Wednesday, November 19, 2014

  • 11/19/2014

Pete Holmes, Ron Funches and Steve Rannazzisi list #BadMissedConnections, translate drunken Vines and write suggestive dialogue for a racy Paddington Bear movie.

RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

WELL, DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON ISBACK IN THE DWAYNE THE NEWS

JOHNSON.

IT SEEMS THAT DWAYNE THE CHRISROCK JOHNSON MOUNTED THE WORLD-

FAMOUS IMPROV STAGE LIKE A WILDSTALLION AND ROAD THE BUCKING

BRONCO ALL THE WAY TOLAUGHTOWN.

LAUGHTOWN BEING BEVERLYHILLS-ADJACENT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUHAVE SEEN HIM IN THE TOOTH

FAIREY, YOU'VE SEEN HIM IN RACETO WITCH MOUNTAIN, PLEASE

WELCOME DWAYNE THE OPEN MIC-ERJOHNSON.

AS YOU CAN SEE, HE'S DOINGSTAND UP COMEDY, AND AFTER HIS

SET, DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON, ORDTRJ, WAS UNDERSTANDABLY

JACKED UP FROM THE ADRENALINE OFDOING STAND-UP COMEDY FOR

THE FIRST TIME AND TOOK TOINSTAGRAM FOR A VICOTRY LAP.

THERE WE GO.

I HAD THE CROWD AT HOBBITPORN.

COMEDIANS WHAT ARE SOME OFTHE JOKES THAT THE ROCK IS

COOKING.

PETE HOLMES.

>> DO YOU EVER GET HOME FRAYWEEKEND AT RICHARD BRANSON'S

SECRET SEX ISLAND AND LOOKIN THE MIRROR AND REALIZE

YOU HAD SPINACH IN YOURTEETH THE ENTIRE ORGY?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> POINTS POINTS POINTS. POINTSPOINTS POINTS POINTS.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT.>> POINTS POINTS POINTS.

>> CHRIS: RON FUNCHES.

>> YOU EVER NOTICE HOW WHITEPEOPLE BE SMELLING WHAT THE

ROCK IS COOKING LIKE THIS?

BUT BROTHERS! BROTHERS BESMELLIN' HOW THE ROCK BE COOKIN,

YOU KNOW.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

BUT THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FORREALS.

THE ROCK, YOU ARE INVITED TOCOME ON @MIDNIGHT ANY TIME YOU

WANT.

COME ON.

WE'RE FRIENDLY.

WILL YOU ACCEPT, ROCK?

OR ARE YOU A COMEDY PUSSY?

WHAT?

OH-- [BLEEP]! THAT'S HOW YOU GETHIM.

YEAH, ROCK, I'M SICK ANDTIRED OF YOU TELLING YOUR

GODDAMN JOKES AT THE IMPROV.

WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE,ROCK, SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT,

ROCK.

TAKE YOUR DICK OUT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

RIGHT HERE! WAINTING FOR YOU!

>> WOW.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

LIVE WEEK DOT COM TURNED US ONTO THIS VERY DISTURBING SOUNDING

AUDIO CLIP TODAY.

HERE IT IS.

(LAUGHTER)

COMEDIANS WHAT IS THAT AUDIOFROM?

A, A DEER STUCK IN A JUNGLE GYM.

B, A VERY INTENSE SPORTS FAN.

C, A HOME BIRTH.

RON?

>> OH, I WANT IT TO BE ANINTENSE SPORTS FAN WATCHING

A HOME BIRTH BUT --

>> CHRIS: BUT IF YOU HAD TO PICKJUST ONE --

>> I WILL GO WITH B.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, LET'S FIND OUTTOGETHER.

>> WHY IS NO ONE AROUND HERFREAKING OUT?

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, SOCOMEDIANS WHAT IS THIS POSSESSED

FAN CHEERING FOR?

OBVIOUSLY AT A SPORTING EVENT.

WHAT IS IT? PETE.

>> I DON'T THINK SHE'SCHEERING.

I THINK SHE'S IN PAINBECAUSE SHE FOUND OUT THAT

SELFIE GOT CANCELLED.

(SCREAMING)

>> CHRIS: I WILL GIVE YOUPOINTS.

RON.

>> SHE'S WATCHING HER FAVORITETEAM, THE NEW JERSEY NIGHT

TERRORS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BUT I FEEL LIKE STEVEDISAGREES WHAT IS IT

ACTUALLY.

>> YOU CAN'T BLAME ANN COULTER,YOU CAN'T CONTAIN HER AT A

GORDON LIGHTFOOT CONCERT.

SHE IS GETS TOO EXCITED.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.POINTS.

>> WE ACTUALLY HAVE FOOTAGEOF WHAT SHE WAS CHEERING

FOR.

THIS IS WHAT IT WAS.

VERY EXCITED.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS

OH, MAN -- DUDES.

DUDES, THERE IS NOTHING LIKEWITNESSING THE BIRTH OF YOUR

CHILD T GETS YOU ALL HORNED UP.

JUST TAKE IT FROM THIS CRISLIST MISCONNECT FOR MAN

SEEKING LABOR DELIVERYNURSE.

LABOR DELIVERY NURSE, M4W. YOU WERE NURSE TAKING CARE OF MY

WIFE WHILE SHE WAS HAVINGOUR BABY. I ENJOYED OUR EYE

CONTACT AND WOULD REALLYLIKE TO TALK TO YOU MORE.

>> WHAT?>> CHRIS: VERY CLASSY.

YOU WERE THE HOT NURSECLEARING MY BABY'S AIRWAY.

I WAS THE GUY GETTING ROCKHARD CUTTIN' THAT CORD.

>> YOU KNOW MY DICK WORKS.

>> CHRIS: SO IN HONOR OF THATAWFULNESS TODAY'S HASHTAG IS

BAD MISCONNECTIONS

EXAMPLES:

YOU WERE A GIANT PLATE OFSHRIMP, I WAS THE GOVERNOR

OF NEW JERSEY, OR YOU WEREPLAYING WITH FIREWORKS AT

THE GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS,I'M THE PARAMEDICS WHO

SEWED YOUR HANDS BACK ON.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

RON.

>> YOU WERE A BAR AND GRILL.

I WAS TOBEY KEITH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PETE.

>> YOU WERE THE FEMALE STAR OFTRANSFORMERS.

I WAS THE VISIONARY DIRECTORTHAT PUT THAT CAMERA IN YOUR

TOILET.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

COULD BE ANYBODY. RON?

>> YOU WERE A WATERMELON I CUT AHOLE INTO.

I WAS LONELY GALLAGHER.

>> LONELY GALLAGHER?>> CHRIS: SO SPECIFIC.

>> I'M GOING TO CRUSH YOU IN ADIFFERENT WAY.

>> CHRIS: I HAVE NEVER BROKENONE FROM THE INSIDE.

POINTS TO RON FUNCHES.

PETE.

>> YOU WERE THE COP TASERINGME. I WAS THE GUY WHO CAN'T GET

HARD UNLESS SOMEONE TAZES ME.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. YEAH.

STEVE.

>> YOU WERE THE ONE WITH THESAD EYES.

I WAS THE ONE WHO COULD SEEYOUR TRUE COLORS.

>> CHRIS: YEAH -- AWWW.

OH, THE CROWD, NOT BEHIND YOU,STEVE, NO POINTS.

I'M SORRY.

STEVE AGAIN, THOUGH.

>> YOU WERE THE MASSEUSEWITHOUT WOULDN'T GIVE THE

HAND JOB, AND I WAS THE GUYSCREAMING BUT I'M JOHN

TRAVOLTA.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

>> GOT IT BACK!

>> CHRIS: AGAIN, COULD HAVE BEENANYBODY.

COULD HAVE BEEN ANYBODY.

PETE.

>> YOU WERE THE ADORABLEBLACK COMEDIAN ON @MIDNIGHT.

I'M STANDING RIGHT NEXT TOYOU, RON.

>> CHRIS: AWW.

A MISSED CONNECTION IS NO LONGERMISSED.

>> CHRIS: RON FUNCHES.

>> YOU WERE GREAT TELEVISIONRATINGS.

I WAS THE PETE HOME SHOW.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY VINE-OS.

VINE--OS.

WHEN ARE YOU IN A TOTALBLACKOUT THE ONLY THING

BETTER THAN PIZZA IS PUBLISHINGSHORT VIDEOS OF YOURSELF ON

VINE.

WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU A VINE OFAN ALLEGEDLY DRUNK PERSON

STRUGGLING TO COMMUNICATE, ANDFOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TO

TRANSLATE THEIR BABBLE INTOSOMETHING A SOBER PERSON WOULD

UNDERSTAND. ALL RIGHT.

FIRST ONE, THESE THOUGHTPROVOKER.

>> -- BE [BLEEP] WITH KEA,LITTLE [BLEEP]IN ASS [BLEEP].

>> CHRIS: RON?

>> WHAT THEY TRYING TO SAYIS, HEY, RON FUNCHES, WE'RE ON

OUR WAY OVER, KEEP THAT DICKHARD.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE.

WHAT ABOUT THESE LOQUACIOUSLADIES.

>> -- HE'S A REAL HIP-HOP MVP.>> WHERE IS DENMARK AT?

>> CHRIS: PETE.

>> THIS IS OUR FIRST TIMEOUT OF TAMPA.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, THISPONTIFICATING POET.

>> -- DAWG, GET OFF MY DICK.JUST SUCK AND RUN.

>> CHRIS: PETE HOLMES.

>> IN 20 MINUTES, I'M GONNA[BLEEP] TUBA.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE.

THIS BEER BUD.

>> VINE. VINE! [BLEEP] VINE.

>> CHRIS: YES, RON.

>> DON'T BE RACIST, PRB ISN'TJUST FOR WHITE PEOPLE ANYMORE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> HEY, MY BROTHER'S THE@MIDNIGHT CHAMPION RON FUNCHES,

I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

PETE.

>> PABST IS THE ONLY BLUERIBBON I'LL EVER WIN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS AGAIN TO PETE.

LAST ONE.

THESE TWO.

>> YOUR MOM-- YOUR MAMA IS--

>> CHRIS: PETE HOLMES.

>> WE JUST FOUND OUT WE'RERELATED BUT IT ONLY MADE THE

SEX HOTTER.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK I TOLD YOUABOUT THE EDGIE SEXUAL

ENVELOPE-PUSHING THRILLER,THE NEW PADDINGTON BEAR

MOVIE.

I ASKED YOU TO GIVE ME ONEOF THE INAPPROPRIATE LINES HE

SAID TO EARN A PARENTAL WARNING.

LET'S SEE HOW YOU DID.

STEVE RANNAZZISI, LET'S STARTWITH YOU.

>> I CAME TO LONDON TO DOTWO THINGS, EAT MARMALADE

AND [BLEEP] BITCEHS, AND I AMFRESH OUT OF MARMALADE.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: POOR PADDINGTON.

I MEAN PADDINGTON DIRECTEDBY GUY RITCHIE.

PETE HOLMES.

>> HI. I'M PADDINGTON BEAR.

LET'S SEE TOMORROW ASS-TO-ASS.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

RON FUNCHES.

>> OH THIS BEAR DON'T CARE. ASLONG AS THERE IS HAIR DOWN

THERE, IT'S ALL FAIR.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

POINTS.

I THINK I HAVE TO GO ATHOUSAND POINTS FOR STEVE

RANAZZISI ON THAT ONE.

500 TO RON, 250 TO PETE.

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME,SPEED UNDATING.

SPEED UNDATING.

BEFORE TEXTING, PEOPLE HAVE TOBREAK UP TO EACH OTHER

FACE-TO-FACE LIKE HUMAN BEINGS.

THEY HAD TO SAY THAT THEYJUST DIDN'T WANT YOUR

COMPANY ANYMORE AND THENYOU AWKWARDLY HAD TO STARE

AT EACH OTHER AND GUESSWHICH PERSON WAS GOING TO

WALK AWAY FIRST.

BUT NOT THIS GUY.

BOBO BROKE UP WITH HISGIRLFRIEND IN A NUMERICAL LIST

THAT SHE SCREEN GRABBED FOR AFRIEND TO POST ON HER TWITTER

ACCOUNT.

REASONS INCLUDED, NUMBER THREE,YOU WERE RUDE TO MY CAT.

NUMBER FIVE, YOUR SWEARINGIS VERY UNLADDY LIKE.

NUMBER SIX, YOU WON'TDISCLOSE HOW MANY SEXUAL

PARTNERS YOU HAVE HAD WHICHMAKES ME THINK IT'S UPWARDS

OF THREE AND ANYTHING MORETHAN THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.

DOES THIS PERSON DATE THE CHURNLADY?

THE SCREEN GRAB STOPS AT SIXBUT IT SEEMS LIKE THE TYPE

OF GUY WHO HAD MORE TO SAY.

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME ASMANY OF BOBO'S OTHER REASONS FOR

BREAKING UP WITH THIS GIRLTO DELIGHT OUR SENSES.

LET'S BEGIN, 60 SECONDS GO.

YES, RON.

>> NUMBER SEVEN, YOUR PE NISIS BIGGER THAN MINE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. STEVE.

>> NUMBER 48, YOU LIKE THEPETE HOME SHOW.

>> CHRIS: POINTS --

I CAN'T GIVE POINTS FOR THAT ONBEHALF OF PETE'S SWEET FACE.

STEVE.

>> I SAW YOU ON CAKE FARTS DOTCOM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

RON.

>> YOU'RE PREGNANT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PETE.

>> YOU LIED ABOUT BEINGPROFICIENT AT MICROSOFT

OFFICE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

RON.

>> YOU WATCH THE LEAGUEAFTER THE SECOND SEASON.

>> CHRIS: OH, [BLEEP].

POINTS.

YEAH.

STEVE.

>> YOU REFUSE TO TAKE YOURRINGS OFF DURING HAND JOBS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PETE.

>> YOU ARE REPULSED BY MYORGASM FARTS.

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> YOU HAVE A BIT OF ANADAMS APPLE BUT I DON'T MIND

IT.

>>CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.