Kumail Nanjiani & David Koechner

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 07/16/2013

Anthony performs stand-up for Satanists and looks into the cronut craze; Kumail Nanjiani and David Koechner defend their tweets.

LAST TWO HOURS OF YOUR LIFE

PLAYING WITH A GUN YOU KNOW.

>> Jeselnik: LET'S MOVE ON TO

NOT BUYING IT.

WE MAKE FUN OF A PRODUCT NEW AND

UNFAMILIAR TO US.

D'OH.

A THE PASTRY HAS PEOPLE GOING

CRAZY.

FOR MONTHS NEW YORKERS HAVE BEEN

LINING UP AROUND THE BLOCK TO

GET THEM AND ONE GUY IS SELLING

THEM FOR ORAL SEX ON CRAIGSLIST

AND I HEAR IT'S SWEEPING THE

COUNTRY.

SOME WILL DO ALMOST ANYTHING FOR

A [BLEEP] JOB.

>> SEEMS LIKE A FAIR TRADE.

ONE GUY GETS A TASTY

CREAM-FILLED TREAT AND THE OTHER

GETS A CROW-NUT.

>> IS IT POSSIBLE FOR PEOPLE TO

HAVE A SWEET TOOTH AND A SALTY

TOOTH?

>> Jeselnik: I'M JUST HAPPY

BECAUSE I THINK IT MIGHT FINALLY

GET AMERICANS EXCITED ABOUT

DESSERT.

>> I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT A

[BLEEP] JOB WAS.

>> Jeselnik: DESSERT?

IS THAT WHY YOU'RE ALWAYS

BLOWING WAITERS?

>> HERE'S YOUR TIP.

>> Jeselnik: I CAN'T BELIEVE A

GUY WAS SELLING THESE ON

CRAIGSLIST FOR SEX AND THEY'RE

CREEPS.

HERE'S STUFF OFFERED UP ON

CRAIGSLIST.

THESE ARE REAL ADS.

DAVID, THIS GUY IS OFFERING UP

FREE GASOLINE BUT WHAT DID HE

WANT?

>> I DON'T PERUSE CRAIGSLIST.

>> Jeselnik: HE WAS ASKING FOR

SEX WHICH IS A GREAT DEAL WHEN

YOU THINK ABOUT THE PRICE OF A

GALLON OF SEX.

THIS GUY WILL COME HOME AFTER

HIS WIFE IS GONE AND EAT THE

PASTA.

HOW MUCH IS HE OFFERING?

>> $3,000 BUT THAT WOULD BE A

STEAL.

>> Jeselnik: $3,000?

HE WAS OFFERING ONE.

ONE DOLLAR.

>> THE WHOLE ANT FARM.

>> Jeselnik: NOW IT'S TIME FOR

DATING BLOOPERS.

WE LOOK AT THE LIGHTER SIDE OF

DATING SHENANIGANS.

HE'S BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN.

A MAN IN HOUSTON HAS BEEN CAUGHT

HAVING SEX WITH HIS HORSE TWICE

IN THREE MONTHS AND ARRESTED FOR

HAVING SEX WITH A FORCE AND

THEFT AND THE JESELNIK OFFENSIVE

TRIPLE CROWN.

>> THEY CAUGHT IT ON

SURVEILLANCE TAPE AS A PHOTO

FINISH.

>> THIS GUY NEEDS TO LEARN THAT

NEIGH MEANS NEIGH.

>> TO CHARGE HIM WITH ANIMAL

CRUELTY HE HAD TO PROVE HE HURT

THE HORSE WHILE HE DID NEVER

CALLING.

LET'S DO ROLE-PLAY.

OBVIOUSLY THESE TWO LOVE EACH

OTHER VERY MUCH.

IT'S TIME TO TAKE THINGS TO THE

NEXT LEVEL.

KUMAIL, YOU'RE THE SUITOR.

ASKED FOR HIM FOR HIS HORSE'S

HOOF IN MARRIAGE.

>> YOU KNOW THE HORSE YOU HAVE?

>> THE MARE?

>> YES.

I'M GOING TO PUT HER IN A STABLE

RELATIONSHIP, SHE WON'T HAVE TO

SADDLE FOR LESS, ONCE SHE'S WITH

ME.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT WEDDING COSTS,

I'LL PONY UP THE DOUGH.

HIM.

>> Jeselnik: AND NOW IT'S TIME

TO WRAP YOUR BABY IN A BLANKET

AND GIVE IT TO THE WHITE

WALKERS.

IT'S DEFENDING YOUR TWEET.

YOU TWEETED IT AND NOW I'M GOING

TO READ IT AND ASK YOU YOU TO

DEFEND IT IN FRONT OF ALL THESE

PEOPLE.

DAVID, JANUARY 24 YOU

TWEETED, "I HAVE LIPSYNCED EVERY

CONVERSATION I HAVE HAD AND

SORRY TO THOSE WHO WILL NEVER

KNOW MY REAL VOICE.

IT'S JUST, I'M NERVOUS.

DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

>> ANT-NY, YOU STILL HAVE NOT

HEARD MY REAL VOICE.

>> Jeselnik: WHAT'S IT SOUND

LIKE?

>> IT'S SO AWFUL.

I'M TOO EMBARRASSED.

THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.

[ SCREECHING ]

>> Jeselnik: KUMAIL, ON JULY 5

YOU TWEETED "THE ONLY TIME I

HAVE A CAVITY IN MY MOUTH IS

WHEN I'M TOSSING SALAD."

#COMBODENTALANDSEXBRAG.

KUMAIL, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

>> AS SOON AS I TWEETED IT I

FLASH FORWARD TO ME HAVING TO

DEFEND IT.

OKAY, SO I WAS WITH MY WIFE --

OKAY.

NOT LIKE THAT.

>> Jeselnik: TAKE YOUR TIME.

WHATEVER YOU NEED.

>> I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE

SHOCKING TO SEE IF I CAN GET MY

OWN COMEDY CENTRAL SHOW.

>> Jeselnik: DID IT WORK?

DO YOU HAVE TO SHARE IT WITH

JONA RAGS?

>> COMING IN JANUARY.

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