT STORY,

AND I'M STILL GRAPPLINGWITH THIS.

I FLY A LOT, ALL RIGHT,

AND I WAS TAKINGA AFTERNOON FLIGHT

OUT OF LAX TO CLEVELAND,4:00 FLIGHT.

I'M A PROFESSIONAL FLYER.I KNOW THAT.

I SHOULD CHECK THE WEATHERWHERE I'M GOING

BECAUSE IF THERE'SA STORM IN DENMARK,

I'M GONNA BE SCREWED AT LAX.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

IF THERE'S WEATHER ANYWHEREON THE PLANET,

WE'RE ALL GOING TO PAYFOR IT IN THE AIR.

SO THERE'S GONNA BE A STORMOUTSIDE OF CLEVELAND.

I SEE THATON THE WEATHER THING.

SO I'M DRIVING IN THE AIRPORTTHINKING WE'RE GONNA BE DELAYED.

I'M SCREWED.THE DAY IS SCREWED.

IT'S OVER.I GET TO THE AIRPORT.

I GET TO THE GATE.4:00 WE'RE ON THE PLANE.

4:10 WE'RE UP IN THE AIR,I'M LIKE, "GREAT, WE GOT OUT."

4:20 THE PILOT GETSON THE INTERCOM AND HE SAYS,

"HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?UH...

I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT

WE MIGHT HIT SOME WEATHEROUTSIDE OF CLEVELAND,

BUT I THINK I'M GONNA MISS IT."

WHY IS HE TALKING LIKE THAT?WHAT'S WITH THE ATTITUDE?

I'M LIKE, "WHO IS THIS GUY?"

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSEDTO SIT HERE AND GO,

"I WONDER WHENIT'S GONNA HAPPEN?

WHY IS HE TELLING US THAT?AND WHAT'S WITH HIS ATTITUDE?

WHY IS HE SO COCKY?IS HE A HOTDOGER?

IS HE GAMBLING WITH US?YOU KNOW...

THAT'S WHAT'S GOINGTHROUGH MY MIND,

BUT I DON'T MAKE A BIGDEAL OUT OF IT.

I'M A PROFESSIONAL FLYER.I'M COOL.

I'M WATCHING VH1 ON DIRECTTV.

THE WOODSTOCK MOVIE IS ON.

WE'RE AN HOUR AND A HALFOUTSIDE OF CLEVELAND,

AN HOUR AND A HALF,AND THIS GUYS GETS ON AND SAYS,

" YEAH, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GONNAHIT THAT WEATHER

AND I THINK THAT (bleep)WE WERE GONNA MISS,

AND HE SAYS,"COULD THE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS

PLEASE TAKE THEIR SEATSAND PREPARE THE CABIN

FOR LANDING,AND PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS."

SO I'M THINKING LIKE,WELL, IT'S GONNA BE BAD.

WE'RE GONNA HIT THE WEATHER,BUT I'M COOL.

I'M NOT GONNA FREAK OUT,BUT THEY'RE GONNA SIT DOWN,

SO THAT'S, YOU KNOW,IT'S GONNA BE BAD.

SO I'M WATCHINGTHE WOODSTOCK MOVIE.

JOE COCKER IS SINGING,

"WITH A LITTLE HELPFROM MY FRIENDS."

RIGHT AT THE HIGH NOTE,WHERE HE'S LIKE,

♪ I GET HIGH

I SEE LIGHTNING ONBOTH SIDES OF THE PLANE,

(laughter)

AND THE AIRCRAFT FALLS OUTOF THE SKY, FALLS,

JUST A FREE FALL.

I DON'T FREAK OUT,BUT THE GUY BEHIND ME,

I'M NOW HEARING INMY HEADPHONES JOE COCKER,

AND THE GUYIN THE SIT BEHIND ME GOING

"OH, GOD, OH, GOD."

OH, GOD, NO, NO!"

HE'S FREAKING OUT.

I DON'T FREAK OUT.I HAVE SOME WEIRD THOUGHTS.

MY FIRST THOUGHT IS,"DO I WANNA DIE TO THIS SONG?"

(applause)

THIS IS A GOOD SONG,BUT DO I WANNA DIE TO IT?

AND THEN MY NEXT THOUGHT IS,"I SHOULD MAKE A DEATH PLAYLIST

FROM MY iPOD."

YOU KNOW, FOR WHENI HAVE TIME TO DECIDE.

I'M GETTING OLDER.I COULD BE ON A TREADMILL.

WHAT'S THAT PAIN SHOOTING DOWNMY ARM, "UH-OH, PICK A TUNE."

SHOULD OF MADE A PLAYLIST.

THEN MY THIRD THOUGHT WAS,WHICH I THOUGHT WAS ODD,

"I WISH MY GIRLFRIENDWERE HERE...

TO DIE WITH ME."

THAT'S SAD.

LIKE, I WANT HER TO BE HEREWHEN WE PLUMMET TO OUR DEATH

IN THIS HORRIBLE CRASHTOGETHER.

BUT THAT'S ACTUALLYA FUNCTIONAL METAPHOR

FOR ALL OF MY ADULTRELATIONSHIPS, YOU KNOW.

PLANE'S CRASHING,GET ON BOARD.

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