Jesse Joyce, Al Jackson, Tom Rhodes

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 06/01/2014

Dave Attell welcomes special guest Ron Jeremy along with comedians Jesse Joyce, Al Jackson and Tom Rhodes.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

This is sweet.

Fuck! This is good.

Holy shit.

I can't believe this.

This is fucking great.

Hi, I'm Dave Attell.

Welcome to The Underground.

Give yourselves a hand.

Come on now.

Wow, this isperfect, man.

Here we are in thebasement, right?

This is great.

No one can hearyou laugh or scream.

This is perfect!

Let me check outthis crowd.

Let's see what we got.

And look what wegot over here.

Oh, what a rarity, man.

Neil Diamond meeting theJames Franco character

from Spring Breakers.

Oh!

Neil Diamond, would youmind being the camera man

for the show?Will you do it?

Yeah, sure.(Dave)What's your name?

Bob.(Dave)There you go.

How about a handfor Bob, everyone?

Nice.

Take a look around.

Get used to the camerawork.

Perfect, okay.

Back this way, dude.

Sweet.

Side burnsare cool, dude.

Get a shot of yourown sideburns, do it.

Selfie, nice.

Sideburns arethe balls of the face.

I like that.

And calves are thetits of the legs.

That's all I know.

I was homeschooled.

All right.

We need a guy to throwout the first filthy,

dirty joke and I knowwho we should get.

Ron Jeremy!Here he is.

The hedgehog,the legend, the icon.

Ron Jeremy.

Sweet.

Ron, thanks for coming threefeet away to be on this show.

I appreciate it.

Wait, I gotta makethe mic Jewish.

Wow! Raw dog.

Hey, Ron, do you haveany more jokes for us?

'Cause that waspretty cool.

Well, dick stuff,I guess.You got anotherdick joke?

You guys wanna hear anotherdick joke from Ron?

Yeah, let's do it.

Kick it off, Ron!Let's do it.

Bring it.This farmer'sfucking a donkey.

(Dave)Oh!

Now, I'm on the farm, watchingthe farmer fuck a donkey.

And, I go to hisson and say, kid,

your dad is fuckinga donkey.

Kid goes, hee-hawlways does that!

Oh!

What are youguys? Vegans?

That's a great donkeyfucking bit.

Keep it going forRon Jeremy, everyone.

God bless you.

You are a nationaltreasure.

So, listen, I needa cigarette.

That's what it is.

I-- it's a disaster.

I gotta quit smoking.

I like-- I wanna quitsmoking so badly.

And I've failedso many times.

And like, I-- I feel likethe only hope that I have,

personally, to quit smoking, isif we do what they do in foreign

countries with the scarypictures on the pa--

Have you everseen those?

Like, specifically,Canadian cigarettes.

I don't know if you guys haveever seen a Canadian pack

of cigarettes.

They're way over the top,they're fucking crazy.

It's like a brown lung or a guywith half a face and no teeth.

You're just like, what?

What did thisto his face?

Did he smokea hand grenade?

What could'vedone this?

I'm not exaggeratingthis for comedy.

This is literally a packof cigarettes that they

are selling right now.

I swear to God, the wholebox is a giant picture

of a dead little baby.

And, then under it, it says,cigarettes kill babies!

It's like, Jesus, take itdown a notch, Canada!

This is like, look, seriously,like if you're gonna be that

aggressive-- Like, if you'regonna insist on using that as

your argument, then you haveto look into all the facts

in the argument.

And, I'll tell you what, Canada,the rest of the facts are a lot

of other shitkills babies also.

And, that is because babiesare super easy to kill!

They are, right?

Come on, sleeping on theirtummies kills babies.

You sleep on your tummy,you're fine, right?

I-- I feel likeI have to make it clear.

I'm not advocating the killingof babies in any way.

I'm not sayingthat's okay.

I'm simply saying, it'sa bullshit argument.

You can't say cigarettes killbabies without listing other

things that killbabies, right?

'Cause they're veryeasy to kill, right?

Like, potato chipscould kill babies, you know?

Like, you could kill a ton ofbabies at once, right, pal?

Just throw them ina pillowcase and smack it.

That's all you'dhave to do.

But, but, I don'twant that to happen.

You seem horrified.

I'm not saying that's okay, butI feel like some of you are not

coming with me onthis comedy journey, and...

have to activelykill a baby.

You can just leave it,it'll die all on its own.

That's how easy it is.

I'm just sayingit's easy.

I'm not sayingit's right, but...

It's like, it's like theopposite of a Chia pet

in some crazy way, right?

'Cause you can'tkill a Chia pet.

It's fucking impossible.

You can leave one in a roomfor a decade, lock the door,

come back ten years later.

You're like, shit,that's enormous.

I didn't feedthat one time.

How did that happen?

If you left a baby in a carfor like eight minutes

on kind of a hot day.

Come back, it'llbe a dusty raisin.

They're just supereasy to kill babies.

And that's not acceptable.

That is not right.

Don't do that.

But, some of you are justbucking me on this fucking joke.

What is the problem?

Are you guys afraid this willget back to babies or something?

Is that upsettingto you?

'Cause I promise,I can assure you.

There's no babies here.

We can say anything we wantabout babies, yeah.

We're baby-freeright now.

Come on, guys,get onboard.

Fuck babies! Really.

Fuck 'em, what are they gonnado? Yeah, absolutely.

Right? Fuck babies.

What's gonna happen?

What, are they gonnacome after us?

Right, they can't evenmake tiny fists properly.

They come up to my knee.

If they charge, I cantake 100 at once.

Just (imitates machine gun).

It'd be that easy.

Listen, guys.

The point I'm tryingto make... the point is,

that I have toquit smoking.

That's it for me,my name's Jesse.

You guys have been fun,thanks so much for having me.

Thanks a lot,appreciate it.

Jesse Joyce.

That was great.

We'll be right back.

That's why I respectold people that are in love

that have beentogether forever.

And I feel like weall do this.

Like, we all seelike an old couple.

Like, we all guilty of it.

Like, we go to likea company picnic.

You see like an old couple ona blanket like 30 feet away and

you know it's your partner,'cause we project.

We want that to be us.

You're like, look, girl,that's gonna be us.

I bet you he's stillprofessing his love

like he did in 1915or some shit.

But, you don't know ifit's been a good 35 years!

I guarantee if you could be afly on a bottle of wine on that

blanket out there, it would justbe this dude's wife yelling at

him like, don't eat the eggsalad, you're gonna shit your

pants!

I'm not gonna shit my--

You shit your pantsFourth of July.

Those were deviled eggs.

It has the word egg in it,doesn't it, fuck face?

That's what lovesounds like.

But it's hard to putthat in an R&B song.

So, you don't hearit like that.

The only problem I foundwith being in like a loving,

long-term relationship, andanybody who's in a relationship

feels this, you can have greatsex throughout the duration

of your relationship.

But, it's damn near impossibleto have the best, like singular,

individual sexualexperience of your life

with yourlongterm partner.

I'm gonna tell you why.

Think about the best sex you'veever had in your life.

Think about thatshit right now.

I'm cool with some dead air,think about that shit.

Think about whatthey did to you.

Think about how they probablymade you feel like the little

bitch you wanted 'em to.

Think about whatthey did.

It was hot.

It was outside, it was onthe back of a cop car,

something dangerous!

That's what you need!You need that danger!

And that's what goes awaywhen y'all are in love.

Man, your girl lovesyou, but she knows you.

She knows yourweaknesses.

The woman you drovehere with tonight,

she knowsyour allergies.

And you can't dominate nobodysexually once they know your

allergies! You knowwhat I'm saying?

'Cause this is the late show, Iwant you all to get extra drunk,

I want you to go home, fellasfor me, wherever you guys

normally fuck,don't do that shit.

If you do it in the bedroom,take your girl right in the

fucking kitchentonight!

I want you to take herhead, put it in the sink.

Grab that ponytail,pull that shit back.

You like, we doing thisstanding up tonight.

We taking itold school.

You readyfor this shit?

This shit's forever,you ready for this?

And, all your girl's gonna bethinking in her head is,

whatever,Mr. Allergic To Cilantro.

Pussy.

Crying through Eat,Pray, Love like a bitch.

Hurry up, I gottago to Curves.

Guys, I've beenAl Jackson.

I dated thisgirl years ago.

She was nasty.

We'd be having sex and she'dbe like, "talk dirty to me,

talk dirty to me."

And that's not mystyle, you know?

The only way I know how to talkdirty to a girl is from the

porno movies I've seen.

So, I be like, you love thatbig black dick, don't you?

You love that bigblack dick, don't you?

I think it says a lot about ourcountry and how far we've come

as a people in that now, it'sno big deal that at one time,

our presidentsmoked marijuana.

Remember, ten/twentyyears ago,

that was a big issuein this country.

But, we grew.

We evolved.

Now, it's no big deal.

Imagine how much furtherwe're gonna grow as a people.

Imagine ten, 20 years from now,maybe it'd be no big deal that

at one time our president tooka picture of his dick

and texted itto a girl.

And, we will have allseen it and discussed it.

He was young whenhe did that.

But, what a beautifuldick he had!

How could he resist?

And, then we'll be like, well,why doesn't the other candidate

release picturesof his dick?

I'm not gonna vote forsomebody I don't know

what his harddick looks like.

He gonna run my country,I wanna know what his hard dick

looks like.

Men with penisproblems start wars.

I want my leader to havea hard dick on him, baby.